ILFgal45 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We lived in the same city for about 8 months before he left for college and we were in a long distance relationship for 2 years after that. Then I went to the same college and we have been back together geographically for just over a year. During the long distance relationship part, I trusted him and did not have any reason to believe that he would cheat on me, yet it still made me a little nervous whenever he would go out drinking at parties with friends and stuff. Then, I went to visit him during his 2nd year at college, and happened accross tons of text messages to another girl whom I'd never met. Some of the messages from her said things like "okay my roommate is gone, come over now" and "what time did you want to go to the movie?" There were more messages from her on his phone than from me! I was horrified and confronted him about it. He said that honestly absolutely nothing was going on and he would never dream of cheating on me. He said he just was friends with her because they were both athletes at the university. I was still a little worried though. During the same trip, I found lots of pornography on his computer. He'd never needed to use it before when we lived in the same city, but he lied to me about it when I confronted him (this problem has not been solved as you can read in another post of mine...). I went back to my hometown and did my best to trust him. When I first began my college experience with him, we were at a party together and having a great time. We somehow got to talking about the whole situation with the girl who'd sent him all those messages. He finally admitted to me that she had tried to hook up with him after a party the year before, but he rejected her and said he told her he loved me and didn't want to damage our relationship. But the fact that he never told me about this hurt me the most. I forgave him for lying about it eventually and felt better now because we were together. In the spring of this year, I once again stumbled accross several text messages from him to a different girl and there were also many that she'd sent him. I was shocked and hurt once again, and I was very suspicious. He told me he met her in a bar in our hometown over Christmas break but they were just talking because they were from the same town and coincidentally went to the same university (she had already graduated). One message I saw was from my boyfriend to his roommate, saying "Hooking up with _____, gotta go" (insert the name of other girl in the blank....) He said it was a joke because his roommate would never believe he was with anyone but me. My good friend tracked her down and confronted the girl (without telling me) on instant messanger and talked to her about what was going on between them. She told him that they hadn't hooked up or anything, but that she did NOT know that he had a girlfriend. So basically my boyfriend met her in a bar, got her number and somehow *forgot* to mention that he had a serious girlfriend of over 3 years... My boyfriend also started going out to bars more with his friends, and not with me (he is 21 and I'm not). When I told him how uncomfortable it made me, he started lying to me about it. He would tell me, for example, that he was just staying home for the night, but I would later find out through friends' photos that he'd actually gone out drinking and danced with other girls (which bothered me because "dancing" at clubs these days is totally just simulated sex) and lied to me about it. He has done this on several occasions this year and never once came clean, I had to find out about it and confront him. He said he lies about going out drinking because he doesn't want me to worry. Just a couple weeks ago, he went to a strip club with his friends (also another post about this issue), which he told me about in advance but I was extremely against. I asked him not to go, but he did anyway. He DID however lie to me about the outcome, telling me he didn't enjoy it and felt uncomfortable, and yet I later found out he got up on stage and had two naked women spank him along with all the lap dances they all got. And, he still lies to me about using pornography to top it all off. After the strip club incident I have been thinking seriously of breaking up with him. We had a great week together last week and had a lot of fun together and didn't fight at all, but over the weekend I couldn't help but think about all the crap I have had to put up with. Sometimes I feel like I will get over all of this and we will be fine again, and other times I feel like I will never be able to trust him and I have to keep tabs on everything he does all the time in order to protect myself from feeling completely betrayed again. If you are reading this and asking, why haven't you dumped this jerk already?! The answer is because I love him and feel like somehow he will be able to change. I don't want to throw away 4 years of an otherwise great relationship because of certain instances that stand out, you know? So please give me any advice you have, I'm desperate. Thanks in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 This guy sounds SHADY. Do yourself a favor and dump him immediately!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Not to sound cold or harsh but please read what you have written in your post, any sensible self-loving person would take all this information and translate it into the simple and sad fact that this guy is a total two-faced creep. Sorry but you soooooooooo deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 It's only going to get worse so you may as well get the pain out the way now. I get that you are in love with him. I get that you are pointing out the worst of him here. I get that you have 4 years invested. But you can't change the fact that your b/f is not averse to screwing around, lying and generally ensuring he has a good time regardless of the feelings of others. If he takes you this much for granted after 4 years what is it going to be like after 10 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 It's only going to get worse so you may as well get the pain out the way now. I get that you are in love with him. I get that you are pointing out the worst of him here. I get that you have 4 years invested. But you can't change the fact that your b/f is not averse to screwing around, lying and generally ensuring he has a good time regardless of the feelings of others. If he takes you this