Do the Negatives Outweigh the Positives?

[sportsbunny]

Hey everyone. Before you start to read, let me apologize for the length. But, I am in a very hard to read situation. I am head over heels in love with one of my closest friends. She, as far as I'm aware, has no idea. I also don't know if she's gay, bi-sexual, or straight. We've known each other for about 4 years, but just recently became very close. Last year at this time we were inseperable. We did everything together. We went out to dinner at least once or twice a week. Over the past 6 months or so, things have gone downhill. She started acting really distant and short with me. It continued over the summer. It was so drastic that we didn't hang out once. We are back at school now and things have improved slightly. She seems to have major mood swings--- but only with me (not with other people). One day she will be short with me (never mean or rude though), and the next she will be friendly. I don't know how to read her anymore. At first I thought that it had to be something that I was doing. But I haven't changed or done anything differently around her.

 

Some reasons why I believe she might like me back

• She holds eye contact almost uncomfortably long.
  
• If we're in a situation (a meeting, for example) where there are others around, I'll catch her looking at me, and then she'll immediately look away or smile.
  
• If we're in a situation that's casual (dinner, for example) with other people, whenever she tells a joke or is even laughing at someone else, she'll look at me. Almost checking to see if I'm laughing or to share her laughter with me.
  
• Her face seems to brighten up a lot of times when she looks at me.
  
• She plays with her hair and fidgets sometimes when we're together.
  
• One more than one occasion, she joked (?) about us being lesbian moms, having kids, and being a couple.
  
• Physical contact doesn't happen often with us, but when it does, it's intense. Some examples: We were looking at photos on my digital camera and she came up and wrapped her arm right arm around my left arm, and held onto my hand. Another time that we were looking at my camera, she held onto my hand to look. We were rolling out pizza dough once and I had to hold the table cloth down. My hand (the palm) was against the table and the back of my hand was on her *very* upper thigh. She didn't move or seem uncomfortable at all--- it was there for at least 3 or 4 minutes. We've also shared a few bear hugs.
  
• I've met her whole family, when others that were around were not introduced.
  
• She mimicks some things I say and the way I say them. She thinks the way I say certain words is cute.
  
• She's told me things that she's never told anyone else.
  
• When we sit by each other, we're usually thigh to thigh.

The Negatives

• I feel like recently I have been going out of my way to talk to her.
  
• The mood swings; it's almost like there's two of her.
  
• She can walk right by me and not say a word, or even acknowledge my presense.
  
• She keeps blowing off my invites to dinner or to just hang out.
  
• It seems like she's avoiding me.
  
• When we do talk, it's always rushed and she seems uninterested.
  
• She talks about guys quite a bit.

Sorry for the length, but I thought that might help clear things up a little bit. So I'm guessing my question is, how would you read this? I know that I need to talk to her, it's just hard when I don't get time with her anymore. I plan on talking to her ASAP, I would just kind of like to get a reading to see what I'm up against.

 

Thanks!

[melrich]

I don't think anyone can give you the answer you want. You are right, you'll have to talk to her.

 

My guess, for what it is worth... she's not interested in a romantic relationship.

[igoturhey-oh]

hate to sound negative but you have to maybe acknowledge that it all might be in your head. the only way to really know is to ask her, or make a move. either one! tough situation.

 

and im sure you notice her everytime she walks in the room, how can you stand walking right in front of her and her not acknowledging you. just some perspective.

[sonjam]

I think the best thing to do is talk to her, by the way, does she know you are L? Or is this just a one time crush thing?

[buddafleye]

I've been in soooo many situations where I'm like, "Is she? Does she?", but I'm no expert by any means.

 

From the list of positives and negatives you listed, it sounds to me, in my personal opinion, like she is just interested in friendship.

 

Then again, I don't know either of you or your entire situation, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

I would suggest trying to ask her about it, but I know how difficult that is.

[sportsbunny]

Thanks for your replies! Okay, so the general conclusion is that she just likes me as a friend. I can accept that, but then WHY IS SHE ACTING LIKE THAT?!?! lol

[buddafleye]

Some reasons why I believe she might like me back

 

She holds eye contact almost uncomfortably long.

