Finally able to let him go...

[survivorFQ]

A little background...I came to this site 2yrs ago...after finding out that although my ex had been in and out of my life for 3-4yrs while I dealt with personal issues...always saying he loved me...wanting to be with me etc., that he admited to having a girlfriend for that 4yrs...which hurt since he even talked about what our wedding song would be etc.

 

So after I learned this I was hurt...tried to go NC...which was easier since I was in FL and he was in MA...but he kept popping back into my life...wanting to see me when i came home on breaks etc. Always saying he loved me. At the time I was too weak to stick to NC, and I would get sucked in by his charm and loving nature, only to be reminded he had a girlfriend that he love too.

 

Well, nothing really physical ever happened between us, until I moved back to MA, permanently...he called me 3 times asking to see me, and finally I called him back. We spent the beginning of the night just hangin' out like always...throwing the frisbie, joking around. Then he brought me to the beach, and as we sat on the blanket he pulled me down to lay next to him...and as he did this he kissed me. It had been so long...years since we had kissed...but to me it was bitter sweet since I assumed he had a girlfriend still...even though he never mentioned her. Well, we got pretty involved on the beach...no sex...but clothes were off...and then I stopped things and said I think I need to go home now. So when he dropped me off, he hugged me...then he said something that still bugs me...he said...well for now, let's just act like nothing has happened and when we see eachother again we can't let this happen again. He said he really does love me and he wished this did not have to be so complicated...but you know the situation...and I love her to(it was then I knew he still had his GF & had not left her and that is why he had called) & then he made me promise to call or e-mail him to tell him I was ok.

 

Well this was 2wks ago. I text him once, and then gave him a call and left a message on his voicemail...and I have heard nothing from him... So yeah...once I again i got suckered in...my hopes were up...and then he leaves me to dwell over things when he probably just goes back to his GF like nothing happened. I mean...I felt guilty knowing I did something with him when he has a GF...I never wanted to be the other girl...I got cheated on before...2 times...and it sucks.

 

So...it has been a long time coming...and I have dreaded sending this letter to my ex...but after seeing what I had become...the other girl just waiting for him to break up with his GF... I had to do it. I thought it would really hurt...but after sending it I somehow feel some relief. No longer do I keep looking at my phone just hoping he may call...since I told him not to. Although I will never forget him...I think doing this was the only way I could get over him.

 

Here is what I sent him...(sorry it is kind of long)

 

Hi XXXX,

 

I just need to say a few things...probably stuff that is on your mind...but you probably don't feel like saying it to me...or are trying to figure out how to say to me. So I thought I would open the line of communication first.

 

First of all...I love you a lot...more than I thought I could possibly love and care about anyone...which makes all of this even harder to say.

 

I really think that we should not see or talk to eachother anymore. As much as I tried to "just be friends with you"...obviously it did not work out so well. I mean...every time I was with you, or talked to you...despite the fact I knew you had a girlfriend...I always seemed to hold out hope that you would realize you loved me the way I do you...realize that you wanted to spend your life with me...that no one else made you feel like I did when we were together...that you could not stop thinking about me and us when we were apart...that we would somehow have a happy ending to our long story that we could share for years to come... unfortunately I have come to realize happy endings are more likely to occur in the movies than in real life.

 

So what I am trying to say is that I can't keep doing this...beause I can't get past how much I love you and want to be with you...despite the fact you love and are with someone else. I honestly am not sure how you can do this either. I mean...I feel guilty about the time we spend together...cause all I think is that if I were your girlfriend I would like to know what and who you have been seeing. I mean, all I can do is think back to school when you saw XXXXX that summer... and did not tell me until after...I know that is a bad example and this is different...but I do remember how much it hurt when I found out...but I think it would have hurt even more knowing that you kept it from me completely.

