The Ring

[tinysquid66]

I have been living with a man for about a year now. I am 40 and he is 42. At one point he gave me a ring and proposed to me. I said yes. We had a hughe fight and he took the ring back. It has been a week and he hasn't given it back.

 

What was the fight about?

 

His ex-GF. She has been intruding in our lives since the beginning. I told him on many occasions she wanted him and she has been trying to pry into my relationship with him many times informing me of his past. I, of course am crazy, and unjustifiably jealous.

Well............ We went to a party at her fathers' house(whom I love very much) and got into a fight about her on the way home.

I got out of the truck and he kept going. I then realized I had no money on me and was too far to walk home as I was in a bathing suit and no shoes. I got to a payphone and called his phone. He hung up on me.

MANY MANY times.

He finally turned off his cell-phone and I could not reach him anymore.

I spent the night looking for him. He finally turned on his phone the next day and said he slept in the woods.

YES DUMB BROAD(ME) BELIEVED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

I then find out 2 days later; after begging for forvigeness at making him so mad st me over my stupidity ;that he spend the night with her. He says he didnt have sex with her although they slept in the same bed.

I believe him.

The day I found out about this I was so hurt I made a date with another man. Revenge MAd Whatever I still made a date with a very nice man who has been asking me out on dates for about about 2 years and I have always turned him down. He was estatic when he heard from me. Which made me fell absolutely wonderful. I needed to feel wanted at that moment.

I told my BF about it and that he had till 5pm that day to make up his mind about what he wanted or I was going on that date. I left for the afternoon and awaited his call. He called and I cancelled my date.

He then said he needed time. He wants us to start our relationship over. I dont think one can do that. I know what I want. HIM. I love him. This is the first man in my entire life that I have actually LOVED. I have only had sex with 3 men in my life. I am very true to commitments good or bad. I was with 1 man for almost 20 years and we knew we didnt love eachother but had kids and I made a commitment to stay with him and I did faithfully. My first was a boy when I was teenager.

I'm scared to ask him why he hasn't given me the ring back. He says he loves me. Things have been great this week and he has actually treated me in a way that makes me feel like #1 in life.

Is this a fantasy? Am I being used? I am good to him. VERY. I know I am . I have a problem of being a giver. I have yelled at myself a million times for it. I Love to do things for people and make them happy. I would rather die than have someone I love Die. If a train was coming I would push someone out of the way and die if I must with no regrets. But sometimes, I want someone to feel that way about ME.

 

What am I asking?

After writing this I really don't know.

[gattsuga]

Wow. I'm sorry but this man obviously doesn't care very much of your feelings. How can you even trust him again since he's lied to you about staying at this ex-gf's house. So he goes to her house at night, and ends up just sleeping in her bed?? So this ex-gf just cordially invites this man into her bed after they haven't been dating for how many years?

 

I think you deserve way better! Someone who will treat you the way you deserve, who will push you outta the way to save your life. Don't you think you deserve someone who treats you like a queen, and doesn't sleep in the bed of his ex-gf when you two have an argument about HER?

[tinysquid66]

For a 24 yr old you are quite smart

Thank You

[NJRon]

He broke off the engagement. Why did he take the ring back? He gave it to you... you aren't the one that broke off the engagament...

 

Regardless... you aren't engaged anymore. *That* relationship has ended. It's a lot like being married and then deciding to go back to "just dating"...

 

It may be the same person, but you've only been in *this* relationship for a week. Don't you think that's a bit too soon to be thinking about marriage? Give yourself a little more time. You might change your mind.

[gattsuga]

Be strong, and read some of the experiences on this forum.. it's helped me through some difficult times. and i find just writing how you're thinking and feeling really helps sometimes.

 

just keep telling yourself you deserve better.

[flower99]

for starters, if he lied and said he slept in the woods...and you believe him! why do you think he's couldnt' be lying about sleeping with her or sex with her too? he knew you would believe whatever he said. Because you like make people happy.

 

He doesn't sound like he treats you like a queen at all. I agree with gattsuga, you do deserve better!!!! someone who values you & your opinions & WON'T SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS HIS EX AFTER AN ARGUMENT YOU TWO HAD ABOUT HER!!! thats' just wrong.

He should have been looking for you or at least turned his phone on so you two can fix things, if he valued you & your relationship he would have done that. Than YOU had to beg for forgiveness???

Really, I hope he continues to treat you good, for your sake.

But honestely I think you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him. who cherishes you. And adores you. Not one that crawls into bed with the ex after a fight (sex or no sex, it's not right) & takes the engagment ring back. That's a sign that he is not truly committed!

you sound like a wonderful person & you deserve to be treated as though you are someone precious. Because you are. He isn't doing that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree to a certain extent with gattsuga but I also see the other side of things. Both of you have behaved badly and are not communicating effectively. You are both letting anger and the heat of the moment drive your actions. The two of you got into a fight and you got out of the truck in anger (without thinking of the consequences...how would you get home). In anger he allowed you to leave and just continued on his merry way and got consolation from the woman who you have been fighting about constantly. In anger, you made a date with another man who has been after you for a couple of years and then used that as a bargaining chip with your boyfriend. I am sure the man you made a date with was quite hurt by your actions. Before you worry about getting the ring back, the two of you need to sit down and really talk about this and communicate properly rather than out of anger. You need to control your jealousy and realize he had chosen you not this other woman. The ring means nothing if you can't have a healthy relationship.

[flower99]

Also VERY TRUE!

all in all, I think the relationship has reached an unhealthy state. It will take a lot of work to fix these issues and a lot of commitment & detication from both of you to do this.

