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Why the dumper doesn't even want a graceful exit interview??? Please HELP!!!


Blane151211
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Here's my story:

 

 

I tried to contact my ex the other night... left him text messages and a voicemail. At first I tried to reconcile... beg for a second chance (I miss him so much!!!) and then I asked him if I can meet him. He broke up with me over the phone and didn't give specific reasons as to why he wanted out of the relationship. Other than he throw a bunch of hurtful words to me and blamed me for the failure. I guess I am in search of where did I go wrong and what really went wrong. How come the dumper (my ex) doesn't even want to see me to offer me explanation so that I can have closure? How can I have closure and how can I move on? How can I heal myself and how can I initiate NC? It really, really hurts... I feel so betrayed... I feel that he only used me for sexual reasons... and then dumped me (maybe when he's about to be caught by the other party, should there be any. You have to ready my story).

 

Please HELP!!! Thanks.

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Okay, first thing is first. Write down his phone numbers and email contacts if you have them, put them away and delete them from your phone and computer to avoid any moments when you're depressed or pissed (british for had a few drinks).

 

No, embark on ZERO CONTACT. I'm on it myself, day two and will remain strong. Do not contact this person at all.

 

Think about what he has done to you. You are worth more than that, you know you're worth more than that and you will not bloody well put up with it.

 

If you need someone to speak to or vent or someone to help when life is getting at you my msn is in my profile.

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Well it is over, and i am sorry you are in so much pain. Their is nothing you can get from him that you dont already have within yourself. Forgiveness is the only way you will gain closure on this, forgiving him and accepting that it is finished.

 

Truth is the only medicine for emotional pain.

 

be well

brando

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I think you have all the closure you need... The reasons WHY he wanted out are not nearly so important as the fact that he wanted out. There was a relationship. He left it. You are now the only one left in it, all alone. You have to leave the relationship now too and move on. You can do it!

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The only person who can give you "closure" (Oh, how I have come to detest that word....) is YOU.

 

"Closure" is simply the act of acknowledging what IS and moving on from there. The relationship is over. The why of it doesn't matter. Even if you knew the why (if he could even tell you the why), it still wouldn't change the fact that it's over. The fact of the matter is sometimes people have reasons for breaking up that make sense to no one but themselves.

 

Having been in the "dumper" position a time or two, there is absolutely no good that comes from an exit interview. It essentially boils down to a very messy, highly emotional conversation where the dumpee asks the same question over & over, rephrasing it every time because they are dissatisfied with the answer...and the dumper keeps repeating the same answer in different, decreasingly tactful ways as the conversation wears on in an endless loop. No win for either party.

 

I understand you are hurting now, but I also know from first-hand experience that continuing to chase him down for answers is only going to prolong your pain...not allieviate it. It's over. Leave him be and focus on your own healing.

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Okay, first thing is first. Write down his phone numbers and email contacts if you have them, put them away and delete them from your phone and computer to avoid any moments when you're depressed or pissed (british for had a few drinks).

 

No, embark on ZERO CONTACT. I'm on it myself, day two and will remain strong. Do not contact this person at all.

 

Think about what he has done to you. You are worth more than that, you know you're worth more than that and you will not bloody well put up with it.

 

If you need someone to speak to or vent or someone to help when life is getting at you my msn is in my profile.

 

I think more than I need to forgive HIM is the fact that I am also in need of forgiving MYSELF. I don't know but I am really having a hard time, first of all because I keep and I can't stop beating myself up for what happened. I kind of blame myself for allowing myself to be hurt when in the beginning, I should have known what am I getting into (he told me he's a single dad and he has twins during our first date). I know from the beginning that I am in the position where I will only expose myself to pain and heartache. But I guess the attraction is so intense and for the first time, I just couldn't resist the chemistry between the two of us. I never went to bed with anyone before... but a large beer and a glass of margarita, and there I go... I jump in bed with him too soon. I don't really even know him too well. I didn't allow 'us' especially myself to get to know him better. It was my fault I was into this situation right now... and I really have a hard time forgiving myself for it...

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i think you should take his refusal to meet with you as a sign that he's not a real man.

 

my ex agreed to see me for a "closure meeting," and a part of me actually wished he had avoided or rejected me. then at least i would know that he was never worth being with in the first place. i had to hand it to him for being willing to meet with me, because he had no way of knowing what he was in for, but he did it out of consideration to me...i guess.

