Please help me.

[friscodj]

Thank you.

We were together for 20 months.

 

Guys, thanks alot. I cryed all last night until I had no breath left, even after reading these advices... but I'll try to love ME from now... at least I'll try to. I have no friends but hopefully will find some.

 

20 months is a long time. Realize you will definitely cry again and that is OK. You might cry at school, out with your friends, anywhere. Expect and prepare for the worst. Expect this to be overwhelming, imagine it to be the most horrible experience on the planet. That way, when it isn't, when you realize you can still breathe, the sun sets and rises, you can eat and process food and otherwise live, when you catch yourself smiling again about something, the relative difference between what you expected and what actually happened will give you hope that you will get through this.

 

Just whatever you do, do not contact this woman again. That is your mission. Just because you feel soooo bad and are hurting soooo much does not mean you guys are right for each other. Remember that and keep thinking about what we talked about last night...keep thinking...keep seeing the truth...keep going...

[caliboy_2007]

Frisco,

I have bad news but let me tell you exactly what happened.

 

I did what you said, and it worked I guessed... didn't call her, didn't ask for her, nothing... nada. and............... she came back to me crying and saying she made a mistake........... long story short I took her back... it's been exactly one month now... we were alot better TILL TODAY.

 

I was taking her to breakfast this morning and I couldn't help but noticing that she has been less talkative in the past 2 day... 2 days ago I talked about marraige to her, we've talked a million times about it and she's ok but I said we need to get a house of out own and stuff like that. anyways... today I told her, told her that you've been different and she kep denying it but deep down she knew so I asked her "Are you scared of marraige"... she noded YES, I said so AGAIN, you need your space... and basically I took her back to her car to go home. She stayed in the car in tears but IT WAS BASICALLY EXACTLY THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENED 1 MONTH AGO... she STILL doesn't know what she wants. I told that to her and said "GO, GO AND THINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANNA THINK, I WON'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE, LEAVE ME ALONE... saying that last part was so hard for me trying to keep my face straight and not cry but I did. She said "YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU" leaving and I said "No, I don't"... she said I just don't wanna hurt you like this. WHAT THE HELL is this?!!! I was taking her to breakfast, we've been good...................................... I swear to GOD, sometimes I wanna shout out loud WHAT IS WRONG WITH WOMEN...

 

 

I have done EVERYTHING that was in my power to make a good time for her, took her to places I couldn't even afford... showed her love and affection really close to ENDLESS all the time and this is what I get.

 

I can't see myself leaving without her but I can't live like this either... I can't see myself with any other woman and this woman that I have planed my future with does this.

 

I had told her last time (when she came back to me) that this is the LAST TIME and no more "I want my space to think" or things like that so she knows that.

 

I think I made a mistake but maybe not, but I told her to go and I said "I'll be here always"

 

Please help. How do you guys see this.

[caliboy_2007]

Please, If anybody can help me I'd appreciate it greatly guys and ladies.

[icarus27]

I'm moved to write because your situation is similar to mine. My ex-gf finished with me after a year, saying that everything else was fine, but we don't have a spark. Since then, NC, it's been a month.

 

I am sorry you are having to go through this horrible time, and also your last post described that your hopes were built up only to be let down again. It must be awful, and even that is an understatement.

 

If I were thinking of how you should be now, you have to be unashamedly selfish and look after your own well-being. It's been proved not just once but twice that your ex is looking after her own interests. You need to keep yourself safe from this fickle person first of all. I'm quite impressed that the second time round, you were able to tell her firmly to "Go, think as much as you like ... leave me alone".

 

Having said that, what do you do with the storm of feelings you have? I am struggling with them myself. They range from desperately trying to figure out what I did wrong, justifying my actions to myself a thousand times, and then not really believing the justification -- to honest, sheer grief at the loss of a precious person in my life. Like in your case, my girl was good to me, but she was also hard work. She was my first great love, and so no amount of work seemed out of place. The sad thing was, one day she decided the relationship wasn't right for her. I get flashbacks of the times when things were good, and wherever I am - in the car, at home - I double up and cry. The hardest thing is letting go, but you HAVE to be willing to do this. Just commit to be willing, and in time it will happen.

 

I am sorry there is not much of an easy way. I wish you the best. Keep posting, we're all here with you.

[caliboy_2007]

Thank you icarus27,

I am dying from the feelings...

