approaching cheating on gf w/ a married woman...

[Rm0812]

im really starting to fall into a very dark and dangerous hole....i really dont want preaching, but more suggestions/advices from people who perhaps had similar past experiences.

 

for background info, i have been "with" my g/f for 6 yrs.....all of which have been long distance. we have always went to different universities, and afterwards she moved north for a job while i decided to pursue a second degree on the west coast. we see each other over holidays back home, and here and there maybe once every anywhere from 2 to 4 months. for the most part, things work, we get along great when we see each other i guess because we know we have to put aside everything else during the short time we have together. as all couples, we argue about stupid stuff when we're on the computer or over the phone, but generally we make up quickly and move on.

 

but recently, things been deteriorating slightly. we argue more often, over more meaningless things, and takes us longer to make up, we both are getting more testy with one another. about a month ago it got to a point where she mentioned perhaps we should try "different things". but we seemed to have patched things up again and had a wonderful time together when we saw each other last week. but now onto separation probably until christmas/new years, and it feels like its just a matter of time before we argue and fight about something stupid. and she's so far ahead in her life than i am in mine, i'm still neck deep in loans, still going to school, still doing crazy boyish stuff, while she's all grown up and making big money and owns a nice house. it almost feels like i'm holding her back from what she really wants that i can't provide. but i do love her and genuinely care about her, but just really starting to question our future, or the lack there of one.

 

so then enters this girl. i met her at my work, she's there all the time, and i see her all the time. it was definitely a physical attraction at first, she's very "hot" for the lack of a more sophisticated description, she's spanish and only been in the states for about 6 months, so still strong spanish accent, which i found ridiculously "hot" (again). i didn't really try to talk to her at first as i knew it would be meaningless/unproductive. but then when things started to go south in my relationship, i started to flirt and hit on this girl. and to my astonishment, she returned the flavor.

 

so now after a couple months of this, she finally decided that we needed to talk. and i sort of had an idea what about. last night, we sat down and chatted for a few hours and everything basically came into the open. she admitted that she lives with this guy, and that she's married (though it took her a while to bring it out). i kind of had an idea from listening to other people she works with, and a silver band on her ring finger, but i wasn't sure as she never mentioned a thing up to this point. and i confirmed her assumption that i have a g/f. she wasn't too thrilled but she admitted that it made her feel less bad about not telling me about her marriage which she really sees no future in. she admitted that she married out of impulse and really doesn't like the guy anymore, especially the more she sees and knows me. we parted ways with several casual kisses on the lips and on my neck....and so it begins

 

she likes me alot and i like her alot too, but i'm confused as to what capacity. she's a really nice girl especially after a long talk and now knowing more about her, but also the suspense of a girl who i really don't know much about is definitely adding to the attraction. i know what i'm doing is selfish and morally wrong, and i know i should either stop or break it off with my g/f. HOWEVER, i'm not sure i'm ready to do the latter, we have so much history, our families, and all the other things that a 6-yr relationship have. but i'm no longer 100% convinced that it's a sure path to a life-long partnership. i know it could just be a very small kink in the chain because of the given recent events, and the bad timing of an interested lady friend that's blurring my vision. but i really want to see how each works out before i stick with one path, and it's not a fair thing to do.

 

i don't know what i'm doing, i mean i know, but then again i don't. anyone with past experience like such please share. i just need to talk about this to "someone", just not anyone that i know....

[melrich]

but i really want to see how each works out before i stick with one path, and it's not a fair thing to do.

 

You are right it is not a fair thing to do and will probably ultimately result in you losing everything because you will not be able to give yourself completely to one or the other.

 

I suggest you work out the situation with your g/f. I get that you have a lot invested here but that counts for not much if you are not sure there is a long term future.

 

All I can really recommend is that you sort that situation out one way or teh other before getting involved in something else. I'd be giving the Spanish girl the same advice.

[gattsuga]

Wow... that's a toughy. What is your attractions based on to the spanish girl? other than physical that is... do you feel the same connection (or more of a connection) with your current gf?

