shorty20 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 My fiance and I got into a conversation the other night about cheating. He asked if I had ever cheated on anyone, and I said honestly yes, once. I explained that it was a mistake, that I'd been trying to break up with the guy for a few months and he kept manipulating me into coming back to him, and also that I broke up with him for good the very next day. I asked him the same question, and he said "I used to cheat on my girlfriends all the time"... I know he has a past. He told me once he even broke up with his girlfriend just for the weekend so he could has sex with another girl guilt free. We joke that if I would have came back into contact with him even a year ago I would have hated him. When we dated in highschool, I broke up with him for the same reason. He had a reputation, I was an innocent little daddy's girl. I heard a rumor about him and broke up with him. His past shouldn't matter to me right? It's his past and he's done alot of changing, even before he met me. I know deep in my heart he would never do that to me. That his relationships before revolved around drugs and that he was a different person because of all the drugs. I know that now he is clean and has his life together he is a different person, but I guess I'm a little worried he might get back into his old ways. He's never once given me a reason to believe he will. He treats me like a princess, gives me everything I want and need, showers me with love an affection... but should his past worry me? Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Closure Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Base your decisions on your relationship today. Do not worry about his past unless it become's his present. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 I don't know...did he sound remorseful at all for his cheating? The way you describe it above, it's hard to tell. I'm also wondering why he brought the subject up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 well, it was just kind of in conversation... I think we were talking about ex's and then I asked him if it scared him to think that I would be the last person he is going to have sex with. He answered no, that it makes him happy to know it will be with me. I asked him if he ever felt bad about cheating, and he said "ya... sometimes"... but part of me thinks that it was all the drugs that he was taking that affected him, it gave him this attitude that he didn't care about anything at all. I know the girlfriend he cheated on most was in highschool, and that his last girlfriend he was with for 3 years he never cheated on but did break up with her once so he could have sex with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 part of me thinks that it was all the drugs that he was taking that affected him, it gave him this attitude that he didn't care about anything at all. Part of you thinks...or hopes...that this was the reason? It would give me more hope if he actually said that to you, instead of you concluding that on your own. "Ya sometimes" would not be a reassuring answer to me if I asked someone if his cheating past bothered me. It doesn't sound all that remorseful, nor does it seem he's offering much explanation for his behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 what kinds of drugs was he on? Honestly, I was an addict for a long time, and I was still aware of my actions. And NEVER cheated. Drugs aren't an accuse. I'm a person that believes in the saying "You use past behavoir to predict future behavoir." To me, it's the only sure way to trust someone. I used to believe in "they changed" for a long time, but they always changed back and I always got burnt. How long has he been a different person? How long have you two been together? Scout made great points! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Thanks, Flower. Not just returning the compliment, but seriously, you're making some good points here, too. Shorty, I know you're in love with this guy. But for once, I hope you will really consider some of the advice you're being given here. Maybe I didn't word that right. But, I've followed many of your threads, and I know you have a tendency to sweep things under the rug, because it's difficult to face them. But facing uncomfortable situations is part of becoming a more mature person. And when we make more mature decisions, we spare ourselves and others a lot of pain down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 I understand what everyone is saying. We both agreed to go to counceling before we get married. We dated in highschool, lost contact and we've been dating for about 5 months now. It seems like a short period of time, I know, and I know i"ll get posters that think I'm moving too fast. Anywayz, here are my reasons for believing that his word is true, he is change and he won't ever hurt me in that way: a) even when we dated in highschool, he knew that I wouldn't do sexual things with him... hell, every time he tried to kiss me I'd turn my head so he got my cheak, lol.... but despite that, and despite his reputation he still wanted to be with me and was the first to tell everyone he was dating me. He was very sexually active but the fact that I wasn't didn't seem to matter much to him. b) I know drugs aren't an excuse for behavior, but they do give you severe mood swings... sever ups and downs that can lead to doing things you normally wouldn't do under different circumstances. I still hold him to those actions because it was his choice to do the drugs (I know mostly it was oxy cotton although he did pretty much anything and everything) c) in the whole 5 months he has been with me he has never ever given me one hint of a reason to believe that he would ever cheat on me. Aside from that, we also spent months writing letters back and forth while he was in boot camp which although wern't dating has to count for something. He has been so amazingly sweet to me, even when he was at his base he'd call me every night to tell me how much he missed me. When he was out with friends he'd call me just because he was thinking about me.... most of all, I believe that when you are being cheated on, or when you are being deceived, the majority of the time you can feel that it is going to happen but you just want to ignore it. With all my past boyfriends I felt it, knew what was going on and knew I would get cheated on. With him, although his past dosen't give him many brownie points, I do believe in second chances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 When are you two going to go to premarital counseling? I thought the wedding was in October? I definitely recommend it. Yes, it's been only five months and a great deal