 

I dont' wanna let her go, she's kind, nice, educated, (so am I though) but she just wasn't giving me enough attention the first time around but then it was better (or I like to think it was) ... I love her and hearing what she told me is killing...... I am at loss...

 

I wish I had friends to go hang out with but don't have much

I'm still not going to let her go, I mean I don't want to... I don't know what to do or not to do................................

[caliboy_2007]

If anybody can help me guys and ladies please write...

 

I can't work, can't eat.... I know this means weakness and I'm not weak but I can't just let go and be like an * * * * * * * that was just waiting for the GF to leave.................... why does it always happen to the people that have been nothing but NICE and willing and have given themselves to their loved ones......

[icarus27]

htoudiee,

 

I say this really as a fellow sufferer ... so it might be I am saying this to my own broken heart.

 

It's a shame that you say your support network of friends is not there .... but you have family? In one way or another, get back in contact with these other people in your life. If you don't have obvious friends round you, it may be time to find that courage in your heart and go out and try to meet new people. I'm sorry that may sound like rubbish advice ... at a time when you're hurting as much as you are, it may be the last thing you want to do to meet new unfamiliar people. but I am just trying to make the point that you have to find some outside stimuli to give your mind a break. Your mind, like mine, is feverishly processing to death every last detail of the relationship - and that is incredibly tiring, never mind fruitless.

 

Focus on what little things you yourself CAN do and control. For example, going for a run? You don't need someone else for it, just go out and do it, either at a gym or in the outdoors. Make your health a priority -- stay away from the booze and/or drugs, and tell yourself that you're worth looking after: make it a point to eat well and properly.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss htoudiee, I too often can't get away from remembering the good sides to my ex, I hear you when you say you loved her with your heart. But now the priority has to be you, and your own survival. I pray both of us can be strong.

[TornTattered]

htoudie.... i think the best thing you can do right now is work out. Go to the gym. Go for a run. Take up boxing! When i got my heart snapped, i ran for hours until i couldnt run anymore. Then i went and boxed until i couldnt move my arms anymore. So i went out and ran again. Now what did this do for me? It got my frustration out. It raised my endorphins. It helped me feel a little bit better at the time being. And in the meantime it will help me look better physically. Just find something to keep you busy. Take care man.

[caliboy_2007]

icarus27 and Torn&Tattered, I wanna thank you for your replys.

 

As far as friends I do have them but they are not close enough... but I guess I could start hanging out with them. They always ask "How's she"... what am I gonna say... I say (like last time) "good, she's doing good, I was free tonight so I thoguht I'd come by to see you" knowing deep down that my love of life might be gone.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am at work a person that everybody loves to be with, I am in I.T. industry and I am doing very well in there and I am peoples/boss's favorite employee and stuff but I guess she meant alot more than that to me... I'll go work out, that might help as you guys said.

 

I APPRECIATE your helps, comments, anything anybody has to say to me!! You guys are my only friend I feel I can atleast talk to.

[need2bme]

If the voice of your heart gets too loud, start challenging it with logic to make it shut up. Ask it questions like, "What evidence is there leading me to believe that she will a) come back to me, and b) genuinely change her feelings for me?" Everything your heart says to you, you come back with a question like that...outsmart it...and keep doing it until you get tired, worn out, and get one step closer to the promised land of indifference...

 

Well said Frisco.

 

Many self help books ask that you question your heart. One I read goes as far as to ask you to question your feelings. In this instance, we all need to.

 

Stay strong!!

[need2bme]

Torn&Tattered:

 

When i got my heart snapped

 

I like that. I think I will steal it.

 

Sorry about the snapping. I think I hear that sound daily.

[caliboy_2007]

Well said Frisco.

 

Many self help books ask that you question your heart. One I read goes as far as to ask you to question your feelings. In this instance, we all need to.

 

Stay strong!!

 

Thank you for your response. I've been better, I still get my moment when I burst into tears but I've been better.

 

Thanks guys.

[friscodj]

Here are my thoughts:

 

1) She came back with the best of intentions under the wrong assessment of her feelings. She probably mistook "missing you", "hurting badly", and lonliness being away from you for "if I feel this way without him, we must be right for each other". She tried and had the best intentions...until the reality of this hit her and she realized this isn't what she wants.

 

2) She's a flake and she will continue to be such to you or anyone else. She simply is not ready for a serious relationship. She is not at a place in her emotional development to do so.

 

3) I have been down this road before, many times. In fact, in my last relationship, we broke up every 2 months for a year, same thing, over and over and over and over and over again, exactly. This will happen for you too. You've already seen it once, what makes you think you won't see it again?

