jdheinold Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Well, i found out today (yes it was my fault for doing so, and i feel like a goober doing so) that my ex has a new boyfriend. as this shouldn't bother me because we've been broken up for over a year now, it does, and i think its because i just don't know how to move on. i haven't heard from her for quite a while (good) and i went searching her journal (online, bad) and put all the pieces together. now i feel like crap again. i don't know how to move on. i guess i keep thinking that somehow we'll be together again, and i know its not true...she has moved on, and has not looked back. she was my first gf, and we were together for 5.5 years...she meant the world to me, and left me a year ago because she felt herself drifting away from me. i have no idea what to do. i've been attracted to other women, but i haven't got the nerve to ask for a phone number yet...i don't know how to talk to them. when my ex left me she made me feel (not on purpose) very insecure. i have no idea if people find me attractive, i turned into a social inept, not being able to talk to anyone, male or female in an effective way. the only time i've been able to talk to anyone is when i was very, very drunk, and i don't feel like thats a condition that acuratly represents me. i just have no idea what else i can do. i've done excersise, tried to get out of my house, only to prop up a bar and not talk to anyone. any helpful advice out there would be greatly appreciated, because i feel like i've hit a wall i just cannot get over. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Slap yourself in the face, take a good long look in the mirror and remember the awesome person you were and still are deep down underneath. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 I don't know, that's worked for me in the past. Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 never felt like an awesome person, just very lucky to have someone that was beautiful to me...right now i feel like those 5 years were the pinnacle of my being, and i don't know if i can achieve that kind of happiness again. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 You will, the pain can take a long time to subside. And sometimes just when you think you're healed, it all comes crashing down all over again. You're going through the healing process which is like a roller coaster. 5.5 yrs is a long time & getting over that loss will take a long time. You must learn to love you before other people can love you. I know sounds cliche, but it is so true. Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 i've heard that before, and again, i have no idea what it means. one of my good friends has repeatedly told me that, and i don't know what he's talking about. it could be hard to explain, but try maybe? i'm lost here, and i'm having those bad feelings about life again. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 never felt like an awesome person, just very lucky to have someone that was beautiful to me...right now i feel like those 5 years were the pinnacle of my being, and i don't know if i can achieve that kind of happiness again. Well with this kind of reasoning you won't be able to achieve that kind of happiness until you meet someone else, and so on, and so on. I do not think you are giving yourself enough credit as a human being. Who are you? What makes you, you? How are you different than all the other guys out there? You have 25 years of personal and individual experience under your belt that have successfully made you the unique person that you are today. Your ex did not define your existence though she helped shape it. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Well with this kind of reasoning you won't be able to achieve that kind of happiness until you meet someone else, and so on, and so on. I do not think you are giving yourself enough credit as a human being. Who are you? What makes you, you? How are you different than all the other guys out there? You have 25 years of personal and individual experience under your belt that have successfully made you the unique person that you are today. Your ex did not define your existence though she helped shape it. I am quoting myself for emphasis here, please read again. Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Well with this kind of reasoning you won't be able to achieve that kind of happiness until you meet someone else, and so on, and so on. I do not think you are giving yourself enough credit as a human being. Who are you? What makes you, you? How are you different than all the other guys out there? You have 25 years of personal and individual experience under your belt that have successfully made you the unique person that you are today. Your ex did not define your existence though she helped shape it. i don't think i bring anything special to the table when i'm presenting myself. i'm a quiet, wallfower type that has zero social skills. i really have no idea my ex even spent time with me to tell you the truth. she said it was love, and i believe her, but i don't really know why she found me worth her time for 5 years. maybe she finally realized that i didn't have anything else to offer, or that i had nothing to offer in the first place. i don't think i have anything unique about me that someone else can't do better. i'm not particularly charming, i can't hold a conversation without those awkward silences that everyone hates. i just don't know Link to comment
laboheme Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Oh, puh-lease. I know it hurts...I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of two years...and before that relationship, I also thought I wasn't anything special and would never be happy, I was also a wallflower -- hey, I still am! BUT, during my healing process (which is far from complete, I know it's going to take a long time, and it will probably take even longer for you, 5 years is a loooong relationship!) I realized that although I'm not the life of the party, I'm pretty awesome. In fact, a few times I caught myself thinking that my ex was lucky to have a girl like me in his life. Sometimes the things you offer aren't immediately obvious. A hopping social life, academic brilliance, stunning good looks, etc. probably come to mind when you think of something that a person has to offer...but there are so many more things than that. Things that you don't even know you have until they are somehow revealed. Don't limit yourself to stereotypical attractive qualities (plus, things like looks and smarts are all relative anyway!) And as far as comparing to other people...it's perfectly okay to just be "normal." In fact, a few people I know are just looking for a "nice, normal, average" guy/girl. It's not a bad thing! Plus, remember that you don't always have to have anything strikingly unique. You are unique by definition, and no one else can be YOU better than you yourself can!!! Link to comment
