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Please help... Looking for advice...


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I'm 23 years old and I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year.

She just turned 26.

 

Last Friday she was having some horrible pains and ended up in the emergency room all night. She finds out she was pregnant and her body was rejecting it. They said she couldn't have been pregnant for more than a few weeks. Apparently they had to perform a procedure to remove the fertilized egg. I guess she had no real decision to make about this, the doctors needed to do what they had to.

 

What makes this worse is, 6 months ago, she had gotten pregnant. The egg had been fertilized in her fallopian tube and was stuck there. The only thing that could have been done was abort it.

 

She says that she hasn't gotten over the first time this happened, now that it's happened a second time she's just a wreck. I know she's very emotional (she is that way to begin with) about all this and needs me to be there for her. I'm having trouble trying to figure out what she needs from me in order to help her through this.

 

She feels as though it's her fault and she's let me (us) down. I tell her that it wasn't in her control and she doesn't need to be sorry for anything. I tell her that I'm not upset or mad at her because of what happened, there's no way I can be. These are the cards that are being dealt and no one has any say about them.

 

I really want to help her through this and be there for her, but I'm not sure what I can do. There's a bunch of underlying things going on that don't have anything to do with these pregnancies that are making our relationship rocky. Because of those things, my ability to be around her and her family is quite limited. We work together, so I see her everyday and I am able to talk to her frequently if needed.

 

I've been searching all over the place online to find some type of helpful ideas I can use to support her. I'm not some heartless guy with no feeling or emotion. It makes me very sad that this had to happen twice and I feel so badly for her. Even though I can't understand the physical and emotional pain she's going through, I want to be able to do my best to help her. She's very on edge with me and I am walking on eggshells when I talk with her most of the time. I understand that what is going on is making it difficult for her, and I would like to make things better as much as I can for her.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this, and you too have your own pain right now. Although you can never know what she is feeling, you can be there to "listen" and "reassure" her as you have been. But it is also important to know that this is going to take time for her to "live through"...and she will. It is normal for you to feel like you want to "do something" to make this all better, but the fact is, you can only "be there" to listen, and you are powerless over her feelings of insecurity... all you can do is the same you have been doing... and that is to lovingly "be there".

 

Has she gotten any therapy? It's very important for you to NOT become her therapist (in a sense), you might be feeling that you want to "fix" this for her, but that is not possilbe, she has to work through this in her own way, in her own time. So be patient, but also realistic by telling her in a loving way, that you are concerned about her and know she is emotionally drained and that perhaps she can talk to someone professional to help her through these difficult emotions.

 

You are not going to be the "answer" to this for her, she is the answer, and it's going to be tough, but she can rise above these disappointments, yes they are devastating, but she can seek therapy and grow through all this...

 

I hope this was helpful... please remember you are powerless over how she feels about herself, you can only do the best you can, by being there, listening, caring, and letting her know it will all work out as it should, and that you are most grateful that SHE is okay physically after these procedures.

 

Also, you might want to responsibly practice safe sex, so she does NOT go through this again.... and that is the right thing to do, until her doctor can indentify the problem and help her get physically to a place where she can tolerate a pregnancy..

 

And as far as having a child is concerned, why are the two of you "getting pregnant" if your relationship is "rocky"?

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So are you trying to conceive then?

 

Well, the first pregnancy was an ectopic...not very common (more common for some due to medications, etc) and certainly not her fault.

 

The second was a miscarriage, and again NOT her fault. Miscarriages occur due to "mistakes" within the formation of the fetus - genetic codes that do not match, or that would create severe abnormalities. It's the bodies way of naturally aborting those that would not make it. The pregnancy was "over" before the procedure - the procedure was to minimize risks of infection.

 

Even so, miscarriage is a saddening, painful thing. She may want to look into grief counselling, and ask her OB/GYN for a referral.

 

Just a side note....if you are having a rocky relationship, you should also work on those things together, and preferably before having a child (planned at least!) as that certainly won't "fix" those issues and can often make them worse. The temporary joy may quiet them for a time, but they will be back in force - don't bring a child into a rocky home.