 

4) This is exactly what you needed. You found the conviction you need to break out of this for good now. You're frustrated. Use this frustration, remember it, forget about "always being there for her", now you disappear. You did EVERYTHING you could. Remember these words, remember this situation, remember what you wrote here. Document it in a journal and re-read it whenever you feel the desire to ride this rollercoaster ride to hell and back again.

 

5) EVERYBODY hurts during a break up, that is inherent to the nature of break ups. It is a contraint of reality we all must deal with. So don't try to ease her pain here, you need to be gone. And to do that, for your sake and hers, it is better to make distance by not having contact with her indefinitely. Don't worry about "when" you will talk again, don't read, look at, or listen to any communication she presents to you. They will only confuse you and lure you back to this rollercoaster ride again...the same one you just rode. Remember she is a confused person and your hopes she will get un-confused are illusions generated by your heart...nothing more...even if she tells you everything you want to hear...so don't hear it in the first place...

[icarus27]

htoudiee,

 

When your friends ask about her, it is one of the awkward moments. The cleanest way is to tell them the truth. Say so in a matter of fact way. Yes, it will hurt to do so. But your friends, those that know you, will be concerned about you, they'll acknowledge that you're going through a hard time, and if there is someone with whom you can have a longer talk, do so.

 

I'm trying to say, don't be ashamed. This is something I had and still have to some extent. Believe that amongst your friends there will be others who've had break-ups, it is never just you. We're all human.

[caliboy_2007]

I understand your comments but here is one problem. She lend me money for some occasion that I will be paying back every month to her.

 

If I'm supposed to be disappeared, then how am I going to give her that monthly payment (I'm not objecting you, I'm asking for everyone's thought). I think I can go to the bank and deposit it to her account but I don't wanna be that cruel to her. The fact is that she like you said doesn't know what she wants but that's not her fault so I don't need to be mad at her and that's why I don't wanna deposit the money to her account. Is that ok to go and give her the money every month or so? very brief?

 

I'm hurting because she's the most inecent woman I have ever seen, the most inecent one... it's just that she doesn't know what she wants and is not ready for a serious relationship yet and I can't for the life of me be mad at her.

[friscodj]

You can send her checks in the mail without other contact with her. That's business, that's all that is.

 

I'm telling you, for this thing to be "done" it has to be "done", and for that happen, this has to be "done". Not "kinda-sorta", not "we're still talking", this thing needs to end, be done, have a clear end both people understand so the healing process can really begin...one in which you clearly tated you wish to pursue above. Don't forget what you wrote and don't waver man.

 

You can't be with her because you feel bad about hurting her, that's no good. Right now, you're keeping this thing on life support. AT times like this, the right thing is not the thing that makes you feel good, but it is still necessary.

[friscodj]

Let me ask you this...what hard, solid evidence has she given you that leads you to believe she will ever be sure? You want to believe she will be sure, but have seen time, and time, and time, and time, and time, and time, and time and time again that once someone slips into the abyss of "not being sure", that is pretty much how it will be between you and her.

 

Everyone thinks their situation is the special exception. I have done this many, many times myself.

 

And by you "keeping the door open" for her, you are not making yourself available to grieve, heal, and make yourself available to someone who will be sure. You are flying a holding pattern over rough terrain.

 

You are holding onto an illusion, a utopian notion that she will "come around". You are living in the world of "what if", located between the illusion of heaven and the reality of hell. What do you have to back this up? She is like this now, do you think she will ever have the conviction and decisiveness necessary to sustain a healthy marriage? Go through brutally hard times with you and not flake? She certainly has shown you a lot to say otherwise...

 

While I see this quite clearly, very clearly, who am I? I'm some Internet stranger. Go find this answer out on your own. Wait, and wait, and wait.

 

Even if you say you can do both, move on and still leave the door open for her, at some point, you will be faced with a situation where you either pursue a relationship with someone else or keep waiting. At some point, a "yes" or "no" decision will have to made here. See for yourself.

 

There might be some periods where she is sure, you get back together, then the periods where she flakes out again and you go through this again. There has been a precedent set here that this is how it will be with this woman. Go through it, I urge you to try your best here for yourself. Lay it on the line and wait as long as you can. That's my advice to you.

