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Possible crash and burn


tretneo
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Hey everyone... I am sure a lot of you have seen my threads so I will spare you all with repeat information...

 

On Wednesday I went and spent the afternoon and evening with this girl that I like and have known forever. First of all I bought her a cd that I knew she wanted and would enjoy and she really liked it...

 

We rented a couple of movies and watched them in her room (she lives with her dad atm) She closed the door while we were in there and we watched from her bed. During the first movie I didn't try to get too close or anything but during the second one she was getting sleepy and I touched her hair and stuff. At one point she curled up on her side facing me and I kind of put my arm around her and kissed her on the top of her head lightly... I am not sure if she was awake enough to notice though.

 

When I left we hugged, a longer more intimate type hug then we usually would and she said I smelled good but I didn't feel the vibe to try and kiss her. I called her shortly after leaving and thanked her and told her I really enjoyed spending time with her. Also although I hear a lot of you saying not to I told her that I really like her and she responded and said she likes me too but she isn't sure how fast she wants things to go... I said I am not good with fast anyway and I just want to continue seeing her and having a good time together... she said Yes we will and called me a sweetheart. I told her that I would call her sometime in the afternoon the next day

 

Yesterday when I got home from school I logged online and she had left me an offline yahoo message saying "Hey! Have a good day today k". When she logged on a bit later from school we chatted for a few minutes about random crap and she logged off. I tried calling her around 5 and got voicemail so I left a message. I didn't get a call back and at 9:30ish I was heading to bed and sent her a text saying hope she had a good day and goodnight.

 

I didn't hear from her today at all although she has been online here and there... I am starting to overthink things here and get a little concerned and replaying all of my actions/words. Any oppinions? what do you all think?

 

Rob

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Hey Rob-

 

Great story man! Had me on the edge of my seat...

 

It doesn't sound like a crash and burn situation to me. It does sound like your have more of your heart into this than she does though for sure. But it sounds like she's trying. Part of me says if she really had feelings for you, speed be damned, she'd go for it. You may be friendzoned and she might be trying to avoid hurting your feelings...

 

Lots of possibilities still. You want to continue seeing her and she agreed so I would keep doing it.

 

In the meantime, try not to get too attached to her. I have a nagging gut feeling you might end up disappointed here. Focus on things you really enjoy in your life, focus on making time to do them without her, and don't expect anything to come out of this situation with her. If it does, that's great, but I wouldn't get in any deeper until you feel the same from her...

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Thanks for the reply man... I am actually going to school right now and starting a new job next week so I am keeping busy.... Also I haven't completely stopped looking for people to hang out with either. I am actually meeting a girl that I met on myspace tomorrow for lunch in Berkeley.

 

So I am trying to find things to keep me occupied and everything. I am not getting a great vibe from this current situation but I am going to continue letting it play out and see what happens like you say... I see some good signs from her but then also some mixed ones and like you said, I think I am definitely more into it than she is...

 

Thanks again for the quick response.... the input always helps.

 

Rob

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haha Oh I dunno, I am the guy that can't seem to think straight and worries all day and all night about this stuff... I am just doing whatever I can to make it through the days. Today has been pretty bad for me, I really like Steph and I am really hoping things go right here... I am just very afraid it won't and in the meantime I need things to do in order to keep me from overthink overloading...

 

Rob

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That's exactly what you have to do Rob. And the key here is you have the method right, so even if this one particular situation doesn't turn out the way you want it, you're setting yourself up for happiness in the future because you're doing the right things...

 

You keep doing the right things it is only a matter of time before the right outcome presents itself...

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From here on - dont tell her you like her.

Dont try to spend too much time with her.

You need to be a challenge for her. If she isnt fully interested in you yet, you will only turn her off if you make it easy for her.

 

Dont let her know youre more into it than she is. Hold your cards close to your chest and let her do some of the chasing. If you arent talking to her, she wont lose any interest in you. It just prevents you from stuffing anything up, and chances are, she will be thinking about you.

And while she is thinking about you, her interest levels are going up.

 

...and dont send goodnight sms's...

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ok, well I didn't last night, although at some point yesterday I sent her a yahoo message saying I was headed out but wanted to say hey and hope she had a good day.... but I will stop doing that as well...

 

I hate playing games but I guess there is no other way here.

 

how about if she does call me or something.... should I answer right away and everything like I always do?

 

Rob

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hey:

i liked this thread because it really shows how caring men are. i think we women can forget that when it comes to the dating scene. i would have to agree w. others here and say you ought to keep it cool w. this girl. let her come to you now. we have all been in situations where feelings for the other person seem uneven or the other person isn't as into this as we are. it's a fact of life.

 

but, don't sweat it. what will be will be. just relax and keep an open mind and heart!

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ok, well I didn't last night, although at some point yesterday I sent her a yahoo message saying I was headed out but wanted to say hey and hope she had a good day.... but I will stop doing that as well...

 

I hate playing games but I guess there is no other way here.

 

how about if she does call me or something.... should I answer right away and everything like I always do?

 

Rob

 

Hey Rob-

 

I don't think it is about playing games either. Sooner or later, you guys will see the truth of each other and what you have together anyway. And if you get into the habit of playing games, games will be what you play...

 

You see, honesty is protrayed both through words and actions. You can "lie" to someone by speaking something false and hiding the truth and you can "lie" to someone by doing things that hide the truth too.

 

So I would be careful about adjusting your behaviorial integrity based on your feelings for this woman and what you want from her. I think you should simply "be yourself". If you want to send her texts to wish her a good day, do so. If you want to answer her calls, do so. The "right" woman for you will appreciate these things and love you for doing these things because this is who you are, what you are about, and how you express yourself.

