How can the trust be rebuilt?

[Whitecat]

I have to give a run down of relationships to get anyone with advice up to speed...Sorry it will be lengthy...Here goes:

 

I have been in 4 actual love relationships...and some dating relationships. All but 2 of those women I have been with cheated on me in one form or another. I was with a woman whom became my wife and mother of my son..After being with her for 17 years(started dating at age 15) and being married for 9 years we split in 2000. The last 3 years with her was just co-existing with not even a hug. We are still friends for the sake of our son and stay very civil. I was told by others she cheated and I had suspicions any way. She came clean this year about what she did. Doesn't matter anyway.

My heart belongs to my current g/f of 2 years who cheated 2 times on me with her ex-fiance whom was in another relationship of his own...once after 6 months and again a year later. I was suspicious to it and she lied to my face about it for over a year. The cheating wasn't full blown sex..actually she was the giver without receipt of anything. Because my love is real and this woman has extremely great characteristics and traits(other that the betrayal) I decided to not dump her. Because I have issues around being cheated on(who doesn't) I have been a bit of a basket case and now our relationship is on the edge of ending.. I found out she was cheating by survailance method and she admitted it finally and wanted to work through it as she claimed to truly love me....now she says she loves me but is not in love with me due to my insecurity of what she and my formers did...mind you the 2nd time was march of this year and she admitted it at the end of May. She wants me to basically forgive,forget and move on. Her reasons for cheating are that she thought she still had feelings for him. My questions are:

 

How does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

 

Where was I in her thoughts/being while she was doing the act?

 

Is it possible for her to be trusted again?

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson?

 

Am I allowed to be a little jealous if she is flirty with another until trust is rebuilt?

 

My hearts door is closing and if it does ---no one will ever get back inside...not in this lifetime.

 

Aside from counseling as it is too expensive....What advice does anyone have that we can do as a couple to get back those feelings of True Loyal Trusting Love?

 

I want to trust her implicitly!!!!! But How can she help mend those wounds that she inflicted on top of the scars of my past? I reallly do love this woman!!!

 

Thank you in advance to all that give advice on this.

 

Peace8-)

[shelbymustang_fan]

I think if someone cheated on me, trust could never be restored regardless of the circumstances. There is no amount of talking, counseling, apoligizing, or promising that could convince me otherwise. Sure you can tell yourself, and her that you can work past that, but I'd have to believe that deep down, there would always be that doubt, and you never really could trust her. You will never be able to feel 100% secure in this relationship...Especially if she cheated twice! I would dump her. Have more respect for yourself.

[Phoenix69]

There is really only one thing she can do to PROVE she wants to be with you and loves you. BE WITH YOU AND YOU ALONE!!! My BF cheated on me in the first couple of weeks of our relationship. Its has taken nearly two years for that trust to be rebuilt. It can happen, but you both have to want it to work

[yeawutever]

Well it's not just about saying "Oh I'm sorry", nope, it's about taking actions that you are willing to commit to that person. This can work out but she would have to realize that now it's gonna take longer for you to trust her, esp. if she done this for a second time. She would have to agree on counseling, since she seems to be giving to pleasure too easily, so then you can find the roots of what lead her to make the same mistake.

[pamh]

Hi Whitecat,

 

My heart goes out to you as I am currently dealing with a cheating spouse. These are only my opinions, but here are my responses to some of your questions:

 

- I suppose that someone can cheat on you and still love you. However, the fact that they made the decision to take that action indicates that they're willing to risk your relationship, and that really shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

 

- Is it possible to trust her again? This seems doubtful in view of the fact that she says she loves you but is not "in love" with you, and because she expects you to forgive and forget and move on without working with you to identify why she keeps doing this and lying about it to you. You have a right to feel hurt and betrayed, and you have a right to expect her to take responsibility of her actions. You are certainly allowed to be suspicious of her because she has shown you by her behavior that she is untrustworthy. Feelings of jealousy would be completely normal if you see her flirting with someone. It would not be unreasonable for you to require certain things/behaviors that you feel with help you re-establish trust. Things like asking her to account for her time away from you, etc.

 

- Remember that while it's great to be able to love someone, you should not betray yourself by staying in a bad relationship and tolerating intolerable behaviors.

