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Gracelove
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Why? Why am I so angry now?

I find myself worrying. I trust that God will punish the person who raped me and his accomplice...but apparently I'm not trusting enough.

I don't know...what will be their punishment?

I don't even know if it's about that really, I'm just angry. I'm so angry and I want them to pay.

I don't want to be an angry person. That's never been in my nature.

I don't want to turn, change.

What am I supposed to do?

I just feel like there is no justice.

I know there is, but for some reason I feel like there isn't.

I'm...I don't want to say "scared" I am so tired of that word...I'm worried.

I'm worried for myself.

I mean, I can't even study. How am I supposed to finish school if I can't study?

Why is all of this pressure on me? Because my world is different now, because someone raped me.

I...I need medicine that interferes with my leading a normal life at times.

I need medicine to sleep so that I don't get sick, but when taking that medicine I sleep for more than 12 hours at times.

What am I to do? What if I can't cope or handle all of the responsibilities for me right now.

I'm tired of saying it's the rape and medicine, even though it is!!!

All of the crying in the world isn't going to help me.

I'm drowning. I don't have a therapist anymore.

I don't have any money.

I have a lot of work to do and I can't seem to get started.

And sometimes I even feel like my brain isn't working.

I used to be so smart.

Now???

Now, I'm angry! I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of hurting I'm tired of pulling all of this extra weight!!!

I'm just angry now!!!! I'm so angry! And who cares if the world isn't fair! This isn't fair.

My parents can't take care of me anymore.

I'm almost 23.

I'm supposed to be able to support myself, it's something I've always wanted to do.

And I have been able to support myself in the past. But now?

I feel like a child. A Child!!!! And I want justice!!!!! I want it, and I want it now!!!!

Why are bad people rewarded? Why do they get to move on with life freely? Why? Why?

Why am I this way?

I've tried to reason, I've tried everything.

I've reminded myself multiple times of my situation, just hoping to find comfort in it.

But there is no comfort! None. No comfort.

Anger has never been my friend, but right now I feel it is living in me.

I don't know where else to go.

I've tried everything else.

It's not helping me.

Now I'm angry at the people who I should be angry at.

And now what?

Let go?

I've tried.

And you know where it leaves me? In a hole that I can't get out of.

That's where it leaves me.

In a hole.

I'm in a hole, I'm in a small, 12ft. hole, with a shovel.

And everyone thinks that's great, that I can make everything work now....But I can't use a shovel to get out of that, shoveling any dirt will cause an avalanche.

I don't know.

I hate my life!!!!!! My life was decent! It was workable! I have a chance. I had a chance at life!!!!

Then what?

Now what?

I have no chances!!!!

I'm so tired to people doing crap to me and leaving the whole thing in my lap!

What am I? A dumping ground?

Everytime I pull myself back up something comes and knocks me down.

Do you know how frustrating that is?!!!!!!!!!!

And all I've tried to be is a good person, that's it?!

Well, that has gotten me nowhere!

I don't regret being who I am, but is there any protection? Is there an protection for me?

When any random person can come up to me and do what they will.....?

What kind of crazy world is this?

And yes I was sheltered. I was so sheltered as a child and teenager.

But I don't resent it.

I don't.

At least I was able to have a little bit of happiness in this crazy world.

The only problem is that now I don't know how I'll make it.

How will I make it in this world? How? How will I make it?

Why is school so critical right now? How am I suppose to concentrate?

How? I don't know.

Any suggestions for how to rid oneself of anger?

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Hi Grace,

 

Have you heard of the stages of grieving?

 

When someone goes through a traumatic event as you have- that loss of dignity, control and self esteem is a big loss, and it's normal to go through the grief process.

 

There are five stages of grieving:

 

Shock/Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

They don't always go in that order, and it is not a linear process. A person can stagnate in one stage for a long time, or jump from one to another and back again. These feelings you are having are quite normal, and can even be empowering.

 

Think about how you might be able to use this anger and energy and focus it towards something positive. What about volunteering in a rape crisis center? Writing out an anger letter to your attacker, telling him how the attack made you feel? Then decide what to do with it, keep it, trash it, whatever you are most comfortable with.

 

Hang in there Grace, this is normal.

 

((HUGS))

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