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Group trouble


DeviantOne
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This is going to sound really confusing because i dont wanna use any names.

 

I sit in a group of 4. Theres me, my best friend, and my other 2 friends who are eachothers best friend. One of my other friends is close with my best friend and she's always telling my best friend her secrets/problems, she also always tell's her best friend her secrets/problems aswell. Whenever where all sitting together at school for lunch there always talking about one of my friends secrets/problems and when i ask what's going on or what there talking about they always tell me to nevermind. i have no problem with my other friend being close with my best friend and i have no problem with her telling my best friend all her problems/secrets. i just feel really left out and dont know what to do. i dont know how to tell my friends that im feeling left out and if i tell them they'll problaby feel like their forced to tell me my friends secrets/problems and i dont want them to feel that way because i know its her business and if she doesnt want to tell me then she doesnt have to. please help me, i dont know what to do.

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First of all, how you feel is important. If these people are your friends, they should care how you feel about this. Just tell them that you're feeling left out and let it be known that you wish to be closer with the other two girls. You're all supposed to be friends so I don't see where there should be a problem with this. In the case that you end up getting nothing but drama out of the situation, you might want to question your friendship with these people who are supposed to be your friends, yet don't seem to care about your feelings.

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Hey DeviantOne, I'm sorry that you have been put in this situation. I think that you should just flat out say something when they start to do this again. Maybe something like, I completely respect the fact that you don't want to share this personal information with me, but since that is the case could we talk about something else when we all hang out together? Then change the subject to something that everyone can talk about. That way this girl doesn't feel forced to tell you her secrets and the conversation naturally moves onto something else.

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i love all my friends to bits, i really really do. but i think the problem is the relationship that my best friend has with my other friend. because my otha friend tells my best friend all her secrets and not as many to her best friend and my best friend goes to my otha friend for advice with most her problems and not me. I've talked to my best friend about it and she always reasures that im her best friend and not my otha friend but i still have this gut feeling that something not quite rite. i respect their close relationship and dont get in the way. just lately ive been feeling really left out of the group in the whole 'people sharing problems and secrets' sector and i dont really kno what to do about it. i dont tell my best friend nearley anything anymore because if its something that im really having problems with and she doesnt have an answer i have a big fear she's going to go to my otha friend for advice about it. ive also talked to my best friend about this aswell and she reasures me that that would neva happen but i still get that gut feeling. ive always been a person who goes by my instincts and my instincts are always rite, but the thing is i dont kno weather to trust my friend or go by my gut. my head and heart it saying my friend but my gut is saying go by my instincts. i sort of think i should go by my friend. but i dont think she'll do the same in return, i think she'll still go to my otha friend with all her secrets and problems like she does know. so i guess i feel like "why should i tell her all my secrets and problems when she doesnt tell me hers". i just dont know anymore.

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I understand what you're saying. It's hard to feel like you're putting your all into a friendship and feeling like you're not getting that back. One thing that really stands out to me though from what you said is that you're afraid that if you tell your friend your secrets, she'll go tell the other girl. Are you really afraid of that or is it what you said at the end, that you don't want to confide in her if she isn't confiding in you? If it's that you think she'll tell your secrets, I'd advise you to look carefully at this friendship. Do you really want a best friend that you can't trust? Also, have you thought of trying to connect with the other girl in this group? The other girl that isn't let in on all the secrets. All I can say is, you should never question your best friend's loyalty to you. A best friend should be someone you trust completely.

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im really angry at myself at the moment. i love my best friend, i have complete faith in our friendship, and i cant and would neva question our friendship. i tell my best friend everything but latley ive been holding back because on what i said in my last post "why should i tell her all my secrets and problems when she doesnt tell me hers". its really really bothering me i wanna tell her everything thats been going on latley but i just cant. i shouldnt feel this way. im so selfish. i just wanna go and apologize to my best friend but she doent even know whats going on. im such a selfish **** only thinking of myslef.

 

i go to my best friend for all my advice on my problems or situations or anything like that and she doesnt in return, at all. she always goes to my other friend first. and im jealous. i hate it!!! i shouldnt be jealous, i dont wanna be jealous. im so angry at myself!!!

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Don't be so hard on yourself!! That's a perfectly natural reaction. I would feel the same way. I think you should sit down with your friend and explain to her that it hurts you that you tell her everything and she tells you nothing. There could be so many reasons why this is happening, and you won't work through it until you talk to her.

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well its official, there is no solution to this problem. I've thought about telling my best friend how i feel and i kno she'll understand but then she's going to feel like she has to come to me first with everything which makes me selfish (which i am for how im feeling!).so once again im being a selfish ****.

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Maybe she wouldn't feel obligated to come to you first. To me, that's not what you're asking. You just want what you give to the friendship reciprocated, which is totally reasonable. Maybe if/when you talk to her, you shouldn't even mention this other friend. Just explain to you that you feel like you tell her everything and it hurts that you don't get that back. It's always a good idea to use "I feel" statements instead of "You don't do this" statements, it comes accross better.

 

I'm worried though about how hard you are on yourself. You seem like a very caring person and you shouldn't put yourself down like that. Would you tolerate anyone in your life speaking to you in that way? I hope not. So don't accept it from yourself either. You are not being selfish for wanting to be closer to your friend. You always have a right to your feelings.

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