I want to get back together, should I call him?

[paulapalooza]

My bf broke up with me two weeks ago. We have only spoken once since then, and that was last friday when he came to pick up his things.

 

Since then, I've found myself sleepless, exhausted and wishing he would call me. I'm so tempted to call him to reconcile, but I'm unsure.

 

The reason he broke up with me is because he said that he couldn't commit to me the way I wanted him to and he doesn't know what he wants in life. Is it appropriate for me to phone him to try and work things out?

 

Help!

[annie24]

no. don't call.

 

if he can't commit to you, you don't want him. really, you don't! Don't settle for crumbs!

 

what did you guys talk about during the breakup? did you ask to work things out then?

[annie24]

OK - two books you need to go out and buy RIGHT NOW:

 

1) link removed

 

and

 

2) link removed

[paulapalooza]

Ugh! I don't know what to do.

 

During the break up he said he didn't know if he wanted to continue in the relationship, but when he picked up his stuff last Friday, he said he was sure. But then again, that same night, he said that he cared about me. I just feel so frusterated and hopeful. I just don't know if I can hold onto NC. I'm going crazy.

 

Today I went climbing with one of his friends, who coincidentally works with me. At the climbing gym, I ran into some other friends of his that mentioned that they saw him today. It just had me thinking of what he's doing now that he's not with me. Does he even miss me? Is he even thinking of me? Doesn't he care that I'm an absolute mess?

 

Maybe I'm just doing this to myself because he's friends with people that I work with, and I choose to hang out with them outside of work.

 

I just want him back.

 

He never treated me badly. He just wasn't available to me when I needed him. Ugh!

[melrich]

Saying you care about someone does not mean you want to be in a relationship with them. He seems to have made his wishes pretty clear to me.

 

What would you achieve by calling?

[annie24]

what is it that YOU want? cause I have to be honest with you, "I can't commit to you" means "I don't want you." I am sorry if that is harsh. he is telling you he will not give you what you want, so why sit around??? the relationship has hit a dead end.

 

I think you've done enough on your part, now it is time to look forward.

 

do you want to get married some day or have a stable long term relationship? if so, this guy isn't the right one.

 

seriously, go out and buy those books right now, and read them cover to cover.

[annie24]

The reason he broke up with me is because he said that he couldn't commit to me the way I wanted him to and he doesn't know what he wants in life.

 

ok, again, this will sound harsh, but when someone tells you "they don't know what they want", it typically means that they don't want you....

 

I am sure that you are a really awesome chick, have a lot going for you, I am sorry your ex doesn't see it that way.

 

NC is really your best friend, because you are forcing him to see what life really is like without you. This may make him come back to you, or it may not, but either way, it helps you move on.

[renaissancewoman101]

If they dont know what they want, dont stick around waiting to see if they can find out what they want. You might be stuck for a long time and at the end, he may STILL decide he doesnt want you. Been there, done that, with my ex best friend. Wasted 13 years of my life for him. Life goes on. You're still young.

 

There's lots of people out there. At least that's what they tell me.

 

Good luck!

[Jayar]

Awww.... I've just been there too. I second the recommended books. Last time I checked, "I don't want a relationship" still meant "I don't want a relationship"... It isn't guyspeak for "I really DO want a relationship, so call me to remind me how much I want to be with you." Sorry! I wish it did too, cuz then I wouldn't have so many posts in the break-up forum.

 

When he said he can't commit to you the way you want, it was actually very NICE of him. A lot of girls (myself included) get led on by guys who they THINK are committing to them the way they want, even when the guy knows full well he isn't.

 

NC is the way to go. And then, if he ever does come back, by the time he does you may not even want him. Don't call him though. It does nothing but upsets you and frustrates him. He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. Do you REALLY want to hear it all over again?

[annie24]

He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. Do you REALLY want to hear it all over again?

 

yeah, like a friend of mine used to say, 'don't call the person who just ripped your heart out and stomped all over it!"

[paulapalooza]

Thanks for all the input. There's no offense taken for being harsh. I sometimes need a wake up call.

 

This break up is just difficult for me because we were friends for 8 years first. Not talking to him is killing me inside. I'm just bummed out. I can't sleep. This morning I woke up thinking I was going to throw up. It's only been a week. I can't take it anymore.

[paulapalooza]

It's also difficult to comprehend that he may not want to get back together with me. I read on these forums that there are plenty of guys that make rash decisions and teeter back and forth over their decisions. I know it's possible that may be the same in my case, then again, it may not be. I just hate the fact that I don't know.

 

Calling him would probably not give me the validation I want. I know this. I just hate the fact that I can't talk to him. I miss being held. I miss his eyes. I miss everything about him.

[annie24]

hey - it's ok - we have all been there. it is really hard, those first few weeks. I know that the books seem harsh, but for whatever reason, they have been a comfort after a breakup. Greg Behrendt really is the big brother we all should have (either in our heads or our lives) who is saying, "you are awesome! don't settle for less or a stupid guy who doesn't know what he wants!"

[renaissancewoman101]

Go out and do something to keep yourself from thinking about the breakup. Spoil yourself, hang out with your friends. Take care of yourself. Exercise.

[annie24]

It's also difficult to comprehend that he may not want to get back together with me. I read on these forums that there are plenty of guys that make rash decisions and teeter back and forth over their decisions. I know it's possible that may be the same in my case, then again, it may not be. I just hate the fact that I don't know.

 

Calling him would probably not give me the validation I want. I know this. I just hate the fact that I can't talk to him. I miss being held. I miss his eyes. I miss everything about him.

