loveisaparadox Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I realized today why this hurts so damn much. I've never been through it before, not like this. Can you believe I made it 35 years through half a dozen significant relationships and many more without ever being red carded? And I know why: I always had a strong intuition for when things were starting to go south ... and I pulled a preemptive strike. Every time! Except the last time. I hung on. And so I gave her the power to terminate. I think I've learned some things from being the dumper, and now the dumped. I'd like to pass these on with hope that they help someone. 1. For all those relationships where I pulled a preemptive strike, the ex eventually came back into my life at some point to "test the waters" for the possibility of reuniting. In a couple cases, we did reunite. This attests to the bond of love and the importance of letting the future unfold. Things really do work out. To this day, I have an ex out there I sometimes think about getting back together with. We've been apart for 8 years. 2. If I had pulled a preemptive strike on my most recent ex, I think she would be back in my arms by now. If you are detecting the signs of unrest in your relationship, please please please do not try to "fix" it or pull your partner closer. Relationships are contrary to the laws of physics. If you want your partner close, push them away. YOU be the one to suggest it's time for some "space." Think of how empowering that is. 3. If you want that "second chance," do not let the dumper put you in his/her back pocket for a rainy day. Trust me, I've been there, feeling like I could get my ex back at any moment, and it's a very comfortable place to be. It's so easy to move on to someone else when you have the security of your not-so-distant ex in case things get lonely or do not work out. Make it clear that the relationship is OVER and move on yourself. NC is brilliant. Do not give your ex all that wonderful security of "maybe it will work out in the future" and "I will always be here" ... blah blah blah ... it only makes it easier for them to move on and it makes it much less likely that there ever will be a second chance. The partners that I gave a second chance were the ones who became VERY hard to get. Now that's attractive. 4. Don't assume the dumper is not hurting. And don't assume that there might be a chance if you don't move on and start dating. I once dumped a girlfriend and then went away to university for a couple years. I moved on and started dating right away. That's one of the reasons I dumped her! I found out a few months later that she was seeing someone and I was totally crushed. If I had not been on the other side of the Atlantic, I probably would have tried to get her back, immediately. The dumper might seem like a monster, but he/she is a person just like you with feelings and they get to deal with guilt, doubt and regret on top of everything else. Ouch! 5. Understand the language of guilt. I know it hurts when the dumper says everything will work out, you will move on and be happy with a more suitable partner. It sounds like they are ready to move on themselves and it sounds like the breakup is permanent. Maybe it *is* permanent, who knows? But understand how guilty they are feeling about crushing your heart. They really need to believe that the breakup is the right choice - after all, it was THEIR choice! Give it a few months. Then the real feelings will come out. And if there's no chance of reuniting, at least you'll have closure. 6. What if i did this ... what if i did that ??? Whatever happened, let it go. The dumper is doing the same. Do you really want to remind him/her of all those stupid fights? You're better off letting it disappear into the past. And do not, by any means, take the lion's share of blame. In fact, don't take any blame at all. Accept and acknowledge that the two of you were not in a healthy dynamic, and that it was best to end that dynamic. If you cheated, apologize. I hope some of this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gattsuga Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 sounds kind of manipulative if you ask me... can't two people just want to be with each other without these mind games? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveisaparadox Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 I hope it doesn't sound like I'm suggesting that anyone try to manipulate their partner. Good communication, respect and honour are crucial in every healthy relationship. But have you ever wondered why so many relationships burn out after six months? I believe it is because one or both partners failed to acknowledge and deal with a phenomenon called the "Dance of Intimicy." And unfortunately, it *is* a bit of a game. The goal: to establish a lasting, loving relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parky Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Wow absolutely fantastic points and advice. I'm wondering if you could help me out here with your experience. Me and my ex ended it today. I'm 20 she is 18. She basically ended it and i just agreed. Her reasons were * i'm a changed person, i started treating her badly * I'm selfish with money and my time * She has given me chances in the past for a 'fresh start' * I was too obsessed with the internet and computer, thereforeeee having no time for her *She doesnt think a new chance will change us We had been going out for nearly two years. In them two years, i have always been the dumper. She would always come crying to me, asking me for chances of having her back. She wouldnt leave me alone at all. This has happened a number of times during the relationship. Yes i loved her and she loved