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Neither of these occurrences have been planned. For some reason, I believe her when she says she "knows her body" and it's alright to have sex without protection. In the back of my mind this all sounds very ignorant, but I go along with it anyways (stupid). I can't blame her for getting pregnant, it took both of us to do it.

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She may also feel bad not just for letting you down, but may also be disappointed herself. She may really want a child, so she's afraid she's never going to have one or something. That could be part of what's making her irratable.

 

She has a 4 year old daughter from another man. She's a huge part of her life.

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Neither of these occurrences have been planned. For some reason, I believe her when she says she "knows her body" and it's alright to have sex without protection. In the back of my mind this all sounds very ignorant, but I go along with it anyways (stupid). I can't blame her for getting pregnant, it took both of us to do it.

 

 

Hmmm....I wonder if she is trying to get pregnant knowing things are rocky in order to fix them?

 

You are right, it takes both, but I suspect she is at least a bit intentionally negligent - especially with latter pregnancy where she may have been trying to 'replace' what was lost (conscious or unconsciously).

 

And yeah....unless she is EXTREMELY regular, charts her cycles, and uses protection in higher risk...you are really playing with fire!

 

Take some responsibility, parenthood is about far more than getting pregnant....

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Okay, I care and want to help you out, but I'm bit upset over this post, so please bare with me...

 

my god, you're talking about a CHILD HERE, A LIFE... and it's just lower down to."she says she knows her body, and I go along with having sex, so I guess we both are responsible for her getting pregnant"

 

YEP, THAT'S FOR SURE... but what in the heck is being considered here? Bringing a life into the world because you consider yourselves "victims of circumstance" and the fact that it is now a known health risk to her....who is THINKING AND ACTING RESPONSIBLY HERE?

 

I think you both might want to get some therapy, separately, so you can be mature enough to not PURPOSELY put yourselves into this situation again.. and this was on purpose, it's no mystery that unprotected sex can lead to a baby..or in this case a "health risk" for the mother, and a child entering into a "rocky" situation... this all has to go back to "personal responsibility" not what you both "feel like doing" in any given moment and then "oops" this is terrible, how could this happen to us, we feel like failures...ugh...

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Okay, I care and want to help you out, but I'm bit upset over this post, so please bare with me...

 

What do you have to be upset about? We didn't have any decisions to make with these abortions. I know the consequences of having unprotected sex are. How is anyone going to know if they're going to have complications in their pregnancies? It's the luck of the draw as far as I'm concerned.

 

I didn't come here looking for sympathy from anyone on how I feel. I just want to help my girlfriend any way I can so it isn't so hard on her. She would have loved to have a baby, and I would have also. I say the relationship is rocky, but she is very thin-skinned and cries over spilt milk. It's difficult for me at times to deal with her on a regular basis because of this.

 

I could sit here all night and type out things that are going on, but my fingers would probably fall off.

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It's wonderful of you to be so caring.

 

I had an ectopic pregnancy 2 years ago, and it remains one of the most traumatic, horrifying experiences of my life. To know that your child is within you, its heart beating, nothing wrong... and then know that you have to be proactive in ending your child's life through no fault of your own - it's a heinous experience.

 

I've not had a miscarriage, but I imagine the heartbreak is similar. Most women feel an immediate attachment to their babies the second they find out they're pregnant, and every instinct within us tells us to protect this baby, and when we can't, we feel like failures. We know it's not our fault, but we still look for ways to blame ourselves.

 

Listen when she cries, hold her when she's sad, let her know you're there for her.

 

Also, I'm a member of an ectopic pregnancy support group, if you want to let her know about it. No matter when she had her ectopic, this group of women is the most supportive, helpful group of women I've ever met on the internet. If you want to post there as well, you're more than welcome to, they'll help you through this as well. There's a men's board on there. Granted... nobody's posted there since the new board went up over the summer, but I know that several men still check there. You could always post on the main board.

 

Here's the address: link removed

 

Y'all will get through this - it takes time to start to heal. But believe me, your girlfriend will never forget these things, and the pain will never go away. I still think about the baby I lost every single day.

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