 

fortunately, he's done quite a few other things to let me know he's weak!

 

your ex really owed you that. it's a shame he can't acknowledge it. but now you know he doesn't deserve you, and it would be a shame if you had settled for a man who is less than you deserve.

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Thanks, Joyce1412. A week after he broke up with me, he left me a voicemail just before 11PM. I think he intentionally called me on my cellphone because he knows I put it on a silent mode before going to bed. If he really wanted to talk, he would have called me on my home phone, as he knows I would always get the call. He apologized and told me he never meant to hurt me. He said he wasn't just using me for anything... he was just "so pressured". I really don't know what does he mean by "so pressured". Like I said in my story, he was the one calling the shots. He controlled the relationship, when will we see each other, how long we'll spend time (4 hours is the longest), etc. He always had his 101 excuses... most of the time, he used his twin babies as an excuse. Only to find out later that he was able to spend the entire day with his bestfriend to watch the football game (he didn't even gave me the courtesy to call me and let me know he won't be able to see me that day. I called him that day and even texted him to verify our date but never responded. When I learned what he did, I never nagged him... nor even got mad at him. So what is this "so pressured" thing that he was talking about?)

I tried to reconcile with him last Monday (SHAME ON ME!!!). Texted him a few times and even called him. When I realized that he's not in for a reconcillation, I texted and called him, left him a message, almost begging him to meet up with me. I wanted to talk to him. He was so brave to pick up a fight with me for no reason at all, he was so brave to throw a bunch of hurtful words at me and blame me for everything... but he doesn't want to talk to me face to face. And this is what I understand. I feel like he owes me an explanation for what he did. If he wanted out of the relationship, why did he chose to walk away with me in the most hurtful way that he did? He never offered me any explanation... and that is what I wanted from him. But he ignored my text messages and my call. He's in hiding right now... doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to meet me. I don't know why...

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Because he is gutless and can't face the drama. He wants it all to go away so he ignores you and acts like it didnt even happen so that HE doesn't have to deal with it.

 

The best way to get closure is to think these things about him, then forgive him for being a gutless man, forgive yourself for falling for this gutless man, and then think to yourself ..... If not him, then someone better!.

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Because he is gutless and can't face the drama. He wants it all to go away so he ignores you and acts like it didnt even happen so that HE doesn't have to deal with it.

 

The best way to get closure is to think these things about him, then forgive him for being a gutless man, forgive yourself for falling for this gutless man, and then think to yourself ..... If not him, then someone better!.

 

Thanks, everyone. Thanks, Bethany. I am slowly learning to forgive him... especially learning to forgive myself. Because I think, more than I need to forgive him is the fact that I am in need to forgive myself too for falling for him. Like I said, I keep on beating myself for allowing myself to get into this mess even though from the beginning I know he's a single dad, has twins... and more than likely, the relationship won't work for long. It is very, very, very hard. Going NC is too difficult for me... then knowing that he didn't even returned my call and didn't even answered my text messages 3days ago is a lot more hurt also. Most of the time, I would wake in the middle of the night or early in the morning and think of him, think of what happened. Most of the time, I blame myself for the failure of the relationship. (That's what he told me... I was acting so selfish that's why he needed so much space. He's right... I am "selfish" because I settled for the 4hours that he can spend with me... 4hours every 2weeks!!! Imagine that!!!).

Finding enotalone.com and the great members here gave me all the strength that I need. In the middle of the night or early in the morning, when his "ghost" start to "haunt" me, I would turn on my computer and log on to this site... then read the forums here. It helps me a lot. THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!!!

Another thing, it is very, very, very true that "when God closes the door, He opens the windows". I just got the job that I wanted. What I'm going to do right now is what I wanted to do long time ago. It is and has always been my dream job for the last 5-6years of my life.

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By the way, this question is for all... especially to all the guys. Here's the story:

This happened around early part of June, the time when everything was working great between me and my ex. My ex, upon learning that his bestfriend got engaged without him (my ex) knowing it, was so upset. He was so upset because he learned about the engagement from his bestfriend's fiance. My ex used to tell me that aaaa (his bestfriend's fiance) has to go...meaning, his bestfriend has to realize that he needs to let go or dump his fiance. My ex thinks that aaaa is no good for his bestfriend. He even mentioned to me twice, that he's willing to pay someone (maybe a * * * * *) to seduce his bestfriend, make him fall for her, so that he (the bestfriend) will dump the fiance.

