Just another rant & me progressing..

[KIDD]

I'm living day by day focusing on me but it hurts that the friends I thought I had abandoned me! All of them. It frustrates me that all the time I spent being there for them, talking to them when they called etc etc. Yet now they've all grown away from me. Last night I tried reaching every single person on my cell, either people were busy or they weren't even answering their phones.I even tried calling people I haven't talked to in a long time & yet no answer. After realising I reached everyone I broke down & cried, I was actually thinking about killing myself for a brief moment but I snapped out of it. I looked in the yellow pages & I did talk with some sort of counselor over the phone. She did tell me that now is the time to focus on yourself & maybe it was for the best that I'm alone now to get myself together.I'm trying to figure out about how I'm going to see a counselor without my mom knowing. She'd go ballistic.

 

Right now, I lack motivation because I feel like what should I work so hard for really? To achieve what you want & to die alone? I feel like an outcast because no one understands me.

 

I think god is trying to tell me something but I'm confused on this religion aspect. In the last week, At least 3 people have stopped me to either tell me their life stories about them having god back in their life & how their life has changed for the better.Then all of them would tell me to take time out for him. Then while I was working a day ago, there was a magazine that was on the ground & it just happened to be on a page about Jesus & accepting him as you lord & savior. Maybe these are just concidences & I'm making something out of nothing. I really think god is trying to wake me up.I really don't know much about religion & to be honest I have lost faith in god. I try but I don't know if he exists or not anymore. I try to read the bible & I try to understand but nothing.

 

Earth is like hell to me really. Everything is just so wrong. I mean there's so much hatred,violence & corruption in almost everything.It makes me not want to be here seriously. I just wish there was a place that everything made sense, everyone is happy & carefree. LOL I know there's no such place like that.

 

After years of being told your ugly,your lame & doing absolutely nothing with your life drains your soul & your heart.I'm very bitter that I'm alone & miserable when all I ever did was try to be a good person. It hurts even more that the heartless people seem to suceed in life, the ones that told you all of those things in the first place.

 

I think tomorrow, I'm going to my local library.So I can just delve into reading & just focus on myself being alone. I want to be alone to an extent right now. My mother told me that reading is good for you. It boosts your vocabulary & you gain knowledge. I'm not a book person & I can't ever seem to focus as reading makes me sleepy. But it gives me something to do I suppose.

 

I'm actually thinking about changing my clothing to a more darker style. Black clothing. More of a gothic type look to express the mood I'm in I suppose. I know this part seems weird. If I'm different, I might as well show it inside & out.

 

My journey is far from over but I hope it's progressing at least somewhat..

[dogheadma]

Yes this world is a cold and uncaring place except for the part of it that you live in. That's your world. You can make it any way you like it. If you want it dark, so be it. If you want it light, so be it. It's all up to you and your attitude. It's all a matter of your personal outlook. The choice is yours. It really is that simple.

[FoxLocke]

Hey Kidd,

 

In highschool, I went through everything that you are experiencing down to the letter. I used to dress like I was going to a funeral on a habitual basis. I wore black t-shirts, pants, sun glasses, and trench coats(which ceased after the whole Trenchcoat Mafia/Columbine tragedy)...Back then I thought I was doing it to be cool and "unique." However, I realized that it was merely a reflection of how I truly felt within. My art work reflected it, my writing reflected it, and my overall demeanor reflected it...

I was miserable. If you read my thread entitled, "Becoming Positively Gay" you will know that I was also suicidal, and when I screwed that up I became even more depressed.

 

By all means delve into who YOU are as a person. Right now you are showing all the signs of a person fading into a depression...But I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know from personal experience because I am seeing it for the first time in my life.

 

But happiness, positivity, and self actualization are things that you have to work for. It has taken me along time to reach the point of being able to look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me...

 

On that note, please don't commit suicide. My reason for asking is very selfish...I think you are a great person and I don't want to imagine the world without you in it right now.

 

Take care Kidd. Blessed Be!

[KIDD]

Trust me Foxlocke I'm not even thinking about suicide now. Last night was one of those low moments for me. Maybe with time, I'll be able to love myself again. As far as the clothing goes, I just want attention to reflect my mood. I want to be different now, I don't want to be like everyone else.Another issue I had was trying to be like other people. I would buy the latest things to fit in, while now I realise I was trying to win people's attention by what I wore & what I had which was stupid.

 

You have matured into a great person & I admire you for this. I hope to become like you one day where everything is fine. Foxlocke, where do you start to love yourself again & focus on you? I can't tell you how hard it is to be happy when things look gloomy. I'm trying my best to improve and it's a hard task but hopefully I plan on getting there one day. I'm going to pm you because I'd love to talk to you outside of enotalone. Anyway I hope all is well!

 

Now I realised that all of my life I relied on other people & things for my happiness when I should have learned in the beginning to love myself first.Now I'm late trying to get myself together but changes will be made starting my 20th birthday next month.