gattsuga Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 The first step is always the hardest. But you need to get out more, and go to social activities. Join a club or a sport team or some sort. but the best thing you can do is focus your energy on other things. And you need to regain your confidence. Confidence is very important when attracting the opposite sex. Do this gradually by approaching girls and just talking to them. I dunno why people think talking to the opposite sex is so difficult... just don't act like a creep and you'll be fine. It's a great feeling when you can make someone else smile while talking about whatever. A chapter of your life is over, it's time to write a new one... and only you can make it into a better chapter than the last. Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 well i guess i just had an epiphany...i talked to my ex not too long ago over the phone (cos one of our pets died last night) and when i talked to he i felt nothing. no desire to be with her, no desire to be near her. maybe i'm just jealous that she has moved on quicker than i? Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 i guess the silver lining in all this is that now i have to move on. i know she's with someone, and theres no hope of me being with her again. Link to comment
Midgi Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Moving on takes some people longer than others. I split up with my ex two years ago... and I am nowhere near over him. Mybe NC is the best way forward. If you are still talking to her, the attachement dont go away. Try it for 3 months or so and i promise you you will feel better. x Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 Moving on takes some people longer than others. I split up with my ex two years ago... and I am nowhere near over him. Mybe NC is the best way forward. If you are still talking to her, the attachement dont go away. Try it for 3 months or so and i promise you you will feel better. x the only reason i talk to her is for "business" reasons. i ower he a little bit of money, i inform her about pets that have passed away, and the aranging of bills. no chit chatting, and i haven't seen her for maybe 9 months...possibly longer. i can certainly see now that me finding out she is attached has helped...in a weird way. i can now accept that she won't be showing up at my door step wanting me (tho i'm sure this would never be the case anyway), and i know i won't be doing the same. i now have to move on and live a life with out her in it 100%. i think a little bit of what went down yesterday was caused by a pet dying. i've taken the time to grieve and i do feel a little bit better today Link to comment
life_of_ai Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I saw in a similar situation that you were in. I was with my ex for 3.5 years, she was everything to me and she broke up with me 5.5 months ago. She was the only person in my life and she left me for someone else. They got together 2 weeks after she broke up with me. Hes in a frat, shes in a sorority now. She says I'm her best friend, and i consider her the same, but im starting to realize that its not working. I dont know if we'll be able to be friends. Im still wondering what to do. Link to comment
richard29 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Why is it that your ex's like mine are our best friends???? Then like a rabbit out of a hat there not.... One day there talking to you the next it's over and they never want to see you or talk to you again, and if they do they lair to spare your feeling unreal. It 's been 7 weeks since i got dumped by my best friend who i could tell her anything. I wish i could understand how peoples feeling change so quick!!! When the pains gone how do i or all of us learn to trust again? I feel like i'm setting my self up for the fall again and i hate the pain. Everyday when i wake up it's there.... Link to comment
jdheinold Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 Why is it that your ex's like mine are our best friends???? Then like a rabbit out of a hat there not.... One day there talking to you the next it's over and they never want to see you or talk to you again, and if they do they lair to spare your feeling unreal. It 's been 7 weeks since i got dumped by my best friend who i could tell her anything. I wish i could understand how peoples feeling change so quick!!! When the pains gone how do i or all of us learn to trust again? I feel like i'm setting my self up for the fall again and i hate the pain. Everyday when i wake up it's there.... yeah, i'm super scared to get involved with someone new. even though i know that the next person i decide is worth my time will not be the same as my ex, it still scares me that the chance to be hurt like that again exists. for that reason i'm setting boundaries now. i won't move in with anyone till marriage. if that is a problem, too bad so sad, its my decision, and i'll move on. i will not pour my hear into someone like i did with my ex. it left me way too vulnerable, and i never want to be in that posistion ever again. its gonna take a long time for me to trust someone like i did with my ex. Link to comment
moonflowers Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 i've heard that before, and again, i have no idea what it means. one of my good friends has repeatedly told me that, and i don't know what he's talking about. it could be hard to explain, but try maybe? i'm lost here, and i'm having those bad feelings about life again. Loving yourself means knowing that you are worthy of being loved and appreciated for who you are, that you are "worthy of life." Treat yourself like you'd treat your lover - know that you deserve only the best you can get, make the wisest decisions for yourself, and tell yourself you should never be treated as second-class. It's hard to believe this self-love concept sometimes, especially if you're used to being rejected or ignored a lot in the past, but, as your experience with your ex as shown, someone could and did love you for you. The next step is to realize that other people, besides your ex, will also be able to love you or value you as a friend just the way you are, too. Don't worry about "not being cool/special/attractive" - cool is relative! For a long time I thought I was so impossibly nerdy that nobody would ever like me (I'm a female engineer and Shakespeare fanatic...). Then I found out that there were actually guys out there who were attracted to the fact that I was a well-read girl and a techie. To them, I was "cool." You probably also have special traits of yours that you find rather unremarkable but would be immensely cool to someone else. Appreciating these traits is the first step in learning to love yourself! Best wishes! Link to comment
Relax Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 You need to suggest to yourself that you are the man that women love. You can do this by writing/saying a statement several times, something like "I'm a man women love". By repeating this statement several times (100times) it will stick into your subconscious mind and then, it will go on autopilot. You will just find youself have a confident you never have before. love yourself as a man, respect yourself. Women love a man who respect himself. I can go on to show you how to be a man, women love but I want you to do this yourself go to link removed to read some articles that will help you. That is the biggest asset you will have as a man is "DON'T BE NEEDY" Women can smell that from a mile.They might no know it but they will feel unconfortable or insecured around you Wish you all the best. Link to comment
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