 

I think it all boils down to... how far are you willing to go. She is married, and in my books that's taboo. I would not want to be responsible for a divorce. My advice would be to back away from the spanish girl... and let her sort out her own feelings without you in the picture. Then if she really wants to get a divorce, it will be on her own merit.

 

With your girlfriend... it would be unfair to her if you continued the relationship while seeing another woman. If she ever found out (which i'm sure she will one day), it would scar your relationship with her forever. She deserves better than that right? You've been with her 6 years, don't you think she has the right to know if you are seeing another woman?

 

Try not to focus on the spanish girl while you are making your decision on your current gf. Focus on why you are still together, what you see in your future, and if you want to marry her.

 

I wouldn't throw away a 6 year relationship with only a few flirts and few hours of talking with a hot chick. Think before you act...

[Rm0812]

Wow... that's a toughy. What is your attractions based on to the spanish girl? other than physical that is... do you feel the same connection (or more of a connection) with your current gf?

 

sadly at this current moment, no i dont. i get excited when i see this girl, i miss her when i don't, granted we've only been friends for a few months. with my gf, it's like we've been apart/independent from one another for so long that i feel like i really don't need her physically or emotionally, and in the past she has made a similar mention. deep down i've been asking myself alot lately that have i simply grown too acustomed to our relationship? to her? that i no longer feel the excitement like a new relationship would have? i mean being thousands miles apart 320 days out of the year can't help with this "connection" you're speaking of. i'm not trying to make excuses, but time after time i ask that, i just don't have the answer, or i'm just too scared to answer them....i just don't know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is other woman is married and until she splits from her husband, she should be off limits to you. If she can cheat on her husband, how long before she would cheat on you once she gets board and chalks up her relationship with you as being "on impulse".

 

and she's so far ahead in her life than i am in mine, i'm still neck deep in loans, still going to school, still doing crazy boyish stuff, while she's all grown up and making big money and owns a nice house. it almost feels like i'm holding her back from what she really wants that i can't provide.

 

Is the fact that she is more successful than you at this point in time what is really getting to you? There are lots of men that resent it when women become more successful and it sometimes ends up with the relationship splitting up.

 

but then when things started to go south in my relationship, i started to flirt and hit on this girl.

 

When a relationship start to go downhill, a concerted effort must be made to get to the root of the problem. Flirting with other women only ends up in the predicament you now find yourself in. Right now things are exciting because this woman is mysterious and exotic. But that is not real life. Supposing you do throw caution to the wind, how long before this would become stale? You will be hurt, this woman will be hurt and your respective partners will be hurt.

 

Any long term relationship will get boring after a period of time but it is up to the two people to keep lines of communication open and to spice things up. Cheating on a partner will end up driving the last nail into the coffin and will lead to a lifetime of pain for the partner who was cheated on. Read the other posts in this forum and you will see how devastating it is. Even when partners cheat and then their is reconciliation, the trust issues will not go away so quickly. Given that you are long-distance, she will have to live with the pain of this betrayal and never knowing what you are up to. If you want to embark on the relationship with this married lady, then you should be breaking things off with your girlfriend first and not be hedging your bets in case things don't work out with the married woman.

[Rm0812]

Is the fact that she is more successful than you at this point in time what is really getting to you? There are lots of men that resent it when women become more successful and it sometimes ends up with the relationship splitting up.

 

that is definitely NOT the issue, i'm glad she's doing well, i have not a resentful feeling about the fact that she is (and probably will always be) more successful than i.

 

 

i guess another thing about this is that perhaps i've been lying to myself for a long time, so much that i deny i miss any physical (in person) attention from my g/f. i never allowed myself to feel that i need that attention, that i'm fine with this whole long distance thing, that i'm "not a woman" and i don't need the emotional/physical attention. my g/f has admitted that she's the opposite, and she needs all that, but i've always been "fine". i guess it's really snuck up on me, that i've suppressed that idea for so long, and now a girl is actually providing me with the said attention that i've subconsciously longed for a long time that i can't help but get sucked in.....

 

i dont know