How do you know the one is the one ?!?

[IrishGal26]

Hello, Some say you just know but do you really know. I have been in a relatioship for two years now . We have our ups and downs , sometimes more down than ups but we love the same things and I do like being around him. We are building a house soon and I just wonder how do you know if this is what is meant to be ? Sometime i feel like I would like to be single then other times I like being in a relationship. Why can't I just be happy with him all of the time ? He does love me but sometimes I think to myself maybe he is not the "one". Other time I look at him and think defintley, hes great , I would like to build my life with him . I think I put too much pressure on myself and think about things too much but I just wondered what your opinons are on this and hope Im not alone ....

[Momene]

I think you may need a bit of time alone with friends/family and you can't be joined at the hip. What I'd ask is if you've had much previous experience of relationships. If not, you don't have anything to compare it with.

[MrKawabata]

I think the concept of "the one" is a myth. What is important is being happy and comfortable together, and being able to stay together after having an unplanned disagreement.

[TriedPatience]

If you have to wonder if he is "the one" after two years, chances are, he isn't.

[IrishGal26]

i know what you mean Tried Patience . I know what I am like too though, i was wonder about EVERYTHING in my life and can NEVER make a decision .. I am hopeless ! ha ha - i really am ... he is a great person, we enjoy each others company and he is really good to me ...i actually think my life would be worse without him in it - like completley bad - maybe i just take him for granted too much

[AzureSkyes69]

I am not really sure you ever know if someone is the "one" 2 times before I had been wrong when I thought someone was the "one" I would be with forever (or so I thought).

 

I think you may need a bit of time alone with friends/family and you can't be joined at the hip

 

the above statement is reallly true I love being with the person I am involved with but I also do like being with my friends and just having my own time,besides most people don't like to be smothered,It is good to have your own friends and other interests as well,then when you do get together with him/her you enjoy eachother's company even more.

 

I think there might be more than one "one" in a person's life for instance

the many or not so many (depending on the person) love affairs in one's life that proves to me that there is not just one person in this world we can love or be compatable with..but I can see finding one individual and click so well on all levels that you do have a LTR with them and so that to me still says they are the "one" for the moment.

After all anytime we go into a relationship and we really like or truly love someone allot we do hope it is lasting,but we never really know.Are they the "one" for the moment? or are they someone that is like a soulmate that you can (hopefully) grow old with?

I don't really think any of us has a true answer to this question...

Time will tell..

[IrishGal26]

good advice, we just have to take what we have now.... there are some horrible men out there... i guess i should count myself lucky ... just to be contented is the main thing I suppose really ... its just hard to know .. i dont know how i am going to turn into a person who can make a decision or ever be happy

[Momene]

I know your problem but I don't know whether I'm indecisive or not.

[IrishGal26]

i am so indecisive its not funny - he knows what i am like and still stands by me - he knows how hot and cold i go and still stays with me , he is no angel at all but a good boyfriend - i suppose we have to appreciate the good things we have and not be so negative maybe

[Momene]

What made you decide that?

[IrishGal26]

ive had one previous relationship were he wasn't very good to me and the other well we just didn't get on really , so i suppose i have to relise when u have a good thing maybe be contented with it and stop looking for all the bad things in it -?! how does that sound ha !

[ImThatGirl]

As I read your post I noticed a couple of things:

1. You never said you loved him.

2. You often mention the positives like he's great to you, you like him, you like the same things, he accepts you as you are.

 

I think it is important to realize that sometimes, no matter how good someone is to us, we may not love them as in being with them for a lifetime. It seems as though you are trying to convince yourself that he is the one and that nobody will ever treat you better is part of your reasoning.

 

Indecisiveness - Something I deal with often. I really don't like making life altering decisions and can understand these worries a bit.

 

However, I've been with my boyfriend for only a short while now. I know some people will argue that a couple is in the "honeymoon stage" for a few months at first and everything seems great. Honeymoon stage or not, I know that he is the one I want to spend forever with. Our communication, our laughs, this indescribable feeling I have just knowing that he's in my life - a few reasons I "love" him and know that he's the one for me. For me, it's not a matter of choosing to love him. I just do - for so many reasons and can't imagine "not" loving him.

 

I also can't imagine being single at this point. If it happens, sure I'll get along. But after spending so much time with my boyfriend, I know that I want to be with him and do not miss being single at all.

 

Are you sure that you're ready for all this? Are you ready to settle down?

 

Hugs and prayers to you~~~~

[IrishGal26]

for your advice .

