Sex Addiction

[MR C]

Can anyone help me with some words of advice?

 

I always lead a sheltered life as regards sex as i was very very shy in my teens and early 20's, when i was 20 a friend introduced me to massage parlours which like most red blooded 20 years olds i though 'this is great'

 

Bascially 12 years later i still go to them. My sex life is quite boring with my wife whom i love dearly, but i cant stop going to the parlours, the sex is walways protected, and recent tests have shown me clear of sti's but the guilt is tearing me apart, I hate myself. Im a slave to my sex drive and I feel totally out of control.

 

I go to a aprlour probabaly 3 times a month and i cry every time after, yet I still go and go again, ijust dont know what to do.

[Closure]

You know that jumping off a cliff isn't good so you don't do it.

 

Same principle with the massage parlour's I believe.

 

I'd argue that most 20 year old's don't think massage parlours are 'great'. I've never been to one and i'm 29 and don't know of anyone who would admit to it.

 

Can't you work on improving your sex at home and thereforeeee filling your needs without the lies and deceit?

 

If your wife is on here next week because she found out about all of this could you imagine the names you'd be called? Think about that when you do this again.

 

You are a good man and you know what you're doing is wrong in your eyes.

 

Strength is the key.

[southerngirl]

So I take it that a massage parlour is a code word for a prostitution house or brothel?

 

WOW. I never knew that. In the usa, if I say Im going to a massage parlour, it means im going to get a massage, which there shouldnt be anything wrong with.

 

As for how you 'cant stop going' and you are thinking you shouldnt be going. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about it, about breaking the cycle.

 

Its probally just like an alchoholic or drug addict, your going to have to stop cold turkey and not go even one time ever again. This may be hard to do.

 

If your not happy in your marriage, I would ask you, what are you doing to improve it? Certainly going out and having sex with prostitutes isnt helping you at home.

 

You get but one life my friend. This is not a test drive, but your only chance. If you are that unhappy chances are she is too. Why not free her to find someone that will be faithful to her and cherish her as it should be in a healthy relationship?

[texami]

MR C... thanks for sharing that. it's brave to take the step to figure this out and help yourself.

 

i have to respectuflly disagree with Closure, however. the addiction part of it is as real as an addiction to drugs or gambling, which are treatable (although difficult) situations. MR C knows it is wrong, that is evident, and i don't think it is as easy to stop as "strength". there are tools out there (sex addict groups, therapists who specialize, etc.) for you to help you get control and stop the behavior that you wish to address. saying that "strength" is all you need is like telling someone to lift a heavy object, but telling them "don't use that forklift, though". there's nothing wrong with getting help to address your specific problem. you see it as a problem, you want to stop, but you are addicted... so treat that aspect of it with what's available out there.

 

i deal with addiction in my husband, and he is just like you in that he cries, hates himself, etc. afterward, but then later there are triggers that stress him out and make him go back to the behavior. he worked on it in therapy and found out what his triggers were, learned to deal with the pattern and avoid the behavior.

 

best of luck!

[Closure]

Whilst I fully understand and see your point of view it's good that we see it differently.

 

You see, i'm British, you're American and it's great that we have different ideas. You have thearpy and support groups and let's have a hug groups and I think that's fantastic in itself. I have a cynicism that says none of these things work, the only thing that breaks an addiction is the person wanting to break it, not someone else telling them they need to break it.

 

If you want to do something you don't, in my opinion at least, need ten people to tell you not to do it. You need one, you. Nothing else matters.

 

As I said, I respect your view point.

[texami]

Closure... ditto. Different opinions and experiences are what we come here for.

 

I come from an angle with an adict in my life for the past 20-ish years. There are physiological things that go on with addiction, and it doesn't have to be an "introduced" chemical causing it like drugs or nicotine. Brain chemistry is complicated, and often it is part of an adict's personality. My point was to address some of those issues to help MR C achieve his goal of changing his behavior.

 

As for your opinion of "hug groups" and the like... may I ask what you are doing at eNotAlone, then???

[MR C]

Yeah of course your right, ive thought of that a million times, but were just really good together in every other way, ive often thought of setting her free so to speak, its the least i could do.

 

Its crazy but ive never spoken to anyone about this ever, and now after finding this site and two people telling me it like it is, makes fee think what an idiot, pull it together man! Right now i feel like ill never go again, this is a strange feeling.