me. If i said right thats it i dont want to see you again, she wouldnt stop calling me, txt'n me, calling my house phone doing my parents head it, spending £30 worth of calls and txt's. Now being the dumped, i know how she felt, and i feel like doing the same thing. I have moaned and begged her, just for today. but now im doing to try no contact. She has asked me not to see her, txt or call her. I wrote her a nice letter this morning which made her cry her eyes out and said it will not make her change her mind. Now its the evening and i think she has gone to bed. Her phone is off. She said she still loves me, but not in love with me. Shes one of them clingy type of girls who never want to let you go. But obviously she has. We was very serious and loving. I thought it would last forever. Please please help me i'm heart broken. What shall i do now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
g44 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... Complacency is an unnessary roadblock to happiness, stand up and fight to reach your dreams. sometimes even with a great connection, it means you can have a great friendship and not a romantic one too. Not all "soulmates" are ones that are intended to be romantic partners. In my opinion, if someone is having trouble deciding between two people, it often means they don't feel strongly enough about either. However, anything's possible and I'm sure that's not always the case, it's just been the case in my experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveisaparadox Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 Parky, the first thing you should do is this: nothing. Take care of yourself. Have a drink with your mates. Talk about the situation with people you trust. The more you share your experience with others (including here) the less you will feel inclined to contact your ex. You need to display some respect for yourself (and her) in a way that she didn't when you broke off the relationship. She didn't respect your request for space. You can do better than that. If she doesn't want to be contacted, don't contact her. She needs time and space to sort out her feelings. Be prepared for a long period without contact. Think of it this way: if you really love her, what are you willing to do for that love? Are you willing to let her go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjc Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 A great post and very helpful to me right now. Problem is always that we don't know what the dumper is thinking; and so assume the worst. Maybe they have moved on, but equally maybe they haven't. I know things may not work with my ex...but i want to do everything I can to see if it can...and if that fails, then NC is my best start to a new life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parky Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 if you really love her, what are you willing to do for that love? Are you willing to let her go? No i'm not willing to let her go. I still think deep down that there is a chance she might come back. She's the type of girl that is far too soft when it comes to relationships. She would want to see me every single day. I just couldnt do that because of work and college etc. When ever i dumped her she would never ever face it and will try her best to get me back. She is very very soft. Now being the dumped, i understand what she went through, and she has toughen up and said she doesnt see another chance. She might say that now because it's only just happened. But i get the feeling a few weeks down the line she will be so lonely and miss my company she will contact me. She is a very lonely person. She lives with my sister. She didn't get on with her mum she moved out into a flat, and then moved in with my sister. She only has one real friend who she sees and has been seeing all week. When she was with me, she would only see me and no one else. She would moan she is on her own all the time (my sister always went out). She has no family, no uncle, no cousins no nothing, just her mum and 2 brothers. Which is another reason why i want to take care of her. She will become so lonely. Maybe she doesnt feel that now because she is seeing her friend for the moment and to heal. She starts uni this month, taking primary school teaching, she will be travelling there and back (around 1 and half hour drive) 5 days a week. Will she miss me because she has no time for her friend (her friend is going to college too, different from the one my ex is going to) yes i did sleep at her flat, and was planning to carry on sleeping there when she started uni. Any chance she will regret what she did? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveisaparadox Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 Parky, do me a favour and read through your last post and count how many times you say "she." You've told me a lot about what she wants, what's best for her, how lonely she is, what her feelings are. What about YOU? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