 

i know i might come accross like that , but honestly , i dont find it easy to say " love" and loving someone but I do love him and am not just saying that because u have pointed it out . And like you , my life would be completley different without him in it. He is my back bone. I am just not a very postive person I guess. I am learning that about myself . I care and love him alot and do see him as the Father of my children someday ( which is something i thought i would never want in life due to some circumstances ), but I am just always lately wondering are we meant for each other and I dont know why . I think it is becaues we are building a house and it is such a huge thing and I am afraid if things go wrong what would happen ... he is probably the best man I'll ever met . ..

[ImThatGirl]

That's good to hear. That you love him I mean and I hope one day admitting and saying you love him will be easier. I never thought I'd be one to express how I feel about someone openly but I am now.

 

It really seems like this is normal to me. I think if I were in your position, I'd analyze like crazy too. These are huge decisions that will shape your future.

 

Your mention about "stop looking for the bad things," are there really any bad things? Are there specific things that cause you worry?

 

I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to allow myself to over analyze or worry too much. I don't want to pass up good things due to over anxiousness.

[IrishGal26]

glad to hear you are happy and enjoying your relationship .... isn't love great ha ha!

what I mean the " bad things" is I mean I am always looking at what can go wrong, I always see the worst in things... we have our fights which i really don't like but dosen't everyone .... he is my best friend .. he knows everything about me ... i think i get scared when someone is so close i just try and push it all away .. if you understand what i mean ? i am so glad i joined this site ... its great talking to people like you and getting advice ...

 

so are you really happy with your new guy ?

[Batya33]

I think you will get infinite responses to your questions - those who will say "you just know" those who will say "if you have to wonder after ____ time then he is not" and others who will say it's a myth. here's the thing, for some it is easy because they "just know" but if you don't then your task is to actually make the decision rather than having the decision made because you are swept away on cloud nine. I know people who have been swept away, been sure, end up divorced and unhappy and vice versa. I recommend a wonderful book that is helping me with a similar issue called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills - it was published almost 20 years ago but it very insightful on this point. good luck!

 

also keep in mind that people come to "just knowing" differently - I have friends where they were so shocked to be proposed to by anyone "of course" they knew, one who "just knew" because she desperately wanted to have children and he fit the bill, and then there are those with doubts that they share with you but all of a sudden after the ring comes the wall goes up, you never hear about the doubts and they become "smug married" types who "always knew/just knew"

[Batya33]

I think it is great that you feel this way and I have heard many indecisive people say just this (including myself typically in shorter relationships like yours). With all due respect I don't think your "sureness" makes your decision that he is "the one" any more sound than someone who comes to it from a perspective of wondering and doubts and then taking the plunge. It makes it far easier for you because you are feeling so into him and in love, but it doesn't mean that in the long run your decision is any better or that you have even made a good decision just because you have this "sure" feeling. I have heard many times - I am sure you have too! - from people who felt so "sure" in the early stages until they spent the better part of a year - or less - with the person and realized that once some of the passion and newness/excitement faded there were flaws that were dealbreakers.

 

This is not to be negative as I know many people who were this sure who are now very happy (!!) - I just don't believe in a strong link between the "sure" feeling and the success of the marriage -

[IrishGal26]

thank you , that is a good response , you are right, everyone is different and it depends what you want from your partner, i guess you have to make the decision for yourself... but I do like getting advice as to what other people think... I am going to buy that book this weekend

thanks

[Batya33]

One more comment - someone mentioned that she doesn't have to choose love - she just does love him. I remember a religious figure (woman) said to me about ten years ago on that topic that one part of a healthy/successful relationship is knowing how to be giving even when you're not feeling loving (which at least to her is a normal part of any healthy relationship) - she used as an example getting your husband his favorite breakfast even on a morning when you feel like "why I am with this guy??"

 

See, that is what I think is a true accomplishment. I think it is lovely to be in love and feel love - but the hard part comes when that constant high fades and you have to be giving even though you might not be inspired to be. Sometimes just being giving at those times re-ignites the spark because you remember why you got together in the first place.

[IrishGal26]

a relationship is an investment and hard work and i guess you have to work together at it .. if it is worth it .. if you feel it is worth it well then you have to do everything to keep it alive... its only when you feel tired of trying ... maybe its time to think again..

there are alot of bad partners out there and it is hard to find someone who you can share things with .. so i suppose when you do you have to work through the rough and the smooth of it all .... maybe we are all reading into things too much ..

[valiantv]

I think you're putting way too much faith in this "The One" business... I mean there's 6,000 million people in the world and 4 million in the country, how can you possibly be sure that only one of those is "The One" you are "Meant To Be" with, and if there was only one, you would probably never meet them, because think of the odds that you'd bump into them!

