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Pips Estella
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My ex broke up with me a month ago. We'd only been going out for five months, not even. At ground zero, I was ok. Our breakup was amicable; no tears were shed, no voices were raised. He said that I needed to forget him, and I agreed that it would be best. Things predictably slipped into No Contact. At first, I was fine; it seemed odd not to see him or talk to him but I threw myself into work and saw friends to take my mind off things. However, this past week, things have taken a sudden and unexpected downturn and I don't know why. It's almost always at night, I begin to think about him, the good times and how much I miss him. I will the feelings to go away and taunt myself that he's probably out with new girls having a great time. But I just end up crying until my chest hurts. I'm so angry with myself for not being able to get along with my life. To be honest, every time I miss him and wish to be back with him, I get really ashamed of myself.

 

Any words of reassurance and comfort would be so dearly appreciated.

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Hey PE-

 

This is something I have experienced before too...sort of a "numbness/elation turned delayed grief".

 

The grief took a while to arrive but it finally came. Here it is...you miss him, you're angry, crying, etc....

 

The best words I can think to give you are that this is normal and just keep doing what you're doing...eventually the feelings will fade...

 

Try to keep your mind and body occupied with things you enjoy, pamper yourself, take some vacation time, try new and exciting things but be sure not to hide from the grief...

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Thanks for your reply. I'm looking after myself, and it's doing me the power of good. It's just that I'm afraid I'm going to become my own worst enemy, for two reasons. One: more and more frequently I'm giving into fantasies that we're one day going to get back together and two: I keep thinking about the last words he said to me before I walked out of his life : "Ca se terminera pas" which roughly translates as "It's not finished". But I'm not sure what he was referring to, and I'm scared he just said it to make me feel better. The ambiguity kills.

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I have been through similar times. It's a rollercoaster. The worst times are when the bad feelings hit you when out of the blue.

 

Try not to feel ashamed of yourself for having feelings. Embrace them. They are your own. Don't let anyone ever tell you that your feelings are unwarranted. Instead, work to make sure you act appropriately regardless of the feelings, realize they are just there and can hurt you, and do the things for yourself that you need to do.

 

Feel proud of yourself for moving on. Even amicable breakups are hard. There is loss and greiving. It's perfectly natural.

 

This too shall pass...

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The best way to get out of ambiguity when you are leaving it in someone else's hands is to take control of it yourself. Don't let his ambiguity be yours. Instead, make a concrete decision to feel the way you *want* to feel. If you want to move on, close the door yourself. There's no reason to let something out of your control dictate your emotions... though we all fall into that trap...

 

Give yourself the closure that you need.. because no one else will be able to give it to you.

 

Best wishes.

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In moments of pain, I'm torn between a) picking up the phone and using every argument in the book to get back with him and b) pressing him out of my mind and forgetting it all. I refuse to do a) out of pride and fear that he may just tell me to grow up and get lost. But with option b) I feel I could be giving up on an important relationship. You see, I've never felt so close to a guy before. Maybe I should take that into account ... grr I don't know what to do!!

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My thought is, if he were as into you as you were into him, then things would be great. He's not, otherwise he wouldn't have ended it a month ago and not tried to get back together with you. Who wants to be with someone that isn't into you? There are plenty of other people out there that will offer you more than that.

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I'm scared that I've missed my only chance to truly love someone. I've had boyfriends before but it was nothing compared to how I felt about my ex. I am a commitment-phobe and while I was with him I wanted to be his wife, the mother of his children - all of which I kept to myself, in order to not freak him out. I guess I'm just scared that this was my only chance and I've lost it. Maybe I should have fought harder for it. I was perhaps too passive when it came to the breakup, nodding and agreeing with all his decisions cos I was afraid of looking desperate, clingy and ridiculous.

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How old are you? If you are less than 100 or so.. then yes.. I would say that chance may be diminishing.. yet, you still never know...

 

If you are the committment phobe, why did *he* break it off? Was it because he wanted to commit and you did not?

 

You did not do the wrong thing during your brekaup. It's the only thing you *can* do. Leave with dignity. There is no use fighting if the other party doesn't care enough to fight also. It takes two to have a relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself for recognizing that, accepting that and moving on.

 

I can totally identify with your fear. However, let me at least share from my own experience... it was unfounded for me. I have broken up and I have come back. I have lost wonderful people and I have met wonderful people. There is always a happy future if you look toward a future of happiness. And the best way to be happy tomorrow is to be happy today.

 

Focus on your commitment issues so they don't get in the way of the next *better* thing. This may be a sign that it is time to tackle this issue with you and you are being given the time alone to do it. Take advantage of it while you can... you can see the breakup as a tragedy or a gift... look toward the gift of learning why you weren't able to commit and try to fix it.

 

If someone wlaks away from you, then it's just not meant to be. So, try not to focus on what happened, but how you can be in a better position to love yourself and then, have the love and the ability to commit to someone who will be better matched to you in the future.

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NJRon, thank you so very much. Your last post has given me a surge of hope. Yes, I'm only 22 and I should remember that No, I don't want to be with someone who walks away from me. It's tough, really tough, admitting that the first man I truly felt a connection with doesn't want me. But I know this doesn't spell the end of my life. I'm looking forward to getting on with my personal projects and making myself happy. I will refer back to this thread when I get down in the dumps again. Thanks again. xxxx

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