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Is he tired of me or just busy w/school and work?


McSushi
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Hello, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend (10 year age-gap, he's younger, I'm older) for almost 3 months now. In the beginning of the relationship we were text messaging each other like crazy, and he was calling me and always wanting to spend time with me. We both work together and attend the same church so we would always see each other regardless of whether a date was scheduled for that week or not. I have noticed that things seemed to slow down a bit since school just started for him. By "slowing down" I mean, not texting me as much or being as up to spending a lot of time together on dates. I'm wondering or hoping that maybe it's because he's just busy with school and work and not that he's getting tired of me already. Regardless I know the worst thing for me to do is to pursue him even more and demand why things seemed to have slowed down or why he doesn't seem as excited to do spontaneous dates like we used too. We do see each other about 3 or 4 times a week, twice at church, 1 at work, and sometimes a regular date. I guess I'm just a little paranoid and assuming the worst due to previous bad relationships. Is this normal in a relationship? In the beginning phase, your constantly spending a lot of time together, talking, etc. then things slow down a bit? I forgot..it's been about 5 years since I've been in a long-term rlp.

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yes this is soooo normal, you're at that 2-6 month mark where one or both partner's get nervous about the "realness" setting in.. so they withdraw a bit, even if they are not aware they are doing this.. so let go, and you are right about not pursuing him and not bringing this up right now.

 

BUT, you too have to keep a "note to self" about what is "okay" for you and what isn't. If it's just that he is not as "attentive" then give it time...and let him have some space... if it's more than that, like he says he's going to call and he doesn't well then, that you have to lovingly tell him, "doesn't work for you".....

 

and don't be fearful that gently stating what is "okay" or "not okay" for you, will chase him away, because if having standards/values you want in a relationship turns a guy off...then you are just cutting short something that will eventually end anyway..

 

so for now, let him go a bit, and wait it out... but always have the "self respect" to let him know what is okay and what isn't for you, when building a long lasting loving mature relationship... But don't let your own insecurities make a mountain out of a mole hill right now.... hope this helps... breathe, relax, what is meant to be will be...

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Hey MS-

 

Wow, I could have written this exact same thing, gender-reversed, about 4 years ago...

 

Do you feel like he is trying to make you a higher priority or do you feel like he is hiding behind school as an excuse not to spend time/talk to you? That is the key feeling I think and one you have to trust your instinct and judgment on...

 

And then you can always say to him pretty much what you said to us here...

 

At any rate, the beginning of school is tough! I've been through several of these. You've gone from being on vacation, working, etc. to switching intellectual gears and tossed into a new schedule. Depending on his program and class load, he might already be waist deep in assignments. I would give this thing some time, maybe around 6 weeks from past experience, and see which way it goes...

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Do you feel like he is trying to make you a higher priority or do you feel like he is hiding behind school as an excuse not to spend time/talk to you? That is the key feeling I think and one you have to trust your instinct and judgment on...

 

Based on what he has told me he did mention that I am way up there on his top priorities as far as what's important in his life. Not trying to defend him, so I hope I am not coming accross that way because that is not my intent. I appreciate and am open to all different kinds of opinions to my OP. He said right before his first week of classes started that he would be so busy with work and school that we would probably have to cut our dates a little short (we use to hang out until the wee hours in the morning). I know he has classes on Tues. from 10am - 9:45PM so that's a long day for him. He has a lot of homework, hard classes this semester so maybe that could be it? He does see me more than his own friends, which use to be the other way around when we first started dating. He did say that he doesn't want anyone to feel left out so he tries to make room for spending time w/his family, friends, and girlfriend, and time to do homework etc.

 

I don't know, I hope he's not using school as an excuse...I'd be a little upset if he was bored of the rlp already only after 3 months especially since he's told me that he wants to be with me for a long time.

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hey - unfortunately, I have been in your shoes before as far as wondering why someone is getting more distant. 3 months is one of the pivotal times in relationships because it's when many people decide if they want to stay or leave.

 

I think it could go either way. Maybe he is getting tired of you, or maybe he is geniunely busy with school. it is the beginning of the year after all, tons of stuff to do.

 

i think you will have your answer in time.

 

what does your gut instinct tell you? do you feel cared about? do you feel like he is making excuses or is he genuniely busy? however, even people that are geniunely busy will find time to spend with you.

 

I think within the next 1-2 months, you will have your answer. In the meantime, you may want to sit and think about the relationship yourself. is he making you happy? is this relationship healthy for you? maybe focus less on what he may be thinking and feeling, and more on what you are thinking and feeling.

 

good luck

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Thanks guys! Really appreciate the speedy responses.

 

what does your gut instinct tell you? do you feel cared about? do you feel like he is making excuses or is he genuniely busy? however, even people that are geniunely busy will find time to spend with you.

 

 

Well, like I mentioned before from what he tells me, he is really busy with school and work, but wants to make time for everything that he considers important in his life. He mentions all the time that he hates school, even though he's good at it so I guess he is adjusting to the "change" (end of summer, fun stuff, etc.) He called me yesterday and made plans for a date this Wed... and he just wrote me a text message right now. Soooo I think my gut is telling me that I'm being paranoid and that he is just adjusting to all the responsibilities in his life right now. I'll just give him his space, focus my free time on things that I enjoy doing so I won't obsess over the rlp. I just don't want to do anything to sabotage the rlp...he's a good catch, probably the best that I have dated in a LONG time, so I definitely don't want to see this one "get away", lol.

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  • 1 month later...

thats a sweet sentiment, langford, but sometimes reality and the pressures of the world kinda muddy the waters, you know? lol

Mcsushi, you don't need any more advice on this, it's all been super so far, these guys are right, and don't disregard that gut feeling, it's very rarely wrong

good liuck

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