ycmanvs Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 we saw eachother for the long weekend. we did not fight at all because we almost never fight about anything....we spoke on the phone on monday because i called him to say HI when i got off work. there is a party on friday that our mutual friends are throwing. i have no idea if he is going or not. i'd like to call and find out but i am sick of being the only one that puts any effort into the relationship...so i am waiting to see when/if he decides to call me. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 I am sorry that is tough. So, if you dont put any effort into the relationship then it doesnt really work? I stopped putting effort into mine, and I guess I can see what happened. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 well, i guess my point is that it takes 2 people to work at it...if only one of us is trying to make it work and the other does NOTHING then one of us will be unhappy...or both...if i try, i get accused of being too needy and controlling...if i don't, he assumes i want to break up...i can't win either way... Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Yeah i totally understand. If I dont put an effort into the relationship sexual or emotional, I am told that I am boring. If I start making plans and calling him, then he says I am bothering him. It also matters what mood he is in. He can be so up and down, I cant keep up with him. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 yes...exactly...it sounds like we are dating the same person....(just kidding)...i just wonder if anyone else has had to deal with people like this and if they were able to work things out, or did they just give up? i have a feeling that we are not the problem. we are attracted to people who have emotional problems. i do not know too many women who would put up with that kind of behaviour. i am also wondering what happened to the relationship? when we first started seeing eachother, he would call me and email me almost every day. now, two and a half years later, he can go days without talking to me...i just don't get it. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Yeah my friends think I am crazy for putting up with him. My bf is a really good person most of the time, it just seems like when things go bad he takes it out on me b/c I am there. Not fair. I think the chase is half the fun, so when that stops, they might get bored. My bf wouldnt leave me alone when we first started dating. These guys definitely do not deserve us. We deserve to be with people who treat us like queens. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 i still have not heard from him. i am sure he does not even realize that i haven't called. i wonder if by tomorrow i will get a call. there is a party tomorrow night and i have a feeling he will want to go and be "social". i agree that we deserve better and it is really up to us to just let go. i just don't think that i'll be doing it any time soon. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I know why is it so hard? We always talk before we go to sleep, to say goodnight. He called me around 1230 or so, and I was sleeping already, so we spoke really briefly. Then we started texting about how much we miss cuddling with each other...it makes me sad. I am trying really hard not to see him. Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 "I know why is it so hard?" I believe breaking up is hard for several reasons. The number one reason is breaking that comfortzone. True, the other person does not treat his/her partner the best but he/she is familiar, he/she knows the other quite well, one gets comfortable. Humans are creatures of habit, so in that sense, it is hard to part from what we know. But we all know that saying, familiarity breeds comtempt. Another reason why breaking up is hard is because of the fear of being alone or the person may be afraid he/she will not find another person to be with so he/she just sticks with he/she knows. So he/she SETTLES!! A third reason could be guilt, fear, or feeling obligated. Many people on this site are petrified of hurting the other, or feel guilty for having such thoughts...enough so that it deters he/she from doing the right thing. Some people feel obligted to stay, for whatever reason, such as sharing a lease, car, children, whatever the reason may be, there maybe a sense of obligation to the relationship. And finally, I think hope is another reason why breakups are hard. No matter how many talks the couple has had, how many fights, how many breaks or break-ups, there is always that glimmer of hope that maybe this time will be different, maybe things will shape up. I have noticed it is easy for us to do was is right for others or be there for others but when it comes to ourselves and being there for ourselves and doing the right thing, it is like pulling teeth. Life is too short to be miserable, to be angry, be frustrated. There is so much out there, it is our responsibilty to find it. I broke up with my ex of 4 years last December and yes, it was hard. It hurt. But I was miserable for too long. It was time to go. If I did not leave my ex when I did, I would have never met my current boyfriend, whom is truly an angel and whom I treasure very much. Settling and staying in miserable situations can really hold a person back. 1 Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 unfortunately, things are not that black and white. my boyfriend has not called, but that does not mean that he is breaking up with me...since i've always been the one that call him first....he never has a chance to miss me....usually after a few days of no contact....he always calls and wants to see me... however, i would prefer to hear from him every day. it sounds like bigheart09 hears from her boyfriend every day, yet she still feels like the relationship could be over... unless, we can communicate with our significant others about our wants, needs, expectations, etc....i do not think we should assume anything...the ONLY thing we know for sure....is how we feel...the only thing we have any control over is our own actions. Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 ycmanvs, Are you referring to my last post? Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 That is what is so hard about my situation. We are used to speaking 4 or 5 times in one day. We were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week before we went on a break. That is what makes this break up so hard, because we got used to each other. ycmanvs, I think you need hold out as long as you can, and dont call him. See what he says when you do speak. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 i was talking about both posts. when i decide to break up with someone, the decision is final...i NEVER look back....i am still very good friends with most of my exes...the problem with my current relationship is that i am getting very mixed messages from my boyfriend....one day, he adores me...the next...he ignores me....his moods are very inconsistent, as is his behavior towards me...i have no idea if i should break up with him because i don't know where we stand... i love him very much and i know that things could work out for us if we both worked on the relationship....i just have no idea if that is what he wants. the problem is that he does not know what he wants...from life....from relationships...etc... i am a very patient person, so i have been waiting...however, i am starting to lose it. Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I was not saying to break up with him or that you are breaking up with him, I was answering of WHY it could be hard to break up with someone. And the fact that is pointless to stay in miserable situations and settle for less than we think we deserve. "i know that things could work out for us if we both worked on the relationship....i just have no idea if that is what he wants" Perhaps you are in love with what COULD be and not WHAT is. Haven't you both talked about this over and over? Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 actually, we have talked about it....but to me actions speak louder than words...so i am waiting for some action Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 this is strange. one of my boyfriend's friends from work just reminded me of a party next week, assuming that my boyfriend has already invited me.... well, of course my boyfriend still has not contacted me, so i thanked the friend for the invitation... this next week should be quite interesting. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I am really trying to move on and not think about him, but he keeps calling to chat or talk. All I want to do is see him, but I am being really good. I dont know why he isnt as hurt or sad as I am. Also, I told him I dont want to be friends, and I think he might be trying to go down that path. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 here's what you can do. tell him that you are not ready to have a friendship with him. you need time apart to heal and be on your own. do not return his calls and do not make plans with him. do this only if you really think that things are over and you do not want to continue the relationship. it will be very difficult but it does work. after a couple of months you will feel great and ready to date other guys. my situation is turning out to be more confusing than i thought. i left a message for my bf last night but he never called back, even though he told his mother (who is visiting) to tell me that he'd call me later....anyway, since i know that he is addicted to gaming and was online playing at the time, i am not taking it personally because it is the addiction and not me...however, i have to decide if i am willing to go on in a relationship with an addict. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 How long does he play games for? My boyfriend in college used to play computer games all the time, it was really annoying. I cant imagine having to compete with that. Does he know he has a problem? Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 well...i texted him today...he answered that he'd like to go to the party...then i tried calling but he would not pick up because he was gaming....he spends all his free time doing that when he is not at work....he is addicted....i need to deal with him as if he is a drug addict.... Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Doesnt he have to work during the day? Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 he is on vacation this week and instead of going away like normal people, he's been at home in front of the computer all week....that's why he is ignoring me....not because he wants to break up....so that's my problem....i have to compete with a stupid game....not reality....or another person....just a whole bunch of online gamers.... Link to comment
kellbell Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 .i have to compete with a stupid game....not reality....or another person....just a whole bunch of online gamers.... You don't HAVE to put up or compete with anything if YOU don't want to. You deserve more than this. Why are you settling? I am not trying to be mean but I just hate to see people get hurt and settle for less than they deserve. He should be spending some of his vacation with you, doing special things, keeping bond strong, no gaming 24/7. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 just because logically i should break up with him, does not mean that emotionally i feel like breaking up with him. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 just because logically i should break up with him, does not mean that emotionally i feel like breaking up with him. I think that is what we all have problems with. I know that logically I cannot be with my bf, but emotionally I miss him. You will know when you have had enough. I know that I have put in 200% effort into my relationship and that I did all I could do. I am tired of trying to fix things right now. Link to comment
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