of that time has been long distance. I'm not refuting your points, just stressing other points I hope you don't neglect to think of either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Closure Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hey Scout! I don't mean to be rude but do you folks in the US have counselling EVEN before anything's happened? That's made my night, I can't stop smiling! When are you two going to go to premarital counseling? I thought the wedding was in October? I definitely recommend it. Yes, it's been only five months and a great deal of that time has been long distance. I'm not refuting your points, just stressing other points I hope you don't neglect to think of either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 I don't mean to be rude but do you folks in the US have counselling EVEN before anything's happened? LOL, Closure! Yeah, I guess come to think of it, we do for certain situations. Pre-marital counseling has become a popular and recommended thing in this country. Likely as a way to combat the high divorce rates. Pre-marital counseling usually involves discussions such as, do the couple share many of the same goals, at least the ones they need to share (i.e. having kids)? Do they know how they will handle their finances? How will they deal with certain conflicts that come up? It gives couples a "roadmap" of sorts to work with before embarking on the adventure of marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hey Scout! I don't mean to be rude but do you folks in the US have counselling EVEN before anything's happened? That's made my night, I can't stop smiling! Actually yah in Canada (and apparently US) to be married by a priest or pastor almost all if not ALL will NOT marry you without premarital couselling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Oh darling I was only asking how Long he's been a different man? not for the reasons you think it where you trying to convince me? or yourself? whatever you do....Trust your gut Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 we're not getting married till the end of december scout. 4 days before christmas. He's home right now on leave from his car accident, so if he's feeling better in the next week or so we might try to get it in then. Otherwise we'll be doing it over the phone when he's in Georgia and I'm here... my church is very good about working with couples like us where we're long distance. And alot of our relationship has been while he's here.. he was here for a month and a half before, we were apart for 2 or 3 months and now he's back for another month... then only 3 months to go until our wedding! I am so so convinced that I'm doing the right thing. I know deep in my heart that he wants nothing but the best for me and that he'll do everything in his power to give me everything I want and need and more. He's a very giving person. Our relationship was a bit rushed, but with the recent stress from his accident we've grown ALOT closer, and I have gotten to see his bad side, and to be honest it wasn't that bad. I think starting out a relationship with something tragic happening only makes you stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Personally, I would be really concerned about the way he seemed to kind of "brush off" responsibility and does not seem to really be too remorseful. It's easy to say "I would not cheat on you" only a few months into a relationship when it's all rainbows and roses. The real question is does he believe in staying faithful and committed in the hard times, when things aren't so rosy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 I think he does. I think this because of something he said. We were in the car driving and I was talking about how great it would be to get our house in Georgia and all settled in and how happy we'd be. He said "you know it's not going to be easy, right?" I think he knows deep down that It's not going to be perfect and that we will have hard times. With that knowledge he still wants to get married, but I think I might try to have a conversation with him about why he dosen't really seem too remoursfull over how he's treated girls in the past. It may be because the relationship was so long ago it's just his past and dosen't really matter to him anymore. I won't know until I talk to him, but I'll do that this weekend and try my best to bring it up in a non-threatening manner. Thanks for all the help and i'll let you guys know what happens! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 I was a player in the true sense of the word. I'd see three people on three consecutive days. I once dumped 4 people, AT ONCE, via...TEXT MESSAGE. But I'm now in a 11 month relationship, and I've been very, very good. Because I love this one, for real. And if your boyfriend loves you, he'll be the same. It's not inevitable he'll cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Many men and women cheat a lot when they're still discovering themselves and don't know what they want from a relationship. Others have a promiscuous period. Most grow out of it and settle into monogamous relationships. I'm one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 ive always wondered if this stuff was 'the past' or someones character traits.... much as someone has brown hair, they cheat.... they continue to have brown hair, they will continue to cheat at some point. Or not, just a thought. I wouldnt hold it against him in your current situation. I would however realize that he has proven himself capable of cheating all the time. So keep your eyes open, if he starts mysteriously working late or getting late night calls etc. you may want to be on guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 ive always wondered if this stuff was 'the past' or someones character traits.... much as someone has brown hair, they cheat.... they continue to have brown hair, they will continue to cheat at some point. Or not, just a thought. I wouldnt hold it against him in your current situation. I would however realize that he has proven himself capable of cheating all the time. So keep your eyes open, if he starts mysteriously working late or getting late night calls etc. you may want to be on guard. No easy answer as everyone is different. Also most people treat "dating" relationships differently from marriage or living together. What can be quite common is that some people have unfinished business near the start of a relationship or will cheat until such time they know the relationship is for keeps. For example, I have never cheated while married but have cheated on girlfriends. Doesn't make it right, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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