 

- I recommend a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It's a well-written book that can guides you through a series of questions about your relationship, and can help you clarify what you want to do.

 

Best of luck to you.

[pacopaco]

i don't trust my ex with a word she says. she has told me that her life is a mess. her boss is a jerk, no one cares about her. I hear all these things and I think "you liar, your life is probably so peachy and nice." i don't know what, if anything this girl could ever do for me to trust her. i don't. it's weird when i see her, because i just want to keep her at an arms distance, while at the same time wishing it all away, and give her a hug. it sucks, but i think it sucks for her more to a person with a permanent scarlet letter, at least in my eyes.

[g44]

i totally agree...if there ever was something called a dealbreaker...that would be it...there are just some things that are not repairable...i can't imagine being able to even cheat once, then live with someone for a while, and then cheat again. that tells me that person can never, ever, be trusted - u can still love them but they will never be a part of your life again in any meaningful way. because u just know that it will happen again. i can't think of a more horrible way to show disrespect to someone that is loving u. i can't even imagine anything in the world that could ever possible make me even contemplate doing that. that is not within my realm of understanding.

[Whitecat]

Thank you for the responses...The feelings are overwhelming for sure. That uncertainty of trust...I truly hate it.

Well call me a fool or not but after a long heart to heart...she explained all about it...

 

Basically she has made some poor * * * decisions in the relationship department and along comes this guy who after 4 years and playing daddy to her children(one was born into the relationship the other was 3 1/2) he proposed and told her they would buy a house together and have a child of their own...well he dumped her...after some rebound stuff I came along.....

The first time was 6 months in and it was only or*l(I know cheating is cheating)to him...she said it was due to leftover unresolved feelings for him..

ok I can understand that...being dumped by someone you love sux

The second time he won her with seduction and rekindling the thoughts of him and her and the house and child together...she fell for it...stupid move but it happened....

He stayed active in her childrens lives as a conduit to her...she realized this when he degraded her in the front yard by saying she wasn't worthy of his child(that's another story)

 

She told me to kick his * * * but he was driving away for me to put him in his place......

 

So now the call me a fool or not part.....

 

Today because I love her so deeply in my heart...Finally forgave her and gave her a new clean slate and full trust...of course I told her if she smears the slate there will be consequence she will remember for the rest of her days....

 

So I am moving on with this and hopefully I don't get burned and she does not ever jeopordize our relationship with dishonesty, unloyal acts...etc

Hopefully she won't put herself in any compromising situations that would go against me or us!!

 

I guess the part that hurts the most is the lies for a year and the fact I gave the option of an open or managamous relationship right from the beginning...she chose manogamy and I was glad she did until the event.....It wouldn't be cheating if it were open...It isn't the act that gets me...It's the lies and deception...atleast it was with her former and not a stranger(doesn't make it right...just a little safer in the area of STD's)

 

so again thank you all...I will probably be moving to another area of this forum that suits having a good trusting relationship....

 

PEACE

[Jodiegirl]

How does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

Easy, they love themselves more. They walk around thinking "poor pitiful me" instead of coming to terms with themselves and their own relationships and working on THAT.

 

Where was I in her thoughts/being while she was doing the act?

Obviously, you were the farthest thing from her mind. I was cheated on. I got proposed to in May 2006. Come june, he was cheating for three months ( and using MY car to drag her butt around). He wasn't thinking of me. And she was thinking of YOU, she was thinking of herself.

 

Is it possible for her to be trusted again?

I dont know. Thats up to you. She did this before and I assume you tried to trust her and then she up and did it again.

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson?

Ahhh "learned her lesson" . My ex fiance used that language "that he learned his lesson". There is no lesson to be learned in cheating other than it hurts someone and ultimately ends up hurting yourself if you actually LOSE the person that you cheated on. If you don't lose that person, what REALLY did you lose?

 

Am I allowed to be a little jealous if she is flirty with another until trust is rebuilt?

Uh, yes.

 

My hearts door is closing and if it does ---no one will ever get back inside...not in this lifetime.

