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cheated by bf----please help


Mimi123
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I am having an affair with my bf for the last 3 years. We live in two different states. We talk over the phone regularly and meet up once every 2/3 months for about 3/4 days every time. Both of us had a previous affair and we both knew about it. My bf appeared to be a generous and kind person in general. He showers me with gifts and also paid for my airtrips to his place sometimes. However he has a short temper and loves to argue.

When I asked him how he broke up with his ex gf he said he will tell me some other time. There was something about my bf that made me think that he was hiding something (it was just a suspicion). About an year ago I again asked him about it as I thought we should have enough comfort level by now to talk about everything. He said he didn't want to tell me about it because he had an affair with his first cousin since they were 13/14 years old. When they were about 20 years old their parents came to know about it and objected it. His cousin(lover) later apparently had an affair with her classmate and broke up with him. That incident devasted him and he did not have any contact with her for the last 7/8 years. His ex-gf now has a 10 year old son and living with her husband in a different country.

I was not comfortable with the fact that he hid about his affair with his first cousin (as it was not acceptable in my society). However, i forgave him because he was honest about it though after 2 years of our relationship.

Last March (of this year) he came to visit me and we had great time. My bf and I share lot of common interests so we both do lot of activities together (like photography of nature etc). At night while I was asleep, i suddenly got awake and found him writing text messages on his cell phone. When i asked what he was doing he said 'nothing' and asked me to go back to sleep. The next morning I checked his messages on his cell and found a message that was sent by someone with just first initial of a name. The message was just like 'how are you, what are you doing'--nothing to be suspicious. So i didn't confront my bf.

This April I went to visit my bf for his birthday. We were getting ready for his b'day dinner and I went to check my email before leaving. My bf had not signed out from his email account and I checked his account when i found a birthday card send by a female who he never talked about (since i know most of his friends). I didn't say anything because it was his birthday and I didn't want to spoil his dinner. Next day I confronted him and he said he is sorry but there were certain developments about his ex girl friend and he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want to lose me.

His girl friend contacted him last December and said that she wanted to say a lot of things about her affair with him. Their parents were against their marriage and she was under lot of pressure. She hurted him purposely so that he will feel bad and keep her away and all the problems related to marriage will be solved. So apparently she sacrificed her love for my bf because of her family. She also told my bf that she has done a lot for her present husband, paid for her husband's advanced education but now she feels that her husband is neglecting her. So she felt lonely and wanted to talk to my bf.

My bf told me that he became very sympathetic and felt bad for her but he also said that he told his ex that now he has a gf and and he cannot have any extra marital relationship with her ( i don't know if this is true or not). I told him that if he is honest why did he have to hide all this from me. He said because it would have hurted me and that in the future he was planning to tell me (the usual excuse). I felt devasted and didn't know what to do but i still forgave him because i know that it was his ex and not him who first contacted. My bf promised me that next time if she tries to contact him he will let me know.

My bf asked me about our marriage (our parents knows about our affair but not about the present developments) and I was contemplating about it. Since I am gradutaing and looking for a job I thought I would like to move to his state. This month we met up again and went to visit a place. I checked his text messages again and found a very seductive message beside other emotional messages from his ex-gf. I was shattered. I confronted him immediately. He told me that he didn't the seductive message and it is not his fault that she is sending those messages. I told him that she can send messages like that only if he is indulging her. He said that he calls her up because she is depressed that her husband does not take care of her anymore and that she wanted to hear his voice and there is nothing wrong in cheering her up. He was helping her rebuild her relationship with her husband. His ex told him that her husband is changing and her relationship is getting better. I said that her seductive messages came last July (just a month back). He said he didn't see that message so exactly I wanted to know when has she started rebuilding her relationship with her husband. I was so mad that I started saying terrible things about his ex-gf in the airport and came back to my place. He told me the next day (last week) to think over things and to let him know whether i want to be in a relationship with him or not by the end of this month. I didn't call him back and i am trying to recover and I really don't know what to do. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

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To southerngirl,

Yes the ex-gf is his first cousin. He said that if I marry him then he will call his ex in front of me and ask her to stop calling. He assured me that I don't have to feel that there is any competition going on here. He is merely helping someone come out of distress. The problem is I know what the ex has written but not what he has written to her. Another thing is he is supportive of women in general. I don't know whether to believe him or not. I am just feeling too insecured and the fact that he kept hidding facts and lied twice makes me more insecure. When I told him that I will call his ex gf or her husband (because i was really mad that I was cheated like this) he said she is depressed so 'don't punish her , punish me if you want'.

