Relapse...Feeling Lost Again

[guy0221]

So I've been seeing this girl for about 3 weeks now. She is really a nice girl and fun to be around. She is COMPLETELY different from my exgf which I thought might be a good thing.

 

We were kissing last night and I just felt absolutely nothing. It almost made me sick. This lack of feeling just makes me think more about the AMAZING FEELING I had when I would kiss my ex. Even after we broke up, we had dinner a month later and kissed for a while afterwords. i still felt that spark then.

 

It is disheartening that I cannot feel anything for this new girl. I know she is into me and that I will now have to hurt her.

 

I made the mistake of looking at pictures of me and my ex just now. My heart dropped again and my stomach is churning at the thought of "why did this all happen???"

 

We haven't had any contact for 3 weeks now. I just feel like emailing her to tell her I still love her and will always. I know that is stupid but why shouldn't I? I was cold to her the last week before NC. I want her to know how I feel.

 

Help me realize why I should not do this........

[TheDoctor]

Hey don't worry about that, it's a completley HEALTHY feeling and reaction that your having with this new girl. It shows that your not clingy and just need someone there to kiss and be with all the time. That is exactly the way most people feel when theyre fresh off a breakup. About 2 years ago I broke up with my other ex of 2 years and I went out on a date with the most beautiful girl I could have asked for and we ended up making out and I had no fun. I felt the same thing you felt but I realized that I'm sure theres a normal reason on why that is.

 

As far as contacting her goes, I'm not exactly sure what happened with you two so I hope Im not promoting a bad behavior but I don't see why you shouldn't contact her. I don't believe in absoultley 'No Contact' as I've been there 2 times ( I didnt talk to my first 2 ex's for 8 months, not a single email or word) and right now I'm doing a contact thing with my current ex. The times where theres no contact at all is the worst feeling in the world, it gets overwhelming. It helps so much just to give a call from time to time just to let them know. But you have to tell the difference between calling them everytime you feel down and just on occasion when it gets too overwhelming.

 

From a guys perspective, I'd have to say letting her know how much you cared for her is quite a common thing for us to do after a break up. So I can see why you would wanna contact her. I think it's UNECCESARY to just break up with someone and bottle up all those emotions you have. I think NC is for people who are either very strong and are sure they are through with that person or more commanly for people who are emotionally weak and unstable and who need to complteley get out of that environment. Just talk, soon enough you'll see that person from a different perspective and that is what'll make you want to push yourself away from her.

[guy0221]

Thanks for that reply. I am going to seriously consider your recommendations. If you're interested, my situation is summed up in the first couple posts of the following thread.

 

 

 

I consider myself in the "very strong" category...usually...but with her, I have no control over my emotions. I still don't know how to deal with that. Sigh. I miss her love so much.

[TheDoctor]

Yes contact her, it's obvious you both have closure to deal with. This is the HUGE PROBLEM with no contact. You become so consumed by it, everyday you wake up and remember how many months/weeks it's been since you've last talked. You become more and more bitter and you just hate life for not throwing something your way so you don't need to make the initiative on the contact part. The reality is, you have feelings you have to let her know and she has to hear you out. I also think she has things to say to you as well, in my experience women are way too scared to initiate the contact but they're so glad when you do so. I'm sure other members will recommend No Contact and they've got their good points. However, a few of my very good and mature friends that I look up to have broken up with girls they've been with for years and just kept contact and gradually broke up.

 

My friend Tim who is a psych. major has done no contact before and he did a contact breakup as well about 5 months ago and he was amazed at the difference emotionally on what it did for him. Yes, there are times you'll be mad and argue with one another but it really helps to ween yourself off someone. Cold turkey is very hard and it scars you about future relationships too! The hurt is so bad when you get with someone you just dont wanna deal with it again so you start messing up. Hope this helps...

[shellshocked]

hey guy!