 

Sex has always had like a stigma for me, to be honest i was abused when younger and i never told anyone about that ( * * * *!!!!!! the floodgates are opening now!), ., erm but ive never really blamed that , oh i dont know. My life has always had some sex related drama or something that has to be bigger than the rest of life issues but maybe now its time to change.

 

* * * * it, i dont know i justed wanted a rant and to talk, thanks for your replys your all top people.

[Closure]

All i've said is the only person that can change an addict is the addict.

 

It doesn't matter how many classes or talks the addict has it just comes down to not doing something and only they can control it.

 

If I offer one person good advice thats enough for me to be here isn't it?

 

 

 

Closure... ditto. Different opinions and experiences are what we come here for.

 

I come from an angle with an adict in my life for the past 20-ish years. There are physiological things that go on with addiction, and it doesn't have to be an "introduced" chemical causing it like drugs or nicotine. Brain chemistry is complicated, and often it is part of an adict's personality. My point was to address some of those issues to help MR C achieve his goal of changing his behavior.

 

As for your opinion of "hug groups" and the like... may I ask what you are doing at eNotAlone, then???

[Closure]

You are not an idiot, you're an addict.

 

You control this chap, you.

 

Chin up

[southerngirl]

*HUGGGS* TO Closure image removed Sorry couldnt help it.

 

Yes, I agree that what the OP seems to be facing is an addiction where a trained professional may be needed to help.

 

If you try to stop and simply cant find a way to do it. Key here that you feel guilty later and upset that you did it, yet go to do it again..... those are signs of addictive behavior.

 

As I said before, your saddness in your marriage and unhappiness with homelife is not going to get any better with you doing this. its going to just get worse. Does she know what you are doing 3 times a month?

[southerngirl]

YOu are not an idiot! YOu have come here looking for help and support and I hope you keep coming back!

 

The first step is that you know what your doing is something that you want to stop. You are going to have to be strong to stop doing this. You.

 

YOu say you were abused when you were younger, was it sexual abuse?

This may have alot to do with it.

 

Sex has always had like a stigma for me, to be honest i was abused when younger and i never told anyone about that ( * * * *!!!!!! the floodgates are opening now!), ., erm but ive never really blamed that , oh i dont know. My life has always had some sex related drama or something that has to be bigger than the rest of life issues but maybe now its time to change.

[/Quote]

[MR C]

i deal with addiction in my husband, and he is just like you in that he cries, hates himself, etc. afterward, but then later there are triggers that stress him out and make him go back to the behavior

 

Wow that it,. thats exactkly what happens with me, whne things go well in my life I dont go to the parlours but if something bad happens, It how i cope with the pain, it amazing you say that.

 

Somehting bad happened last month and i went to a aprlour as i drove there i rememebr thinking I dont want to do this, its dirty its wrong, and i wasnt even horny! but i couldnt stop, I even felt like crying as i had sex with the girl, It was awful.

[Closure]

*HUGGGS* TO Closure image removed Sorry couldnt help it.

 

Does she know what you are doing 3 times a month?

 

Hopefully not what he's been doing but with the milkman

 

Rasta man for you missy

 

Why did you hug me lol?

[MR C]

YOu are not an idiot! YOu have come here looking for help and support and I hope you keep coming back!

 

The first step is that you know what your doing is something that you want to stop. You are going to have to be strong to stop doing this. You.

 

YOu say you were abused when you were younger, was it sexual abuse?

This may have alot to do with it.

 

YOu say you were abused when you were younger, was it sexual abuse?

This may have alot to do with it.

 

Yes my babysitter i was about 6 or 7.

[BornToResist]

I agree with all the above posters, and I think it's great that you realized your problem and are willing to take the steps to change it and save your marraige. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

I just quickly wanted to address this:

 

So I take it that a massage parlour is a code word for a prostitution house or brothel?

 

WOW. I never knew that. In the usa, if I say Im going to a massage parlour, it means im going to get a massage, which there shouldnt be anything wrong with.

 

I live in the USA too, and let me tell you, these things are everywhere. I live in a very stuck-up type town with low crime rates and all the crap, but these things are still hidden around. You have to just know where to look. It was kind of strange to me once someone pointed it out and it made me re-evaluate things. You never know what's right around the corner...

[MR C]

What ive always found starnge is that on the occasions where i gone out with my friends (ie not with my wife) ive had many opportunities for affairs but havent done it, and i can resist that temptaition and thats the starnge thing.

