Why the dumper doesn't even want a graceful exit interview??? Please HELP!!!

[Blane151211]

correction: YOU miss HIM? or who you "thought,dreamed" he could be? Remember try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts"

 

Melrich and Annie told me that maybe he is not single after all. Or maybe its true that he is not and he hasn't been married... but maybe they (his kids' mom and him) are still together... that's a very big possibility. I don't know... I guess I am still disappointed with what happened to us and to our relationship.

[blender]

Yes, you're disappointed, but do NOT be disappointed in yourself, you gave this relationship a try, and now HE'S not got the "goods" you need to stay in it any longer. so try for your own sake to let go.. it's said that a "higher power" does for us what we are not willing to do for ourselves"... and I believe the FACT that this guy is no longer IN YOUR LIFE, is a blessing, and it will just take some time for YOU to realize it... but you will..in time.. so although you are in pain, be grateful that he can no longer have the opportunity to take your "energy".. have the self respect to this energy to YOURSELF, starting right now... you will survive this and thrive... and look back and say to yourself, "what the hell was I thinking being in pain over that guy"

[Blane151211]

Yes, you're disappointed, but do NOT be disappointed in yourself, you gave this relationship a try, and now HE'S not got the "goods" you need to stay in it any longer. so try for your own sake to let go.. it's said that a "higher power" does for us what we are not willing to do for ourselves"... and I believe the FACT that this guy is no longer IN YOUR LIFE, is a blessing, and it will just take some time for YOU to realize it... but you will..in time.. so although you are in pain, be grateful that he can no longer have the opportunity to take your "energy".. have the self respect to this energy to YOURSELF, starting right now... you will survive this and thrive... and look back and say to yourself, "what the hell was I thinking being in pain over that guy"

 

Thanks so much, Blender. Appreciate your advice and encouragement. I'm sorry for venting too much. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm on the road to recovery... then I'll wake up the next morning thinking about him again. Every time I think of him, I can't help but remember all our good times. It makes me smile sometimes... but then in the end, I also feel all the pain and heartaches once again.

I have a friend who's in a medical field and she told me one time that I should be glad me and my ex are over. I told her about the anti-depressant medicine that my ex is or was taking (I didn't know that he was under antidepressant when I met him... he hid it to me and only told me about it the last few weeks of our relationship. He was starting to distant himself then... and he told me that it was all because he hasn't been taking any anti-depressant medicine anymore and some of his depressions are coming back). I also told her about my ex behaviour during the last few weeks of our relationship. She told me that he may have the manic bipolar depression... that's the reason why he took the medicine. She said I'm lucky I no longer have to put up with him anymore. Plus, if he didn't end the relationship, I more than likely have stayed and put up with everything. I just couldn't leave the relationship before. Part of it, I love him. Part of it, he programmed me that he needs someone to care for him... he told me all of his pressures in life from the beginning. So he kind of gathered all the sympathy that he could get from me. So the sympathy plus the love... eventhough I'm at the losing end, I stayed and gave the relationship a chance... until the day he chose to walk out of it...

[blender]

No honey, you are NOT at the "losing end" in all this... YOU HAVE BEEN RESCUED by the fact that he's no longer around, and yes you will still have moments/days where all you can do is "think about the good memories" but those are NOT all the FACTS..so don't let your feelings spiral around what you "hoped could be" but remember instead what actually IS..

 

he's ACTUALLY sick, and is CHOOSING TO stay that way, a grown man who provoked sympathy, caused heartbreak, can't get his life together, is NOT worth being in this much pain over.. you're pain is coming from the "resistance" of who he actually is, so try being in "accpetance" of who he REALLY is, (not who he presented himself to be, but who he actually turned out to be) and think about what he can really offer you, or any woman, what? a bunch of headaches, heartaches, worry, sympathy?.. what about love, stabilty, honesty, self improvement, long lasting committment?

 

he just can't do it.. for anyone, he doesn't even have his own life together, and YOU thought YOU were going to fix that for him? Nope, any guy who can't do this for himself only ends up resenting the woman who tries to... trust me..you would have lost yourself completely if you were still with him, all your energy would go to "walking on eggshells" to keep him "peaceful", heck go work in a mental health facility if you want to do that...at least you'd be getting paid, emotionally gratified for helping someone who is working at getting better and could go home after eight hours.. and have a REAL LIFE...

 

You got caught up in the "rescue" of him, and the FACT although you FEEL you can save him from himself, that is NOT the case, no one, no woman, will change who this man is and what he is capable of, and the FACT is, he is NOT capable of a mature, honest, loyal, stable, forever kind of love. He just isn't, no matter how much you FEEL he "could" be, the FACT is he is not the man who can bring you security, happiness, love, loyalty, honesty, stability, that all has to start with YOU, and then you will attract a man who indeed can share these same qualities.....

 

and please know you can always vent here, it took me a loooonnnngggg time to "get it" and to "let go" of my pain... I had to keep seperating my "feelings" from the "facts' over and over again, until I got a more clear picture of WHO my ex really was, and NOT what I "hoped" he could be....

 

So keep coming here, and say or ask anything you want..stay strong, you will be okay...better, the best because he is gone.. and can no longer keep you in a "holding pattern", sure it hurts, but you are FREE now to go out and create a healthy new life for yourself, be proud that you are going to do this..