I was just wondering... have you guys been in that situation where you don't like your bestfriend or your friend's fiance, and then you will say the same thing (like my ex have said)? Have you done that guys? Have you experienced that? If not, will you ever do or say what my ex did just because he didn't like the fiance?

Another interesting thing... a few days before my ex dumped me, he mentioned that his bestfriend and his fiance are very, very close to breaking up. He said that they (my ex and the bestfriend) are hanging out all the time, going to the gym, he's (my ex) training his bestfriend to get in shape just in case, he (the bestfriend) needs to look for another girl. Then after a few days, my ex broke up with me. I have the feeling that his bestfriend finally dump his fiance.

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each person is allowed to end things as the feel best for them. remember they are leaving a relationship so they are not obilgated to you. and maybe u did something really bad and u hurt them so much they are protecting themself. maybe that's just how they do it. i know it can be rough and if u have never gone thru NC before, just look at it as a learning experience so if u ever have that happen again u will not act like an idiot and maybe make it easier for both of u.

 

Did you read my story? If not, go to the beginning of this thread. Then you will have a complete view of what happened.

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HOW someone chooses to behave when they leave you says so much more about HIS character than it does about YOU. You don't need closure from him, he's no longer worthy of your energy.. he has NOTHING of any value to offer you...

 

YOU are perfect on your own, feel good about you, and even though you will miss "what you thought he could be in your life" don't spend a second missing who he really is.... okay? You'll get through this, do NOT CONTACT him anymore... you tried, that's okay, but now have the self respect to let it go.. you are worthy of so much more happiness in life, and this guy does NOT hold the key to it, YOU do...

 

keep venting here, you will grow from all this heartache, and you will learn more about yourself and how much of yourself you will give in the future to a man and the TYPE of man you will choose to get involved with... this is just a painful bridge to a better you... these desperate feelings you are having will pass...they will.. I promise..

 

Do NOT send him any letters, write them and send them to YOURSELF... do NOT CONTACT HIM AT ALL... he has NOTHING to offer... take care of YOU right now... no letters to him... write all your feelings down, post them here if you like... but don't "re-act" to your feelings right now, just feel them, cry, cry, cry, then take something outside he gave you, or something that reminds you of him and throw it out..... and try to let go...just a little... you can not hang on to running water...

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Thanks a lot, Blender. I really do appreciate your great words and encouragement. Once again, when I got home from the office today, I felt emptiness in me. I remembered where my ex used to park his car when he visits me. I remembered everything about him... and once again, I felt like I was dizzy and wanted to throw up... I'm miss him like crazy. I wanted to lock myself in my room, maybe spend the night crying, or force myself to sleep so that I don't feel the hurt and the heartache. I almost cancelled my dinner date with a girlfriend. Then I realized that I need to go out... I need to help myself get over him. So I headed out the door and called my friend that I'm on my way to her place. Just like girls do, we had fun having dinner and then went for a quick shopping. I realized that I need to help myself to get over him. In addition to that, I do get a LOT of help here in enotalone.com... the members are great... and that includes YOU. THANKS A LOT!!!

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You are an impressive young lady, so wise even when you are hurting so much, good for you for keeping your dinner plans with a friend, and remember there will be moments where you feel like your walking through cement, but the "feelings" will pass, so remember the "Facts" and although your "feelings" are hurting, the FACT is, he's NOT worthy of you anymore... no more contact, one day at a time.. you will heal... just forgive yourself, give yourself a break, smile and say out loud, "I will be great, I will be fine, I've learned alot, and thank god he's gone, because I wouldn't have wanted to put any more energy into a bottomless pit like him"....

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You are an impressive young lady, so wise even when you are hurting so much, good for you for keeping your dinner plans with a friend, and remember there will be moments where you feel like your walking through cement, but the "feelings" will pass, so remember the "Facts" and although your "feelings" are hurting, the FACT is, he's NOT worthy of you anymore... no more contact, one day at a time.. you will heal... just forgive yourself, give yourself a break, smile and say out loud, "I will be great, I will be fine, I've learned alot, and thank god he's gone, because I wouldn't have wanted to put any more energy into a bottomless pit like him"....

