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I'm upset, again.

 

No, actually I'm just really hurting.

 

Rape really does change a person's life.

 

I've been focusing on school right now but I don't even know why.

I mean I'm working through rape right now.

How am I really supposed to deal.

 

I feel inconsoable (spelling?) right now.

 

My boyfriend is sleeping, my cats are doing their own thing, and I'm just hurting.

 

I don't feel good about me at all.

I can't stop the unpleasant feelings I have within.

 

I'm afraid my boyfriend will eventually become ashamed of me. Maybe even unhappy with me.

I know that's not his nature, but I'm not seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel" right now.

 

I'm so sad.

 

I don't know what to do. Eating doesn't help. Not eating doesn't help.

I'm tired of taking this sleep medicine because I don't wake up until 1 or 3 in the afternoon.

 

I'm just tired.

I'm more than tired.

 

I feel damaged.

 

Really badly. I don't want to finish school.

I don't want to have to think about school and all that comes with it.

 

It wouldn't matter if I went to a really large school. But I go to a small school in a small town (lots of gossip).

 

I don't know.

 

I hate that place.

I've most most of my worst experiences in life at that college.

 

Why does everyone want me to finish from there? I hate it.

It sucks.

 

What can I do?

I've had thoughts of smashing my head into a mirror, or walking on broken glass.

I mean anything to alliveate (spelling?) this inner pain.

 

How can anybody stand life like this? Constant aching.

How are you suppose to ignore that?

 

And there seems to be nothing that I can do.

 

But muddle through it I guess.

 

I'm hurt beyond........

 

I just want someone to make it go away.

 

I don't want to go home and I don't want to stay here.

 

It alllll sucks!!!!

 

I don't want to be a bum either. I don't want to be useless, just hanging around.

 

I hate school!!!

 

Not work, not learning, I hate my school, the school I go to.

I just hate it.

 

I don't think I'm bitter, but I definitely think I'm uncomfortable and unhappy.

 

I don't think my parents can understand.

 

Definitely not my mother.

All she wants is for me to get my degree.

But I'm not there yet.

I can't even get pass what happened to me.

How can I even begin to take that next step?

 

I don't feel like a human being anymore.

 

I just want the pain to subside. At the same time I want to scream.

I just don't belong.

I don't belong here.

 

I've tried just so hard to make it in this world.

 

I'm sick of it all.

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Well the nasty thing about life is that you HAVE to go thru it,wether you want it or not. You know rape messes up your emotional life, and the real world goes on,your rapist moves on and leaves you to rot. Resulting that your mind is so messed up , shattering your life and is more then just a terrible thing, because you need emotional stability before you can build up intellectual stability and move on with your life. You need to get your emotions sorted out. Yes ,i've been violated , No im not going to let this awfull individual take over my life.

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Have you been talking about it? Your feelings, and all of that stuff? A lot? Cause you need to. Your friends, a counselor, your family, your boyfriend.

 

I am sorry you are so despondent, Grace. I know what that feels like. It's like a burn, you can't get away from it, it follows you. Talking about it was the cool water I needed to soothe my burn. I think it will help you, too. So tell us. We're listening.

It's soon, and you've been through a terrible event. OF COURSE you hurt. OF COURSE you're mad. OF COURSE you feel overwhelmed. If you didn't feel these things, you wouldn't be human.

Hugs, Grace. You are a strong woman and can get through this. It does get easier. Life does return to normal, and you will be stronger for it. It won't always hurt like this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you guys for you responses and support.

I'm so sorry I'm just now replying.

Things have been a little crazy lately.

Um, I don't know, sometimes you just get used to things.

I think I'm getting used to certain things.

Maybe I'm getting a little more used to the pain.

I don't know.

But I really appreciate you guys, you don't know how much your words mean to me.

It's nice to have encouragement and know that I'm not alone.

Thank you, thank you!!!

Today is one of those weird days. So my thoughts are kind of everywhere.

I'll be sure to write again soon and share a little more information that I'm doing now.

Have a great day guys!!!

Hugs and kisses

~Grace

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Grace, god bless you, life is not always fair, people don't always react in the ways you want or need them to. The pain can and will only get better from here on in.

This violation came from another person, not from you, so keep that clear.

Sometimes it feels there is no black and white only shades of grey.

Don't let this destroy you, talk to who you can when you can. don't let yourelf for a moment imagine this is the only world you have to live in.

love

laurax

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  • 2 weeks later...

lolobolo

Thanks for your support!

Ya, I really don't want this to ruin my life. Wow, I really like your saying "don't let yourself for a moment imagine this is the only world you have to live in", that's so beautiful!

I'll try not to. Your pretty quote has inspired me.

This whole process is so unbelivably crazy.

And the weird thing is that before I was raped I had such a disgust for rapists, ya know.

I can't even describe it, it was sooooo strong. And when I found out that certain friends were molested as a child, I was sooooo angry, and extremely protective.

I always, thought it was kind of weird for me to be that way.

I was so strong then, so ready to beat the crap out of those people for what they had done to my friends. I had a perfect anger for them.

It's funny how the tables turn.

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