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If he is being dishonest what trust is there left? Without trust what kind of relationship is left?

 

Point about it being his cousin is that she will allways be in his life. There will allways be the chance there that he will repeat this.

 

So he is saying that if you dont marry him he will not tell her to back off? Thats unfair to put that kind of pressure on you. Hon, you only live once, this isnt a test run. If he isnt honest with you and doesnt enrich your life, its time to end the relationship. Hard as that may be and as hard as that is to hear.

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So his ex-gf is his 1st cousin? okay, putting aside that it's gross and disturbing... there's a lot of trust issues in this relationship. I'm actually surprised he wasn't furious that you checked his emails/cell messages... and that you continue to do so. I can see where you're coming from... if you didn't check his messages, then you may have never known about this situation. Now that you know, things have become quite volitile.

 

Do you trust your bf? Do you think he would cheat on you again with his 1st cousin, who is married btw... ? You know him better than I do. It isn't right to spy on his messages, and throw it in his face. But of course he is wrong for hiding things from you. Are you wanting to deal with this? Do you want to stay with him, even though he has secret messages with his ex?

 

how much are you willing to tolerate before calling it quits? If he can't respect you enough to end contact with his ex-gf, then I don't think you have much choice but to end things.. but that's only me. i would stand up to him, and tell him to stop any further messages with her if he respected you. If he doesn't, then he cares more about his ex-gf than you i'm afraid.

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@ gattsuga,

We have met several times before this March for the last 3 years but never bothered to check either his text messages or his email (which i chanced upon because I don't know his password and he didn't sign out).

 

As i wrote in my first post, i checked his text message because he was messaging very late in the night when i was asleep (and when he should be too) and he just tried to avoid the issue in a suspicious way and said he was replying to his nephew (i didn't mention this part in the text). He kept repeating this story. Initially I thought that I was blaming him for nothing. So i had checked it again to confirm.

He does say that he will ask his ex to stop calling him and have already been avoiding her by saying that he is busy etc. and asked her to rebuild her relation with her husband, I don't know whether to believe him or not because the seductive messages were sent end of July and he said he didn't see it because messages don't appear all the time. Infact when I confronted him earlier this month after reading the messages, initially he confirmed that they were in touch but was surprised that such a seductive message was sent to him. Later he said he called his ex and asked why she sent such a message and she said it was wrong on her part to have sent it to her. Now all of this has been told by my bf and I don't know whether to believe him or not unless i talk to his ex. Now that will not be respecting him. So i feel helpless.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i think you should definitely clear this up before deciding to proceed or not. Get him into a room and call the ex on speakerphone. Ask her directly, in front of him, what the status of their relationship is. Sounds like he still cares for her, which is natural, i mean after all, they were once involved and wants to be there for her as a friend. Guys are quite insensitive, so he probably doesn't even realize he's hurting you by keeping in touch with her. If the ex says that they are currently more than friends, then you have your answer. If she backs up his story that they're platonic, then at this point your bf should come in and tell her not to contact him anymore (whether or not you get married!). Both of them should understand the situation, after all, how would your bf feel if you're providing a shoulder to cry on for your ex! After that, have a long talk with him and make it clear to him that he has to be honest with you about everything, even on matters that will upset you. Slowly build up the trust from there. I think you guys still have hope!

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To confusedcheryl,

Thanks for your advice. The problem is that my bf and I live in different states in US and he is going on a vacation to see his parents in a different country towards the end of this month. Before that it is hard for us to meet. He called me up today and said that we should forget what has happened in the past. He also said that his ex gf was in genuine need of help since she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (because her parents and husband was neglecting her). He did not reveal this to me because I would be upset and he feared that I may leave him. He said he is going to ask his ex gf not to call her again and will let me know if she calls again. He also wants me to commit to me for marriage. I am in such a mental state that I don't know what to do. Since we do not talk face to face it's even harder. I don't know where to go from here.

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