 

Earlier this year me and my friend went to watch Oasis in concert and stayed over in a hotel we met up with some people and a girls id never met before was all over me and wanted me to go bacjk to her room with her, im not going to say i wasnt really really tempted cos i was but i didnt, then ~i go and do this, and in all honesty the sleaziness etc of parlours does niot turn me on, its the closeness and the passion and the connection sexually that I crave and parlours doesnt give this to me.

[southerngirl]

Okay. Seriously you were molested. This is something you did not ever deal with.

 

What you are doing now could very welll be a part of that. Many have come here to enotalone that have been though similar things. you are not alone and you will not be judged here.

 

If you have never talked about this, this website is a good place to start. You are anonymous here and that will allow you to talk of this freely.

 

I really do suggest you find a good therapist. If your not comfortable with the first one you try, try another, and another. I have heard that sometimes it can take years of help to work though something but you can do it and when you are past this you will be free finally from this abuse.

 

Check out teh ABuse/Violence section of the forum you will see that many many of us have been in your shoes.

 

I was raped as a young teen. Ive also been abused physically and emotionally. I am seeing a psychologist now although my walk has just begun. I am hoping it will help me, maybe it can help you too.

[texami]

Wow that it,. thats exactkly what happens with me, whne things go well in my life I dont go to the parlours but if something bad happens, It how i cope with the pain, it amazing you say that.

 

Somehting bad happened last month and i went to a aprlour as i drove there i rememebr thinking I dont want to do this, its dirty its wrong, and i wasnt even horny! but i couldnt stop, I even felt like crying as i had sex with the girl, It was awful.

 

 

MR C... I'm glad you recognize that part! My husband was really surprised to learn that aspect of it... that we could pretty much predict when he was going to stress out and do the behavior. It also helped me in counselling to learn what things made him feel that way. Part of it was me, so I could try to avoid doing things that set him off. (That sounds like I'm taking the blame somewhat, and I'm not. But things that surround us have effcts on us, and so I was glad to have the knowledge to try to NOT be part of the problem.)

 

Your admitting the abuse, too, looks like you really want to finally put this all behind you. If you never dealt with those feelings, they need to come out. I'm the queen of stuffing emotions, but holy crap do they come out in weird ways when you don't let them out!!!!

[MR C]

All i've said is the only person that can change an addict is the addict.

 

It doesn't matter how many classes or talks the addict has it just comes down to not doing something and only they can control it.

 

If I offer one person good advice thats enough for me to be here isn't it?

 

 

Yes it is and i appreciate what you sdaid thanks man.

 

Youre right too about the bruitsh perception of things etc , im british too you see.

[MR C]

Thanks to everyone, i feel like ive found anew set of friends or something, gott ago now but ill be back, your * * * *ing amazing people, all of you.

[Carl5000]

As you've been going for such a long time, its obviously a bad habit a bit like smoking. Where its almost instinctive and without too much thought. If you really focus for a month or two and put 100% into quitting the urges should wear off eventually i'd imagine.

 

Or perhaps focusing on the guilt and pain after your been, each time you get the urge to visit the parlour or putting the money you save to one side and treating urself.]

 

You have to really want to quit though, just take one day at a time. A therapist is a good idea as mentioned through the NHS to assist you.

 

good luck

[MR C]

Just to say after yesterdays appreciated views and advice, and after having slept on it, feeling better and more confident about beating this. Amazing how some outside views and opinions made me start to break away for the 'routine' and habit ive giot myself into.

 

Ive decided im not going to tell my wife about it, yes partly cos im scared to, cos it will surely split us up, but i just want to move past it all forget it and move on and be happy.

 

Although this may sound shallow to you but im also looking forward to having more money as this was starting to eat up my income! were moving home at the moment and this must signal for me a new start, a clean slate as they say.

 

It may be a slightly cowardly step im taking but ive lost too many years of happiness in my life to these sex issues, im not losing my wife too.

[southerngirl]

Good luck with this! If you find you cnt stop after trying then you should look into more treatment for help with stopping.

 

Telling your wife or not is completely up to you. If you did tell her it would hurt her and probally lose any trust there was for a long time coming if she even stayed with you. What a tough decision.

[sadwifey]

can anyone help me? i just found out about my husband's addiction, does it really not matter who they are?