Who am I?

[ktregjf]

So there's been this thought in my head for a long time that I'm a lesbian. It's something I ignored through high school. People always asked why I never dated guys, I just responded with, "I don't really want to right now." I never really put two and two together until I hit college. Everyone back home used to ask me if I was, I just said no, that was that.

 

Now I'm jumping back and forth with the idea I am or I'm not. Part of me is attracted to women physcially and everything, but I'm scared to death of anything. The main reason I've thought I'm gay is my attraction to two women through highschool, they were the first times I had a crush, I never felt like that about a guy.

 

I've always had an issue with intimacy, even with guys, maybe that's because it was guys and I never got off... Who knows. I'm nervous about how to get out there, I don't want to meet a girl and somehow realize I'm wrong and mess with her emotions. I don't want to do this and realize I'm wrong, then I just look flushy. I guess my general question is, how did you come out to yourself, was anyone else this unsure? I just need some advice or something to realize who I am...

[ultraviolet]

Your hesitation is understandable. My best friend came out to me during college, but only after taking the time to find and get comfortable with her sexual identity at her university. What helped her was joining lesbian/gay organizations on campus and making friends. (She went so far as to sleep with a guy friend to see if she felt differently, but I don't recommend that.) She eventually met a girl that she couldn't get out of her mind and they started dating. Don't force things, don't worry about labels... just be open. When it's right, you'll know.

[lil_kaila]

You don't have to feel weird or dumb for not knowing yet. Some people have known since they were 10, for others it takes a little bit longer. I'm almost 23 right now and I don't know yet either whether I'm gay or not. That used to bother me, and it has taken me some time but now I'm okay with the fact that I don't know yet.

 

Of course I think about it alot and it can be very confusing, especially when everyone else wants to know what you are too but you don't know the answer yourself.

 

But I think that if you put too much emphasis on finding out, and if you worry about it 24/7 it will only make it worse. You won't be able to separate your thought anymore... memories... attractions... fears... crushes... sex... relationships.... you won't know what is real anymore and it will become one big blurry web of thoughts.

 

So my advice is to become comfortable with the idea of not knowing, and possibly being gay, first. Don't worry about it too much... and I know this sounds cliche but just go with the flow.

 

Also, it seems like maybe you have issues that aren't related to your sexual orientation. You don't like guys, and don't want to be intimate with them but you are also scared of women. So is this the result of self-loathing / internal homophobia or are there other things that could've caused you to have a problem with intimacy.

 

If I think really black and whit here for a moment it seems like there are three options:

1. You have a problem with intimacy. thereforeeee you aren't with men. thereforeeee you think you might be gay.

2. You are gay. thereforeeee you aren't with men and don't like to be intimate with them. But you don't like the idea of being gay and thereforeeee you aren't intimate with women either.

3. You have a problem with intamacy. And you happen to be gay. thereforeeee you have issues with women (and with men because you are not attracted to them)

 

But of course this is just an oversimplification of real life. There could be so much more that I can't get out of your post and of course you could also be bisexual.

 

So yeah, just think about why you have a problem with intimacy and don't worry about the gay thing too much. I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually.

[buddafleye]

I went through all of high school without dating any guys. All of my friends were interested in kissing, sex, etc, but for me I just didn't care. I think it was at that point I knew there was something different about me. I wasn't even attracted to girls... I just didn't think of people in that way. Then at the end of my final year of high school, I developed a MASSIVE crush on one of my female teachers. I emailed her and we continued to correspond after I graduated. Nothing much ever came of it except a good friendship, but she was the first person I ever thought about or wanted to be "intimate" with. Not to have sex with, but just to hold and kiss.

 

After that I started to seriously question my sexuality. Why didn't I feel the same way about guys as I did for this one teacher? Through my first year of college I started to notice guys. I went out with a couple guys, but I still didn't see the big deal in dating. I wondered if I was just with the wrong guys. I had this one boyfriend... he always wanted to be touching me and kissing me and the thought of that made me want to throw up. I had physical reactions against being near him. hahah. I tried to learn to like kissing him, but it was just gross.

 

Still, I occasionally felt sexually towards guys, so I couldn't tell if I was a lesbian or not.

 

Then this past summer I think I may have learned the answer to all my questions. The place I worked at, which I won't name, has a high concentration of men. Almost ALL of the men, as I was told, had a crush on me. But, I had no interest in being with any of them. In fact, I went out of my way to give them all the cold shoulder, just so they'd know and back off.. hahah.

At the end of the summer I began to notice this woman that worked in the same area, but a different department. She was in my area one day and I felt her looking at me from accross the room. When I looked up, we caught each other's eye and I must have turned about 500 shades of red. From that day on, even knowing she was within 50 feet of me made my heart beat out of my chest. She was sooo beautiful and she smelled sooo good. I'd never felt this way about anyone and I soon realized that what I was experiencing was a "crush". Long story short, I believe the feelings were mutual and we played cat and mouse games until finally I had to leave to start school again. I still regret not telling her how I felt...

 

But that aside, what I'm getting at here is that it might take awhile (I'm 21), but you'll know it when you feel it. I didn't understand what really liking someone meant until this summer, so now it's got me questioning my sexuality all over again. I've never felt like I wanted to be intimate with ANYONE, until this one girl.

[ktregjf]

I was exactly the same way, never had any desire to be with guys... and I do hit a point where it disgusts me.

 

I've had 1 intense female crush, and a couple other little ones. Those feelings sparked the whole idea I could be lesbian because I never felt feelings that intense for a guy...