 

no offense, but are you sure YOU'RE not a lesbian...

because i think you're TOTALLY addicted to drama!! :splat:

 

and if that's what you want, then go ahead and send the

email. cause you're gonna find yourself right back in

that drama-filled quagmire...

 

but, if you want to be a man.

one that shows people he means what he says.

and stands up and shows people he KNOWS how

he deserves to be treated and won't take anything

less then...DON'T SEND THE EMAIL!!!

 

do you really think she doesn't know how you feel?

i mean...really?

 

after the great night out you had with her...

the dinner...the making out...

do you think she went home that night and thought,

"hmmmm...i wonder if guy still wants to be with me..?"

 

and after that night, you went away for the weekend,

expecting to hear some good and positive things from

her when you got back....

and DID you? NO!

 

don't you think that after that amazing night, IF she

would have wanted to be with you that there would

have been NOTHING to stand in her way of coming

back to you...of her thinking, "OHMYGOD! i almost

blew this!!!" and her doing EVERYTHING in her power

to show you how much she wants to be with you?

 

did you get any of that, guy? NO!

 

so do you R E A L L Y think that you sending an

email now...telling her how much you love her...

is going to make her change anything?

 

i KNOW trying to be with someone new when

you're not over the ex SUCKS!

i KNOW that nauseous feeling when you kiss

someone else makes you miss the ex MORE!

i KNOW that this means you're just not ready

for a new relationship yet.

i KNOW that it does NOT mean to write an email

to the ex and tell her that you love her!!!!

 

it means stop.

re-group.

push yourself to have fun being single.

hang out with your friends.

and eventually...if you don't try to force things..

you're going to be out...hanging with your friends...

having a blast...and suddenly..

you're going to meet someone that BLOWS YOU AWAY!

 

don't blow your progess....

[guy0221]

Shell, you're always good for a slap in the face...I appreciate that. You're right anyway, I'm just trying to talk myself into calling/emailing her. It's not going to help either of us.

 

I want you to read the last things I said to her via email. I regret one thing and that is that I never told her I loved her again after she told me she still did. I guess she doesn't deserve it. Please read below and let me know your thoughts everyone. Thanks.

 

 

Is anything missing here? Aren't my cards out on the table? I do wish I would've told her I still loved her...I guess it's too late.

[shellshocked]

Guy,

 

She k n o w s you love her.

Trust me...she knows.

She knows by your actions...your words...your everything!

 

But if we can't be together, then I'm afraid I cannot be around for you. As much as it hurts, I cannot be your 'friend'.

 

And here^ you TOLD her everything.

 

"If we can't be together...it hurts, but I can't be your friend."

 

And she understands what you meant by this.

And with that understanding, she didn't run to phone

and say, "Guy, wait! I don't want to be just friends either.

I messed up....I love you...Let's work this out.."

 

So, I'm sad to say....I think you have your answer...

 

You have to let her go.

 

Check out this:

 

 

it's AMAZING!!!

[guy0221]

I am feeling alot better today. I will go days at a time without really thinking about her that much. Then I have days like the past two where I miss her so much and want to reach out to her.

 

Days like today I would say, "Eh, I'm over her". I know that I am not because of how I felt yesterday.

 

I guess what I am hoping for is that someday I won't have to fight these battles with myself anymore. When will the last relapse occur? Maybe this was it? Maybe not. I just hope that they will eventually end.

 

So when they end, is that when you are healed? How do I know I won't become a blabbering mess sometime in the future because of her? How will I know when I'm truly moving on?

[LONESOUL]

I can relate to all of this too. I am on that roller coaster as well right now. i thought I was doing much better (and I am, I know I am) But for some

reason yestaerday and today it whacked me in the face too. I want to call

her, I want to reach out. And why? It would only get me so so very hurt

all over again.

Good advise Ellie2006, maybe I just need to tell myself to expect the sadness from time to time that way i won't be so caught off guard. I just want the

sadness to end completely and I get upset when it returns.