[Blane151211]

Thanks a LOT, Blender. As always, appreciate your kind advice and encouragements. I know I will be OK... I know sooner or later I will get over this. I just don't know when because at this point, I'm still in kind of a "see-saw" feeling. One moment, I thought I'm beginning to get over him... then one moment, I feel so sad, empty, hurt and betrayed once again. I need to forgive myself as much as I also need to forgive him. I am trying NC... and been successful for almost a week now... I figured out, why would I continue to beg him when he's no longer interested in being with me? I figured he might be a lot happier and peaceful now that I am no longer there. Like he said, I was "selfish" and I "pushed him away" from me. I am not blaming him for everything... of course I am also taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship. But the thing is, I tried my best... I accepted him for whoever he is... even though he's a single dad and he took control of the relationship, I tried so hard to stay... because i know he has so much stress in his life. I was scared if I leave him, it will only add up to his frustrations in life. You are right... I stayed because I thought I could fix something in his life. I thought I could bring him happiness... I thought my love will help him love life... because I know how mad he becomes sometimes at how unfair life is. I am not blaming him for the failure of the relationship. In fact, I am blaming myself... like I said, if I didn't push the status of our relationship while he is in his "I need my space" mode, I probably would still have him today. I still find excuses for all the hurts and pains he caused me. Everytime I talk to my sister-in-law (she's one of my bestfriends), she would tell me not to rationalize and not to make excuses for him... she knows that I'd rather blame myself than blame my ex for the failure of our relationship. Sometimes when I remember his "sad" stories to me, I would feel sorry for him... it makes me cry to know the pressures in his life. I thought I could help him... I thought I could lessen the pressures in his life by means of showing him I care... by means of not nagging him when at the last minute he would cancel our date. By not getting mad at him every time I learn that he couldn't find time for me but he surely can always find time to hang out with his bestfriend.

Yes, you are right. I am FREE now... free from all the future heartaches and pains that he might cause me. It still hurts and I don't know how many times will I wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning, only to find myself thinking of him and missing him... I am taking it day by day...

Thanks for all your support Blender... thanks for listening to me... for my never ending venting...

[Relax]

No contact rule is a must, especially when an ex is abusive, Blane151211 you just got burned you don't wanna put your fingers on a hot stove, are you?

 

Put away any kind of contact because if you don't you will trigger the urge to contact your ex and get more burned.

 

The idea is to find a way to get out,

 

Take care.

[Blane151211]

No contact rule is a must, especially when an ex is abusive, Blane151211 you just got burned you don't wanna put your fingers on a hot stove, are you?

 

Put away any kind of contact because if you don't you will trigger the urge to contact your ex and get more burned.

 

The idea is to find a way to get out,

 

Take care.

 

Thanks. I woke up this morning thinking about him again. I felt the urge to call him once again. But then, I fought the urge... I tried to remember the hurtful things he said to me. I tried to remember how he chose to walk out of the relationship... he walked out in a hurtful way... in an unrespectful way. I remembered how he treated me so badly during the last week of our relationship (before he decided to broke up with me over the phone). Now here I am... a little bit pissed at him... but still, hurting

[whoops]

yeah i agree a messy ending is an exit interview - youhave to bite the bullet and remember that he is just weak with no balls - you deserve better

[Blane151211]

yeah i agree a messy ending is an exit interview - youhave to bite the bullet and remember that he is just weak with no balls - you deserve better

 

I am holding on... surviving and trying to stick with NC. For the past few days I would normally woke up in the middle of the night or early in the morning... then he comes automatically to my mind. I would feel all the hurt and pain... missing him, blaming myself for the failure of the relationship (that's what he told me too), etc. I couldn't cry though... for some reason, it seems like I have to tears to shed over him anymore. Blender adviced me to take it a day at a time... and that is what I am doing. I'm doing NC a day at a time... so far, I am holding on.

Sometimes I wonder if he's thinking of me too... if he misses me too...

By the way, I just bought the book "It's called breakup because it's broken". I've started to read it...

[Blane151211]

Yesterday, Saturday, I woke up at 5AM and automatically, I remembered my ex. I was able to block his thoughts and forced myself back to sleep. But then at 7AM I woke up once again. When he came to mind, I couldn't block it off and couldn't resist thinking of him. Memories of him came crashing through my mind... then all of a sudden, I can feel all of the pains and heartaches once again. I was sitting on my couch trying to figure out our failed relationship when some friends called me. We talked and decided to go kind of window shopping and then we had dinner at a Chinese buffet restaurant. By the time I got home, I was too tired to think of my ex. In short, I fell asleep quickly.

This morning, when I woke up at 7AM, I remembered him once more. What else follows... all the memories, the questions, the hurts, pains and heartaches. I started beating myself once again... I started to blame myself... I started to miss him so much... I started thinking of him so helplessly. I got tired of it so I decided to clean my apartment. I did general cleaning and everytime he comes to mind, I would do something that would distract me.... like listen to my MP3 player... played the song "I will survive" and "it's my turn" over and over again... pathetic eh!?!

Everyday, I go through the same cycle. His memories will come to mind which eventually will cause me to miss him so much. Sometimes I wanted to pick up the phone and dial his number... beg him one more time to give 'us' a second chance. But then again, I remembered all the advice and encouragement I am getting here in enotalone. I remembered NC... I remembered that I need NC in order to move on... and start anew. Tomorrow, I know that there's a 95% possibility I will go through the same cycle again. I'll take it a day at a time... and I am hoping that my mind will rule over my heart. My mind is made up that I have to let go... but my heart is still so much willing to hold on. At this moment, I still can't totally let go of him... but I am hoping that in due time, I will be ready...