 

well... he may or may not come back.... the thing is now, it is all about where his head is at, and there's nothing you can do to change his mind. he has to come to the conclusion himself that he can't live without you. and this is where NC comes in, you are forcing him to see if he can live without you. if he can, you don't want him. if he can't, he'll contact you.

 

in the meantime, your job is now to focus on healing.

[Jayar]

Sometimes harsh is what you need. Don't worry... It gets better! Instead of focusing on what you miss about him, focus on the GREAT things about being single, and what a catch you are. For instance, on some level, isn't it nice not to have to worry about the stresses of a relationship? It occurred to me today out of the blue that I'm HAPPIER than a lot of my friends in relationships (it's been two months broken up for me) because I know I'm not being cheated on, led on, used, neglected, or otherwise abused (in the emotional sense of the word)... There has got to be some relief that comes with that!

 

And while a lot of people say "treasure the good memories and move on" I personally find those ideas mutually exclusive of one another. I've had more success remembering the things I DON'T miss about being with my ex, and healing faster that way. There's time for remembering the good times when you've completely moved on.

[annie24]

yup! lots of good things about being single.

 

you don't have to shave your legs, don't have to sit through another one of his stupid movies. you can watch what YOU want on TV. you don't have someone hogging all the covers, you can go ahead and not do any dishes, and no one will tell you to clean up! you don't have to watch any of his horrible habits (my ex used to crack his neck at the dinner table, even in nice restaurants!!!)

[paulapalooza]

How do you guys do it? You're all so strong and you guys seem so sure of yourselves.

 

For the most part, I've been trying to follow everyone's advice on this forum...especially about NC. It's just days like today when I need that "extra kick in the pants" when I feel like calling him.

 

How have you guys managed not to call your ex's for two months + ?

[paulapalooza]

I've tried working out every day, but with this stress, I just seem to be losing a lot of weight...and fast. I'm buring myself out.

[annie24]

you know, a couple of things keep me from calling any exes. first, i dated this guy back when i was 18, for maybe only 2 months or so, but it took me years to get over him, as we kept being friends and I never gave my feelings a chance to fade. it sucked!

 

The perfect plan

 

if you haven't read this thread already, do so! he didn't wind up getting his ex back, but I think his plan is good.

 

One of the last things I told my last ex was, "don't call me unless you want to get back together again." i never heard from him, thereforeeee, he does not want me back! i just made it really clear to him what I wanted and it left no grey area for me. call = you want me back, no call = you don't want me back. no mixed messages to read.

 

and just other experiences with exes.... why would I want to call someone who... like I said before.... just stomped all over your heart? yuck! there are so many better people to call.... old college friends, girlfriends, random people. CALLING ANYONE is better than calling the ex. the potential to get hurt by whatever they say next is too much.

 

and I've always gotten a lot of support from people on enotalone. I've been a member here for 2 years, and everyone's really helped me through each of my ridiculous relationships.

[paulapalooza]

I've read the perfect plan. It really is a good post. I just feel so hopeful. Like I said, I'm trying to follow everything to a T, it's just hard to do.

 

I too have had heartbreak before. The last guy (before the one that I'm hurting over now) treated me like a royal S O B. He cheated on me, he yelled at me, he disrespected me in front of my friends (and his). It was so easy getting over him because I knew that I could do better; I deserved better. I didn't respect him. It's just with my current ex, things were different. He never treated me with disrespect, and he was always honest with me. I still love him. I respect him. I think he's intelligent, smart, motivated. He has the qualities that I would want in a husband, except one: commitment. I'm just scared that I won't find it again.

[annie24]

you will - you are young. look at it this way - your last relationship was a vast improvement over the one before it, so the next one will be another improvement!

[paulapalooza]

You're right. I know there is one person out there that is right for me. I just hate the thought of being alone until then.

 

Thanks again Annie for your help. It was just the wake up call I needed. I'm not going to call him. And if I ever feel like I will, I'll be back on this forum to hash it out.

[annie24]

no problem, we are always here for you!

[Blane151211]

My ex also broke up with me 3weeks ago. Just like your ex, my ex has always been nice to me. Always attentive when were together, sweet, caring and we would have lots of fun every time. Most of the time, I also feel like I am going crazy and I just can't stand missing him anymore. I miss everything about him especially him smiling back at me. Just hearing his voice on the other line lifts up my mood. However, when were together, I have to put up with his 101 excuses... he's a single dad with twins (they're barely 2yrs old). Because of his situation, he was the one calling the shots... he controlled the relationship.

Everything in our relationship were doing good. Eventhough he was the one controlling it, I was too passive and gave all my best to understand him just to make it work and last. Until one day, he picked up a huge fight with me with no reason at all. Surprisingly, he throw a lot of hurtful words at me... blamed me for the failing relationship... and told me, "I am not even sure of my feelings about you...". I should have ended the relationship right then and there... but I hanged on and let him have his space. I found out though that I can only take so much... no matter how I want to understand him during his "I need my space" time, I realized I couldn't take it anymore. I texted him, he got pissed and so, he broke up with me. I tried to reconcile a few days ago. Left him text messages and even left him a voicemail. He didn't bother to call or text me. I was so devastated... then I found this website. I feel so blessed that I found enotalone.com and all the great members in this site. Now, everytime I feel so weak and wanted to call and once again beg my ex to come back to me, even in the middle of the night, I would logged on to this site and read the forum... it gives me the strength that I need. I've been NC for about 3days now and with the help of the people here in enotalone, I am sticking to being NC with my ex. Although I must admit, IT IS SO HARD TO GO NC!!! Thanks to this website and to all members... it gives me the courage to stick to being NC.