 

In reality there is going to be someone who you really like or you love. This is a matter of circumstance - you met, got together and fell in love with him, not someone else. That's what makes him the one for you, not some all-powerful guiding force which has gone around assigning Ones to everyone.

 

Stop thinking about whether he is The One, and start thinking about enjoying the relationship!

[ImThatGirl]

Batya - Thank you for your post. I understand and agree with you. I know that a year from now, it's possible that I'll think "What was I thinking." I've been very careful about who I choose to date and I for some reason have this possibly over confident feeling that he is the one.

 

This morning, I am more aware than I have been, that this is all new. After posting earlier, I began to think about how "certain" I feel and how there's not been enough time for either one of us to really even begin starting to think about the future. . . . (Talk about anxiety.) lol

[ImThatGirl]

glad to hear you are happy and enjoying your relationship .... isn't love great ha ha!

what I mean the " bad things" is I mean I am always looking at what can go wrong, I always see the worst in things... we have our fights which i really don't like but dosen't everyone .... he is my best friend .. he knows everything about me ... i think i get scared when someone is so close i just try and push it all away .. if you understand what i mean ? i am so glad i joined this site ... its great talking to people like you and getting advice ...

 

so are you really happy with your new guy ?

 

 

Irish - That's my typical way too - to constantly think about what might go wrong and worry about if I make the right decisions.

 

For awhile, I haven't been allowing myself to do that. Then I worry that maybe I'm ignoring something or over looking something because I'm just going with the flow. And then I worry that maybe I'm too sure about everything and that's scarier than anything for me.

 

To answer your question, Yes - I'm extremely happy with him. He's just what I imagined but assumed I'd never find.

[Batya33]

Batya - Thank you for your post. I understand and agree with you. I know that a year from now, it's possible that I'll think "What was I thinking." I've been very careful about who I choose to date and I for some reason have this possibly over confident feeling that he is the one.

 

This morning, I am more aware than I have been, that this is all new. After posting earlier, I began to think about how "certain" I feel and how there's not been enough time for either one of us to really even begin starting to think about the future. . . . (Talk about anxiety.) lol

 

You sound like a very thoughtful and insightful person. Here's what I think - totally cherish and enjoy this "ride" - it's a lovely feeling - don't let me (lol) or anyone else taint that - what's the point. Look, you know you're not going to get engaged tomorrow or hopefully pregnant so just enjoy each other and keep that silly smile on your face!

 

I will say the last time I felt that intense/head over heels it lasted for about two months. At that point I could tell he wasn't going to be committing to me any time soon, so I gave it one more month (in my own mind). At the end of that month, he did something that showed me that he was truly an imbalanced, unstable person (and he admitted to me that was the case - he hadn't lied before, it's just part of getting to know someone). I knew I couldn't have a family with this man and I spoke to many friends and family all of whom said "run and run now." A

 

nd these were people who were totally rooting for us. I did - frankly I didn't need much convincing based on what I saw and experienced that day - and within a week or less while I had the lovely memories of those great feelings, I also realized that for me (and this is just me!) that "sure" feeling was largely based on newness, the excitement of the newness, his utter charm (and good looks, ok ;-)) etc. I had not been intimate with him because I was waiting for a commitment so that helped me get over him more quickly.

 

On the other hand as I mentioned I know many couples who just knew basically right off the bat and are very happy together. I hope you are one of them!

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you B - You are very insightful and I greatly appreciate your words of wisdom.

 

I too have been in relationships that ended with a jolt so to speak. One past relationship (2.5 years ago) the guy was Mr. Knight in Shining Armor. I cared very much for him and relied on him but knew that it wasn't going to last. I would not have spent the rest of my life on him.

 

After that, I only dated until recently. I knew I had to gain strength before dating seriously again. It was a good couple of years, evaluating myself, learning what I needed to do, learning about men and gaining insite on standards, signs, and questions to ask to learn more about them rather than jumping into a relationship quickly because of the "addiction" like feeling of infatuation and getting attention.

 

What I have now really is indescribable. I have always believed that if there are 2 people on the same page as far as relationships go, they could easily determine whether it's meant to be. I know that I can given there isn't any skeletons in the closet I guess. Something about what we have - like everything is "real." You know that new dating "mask" that alot of people wear? He doesn't have that. I don't have to have that. I can be me and I'm quite sure he can too. I am just going for the "ride." Hoping that the ride lasts a lifetime but knowing that if it doesn't work out (it better! I will pick up the pieces and continue on.