Wrong. Your door is closing to protect yourself from HER. What you really need to do is SHOW her the door and tell her to kindly walk out it. YOu wont BELIEVE the peace you will feel inside when she is gone. You CANT get over this having to look at her face everyday, and curl up to her at night. Get her out of your life and get the healing YOU need. She isn't healing over anything. She still has you. Hmmm.. sounds like she had an affair and "got away with it". Think about it.

 

Aside from counseling as it is too expensive....What advice does anyone have that we can do as a couple to get back those feelings of True Loyal Trusting Love?

There are self help books you can buy.

 

I want to trust her implicitly!!!!! But How can she help mend those wounds that she inflicted on top of the scars of my past? I reallly do love this woman!!!

I dont doubt your love. I love my ex fiance with my heart and soul. Now, love yourself. She wasn't loving you. THATS NOT LOVE!

[Rabican]

I think that cheating disqualifies someone from loving someone. Meaning, you simply cannot love someone, and then cheat on them.... you may love what they do for you, you may love the security, you may love the house, the kids, but you cant love someone and cheat. Dont tell me you can, because you cant. Nuff said.

 

Your girl cheated, TWICE, and is now giving you a hard time because of your insecurities. Id throw her out the window (not literally) she brought that on herself. If she loved you, and respected you she would be doing everything to try and make things right, and prove to you that this wont happen again. Not sitting there blaming you for not being able to get over it.

 

To the curb!!!

[yeawutever]

Right on Rabican, thought you may still have feelings for the person you cheated, you may still love them, but not on the same level as the other person loves you. It's definitely not unconditional love once you cheated, esp. if it was done twice or more. Once is bad enough to dump the person to the curb.

[Rabican]

just a question, how are you ever going to honestly (in your gut, not just in your words) trust her around this man ever again. If they have kids together shes gonna have to see him at some point. I would always be wondering if it happened once, and then happened again, why wouldnt it happen a third time.

 

Ever hear the saying, fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Im not even sure where to take this for a third time... maybe fool me thrice, grab my gun, i dunno.

[rightfromthestart]

"The cheating wasn't full blown sex..actually she was the giver without receipt of anything."

 

what the heck does that mean? lol. wasn't full blown sex? please. sounds like bill clinton! 'i did not have sex with that woman!' i do believe givers do get something...they get to give..no one forces them to give...so, that's what they got....they just got ripped off! they should have demanded to receive as well. hey, if you are gonna rob a bank make sure the safe has tons of cash in it. no point in getting arrested for spare change. go big or stay home! lol.

[rightfromthestart]

How does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

 

THEY CHEAT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH U.

 

Where was I in her thoughts/being while she was doing the act?

 

I THINK YOU WERE THE LAST THING SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING BUT WHILE SHE WAS DOING THE DEED SILLY GOOSE. COME ON.

 

Is it possible for her to be trusted again?

 

ER...FLIP THAT AROUND...DO YOU THINK SHE WILL EVER TRUST THAT YOU TRUST HER? PROBABLY NOT. THIS IS ABOUT HOW SHE SEES YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. SHE WAS THE ONE THAT LOST THE TRUST SILLY GOOSE

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson?

 

AS SOON AS YOU THINK SHE NEEDS TO 'PROVE' SOMETHING TO YOU - AND SHE THINKS THE SAME - NEVER GONNA WORK. PROVING IS A TEST - NO TESTS! THE LAST EXAM YOU BOTH FAILED.

 

Am I allowed to be a little jealous if she is flirty with another until trust is rebuilt?

 

OMG! STOP! ITS OVER BUDDY! DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE A RERUN, A SEQEUAL? CHEATERS AND DUMBASSES 2 - RETURN OF THE MISERY

 

My hearts door is closing and if it does ---no one will ever get back inside...not in this lifetime.

 

ER....U MEAN, JUST HER RIGHT?

 

Aside from counseling as it is too expensive....What advice does anyone have that we can do as a couple to get back those feelings of True Loyal Trusting Love?

 

WELL...BEFORE U CAN GET IT BACK U NEED TO HAVE IT FIRST...DOESN'T SOUND LIKE U DID

 

I want to trust her implicitly!!!!! But How can she help mend those wounds that she inflicted on top of the scars of my past? I reallly do love this woman!!!

 

ANYONE SMELL A 'BLAME GAME' HERE. SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR TRUST....THAT IS YOUR DECISION.