much for granted after 4 years what is it going to be like after 10 years? Great, and valid point. Better now than later. If you continue with this relationship, it will only get worse, in ALL respects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justpaisley Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Seriously, girl, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve a boyfriend who will respect your wishes and not be as shady as this guy. If you think you love someone who treats you the way this guy does, think about how great you'll feel with someone who treats you with respect, dignity, honesty, and faithfulness? I think you should really move on before you're hurt any more by this guy's actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 yeah, big red flags everywhere! I agree with melrich's post. everywhere you turn, there's another text message and lame excuse covering it up if your best friend were in your shoes, what would you tell her to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Uffff, this sounds bad. I mean stripers, lap dances.... blaah... And these messagges - even if he didn't cheat on you I bet he really enjoys flirting and walking on that fine line between not physically cheating but getting excited with serious flirting. This is what I see objectivly in your situation. And the fact he's lying. What should you do? I have no idea. It depends on how much this situation hurts you. Annie said wery good point: if you were advising someone else about your situation what would you say to that person? This is your answer to your situation. Good luck. p.s. you're both still jung - so thinking about 4 years invested in this relationship is simply wrong. It is just a part of growing and learning process - don't think that you have to get married to that guy or stay with him forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedQueen Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Seriously, girl, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve a boyfriend who will respect your wishes and not be as shady as this guy. If you think you love someone who treats you the way this guy does, think about how great you'll feel with someone who treats you with respect, dignity, honesty, and faithfulness? I think you should really move on before you're hurt any more by this guy's actions. Great post, very insightful. I agree fully! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 They say love is blind... that must be true because you have seriously put the blinders on in this case. There are red flags gallore all over this situation, and you are trying to spin everything and say well maybe its this, maybe its that. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck... get the point?? nobody would say "im hooking up with so and so gotta run" if they werent. You pretty much caught him there. Not to mention the fact that he continually lies to you, and doesnt have any respect for your feelings. Dump him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILFgal45 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 I should mention that I am a very jealous person just in general, and my self esteem has been pretty low for many years. I am just now able to see that he has been treating me like crap for a long time and that I deserve better, but a part of me wants to make damn sure that I won't ever be able to trust him before I end something that was, other than the lying, a wonderful part of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Good luck with whatever you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayar Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 He's not into you. Cut him loose, and count your blessings it is ONLY 4 years you have invested. Otherwise when you finally do cut him loose (or he cuts you loose) it could be longer... In any case, you're not in love with this guy. You are in love with what you WANT him to be. But HE is a lying cheating jerk who doesn't care about you.... You don't love that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I should mention that I am a very jealous person just in general, and my self esteem has been pretty low for many years. I am just now able to see that he has been treating me like crap for a long time and that I deserve better, but a part of me wants to make damn sure that I won't ever be able to trust him before I end something that was, other than the lying, a wonderful part of my life. Lying is not something insignificant that should be ignored and I must say that I am a person who never forgives lying (those benevolent white lies are not the subject here, of course) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunnylove Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 This guy is showing you who he is OVER AND OVER. I dont really think your listening to him. He lies to you constantly, telling you he didnt tell you he went to the bar because he didnt want you to worry (come on, seriously????), and then the strippers, and the college girls "come over my roomates gone", Do you think they played scrabble? I understand loving him a lot investing 4 years. Why not make it worse and invest 10 more? Throw a couple kids in there too. Im not trying to cut you down i just think you should get out now, free your fabulous self from that garbage and go out with the gals and hang out with your family until your ready to date again. Yeah itll hurt and youll be sad, for a while, but once you get past that and see clearly, you wont even believe that you stayed with him that long (honestly, you wont). I think he had a great old time at college with the chicks he hooked up with, and hes having a great old time at the bars with other women while your at home thinking hes at home. And he still has you, old faithful to fall back on if he doesnt score. He knows exactly what hes doing and knows what he can get away with, because your taking it and staying with him. i suggest reading "Its called a breakup because its broken.". Helped me when i went through the same kinda stuff. He sounds like my ex who told me that the reason there was less condoms in his drawer was because he used them to masturbate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedcheryl Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 hi..i'm in the exact same position as you now and i've come to this site hoping to get some answers. but, most of the replies i get are very textbook. basically, everyone tells you to get rid of