 

I woke up this morning at 5AM only to find myself thinking of him once again. I remembered everything... and I miss him so much. I kept asking why he didn't return my call (eventhough I asked him to call me) and why he didn't answer any of my text messages. I was wondering if he's thinking of me too... if he misses me too. I feel so dumb, so stupid to miss him... but I still do miss him. We normally see each other on Fridays before... and its now Friday here... so I was wondering if he remembers it too.

 

I miss him smiling back at me... I miss his voice...

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Of course you miss him and yes he is thinking of you, but NOT enough to pick up the phone and call right now, it's okay, breathe..it will be okay, DO NOT CONTACT HIM, DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE OVER THE WEEKEND, "IF" HE DOES CALL... sometimes in life we just have to be "sad" for awhile, it's okay, you will get through this, you can not convince someone to "love you" and if he doesn't figure out that he does, (AND YOU HAVE TO LET HIM FIND THIS ON HIS OWN), if he should not, then at least you have your self respect because you are no longer going to "CHASE HIM".

 

STARTING RIGHT NOW, you are taking back your self respect, you're going to cry at home, talk to friends, come here and vent, tell us everything you want to tell him, BUT you are NOT going to contact him... and YOU are going to get through all this... I bet he will call eventually, until then.. you're going to start becoming a girl you yourself would admire, and I know you would admire a girl who demands respect and who wouldn't go contacting a guy who has NOT called her back.. so for today, you have to "let go" just for today.. okay? you can do this.. you can, we've all been through it, and you're going to be "sad/miss him" but you will survive and thrive, it's a whole new stronger YOU.

 

Also remember you do not want a guy to call because he "feels he HAS to" or because he "FEELS SORRY FOR YOU'... you want a guy to call because he WANTS to.. so give this time for him to "discover" if he wants to.... any other form of contact will only make you feel worse.. you're already in pain, and it's okay, but now you are CHOOSING THE SELF RESPECTING CHOICE to NOT CONTACT HIM... hang in there, we are all here for you..

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that he doesn't expect any contact or want u too because its important that u don't - maybe he is just focussing on things other than that big car crash and showing u that maybe its possible to talk and discuss anything other than that crap...wouldn't it be nice if that never ever ever was discussed again...and u talked about normal stuff - even if it is cat and mouse - that u like...

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I felt so bad this morning... I thought I would break down and cry anytime. Then I went to work and got myself busy. During lunch time, I joined my co-workers and had fun. Then after office, one of my close friends called me and asked me to meet her for dinner. She's with her 2year old kid so she asked me if I can meet her near their area. From my place to my friend's place, it would take me about 40 minutes to drive. But since I wanted to go out and have fun and not think about my ex, I agreed to meet my friend. I got home now and I am tired... no time for me to think about my ex. I hope and pray that I will be OK this weekend. I'm tired of thinking about him and of missing him. I'm struggling with NC... but I'm surviving. Like I said, everytime I miss him and everytime I wanted to call him, I don't care if its the middle of the night or early morning, I normally choose to log in to this site and either read a forum or vent... it gives me the strength. And by the way, I deleted his number from my cellphone. I'm sorry guys if I usually vent about my ex... just bear with me. Thanks for your support...

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Slowly, things that I haven't noticed (or maybe intentionally ignored!!!) before are coming back right at me these past few days. When the relationship was still in good shape, my ex has said some things... things that now makes sense to me. They are probably "clues" or "hints" to who he really is or what kind of person he really is. But maybe I was so blinded by too much love that time so I may or may not intentionally ignored it. There was one time he mentioned to me that he "never falls in love". The girl he dated a few months before he met me (and before we dated) kept on calling him and texting him when we're still together. He said that she kept on asking him why he stopped talking to her and kept on ignoring her. My ex told me the story... now I wonder if the story that he told me is valid. I was wondering if ignoring the other person and just completely shutting them down without any explanation or any reason at all is his way of ending a relationship as soon as he realizes that he doesn't want to be in it anymore. Too bad that there are signs earlier... but I failed to acknowledge them. I continued to date him and hoped that it would work... no it didn't. The thing is, he ended our relationship through phone...