g44 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 help i really did love her dearly i always will and i know that she is gone because of many things i cannot ever repair in this lifetime goodbye all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflowers Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 "The dumper might seem like a monster, but he/she is a person just like you with feelings and they get to deal with guilt, doubt and regret on top of everything else. Ouch!" It took me a while to come to terms with this as a dumpee, having never been a dumper myself. I was bitter, and couldn't see my dumper's pain through all of my own pain. I wondered why he wasn't "happy" now that he was finally "free" of me. In retrospect I've realized that he was a completely miserable wreck for the first few months after our breakup too. I always can't help but wonder - if the dumper knows that he/she is going to be utterly destroyed by the breakup too, why do they initiate it? Is it because they sometimes genuinely underestimate how much they're going to be hurt by it, or because they're so deeply convinced it's not meant to be that they're willing to slog through the pain of separating, or is it something that I haven't thought of? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psu11 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 moonflowers you bring up an interesting point. in my situation, as my ex was breaking up with me, he was crying and he said he already regreted doing it. 8 weeks later, after being in a mutual setting he told me he missed me. the reasons we broke up was due to him not being sure of what he wanted in any aspect of his life, and he didnt want to drag me along while he figured out his own path. i respected his wishes and let him move on. in this case, i believe this breakup was initiated because he truly couldnt carry on a relationship at this time in his life, and i think he knew full well the pain and guilt he'd feel after, because it wasnt the relationship that was the issue. in most cases, that pain the dumper feels simply isnt enough to motovate them to get back together. maybe because of pride. maybe because they dont want to put in the extra effort to get back the dumpee. this is a generalized statement but it seems when the dumper is a male, they underestamate their feelings post break up a lot more than females do. i think females rationalize every aspect of the situation..past, present and future so it hits them faster. i think it "sinks in" for male dumpers after the break up, when they start doing their daily routines and realize the ex is no longer in the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pacopaco Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 I kind of fell like moonflower. She dumped me, left me for her boss. She's very unhappy now. I can't get over the feeelings, though, that she "should" be happier without me, after all, it is what she wanted right? this is whazt prevents me from wanting to speak to her again. She called two nights ago, leaving a message on my machine. I didn't call back because I think to myself "did she get everything she wanted?" it's weird, because I know mutual friends of ours will go meet up with her at her job to go out for drinks and things. shile she was "breaking up" with me, I was not allowed to go to her work, even when I had cooked up some vegetable soup (from scratch) to take to her. this still hurts me, as I feel I was the only one excluded. everyone else is ok to go, just not me. this still hurts, and again I think "well, she got what she wanted. all of it. including me out of her life." so why call? maybe she is going through pain, guilt and other things. i don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sushigirlie Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thank you for posting these thoughts. I can relate in several instances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tearsbegone Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 What if the dumper actually never shows any signs of remorse or hurt- like they could care less about what they have done and move on quickly and disregard you and anything you had? The dumper your describing doesnt sound like mine. He never even explained why after 10 yrs. he won't work knit and 2 months later is in love. Thanks for sharing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sushigirlie Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Loveisaparadox, I love your post. L.c. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Often I think the dumper doesn't know they are going to be utterly destroyed. Breaking up is a decision that doesn't guarantee predictable outcomes. It's not an academic decision where you can list the pros and cons do the math, and then execute. There are too many unknowns. And only after the break up do things become known. One of them is the realization they loved the dumpee more than they thought. It is only by their absence that they realize how much that person meant to them. And even when the dumper knows there is going to be great pain sometimes you have to make hard decisions in life. Dumping someone who has cheated, someone who has an addiction, or just simply someone we love but isn't a good match. Sometimes choosing to end it is just as risky as when we choose to begin it. Great post OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sushigirlie Posted August 16, 2012 Share Posted August 16, 2012 Often I think the dumper doesn't know they are going to be utterly destroyed. Breaking up is a decision that doesn't guarantee predictable outcomes. It's not an academic decision where you can list the pros and cons do the math, and then execute. There are too many unknowns. And only after the break up do things become known. One of them is the realization they loved the dumpee more than they thought. It is only by their absence that they realize how much that person meant to them. And even when the dumper knows there is going to be great pain sometimes you have to make hard decisions in life. Dumping someone who has cheated, someone who has an addiction, or just simply someone we love but isn't a good match. Sometimes choosing to end it is just as risky as when we choose to begin it. Great post OP. Sportster, have you ever been a dumper? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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