caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Guys and Girls. I'm 24 and my first love of my life after 20 months, broke up with me. This was my first girlfriend, first love, and I'm still a virgin (not that it has anything to do with it) but she told me she loves me but she's not IN LOVE with me and it's not fair to her and me if she stays like this. Guys, I'm going crazy. I'm crying my eyes out. I was never nothing but nice to her, I respected her, loved her to death, she tested me millions time and never once did I leave her or went for somebody else or lost my faith on her and I was finally dumped. Please help me with you healing opinions. Please. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Oh bro, I know how you feel. Next to the words, "I don't know how I feel", the words, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" are devastating. I'd rather hear "I hate you, you bastard" than hear either of those other two lines... It is good that you are crying. I always feel better after a good cry... Face the grief, face the pain, that's key. You don't want bottled-up residual feeling poisoning a future relationship. Get it all out now... What else can you do? For a while, you'll probably robotically exist, the days blending together and you will either feel pain or feel nothing. It will suck, but it will get better. In the meantime, suffer and grieve until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then force yourself to get out and do things that you enjoy or at least make you feel a little better. Get your life back. And above all, don't talk to this woman again. Forget it. It isn't an option at this point. Maybe later but no time soon. No contact...and if the feelings and urges to contact her overwhelm you, you come talk to us first... And you also learned a valuable lesson from this, one that has taken me several years to learn. You can't "prove yourself" or "win" a woman's love. Even if you do everything technically "right", sometimes the feelings just fade. Not fair at all bro... Link to comment
robowarrior Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 You should never have gone into that relationship expecting it to work out just because it concerned 'your case' Reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave any day, and that things can go wrong for everyone including you. Even if your nice ,sweet etc you have to aknowledge that 'it takes two' people to decide to stay together, its a joint venture not a single decision. I know what it is to have your heart shattered to pieces. One of the worst feelings possible. But you'll notice that you went into this relationship with your head in space, they don't say 'love makes blind' for no reason, you stepped on quite a few landmines , and its important to get your head out of space, back to earth. What you should NOT do is to lock yourself up in some room,and cry over this girl, although i won't blame you if you do. As most guys are like that, don't put your life on hold for this woman. Rather pick the pieces of your broken heart , glue them back together, and give yourself time to heal. Don't step into a new relationship until your ready, its not the end of the world , even tho it feels that way. Show you have a life of your own to live, and don't let your life depend on her. Bring the power of your life back to where it belongs, namely in YOUR hands. That will save you from some hurt, although it won't prevent everything. Take these life lessons into your next relationship, again move on with your life. Link to comment
DBL Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 How do you go out with someone for 20 months and still be a virgin? I'll give you the same advice that someone gave me a few years ago. "Kindness is a weakness", people just take advantage of that. Also, stop crying. I'm thinking between you being a virgin at 24 and dating someone for 20 months, now crying...you may need to be a bit more manly. Toughen up. DBL Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Hey, I wanted to call you by name but didn't know it. Thank you alot man, It hurts, god it hurts that she loves me but not in love with me, AFTER 20 months of me putting myself 120% for her... it hurts. I'm gonna need as much help as possible. I have almost (because of the relationship) no friend, I stopped going out with them since I was being always with my GF... now, I have NOBODY. Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Guys, I am a virgin because I chose to. She is too. That's what I loved about our relationship... we had this inocent thing between us and it was awesome but YES, the relationship WAS ONE WAY... only hers... I was always doing stuff to make her happy. This IS WHERE I keep crying and being messed up... I keep thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life, I should go to her and ask for a second chance, but then she was the one to say she's not in love with me and that makes me NOT able to go to her asking for a 2nd chance. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Hey, I wanted to call you by name but didn't know it. Thank you alot man, It hurts, god it hurts that she loves me but not in love with me, AFTER 20 months of me putting myself 120% for her... it hurts. I'm gonna need as much help as possible. I have almost (because of the relationship) no friend, I stopped going out with them since I was being always with my GF... now, I have NOBODY. Yeah, I know. But you do have people in your life and most importantly you have you. You have family too I bet, and you have us here... Take her statement "I love you but I'm not in love with you" as "I don;t love you". The first type of love she is talking about is really "caring" and "attachment". She said that so she doesn't feel guilty and doesn't feel alone. She is setting you up to use you as her security blanket...watch out... Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Guys, I am a virgin because I chose to. She is too. That's what I loved about our relationship... we had this inocent thing between us and it was awesome but YES, the relationship WAS ONE WAY... only hers... I was always doing stuff to make her happy. This IS WHERE I keep crying and being messed up... I keep thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life, I should go to her and ask for a second chance, but then she was the one to say she's not in love with me and that makes me NOT able to go to her asking for a 2nd chance. A "second chance" at what? Living your life for her? Having another relationship revolve around her? Healthy relationships are two-way and you didn't have one of those. So why go back to it? When you are in your bed tonight looking at the ceiling and crying, you keep telling yourself "It was all about her, it was all about her". Then ask yourself what she did you you... Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Yeah, I know. But you do have people in your life and most importantly you have you. You have family too I bet, and you have us here... Take her statement "I love you but I'm not in love with you" as "I don;t love you". The first type of love she is talking about is really "caring" and "attachment". She said that so she doesn't feel guilty and doesn't feel alone. She is setting you up to use you as her security blanket...watch out... friscodj, she is the most kind girl I have ever met... believe me, I'm not blinded about this one at least. when I call her and goes to voice mail and hear her voice, I wanna cry all my life (haven't called her thought after the breakup). She asked for a break about 2 weeks ago and then she came back to me saying everything is ok now (then) and she has thought her thoughts. then this happens. You can probably figure out how messed up I am that I probably don't even make sense. I do have a family and thank GOD for that but every second I'm thinking of: what she's doing, who she's thinking about, what if I see her with another guy, who will she lose hers to when we agreed that we'd be each other's first, who will she have babys with... we had talked about all the above, babys, etc... and now it's too hard to think of each one of them and then immidiately think "oh, but that's gone, she's not longer yours". Thanks for being there man... Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 A "second chance" at what? Living your life for her? Having another relationship revolve around her? Healthy relationships are two-way and you didn't have one of those. So why go back to it? When you are in your bed tonight looking at the ceiling and crying, you keep telling yourself "It was all about her, it was all about her". Then ask yourself what she did you you... I ask that and the thing is that when we were together, I had this feeling of our relationship is one way but kinda tried to not feel it... and still gave my very best to her, as much as I could, and some more, but now, all I think of is the good moments we had, not the bad ones, what she DID for me... basically looking for reasons to feel guilty and go back to her. I know it's wrong too. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Brother, I feel you and everything you are talking about is normal. I have felt the same things, asked those same questions, and thought there was no hope... Look, she is a kind person, she is not a bad person at all. You are a good person too. But you guys are not good for each other. That's a tough concept to grasp. I wish there was something I could say to you other than that. The only thing I can say is absolutely under any circumstance should you see, call, or otherwise contact this girl. You don't see it now, but you will meet someone where you share a better love together in a healthy and balanced relationship that will be better because of what you learned from this experience. For now, keep focusing on how one-sided the relationship was and how much it took out of you. Keep reminding yourself of that and soon you'll start to see that you have gained freedom here. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 I ask that and the thing is that when we were together, I had this feeling of our relationship is one way but kinda tried to not feel it... and still gave my very best to her, as much as I could, and some more, but now, all I think of is the good moments we had, not the bad ones, what she DID for me... basically looking for reasons to feel guilty and go back to her. I know it's wrong too. OK, two things: 1) Did she give you her very best too? 2) You've got to be fair here dude. Everytime you start thinking about the good times, be fair and remember a less-than-good time as well and the overall notion that she just didn't give you what you gave her. You deserve the best from a woman just like she deserves the best from you. She didn't give you that. Keep telling yourself that. You're torn right now between your head which knows what I and everyone else here is telling you and your heart which is stuck on this girl. Keep listening to your head, go NC with your heart and the feeling will subside eventually... Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Thanks friscodj. Really Thanks. It's 1AM here and it's much appreicated that you are staying up to answer/help me. and I hear that people get rid of the things the "now EX" had given them but when I go to do that, I have this feeling that she might come back so i don't throw them away. Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 OK, two things: 1) Did she give you her very best too? 2) You've got to be fair here dude. Everytime you start thinking about the good times, be fair and remember a less-than-good time as well and the overall notion that she just didn't give you what you gave her. You deserve the best from a woman just like she deserves the best from you. She didn't give you that. Keep telling yourself that. You're torn right now between your head which knows what I and everyone else here is telling you and your heart which is stuck on this girl. Keep listening to your head, go NC with your heart and the feeling will subside eventually... What did you mean bu "go NC with your heart". Sorry I didn't catch that. Oh, she did give her best at FIRST, but then it started to fade... I saw it but I was too blind to FEEL it and see where it's going. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Thanks friscodj. Really Thanks. It's 1AM here and it's much appreicated that you are staying up to answer/help me. and I hear that people get rid of the things the "now EX" had given them but when I go to do that, I have this feeling that she might come back so i don't throw them away. She is not coming back. In fact, from what you wrote, she was never "there" like you were. If she "comes back", I believe it will be seeking "friendship" or will get back with you to avoid the grief she will have to face too. This woman is gone like yesterday, believe that. That is step 1 in the process here. She is gone. There is no other option. Period. Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 What did you mean bu "go NC with your heart". Sorry I didn't catch that. Oh, she did give her best at FIRST, but then it started to fade... I saw it but I was too blind to FEEL it and see where it's going. Your heart will tell you to go after her, that she will come back and you guys will live happily ever after. Your heart will generate mirages that will lead you to emotional hell should you follow them. Don't listen to these senseless and hopelessly romantic notions. That's what I meant. Now is the time for rational thought. Your feelings are working against your best interests right now. Realize they are there and process the grief but don't "listen" to your feelings and do what they are "telling" you to do, like wait for her, chase her, she was "the one" for you, etc. Your heart is the devil right now... Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Ok, I'll try to go with this since my BRAIN says what you are saying is right. (before the emotions comes in and makes me think she's thinking of me now and she might come back and what am I gonna say if she does). Link to comment
friscodj Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Ok, I'll try to go with this since my BRAIN says what you are saying is right. (before the emotions comes in and makes me think she's thinking of me now and she might come back and what am I gonna say if she does). You keep listening to your BRAIN. It is your best friend right now...your closest ally...and your best weapon... If the voice of your heart gets too loud, start challenging it with logic to make it shut up. Ask it questions like, "What evidence is there leading me to believe that she will a) come back to me, and b) genuinely change her feelings for me?" Everything your heart says to you, you come back with a question like that...outsmart it...and keep doing it until you get tired, worn out, and get one step closer to the promised land of indifference... Link to comment
vesper Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Htoudiee, I am sorry you are going through a hard time. We are here for you. (((((( HUGS!!!!)))) Link to comment
vesper Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 How long did you and her date? Link to comment
Ipso Fracto Man Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Fantastic advice, friscodj. Life would be a lot less painless if more of an emphasis were placed on training ourselves to follow the path of logic rather than that of emotion. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 hey there - i think you've gotten some fantastic advice! Now would be a good time to take care of YOU. what are some things that you've always wanted to do but never had a chance? learned to play golf? travel to spain? learn to ski? now is your chance. join some organizations that appeal to you, drag yourself to the meetings, even if you'd rather be crying in bed. You'll meet new people, and expand your social circle, and have some fun. think BIG! Link to comment
desertnomad Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 I agree Ipso. It is great advice by frisco. If we would follow logic instead of our foolish hearts with its romantic notions of happily ever after we might avoid alot of needless heartache. Its so easy to get caught up in the emotion of being with someone and having someone and being so grateful for it, which is normal, that we forget to really look at things ever objectively and see if this is really good for us. If we did that in a relationship we might either one see its not good for us to be in that relationship or two realize there are issues that need to be talked about and resolved right now before planning anymore of the future together...a future that may never happen. I found with me my mind is forced to take a back seat with all its misgivings while that romantic notion of 'love conquers all' is in control. Look out below.... Link to comment
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 If she tested you a million times, she'd have done it a few million more times. You are LUCKY. She's outta your life! The scum has left, of her own accord. Avoid her and move forward. Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 How long did you and her date? Thank you. We were together for 20 months. Guys, thanks alot. I cryed all last night until I had no breath left, even after reading these advices... but I'll try to love ME from now... at least I'll try to. I have no friends but hopefully will find some. Link to comment
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