the guy cause honestly it's the most obvious thing to do. no offense to those who've replied to my post. but i know how you're feeling, and of course you know that dumping him is the mentally right thing to do...but in your heart you just know that there's still hope. so honestly, you know your guy the best...you have to trust your heart and be the one to decide if he's worth it or not. i know my post doesn't really help you solve anything...but i was in the same position and i felt quite frustrated reading replies that told me point blank to just dump him. but i felt that no one really understood how i felt. so i'm just here to tell you that i understand how you feel and what you're going through. and although sometimes it feels like you're the most unlucky girl in the world and that you're all alone...know that there's many ppl out there who are dealing with much worse things. maybe sometimes it's good stop and smell the roses, enjoy the sunrise etc. focus of the more positive things in your life. we'll get through this...i promise! =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I looked back at your old post and saw a lot of red flags there too! I think you just can't keep ignoring red flags. yeah, a guy can be great in so many ways, but if he is sneaking around on you (or in your case, cheated on you with his 17 year old student, and lied to you about keeping in contact with her) it's time to DTMFA!!!! Ultimately, you are the one in the relationship and only you know what you will and won't put up with. Just.... don't you think you deserve better than to be lied to and cheated on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedcheryl Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 I totally understand where you're coming from. In fact, if someone wrote a post exactly like mine, i'll tell her to run as fast as she can as well. But then again, it's different when you the person dealing with it. There's soo much more to think about rather than the plain facts you read in the post. I'm not telling her to put up with whatever he's dishing out...i'm just saying, i'm in the same position, and i've come to this site for a shoulder to cry on and ultimately i've realized that no one else can make the decision except for me. I just wanted someone to listen, not judge. That's just the way i feel, hope i don't offend anyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedcheryl Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 In any case...i've finally broken it off with my bf. Hope i don't regret it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
totally depressed n confus Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 I was in a relationship something like this for over 2 years and moved to Florida THREE times for the jerk and he NEVER changed. I hate to say it but it seems once a guy gets away with something he feels he can keep doing it. I don't think he has enough respect for u or ur feelings or even ur relationship. I should do urself a favor n leave him. I KNOW its hard and that u love him but u deserve someone with all the same qualities u bring to a relationship. And if he hasnt changed by now, he probably never will!!! If u had a friend who was going through this situation or a sister I KNOW u would tell her the same thing. U definitely deserve better and someone who u can trust. A relationship with no trust is no relationship at all. I promise u that it will always b in the back of ur mind n if u catch him in a few lies.........think about everything he lied about u didnt catch him in. I wouldnt believe him for a second and especially about not hookig up with girls. After we broke up u should hear the things my ex said to me. I found out he cheated on me with over THREE girls n i had no idea. I was in the almost exact situation and I know how u feel. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take my advice and leave him!!! As soon as possible. Its hard at first but time will make it better and u will feel and do a lot better n b happier. Trust me..........its been only 2 months and I can see a big difference in myself already. U will too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I would have to agree... DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!! Listen.... I have some experience..... I am married now.... I have been with him for 6.5 years... married for 4 months... There were so many things in the past that my husband lied to me about... now I have never found crazy text messages or emails ... but my husband had email accounts that I didnt know about.... had himself on a dating website..... he broke up with me for about 3 weeks, on 3 separate occations... the very first time he WAS hanging out with a chick... he said they were just friends.... the list could go on and on..... For 9 months we had been planning my DREAM wedding... then in February he breaks my heart and cancels my wedding.... 3 weeks later he was back and apologizing, being the most perfect man..... so.... we got married... it wasnt the big dream wedding obviously (cancelled)... we had a little civil ceremony... My point is.. as much as I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him... I live each day suspicious of his every move... I have turned into such a paranoid FREAK! I was fine with everything and had forgiven him, and trusted him until about a month after getting married... nothing he did made things changed... Thats right abotu when I moved in with him... (military, so we couldnt get military housing until all the paperwork went through).... Its not a great way to live... I just wish this paranoia would stop... my advice... while you are still young... get out.... You will be SOOOO much happier with someone else.. BELIEVE ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessJOA Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 are you serious man???? i mean have you read what you posted?? read it again! Sounds like this person you're dating is a *tuttttt* Its fine if he lied to you once, but to make it as a routine??? ILF you can do better than that girl! He does NOT deserve you and you definitely shouldnt put up with his crap. Dont let him lie to you again, cuz you know you dont need a person like that in your life. Dont let him make a fool out of you.... you're a tough chick and like rodeo said, you deserve wayyyyyyyyyyyy much moreeeee + 1 x 10000 better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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