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First date now what


zer0effect
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I went on a date last weekend with someone and had a good time, I think she did too as she laughed alot and seemed like she was enjoying herself. I didn't know what to do at the end so we just sort of hugged and I told her I would be in touch, schedules haven't matched up but we set something up for this coming weekend.

 

I've dated a several girls recently and they sort of fizzled out, lack of interest on my part or their parts. I have tried taking it slow only to have it sort of wane into nothing, I have also been forward and hooked up on the first date and it usually lasts for a few weeks of passion, but then things sort of go stale. It is just difficult to know what to do, I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't want it to seem forced, or put her off. How do you know when to do this? Do you hold hands right off the bat or on the second date, how do you push the intimacy thing forward? I am just confused, and tired of going on so many dates.

 

I have never felt like I have failed and the relationships that started and didn't work aren't anything I miss or even think about, I just wasn't interested too much, or she wasn't interested which makes me also not interested. Sometimes things start off great and next thing I know she is sleeping over, then it gets boring and we go our separate ways. I feel like something is wrong with me, and maybe I am missing something or doing something wrong.

 

I have been in long term relationships and I liked the companionship and being so relaxed around someone, being in love, having a friend, but I don't remember how I got there, just know how it felt, and I can't seem to get back to it.

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Let's address a couple of your main concerns.

 

First off, when to go in for a kiss: It's all about the body language signals she's sending. You should be observant throughout the date and especially toward the end. First of all, she must be attracted to you in for her to want to kiss you. Classic body langauge signs include strong eye contact, posture turned toward you while conversing, preening of the self, touching her neck, and especially touching you. At the end of the date wherever you are, get close to her. Look for positive body language. Here, usually strong eye contact and a brief moment of silence should be followed by you making a move to kiss her. You then bust a move.

 

As far as starting relationships: In my opinion, early intimacy signifncantly diminishes the chances of forming a relationship. This "passion" burns out quicky because it's just that, "passion." You haven't properly invested the time to build things. Ultimately, a relationship consists of her relying on you for emotional fulfillment. You're giving her the intangibles - she trusts you, you're able to listen to her and relate well, and you both have similar outlooks on life and begin to understand each other.

 

See, any man can give a woman sex. That's the easy part. It's when you start bringing the intangibles to the counter - this is how relationships are formed. Save the intimacy for further down the road.

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The important thing is to keep things slow. If you click on the first date, there's nothing at all wrong with flirting and showing her that you are interested.

 

But you still have to remember that you don't really know her after the first date. You don't really know if you like her, or if you like what you think she is. So it's just important to find things out about her, ask her about herself.. just get to know her.

 

If all you do is sleep together and make out, how do you get to know her that way?

 

Just think things out and things will move naturally. You'll feel ready for the next step when the time is right!

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I agree with the above posters,

 

If you have physical intimacy too early,

 

The spark is lost,

 

The foundation on the house will collapse,

 

At the sign of the first hurricane/tornado,

 

Because all you know about each other,

 

Is that your key fits in her lock,

 

You don't really know much beyond that,

 

Hold off on the intimacy until months into the relationship,

 

So that you are able to build trust, understanding, and develop a love towards each other,

 

As cliche as it sounds, that's why sex can be called "making love,"

 

Because the love is already there, you are just expressing it in a physical manner.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

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Thank you for your replies, it is much appreciated. I do believe that sex is different than making love and I do miss it, personally I don't enjoy it much as it has been more about performing on both sides and not loving each other. I sometimes think I'd rather not get physical, but if I don't push forward she will think I am not attracted to her. Does that make sense?

 

I think I understand that taking it slow is best, but I seem to miss something en route while taking it slow that causes interest to fade. Maybe I have a problem with patience. I have been single and just dating for almost a year, before that I was in long term relationships exclusively, usually with women that pursued me. Now that I am doing the pursuing, it feels like the spark is never there, or if it is and I try to act on it it burns out.

 

A good friend told that I am just "dating" and that I am not used to it. Not everyone I meet is going to be for me, and actually this is how it is supposed to work, meeting new people, seeing if you click. I actually put some effort into this and have dated quite a bit, it is not easy but surprisingly less difficult than I thought it would be. Now that I am older (almost 32) I don't have much fear in rejection and believe it is better to try and fail than to not try and whine. If I felt this way when I was 18, things would have been so different.

 

I just want to know if there is something I can do to tell if someone is worth the effort, how to move it past friends/physical and into caring. I feel that since I try to date women my age, a lot of them are jaded or much more emotionally reserved, what helps to get them past that? Sad to say but if I met an emotionally affectionate person who showed attraction to me in that way, I would be astonished. I'm just complaining and tired a bit. Fall is approaching, and I thought I would have found someone before the holidays. The girl I went out with was the 7th person I've dated (if we go out for at least a few dates) in the past 10 months, maybe I am just becoming jaded or whatever that is.

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I think you're overthinking this. All the relationships I've had I've fallen into. There was no strain or anything like that, just a natural progression towards intimacy.

 

I respectfully disagree with those who urge you to hold off on sex. If it feels right, do it. I've never waited to sleep with any of the men I've been in long term relationships with, and it hasn't ever bit me in the butt. On the other hand, you seem to be getting a little jaded and don't necessarily want to sleep with all the women you're dating. So don't, you know? Just do what feels right. Don't feel like you need to prove anything to any of these women. If you're attracted to them, it will come accross with or without sex.

 

As far as finding somebody more long term, it will just happen. Some advice that seems to be true is that you can't really expect or anticipate it. But you'll *know* when you want to be in a relationship with someone again, I'm sure of it. You won't doubt it or need to think about it, it will just play out like that.

 

If you're feeling jaded, take a little break or something...

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Sometimes it just takes a while to find the right person, and I don't think there is any 'fast' way to find out if she is the girl for you. Well, not really fast anyway. For me, I tend to hate to play those stupid communication circle games so many people do in relationships. If you can't talk to someone, then how can you have a good relationship? Also if someone can't give me a direct answer to a question, that's a big turnoff.

 

The other posts offer good advice. I wouldn't be against simpler stuff like holding hands or kissing, but like you said, sex just becomes unfulfilling after a while if it isn't the right person. Like eating General Tso's chicken without the chicken. It'll feed ya but still missing something....

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