 

XXXX, I just can't be the "other girl" anymore. I don't deserve that, and neither does your girlfriend. We both deserve someone who we can completely trust and that is honest with us, and that is devoted and loves only us. You have to know holding on to what we have...is not fair to anyone...a decision has to be made...

 

So I really need to let you go. As much as I would like to continue to be friends with you...I just can't see how I could do it. I mean...some day you will get married and have kids etc., and as much as I will want to be happy for you...I think...no I know... it will kill me inside to see it happen, and I would be wishing I was the girl you had decided to marry. I mean it is hard enough knowing you have a girlfriend...

 

Hun...can you really say that you want to be a part of my life when I get married...and watch me have children & spend my life with someone else?

 

As much as both of us has said we just want eachother to be happy...I think that it would really hurt both of us to watch eachother completely move on.

 

Besides as long as I hold on to the past and what we had, I will have no room, time or attention to notice and welcome new things into my life. Hun, know this is absolutely the hardest letter I have had to write and I can no longer hold back my tears while I write this. After our last night together...I really did have hope...that you may really still love me and want to be with me...but the silence over the following days has made it clear that once again I opened myself up...and set myself up for disappointment.

 

Maybe I am wrong...maybe you are taking this time for yourself...trying to figure things out...and if that is the case...I apologize...but I can't help thinking that you are just living your every day life with your girlfriend like nothing even happened.

 

I don't know how you do it...say you love me...but easily go back to your girlfriend who you say you love and act like nothing has changed between you...or perhaps you are just better at keeping your feelings hidden than I am.

 

Goodluck XXXX, I hope you get out of your relationship everything you want and need. Just make sure you continue to be honest with her...I think that is so important...in any relationship whether it be between lovers or friends...and now with me no longer interferring in your relationship...I think you will start to be the honest, caring, and wonderful man that I fell in love with once upon a time...because I know that you do not want to continue to be a man that decieves others...that is not the kind of man you are, and you really need to take a good look at your life and actions and make some changes...as do I, since I have not been behaving appropriately either...

 

I wish you all the best...and know that if you find yourself really needing a friend...that I would never turn my back on you if you were in need...but for now...with the situation like it is...I think it is best if we go our separate ways. The future will hold wonderful things for the both of us, this I am sure. So thank you XXXX for absolutely everything...

 

I once told you that to be your friend was all I ever wanted...well to be your lover, was more than I ever dreamed. Thank you XXXX, for making so many of my dreams come true.

 

Perhaps someday our paths will cross again and the timing will be better for us...but I can no longer hold on to that...and we will just have to see what is in store in the future. The ball is in your court now...if some day you realize that I may be the one you love and want to be with, and you are sure of it...please don't hesitate to contact me...but for my sake and yours make sure you know what you want.

 

Love, XXX

 

 

So I guess the moral of this post is...find the courage to let go of the past...because it will help you move on and leave you open to wonderful things in the future.

 

I hope reading this can inspire just one person to move on from the past, as so many of the posts I have read have helped me.

[Entomon]

You're too kind in your letter. All the years of lying and cheating on you, I feel he doesn't deserve a gracious "dear john" letter. But if you think this will bring you closure then send it but don't reply when he sends a response back.

[wishfulthinking]

wow...this is the EXACT sme situation i was in a couple months ago. Its so weird that u and i are going through the same thing.

 

my first love and i were together for 2 years and we broke up.....he dindt speak to me for a year because he had a gf. we finally saw eachother after a year, and both felt the same way as we did wen we first got together. We were both still in love wiht eachother and it was hard to resist eachother because of it. i finally told him that as long as he had a gf that we couldnt talk, and we both havent spoken for 2 months. it hurts that he hasnt chosen me over her, because i thought he would. but i guess he loves her more then me, thats how i feel. there is noting worse knowing that the man ur crazy about loves u, but is deciding to be with someone else. i cant even telll u how many times ive wanted to contact him these past months. but i never did. i miss him so much

 

i wish i could give u advice, but im hear seeking the same lol.