 

If this woman doesn't develop the feelings for you, she is not for you. Your desire for her to be a good fit for you romantically should not compromise your character...

 

Keep doing what you feel you should be doing...

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I like this response man... makes a lot of sense, thanks... I actually feel a need to just sit back at this point and see what she does. I still haven't heard a thing from her at all and I kind of feel unfortunately that if she was interested as I am then she would have "wanted" to talk with me in some way by now.... So If she isn't interested or doesn't know if she is interested then I certainly don't want to be the annoying constant pursuer.

 

I certainly thought this was going to work out but then I guess if you want something you always see things working out for the best. I am going to try my best not to worry about it... sigh

 

 

Rob

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Rob-

 

I'm very impressed with your posts. You seem to be well-adjusted here and have a good perspective on things.

 

Regardless of what happens in this one situation with this one particular woman, I believe you will be fine. Make sure you keep being yourself around women because you are a good guy with a big heart and good head on his shoulders.

 

And if this woman doesn't turn out to treat you like the amazing guy you are, treat you like you treat her with same level of emotion, there is another waiting down the road who will.

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Thanks for the compliments man... without trying to talk good about myself I do agree with you that I am rather level headed, I am caring and have a big heart... My problem is in the confidence department....

 

It is so hard for me to approach women and try and get things started... I suppose I am doing ok over the past few weeks as I have had dates with two women but one is this girl I have known forever and the other is one I met via Myspace.... I don't know how to meet girls and talk to them very well just at random while out and about. I usually am frozen and will see women I am interested in but never say a word to them. It is so hard for me.

 

Once I get to know someone however that happens then I get more comfortable and start being myself with them and all that.... I sooooo dread the whole meeting and approaching women thing.

 

Rob

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I know how you feel Rob. Have you tried other Internet dating sites? That might be a good idea...

 

And I've found it is easier to talk to women when you: a) don't expect anything romantic to come from your talk, and b) simply don't care. So what if she doesn't respond well to you? You'll get down on yourself sure. Don't be afraid of that. You'll forget about the situation in a day or two. Not once have I come accross a post on here where someone says, "It's been 2 months since I talked to this woman in a grocery store and she didn't like me I just can't go on."

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You have a point there. This is something that I have dealt with since being a teenager I guess. I just need to overcome it. I really hope I can find a solution within myself while I have this "single" opportunity... I have settled for relationships with women that weren't a great match for me because of it.

 

I actually have tried link removed which is how I met my current ex... I had very limited luck with it and actually have had better luck it seems just using something free such as myspace....

 

Rob

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I have settled for relationships with women that weren't a great match for me because of it.

 

This is a very profound introspective realization Rob! You sure do know what's going on...now just follow through with what you know! I'd hate to see a good guy like you end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

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ugh... weird vibe from steph... I knew she flew out of state yesterday to visit family so I just sent her a text message saying that I hope her flight was good and that all is well with her family... have a safe flight home. She responded a few minutes later with "Thank you. I got here fine, Thanks..." That just seems very distant and impersonal.

 

I think that I am going to have to pull back unless she decides to initiate something further...

 

What do you all think?

 

Rob

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It is pretty clear you have more emotional investment in this than she does. You were expecting something to the effect of, "Thanks, I got here fine, I miss you", or would have liked her to have called you back, and instead you got what you got.

 

So like I said before, you be yourself. What I would do is be yourself but be yourself considering her a friend and nothing more romantically. Focus on shifting your focus like that and your behaviors will follow. Don't focus on the specific behaviors, don't this-or-that, but focus on the motivation behind them. At this point, she sounds like a friend so treat the situation as such.

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Hey I think maybe for now, you should do like everyone says and avoid her for a min. Like dont cal, send text messages or better yet block her from your yahoo messenger temporarily so she doesnt know when u are online, and u dont see her on urs (remove her for now). This guy I met, initially he was contacting, and then it seemed like I was doing more, and eventually I just about had it, and stopped sending text messages or anything like that for about 2weeks. Around labor day, I sent him a text just to "say hello since it had been a while", he responded back with hello as well, I've been thinking about u lately. Then like magic the next day we get back to our daily conversations, and then he said he meant he had been thinking it would be nice to see me, cause we havent met. So that shows, here is a guy I had been corresponding with for about 1.5mths, I ignore him for 2 weeks, and I still cross his mind, how much so will she since she has known you for ever.

 

Let her be for now, if she wants u, she'll come after u or at least suggest ways u all can meet up.

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Hey Rob-

 

I agree with what everyone has been saying. However, i would also like to comment on how you automatically go to a negative place.

 

For instance the text message- i don't see anything wrong with what she said- i think because of your low self esteem you go to the negative- keep a postive outlook, while establishing your own bounderies. Begin to focus on what you want. Then these little issues won't bother you so much.

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thanks guys. Healing... you are absolutely right.... I always think negative things first thing.... Sometimes I don't realize it but when I think about it you are right. I have a really really busy week coming up starting tomorrow so I won't really have any time to think think think or worry about contacting her. We'll see what happens. I think for now though I will just cool it with trying to talk to her like you all suggest.

 

Rob

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Hey Rob-

 

I agree with what everyone has been saying. However, i would also like to comment on how you automatically go to a negative place.

 

For instance the text message- i don't see anything wrong with what she said- i think because of your low self esteem you go to the negative- keep a postive outlook, while establishing your own bounderies. Begin to focus on what you want. Then these little issues won't bother you so much.

 

Excellent point.

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I have a really really busy week coming up starting tomorrow so I won't really have any time to think think think or worry about contacting her.

 

I would focus on your busy week this week. Do this for you, to focus on your stuff and hopefully gain more of an outside perspective on the situation with this lady, but also keep an eye on her response. It will be very telling if you don't hear from her or if she either starts contacting you more.

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