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Well, good for you for looking back at the relationship in an "honest" way, this is part of the healing process...and you are on you way... As far as his last girl texting him, calling him and HE ignored her, YES, that is HIS pattern and it doesn't matter who he is involved with, eventually he has to run away from HIMSELF... so he 'ignores" the girl who is calling him..

 

DO NOT BE THAT LAST GIRL.. YOU ARE CHANGING, GROWING, AND GAINING PERSPECTIVE on the fact that his "life pattern" has nothing to do with YOU..it's about HIM.. always was, so don't take him "not returning your call" personally, just think if the last girl survived this you will too.. and pray for the NEXT girl if there ever is one, because he'll do this again, and again and again.. so be grateful that you are CHOOSING TO BE STRONGER NOW, and remember NO contact... keep it up, you're doing GREAT!!!

 

When it hurts, just come here to vent.. all you want... the more you write, the more you will realize about the TRUTH and you'll be able to keep up no contact..

 

We all can look back and see the "signs" but it's okay that you skipped them then, you were falling in love, but NOW, you know better, and you've learned, and "falling" is never a good thing, even if it's in love, falling is always dangerous, but "choosing to love someone whom you respect, admire, are attracted to, and who feels the same way about you..that's REAL LOVE... no falling required.. you both stand up straight, side by side...

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Well, good for you for looking back at the relationship in an "honest" way, this is part of the healing process...and you are on you way... As far as his last girl texting him, calling him and HE ignored her, YES, that is HIS pattern and it doesn't matter who he is involved with, eventually he has to run away from HIMSELF... so he 'ignores" the girl who is calling him..

 

He told me sometime the first week of July that he and his ex talked over the phone. They had a huge fight... he said the girl called him a lot of names and he felt so bad he had to hung up on her. He said their last conversation put a bad taste on his mouth. I know that he's been avoiding her for sometime. He even called her "psycho" because the girl kept on calling and texting her. He told me their story... but now I wonder if the story was valid or he just made it up so that he will look the good guy.

 

I woke up at 5AM today and my ex came to mind automatically. I was able to block it... so after a few minutes, I managed to get back to sleep. But then I woke up again at 7AM and this time, when he came to mind automatically, I wasn't able to block it. His smile, his voice, his laugh, the jokes, the memories came rushing through in my mind and I drowned... I found myself once again helpless with the pain and heartaches. The questions like why didn't he returned my last call and my text messages, why didn't he want to give me 'us' a 2nd chance, does he think of me too and does he miss me too, does or did he ever considered giving 'us' another chance, blah, blah, blah... they just came crashing through my mind and all of a sudden, I felt all the pain and heartache... I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry although I couldn't. For some reason, I can't cry hard enough. There are times when I will just cry when I'm all by myself... but then most of the time, I will feel all the hurt but couldn't cry. I wanted to once again, try to call him or maybe text him. But I deleted his number from my cellphone. I probably can dig his phone number somewhere... but I convinced myself that I feel lazy and I don't want to do it. I convinced myself that digging for his number is too much work for me. Once again, I found myself wanting to beg him to come to me... I even want to drive somewhere where I know he lives close... then call him and beg him to meet me there. But for some reason, there's also this little voice inside me reminding me about NC... reminding me that I will only get myself in trouble and in more pain. I asked myself that if we're still together or if we ever get back together, what will I feel if his birthday comes, Christmas and New Year holidays come this year and he wouldn't be able to be with me? What will I feel if I couldn't even see him or talk to him during those special occasions because for some reason that I don't know of, he just couldn't make it for me? What will I feel? I reminded myself that maybe that was the reason why he wanted out of the relationship... because he doesn't want the holidays to come and were still together. Maybe he was avoiding for some conflicts just in case.

 

But still, his thoughts and his memories just kills me sometimes... like right now! I miss him so much....

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correction: YOU miss HIM? or who you "thought,dreamed" he could be? Remember try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts"

 

Hi Blender! I miss "him" the way I thought and I dreamed and I hoped he would be. Not "him" who hurted me and who walked away from me.

 

I went out with friends today. I plan to just stay home but my friends know that the breakup really hit me hard and so they are trying their best to keep me busy during weekends. I hang out with them almost the entire day. There are times when his thoughts came to mind... but I managed the day without calling him. I'm sticking to NC day by day. Thanks for your advice to take it a day at a time. It's very, very, very hard... but I'm trying to stick to NC.

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