[shorty20]

not only did this guy run back to his ex when you guys were in an argument, but I think the more important fact is he LEFT YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!! I mean, what kind of man would do that? I think he has some serious disrespect issues. You should respect yourself more, and love yoruself more than to let yourself get treated this way. I would sit and have a serious chat with him... but only if you think he will give you what you want and need out of a partner. If he's going to run to his ex girlfriend every time you guys have an argumetn you might as well say your goodbyes now.

[tinysquid66]

If you had read my entire letter then you know that the ring is not important to me anymore as I stated

" What am I asking?

After writing this I really don't know"

 

As gattsuga said wtitng in this forum helps and as I wri=ote my letter I realized what I am upset about but not quite sure what to do about it. I really want to go. I want to say" GO TAKE YOUR STUFF! GET OUT OF MY LIFE" But then my heart kicks in. I made a commitment.

After writing this letter I went he casme home and I went to him and I tols him how upset I am about what happened and he basically shrugged me. I told him to take all the time he needs to figure out what he wants and that I wouldn't wait forever. Yes I know I did the "other person comes first thing" again. I guess I screwed up again didn't I ?

Can someone come get me and knock some sense into me?

[anydaynow]

He should not have lied to you or spent the night with his ex. And you should not have made a date with another man. I think your actions and his actions weren't right since it sounds like your relationship was not clearly called off yet.

 

Plus, it's a little mean to the other man (that you went on a date with) to use him because you resent your partner.

 

If you want to reconcile, you should talk about how to fight fair. It's fine to fight. It's even healthy to fight a little. It's not fine to sleep w/ exes or go on dates because of a fight.

 

This isn't really relevant, but when you say he 'took' the ring, did he ask for it and you in turn gave it to him? Or did he physically grab your hand and remove the ring? I'm just wondering because it seems weird to me to take the ring back because of a fight. I can understand taking it back if the engagement was off. But for a fight?!

[NJRon]

Just from my experience in divorce. I held onto the vows much longer than I needed too. Once the vows were broken, there really was no need to continue to honor them, as they no longer existed. However, I felt this unhealthy requirement that they were *vows*... the ultimate of unbreakable things. I still take my vows very seriously. In fact, the only time I have ever broken a vow was when the ability to honor that vow was removed from me.

 

He removed your ability to honor your commitment when he took the ring back. When he stopped offering his side of the commmitment. You are not beholden to a relationship commitment that is one sided. It is a mutual commitment. You are hanging on to a mere *idea* of a commitment.

 

I appreciate how difficult it is for you to be in the place you are. I know there is a struggle going on. You want to do the right thing. What I found, in my experience, is when you cannot do the right thing for both of you together... as in this case... you need to do the right thing for you alone.. and that will, ultimately, be the right thing for both of you... just not together.

 

While we can't come get you and probably wouldn't try to knock some sense into you if we could... We do have *this* board to offer some support (which is more effective than smacking anyway )... so keep coming...

[Heartshock]

Hello Tinysquid66,

 

 

 

Perhaps your question should be, “Is this man actually husband material?” rather than “where is my ring”

 

Is this man really going to be there for you, though sickness and in health. After all you needed him when you caught by the side of the road. You called and called and his response was to switch his phone off. You don't think that might be a metaphor to the shape of your relationship. I wonder what loving boyfriend leaves their girl on the side of the road. Could YOU do this to some-one you love. I know that disagreements can some times get out of hand. I've jumped out of a couple of cars myself in a rage, but no matter how furious my partner was, they have never left me there. Sure they've been furious when they've picked up my childish behind, but they wouldn't have slept a wink, knowing that I was wandering on the side of the road.

 

I’m sorry to tell you, but what you've outlined isn't how healthy relationships operate. The fact is, He was dis-interested in mending the fight with you. Sure, if he'd picked up, you guys would have yelled some more at each other, how ever, it would have shown that he was interested in engaging with you, and fighting this out. I'm sorry to tell he is not. He wanted to be elsewhere. His mind was elsewhere!

 

What can I tell ya, It’s been great that he’s been charming this week, yet none of the glaring issues that plague your relationship are even close to being sorted out. He wants to start your relationship over? Yet you both seem unable to address what went wrong the last time. An honest conversation is yet to take place. His ex-girlfriend looms larger than ever. He is unable to examine or admit to mistakes and certainly has no interest for making reparation for them. I ask again, Is this man husband material?

 

 

Sweetheart, can I ask you what you were apologizing for. For being left on the road? For him going back to his ex-girlfriend? For your suspicions being proved some-what true? For him taking his ring back???? Where is your anger in all of this. Why aren't you appalled and devastated by his behavior. You are doing whatever it takes to hold onto this relationship, and as time goes on, you will be required to do more and more. I understand you love him, I really do and you have waited a long time for love to come around, but IS this person good enough for you. Its leeching quite a lot of your dignity for you to remain in this relationship. How much is too much? Trying to make him jealous, trying to get the attention that you deserve. Have you taken a good look at the prize? Him as your husband. Are you quite sure this would be a happy victory??

 

You really want to win the war here?.... Haul him over the carpet. Maul his * * *. If he ditches you on the road again, he's out. If he ever stays at hers overnight, he's out. If you find out, he did sleep with her(which I suspect he did) then he's out. Make it clear that the old regime is over and you'd better mean it. As long as you hold onto him at any price, you'll find the cost going up and up.

 

Right now I think you need to find your inner B*t*h. One of two things will happen. He will jump ship, once he realises he's going to have put in some serious effort or he'll step up to the plate. Right now you don't trust him to, which is why you are not rocking the boat.

[NJRon]

find your inner B*t*h.

 

Should be repeated out loud while looking into a mirror