[friscodj]

How much time are you going to give her? A week? A month? A year? Ten years? What specifically is she focusing on during this "time away" and are her actions matching her words? She says she "needs" you but she is living life without you. She says she loves you but she is not sharing it with you. And why can't she figure out what she needs to figure out with you? It sure sounds to me like she "needs" to have you around. She didn't mention anything about you...that text was all about her...

 

The facts you listed are not applicable in any way to this situation. What matters is she is not with you. She could be with you but she is not. Remember that, that is what matters.

 

Marrying her (if it even gets that far) is not going to change or fix anything. This woman is who she is.

[caliboy_2007]

Thanks Frisco,

I've been better, I still get the moments that I'm walking, reading, doing something and all of a sudden I miss her like crazy and start crying out of nowhere but I'm trying to work on ME now... I understand now that a broken ME does not benefit anybody.

[friscodj]

Thanks Frisco,

I've been better, I still get the moments that I'm walking, reading, doing something and all of a sudden I miss her like crazy and start crying out of nowhere but I'm trying to work on ME now... I understand now that a broken ME does not benefit anybody.

 

There you go bro. It doesn't matter who you're with, if you're not in a good place in your life with yourself, you'll never find fulfillment unless it comes from within yourself to share with someone else and not have them be the source of it.

[TornTattered]

Hey htoudiee, hows it goin. I just want to add on what i said earlier. I think this will help you. Before you go to sleep tonight make a list of goals that you want to achieve. What is it that you have really strived at achieving yet for some reason couldnt get it?

 

Here is an inference from my experience : I have always wanted to have a ripped body with a 6-pack and everything. But no matter how hard i seemed to try, i would just get "toned". Now there is nothing wrong with that, but i felt unsatisfied. I would just get jealous being that i played sports my whole life and i trained harder than these other people that were physically gifted, yet I couldnt look like what i trained for. So with the break-up i made that one of my top priorities. I have pushed and pushed myself for over a month and am now starting to see results. Am i where i want to be yet? No, but the point is that i am engulfing myself with a goal(s). I am dedicating myself to my goals.

 

I also always felt really secluded. I never had that many friends, nor did i like to go out that much. But It was perfectly fine as i had a small little ring that liked to hang out and such, and i did not mind not going out. ( of course me goign to a new school REALLY hindered my ability to get comfort from my friends). But i would look at the people that have tons of friends and secretly become envious. But something in me kept me from being that type of outgoing person. I would think "That guy that has no problem with what other people think of him." I was too busy worrying what other people think about me that i lost sight of the big picture.

 

So what did i do? I took this break and made goals to "fix" myself into that person that i wanted to be. I went out and talked to as many people as i could. I got peoples' phone numbers. I signed up for open mic nights. I stopped letting things get to me. Got rid of the pessimism. Life is too short to be worrying about everything and what everybody thinks of you. In retrospect, the break changed my life for the better.

I know... how could it be that much better? I am still heart broken and still love this woman, yet she is having the time of her life without me. But in hindsight, without the break i would never have had the initiative to get out and fix these problems. Yes it still hurts that we arent together. And no, i can not say that you wont think about her at night right before you go to sleep, or when you wake up. Hell, if you are like me, its your dreams. But i can say that setting goals for yourself and getting out there and going for them really occupies the ever-wandering mind. And i hope it is that next step that gets me past her. Who knows, maybe when i see her next she will be in awe of me, or i will be "over" her. Maybe by then i will have found that she isnt as attractive as she used to be. Only time will tell. But im not worrying about that. And neither should you. Just make some goals for yourself and get out there!

 

Sry about the long post, i dunno if it made any sense. But i was flying through this.

[whoops]

torn and tattered - great post -

 

my relationship fizzled due to outside interferences and to be honest the man didnt know what he wanted and i didnt want or think we should get married either - i say this yet i feel so bad we broke up but if it isnt right it isnt right i guess but i still feel like the dumpee and angry that he never told me how he felt earlier.

 

Anyway i did what you did and worked out what i am going to focus on so as my friends are all getting married or have their own lives i knew i had to go out and meet others and as i am not at college i had to put myself on this network to do it. So i found a site someone suggested here and have started going to some of the meetings they have for things i am interested in - it is great i meet new people my mind is activated and i serve my passions.

 

I am hunting for new ideas further afield as well and generally although i am alone again i am making the most of what i have in life and trying not to wallow but turn this time into something good for me. If i find someone one day fine and i would like to as i realised marriage isnt so scary as i thought but i wont settle like others have so in the meantime i want to help the most important person - me!