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Angry Exes?


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Had a thought regarding exes. My ex made it clear that I was more into her than the other way around, did the whole "we were just friends" thing, FWBenefits, yada yada. We have been NC for five months after she hung the phone up on me. We weren't intimate w/each other for about a yr when this happened and really weren't together. I call her my ex bec we had gone from some kind of weird relationship that wasn't really a real one to friends/emotional support, attractive doormat...... you get it!

 

I've worker really hard to move on, meet new ppl, take the advice enotaloners give. Lately I've been feeling better about myself. Yet all this time, I've heard thru the grapevine that periodically she'll say crappy things about me to ppl, do the "eye roll" if my name comes up, like she has to say stuff to convince herself we were nothing more than friends. It comes accross as someone who is really angry. Why are dumpers angry at exes like this? I realize every rel is so different, but what do others on the board think? Have you ever had an ex you had a significant rel. with that dumps you, but then turns around & has crappy things to say about you?

 

I don't get it....they don't want you, you go on, and then they still have to get that "dig" in....in my case, she got what she wanted. She can go get drunk/party her life away, just as she wants to...I'm not bothering her, haven't called once, nothing. Her bday was recently, and she asked someone if I remembered it. After it came and went, which i didnt acknowledge, i heard a couple comments she made to ppl.....i think the recent anger comes from that, but i've heard of it before.

 

Why do they get so angry when they got what they wanted?

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OK, I have two things to add here:

 

1) I don't think it is really "right" (if that term applies here) to categorize or label people as "exes". You probably shared a lot of yourself and your life with this person and whether the final outcome was good, bad, or ugly, your life is special and this person played a role in it and added to it in some way, through good times, incredible intimacy, smiles, laughs, tears, showing you what you want, or showing you what you don't want, exposing you to new things, showing you something about yourself. Maybe you were cheated on, lied to, hurt like you've never been hurt before. This is only going to make your relationship with a person who is truly right for you all the more fulfilling and special. Each of your "exes" is a very special person and each is separate. I don't think it's fair to generalize as you have done in your post...

 

2) I have shifted my focus away from trying to figure out what other people are doing, why they are doing it, etc. and shifted it towards figuring out what I am doing. Life is complicated enough...and after I've got myself all figured out...I'll start trying to figure out everyone else...

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well, if she dumped you and you did nothing to hurt her in return, then she's a jerk, first of all. but she's probably doing it because in blaming YOU or being mad at YOU, she doesn't have to feel guilty about breaking it off with you. if she makes you into a person she doesn't care about, then she doesn't have to feel badly about herself.

 

but the others are right, the psychoanalyzing doesn't get you anywhere. i think you should take into account how mean she is being about you and write it down on the list of all the reasons why you don't want to be with her anyway.

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thanks, everyone, you're all right.....here lately i've been working really hard on myself, haven't been involved w/anyone in a long time so i can be my own work of progress instead of living thru someone else. That in itself feels good. I'm proud of moving on. The one thing I'm not proud of is the psychoanalyzing I still do from time to time. It's somewhat less now, but still there.

 

Hopefully I'll just keep going on. I think it set me back when I heard she had dogged me to different ppl. It hurts, but I'm trying to just go on.

 

And to answer Joyce.....I guess it's accurate that she "dumped" me....I stood by her when no one else did, through two illnesses she suffered, and her ex prior to me left HER when she was diagnosed w/her illnesss.

I have to maintain that there are good ppl out there who appreciate loyalty.....EXperience makes us stronger!

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