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I'm scared he'll leave me


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I really need some advice. I have been seeing a guy for a few months now, and I really like him. But I don't know if it can carry on. I am so insecure that I am afraid I will ruin it. But I don't know how to control my emotions so that I stop being so insecure.


He says he likes me and wants to be with me, but I always question it, as I just don't trust it. I never get past this point in relationships. I get so scared that they are going to leave me that I just can't stop thinking beyond that point, and I become really neurotic. For instance, if they haven't called when they said they would or they are tired, I think it is because they don't like me anymore. And I ask them. And they try to support me but in the end it gets too much and the relationship ends. I really don't want to do this again. I want it to work. I feel like maybe I am incapable of ever getting past this point.


I know it has to do with my low self esteem, but how can I move on? I hate feeling this way and it makes me want to end it. At least when I am on my own I don't have to worry about all this.


Advice much appreciated!

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i don't know. I have no idea. I guess I just don't see myself as being somebody that other people would want to be in a relationship with. I have lots of very close friends, and I am fine in those relationships. It is sexual relationships I have problems with. I'm scared that they'll change their minds, that they'll see something that they don't like and I will get hurt. I'm always afraid that I like them more than they like me.

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Okay, so you know your pattern.. so now just know when you have the "feelings' your going to "just feel them" but NOT RE-ACT to them, take a moment, breathe, think through what you already know about "these feelings" and the harm they cause your relationships.. this will be an excersize each time the "insecure feeling" comes up... "feel it, do NOT re-act to it, feel it, it will pass" and little be little you'll see you may not be able to control the initial "feeling" but you can control your response to it....


so forget about trying to NOT having these feelings, you're going to "have these feelings" but from now on your going to "practice" NOT re-acting to them by saying something, begging for reassurance, do NOT do this anymore.. one day at a time.. and you'll start to feel better, stronger.. and the insecure feelings will lesson over time, STOP feeding them by "re-acting" to them..just feel it, let it pass

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When I am not in a relationship I feel more confident about myself, and can kind of recognise my qualities more, but when I am in a relationship I feel like those qualities disappear, or the other person can't see them, or I don't know, but here is a list:

I am funny

I think a lot

People say I am attractive

I am clever

I am direct

I come accross as confident (in person - obviously not in this discussion!)

I am caring

I am driven

I am different (I can be a bit off the wall crazy actually)

I am interesting


I don't see any of these as being that special. And there are loads of girls like this. But prettier and less insecure. Less of a nightmare!

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I think those are some great qualities!


yeah, there are loads of girls like that, sure you have a point, but there are loads of guys on this planet too who need girlfriends!


maybe this will sound really cheesy, but other members have done this and maybe it may work for you. Shes2smart on here gave me this suggestion...


have a mantra.


I know it sounds silly, but it may help. something positive like:


"I am an awesome, unique woman and any guy would be lucky to have me." Say it 10 times a day. A few times in the morning, a few times during the day, a few times at night.


or any other phrase that works for you. you may feel silly for the first few days, but over time, it won't feel as silly and it can become part of your consciousness and what you believe.


I have done this exercise and it really helps!

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Thanks to both of you for your advice. I will try the mantra - and I will feel stupid saying it but I will try! And I will try not reacting to my feelings. I have tried this in the past, but the feelings are just so unbearable that I have to do something about them. I find it impossible to just sit with them. But I know I need to try harder. I used to have an addiction so I could just get shot of any difficult feelings with that. Now I don't have it I have been encouraged to talk about the feelings. But talking about all the neurotic feelings I have is becoming quite destructive.

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yeah, you will feel ridiculous saying the mantras for the first few days, but I really think it will help.


look at it this way, you are already saying mantras to yourself, but they are very negative! "I'm not special" and "why would a guy want to be with me?" and "there are girls out there like me, but prettier and more secure."


You have started to believe these horrible things!


Change the "soundtrack" in your head. if a bad thought like that comes up, say something good to yourself, like, "I am very clever."

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