 

Some people are like that. I had a friend who would stare you straight in the eye for entire conversations and it made me really uncomfortable.

 

If we're in a situation (a meeting, for example) where there are others around, I'll catch her looking at me, and then she'll immediately look away or smile.

 

She could be thinking about something she wants to tell you... judging your reaction to something that's being said... I dunno... I always look at my friends when we're in a room together and I don't mean it in a sexual way. It's true that when someone has a crush on you, you'll generally find them staring at you from accross the room, but it's not true in all cases. Does she blush when you catch her looking at you?

 

 

If we're in a situation that's casual (dinner, for example) with other people, whenever she tells a joke or is even laughing at someone else, she'll look at me. Almost checking to see if I'm laughing or to share her laughter with me.

 

I aaalways try to make my friends laugh. She's probably just trying to make sure you're having fun. I also sometimes judge when it's appropriate to laugh by watching other people's expressions and making sure they find it funny as well.

 

Her face seems to brighten up a lot of times when she looks at me.

 

She could think of you as a really good friend.

 

She plays with her hair and fidgets sometimes when we're together.

 

Lots of people play with their hair out of boredom, habit or when they're thinking.

 

One more than one occasion, she joked (?) about us being lesbian moms, having kids, and being a couple.

 

Some might say no straight person would ever joke about such matters, but from how you have it phrased here and how it sounds to me, it genuinely sounds like she's just kidding around with you.

 

Physical contact doesn't happen often with us, but when it does, it's intense. Some examples: We were looking at photos on my digital camera and she came up and wrapped her arm right arm around my left arm, and held onto my hand. Another time that we were looking at my camera, she held onto my hand to look. We were rolling out pizza dough once and I had to hold the table cloth down. My hand (the palm) was against the table and the back of my hand was on her *very* upper thigh. She didn't move or seem uncomfortable at all--- it was there for at least 3 or 4 minutes. We've also shared a few bear hugs.

 

The physical contact may indeed have been intense, but only for you. All of your incidents sound like everyday, normal things that would happen between friends. She's not going out of her way to touch you and she's not responding to your touches.

 

I've met her whole family, when others that were around were not introduced.

 

My friends have lovely families...

 

She mimicks some things I say and the way I say them. She thinks the way I say certain words is cute.

 

Very indicative of friendship.

 

She's told me things that she's never told anyone else.

 

She really trusts you as a friend and likes to confide in you.

 

When we sit by each other, we're usually thigh to thigh.

 

This can be interpreted either way, but it sounds to me like she's just really comfortable around you. If she liked you, and since we know you like her, there would probably be a lot of sexual tension and uneasiness with sitting thigh to thigh like that.

 

 

I don't know... I could be totally off-base because, again, I don't know either of your or your entire situation. Yes, almost everything you've mentioned is a sign that she may like you in that way, but from the context you have given it sounds more like a really good friendship.

[sportsbunny]

Hey, buddafleye...thanks for that. But what I meant was why does she act so negatively sometimes and have such mood swings with me? I'm the only person that she does it with. I get treated differently than everyone else. I've seen her flirt with guys, don't get that. I've seen her interact with other close friends, don't get that. I've seen her interact with people she just considers friends, don't get that. And I've seen her interact with strangers, don't get that. So WHAT AM I? haha

[pianoguy]

Have you felt out her feelings on the whole gay issue? gay marriage, etc.?

 

Have you considered coming out to her? Not necessarily saying that you like her, just that you're not straight. Her reaction might give you some clues. Any knowledge of her politics?

[Donster]

sounds like this woman might be a bit conflicted, or curious. And it is clear that at the very least, she likes you as a friend, although the negatives you outline seem very odd and very much at odds with what you wrote in the positives.

 

I would suggest some straight talk with her. Let her know that you sense some interesting vibes from her, but that her behavior confuses you. Let her know that you find her very intriguing and attractive but you need to know if there is anything else that is possible. And you need to let her know, and to reassure her, that you very much value her friendship above all else and you dont want any misunderstandings between the two of you regarding where things may go.

 

hope this helps!