Generating attraction instead of feeling it spontaneously since the beginning...

[Baby Carrot]

Two times I've been down that road.

 

Met Guy#1 online, had a great time talking, amazing chemistry etc, etc. But honestly, is not like I was on fire for him. I didn't find him attractive actually. But still, we met, we hooked up and became bf and gf. So, in that process I kind of made myself find something attractive about him -that wasn't there since the very beginning-.

 

Years later, I meet Guy#2. Pretty similar, great time talking, great chemistry... I see some pictures and I just go like OMG.... I am SO NOT attracted to this dude... But we get along so well, that we keep talking, and even getting involved kind of romantically, and I keep making aside the fact that I'm not feeling the level of attraction that ur supposed to feel for a potential partner... And in the end, the most probable thing is that I somehow manage to FIND something appealing and attractive... instead of just letting it FLOW.

 

The problem is, I feel is not supposed to be like that... I mean... It'd be way more like... natural IMO to have amazing chemistry and communication with someone, sex-appeal included since minut 1... or am I just too shallow?

 

No! It IS important!

 

In my experience til now is like... I can't possibly have it both ways... either I get along great with someone I'm not initially attracted to or I meet someone who is gorgeous and who I have no chemistry with.

 

I'm in the middle of a little tantrum here I guess... Why can't I have it both ways? I'm kind of tired of that anxiety feeling:

 

"Gosh! Yes, great talking, great chemistry, we share interests... now where the heck do I get the sex-appeal from?!?! Because this dude is so into me already!! YIKES!!! "

 

 

.

[Yvette84]

sigh, wow! I thought I was the only one with this EXACT problem!!! that always happens to me too!!! I meet these guys that I have GREAT chemistry with in every way...but no physicl/sexual thing!! and vice virsa. I have FORCED myself to "find" them attractive because I didn't want to feel shallow, but then I relaized it IS very important! it sux! and it's frustrating, but don't feel bad about needing to have the physical as well as the emotional/mental. DO NOT settle! you WILL find a guy one day that will have both!!!! then you will know he is the one. I finally found mine!! keep the faith

[Baby Carrot]

OK... so I don't settle, but what am I supposed to tell them? "Sorry, yes we get along great and it could have been wonderful, except that unfortunately ur not gorgeous enough"

 

I mean... what a biatch...

 

Is not that I'm craving to find him. If it happens, great if not, well, life goes on I guess. I don't think is something you can actually make happen. Who knows, maybe Santa Claus will be kind this year.

 

.

[NJRon]

You're just not "feeling it"... as long as it's early enough, no harm no foul...

[Scout]

BabyCarrot, I actually feel like your approach has been pretty mature, and based on some really hard things to do: giving someone a chance, letting attraction build over time that are based on qualities other than the superficial, and recognizing your emotional chemistry is as important as your physical chemistry with someone.

 

I've had two boyfriends that in the beginning, let's just say I didn't think they were an Adonis. But I so was on the same wavelength with them, that I made a concerted choice to keep seeing them...to let something build...and eventually, more physical attraction...a LOT more...kicked in.

 

It was kind of nice for a change to have physical attraction increase over time, rather than diminish.

[Baby Carrot]

Thank you so much, Scout.

 

I just wonder how it'd be to have the whole package at least once...

 

Dunno, maybe I still can't get over that teenage urge of finding my own blue prince (mmmyyyy precccioussssss hahahha) , instead of only finding...u know.... toads LOL.

[Scout]

I just wonder how it'd be to have the whole package at least once...

 

Are you sure you don't mean finding the whole package "all at once"? I don't think there is anyway anyone knows for sure right off the bat they've found the whole package.

 

Physical chemistry is important, but I can positively attest that it doesn't always make it's appearance at the very onset of meeting someone. As long as it does present itself at some point...within a couple of months or so...then does it really matter if it wasn't there at first?

 

But I'm a bit confused by your last post, because now you're saying you only meet toads. I was under the impression your first post was about not always having the "spark" right away with some of your boyfriends.

[Baby Carrot]

SCOUT:

 

Yeah... I meant, to have the whole package all at once, at least once... lol

 

I would certainly know I've found the whole package if I had this amazing chemistry with a guy I also happen to think is hot.

 

What I mean is.... not that I'm not worried im not completely on fire for someone since the beginning... is that in this 2 past relationships I was literally freaking out because I felt not only not attracted, but a little repulsed... but I managed to like swallow it. And that's what I don't feel OK with anymore.

 

I said "toads" as the opposite of "blue prince" I have a major infatuation with. The spark was totally there, except that it was abscent in the sex-appeal level.

[NJRon]

Well.. I have had both... so, it's definitely possible.

[Baby Carrot]

NJRON:

And what feels better? Having to invent the attraction or developing the one that is already there?

[NJRon]

I think it's different for everyone. I, myself, have a hard time developing love if I don't have the passion to get to know someone. That desire carries me through and allows me to accept the totality of the person because, in the end, no one is perfect... but, imperfection can also be a lovable trait.

 

However, if I don't have that spark, then there is little reason to pursue because, in the end, all I end up seeing are the negative qualities which override the goodness inherent in the person. When all you do is focus on the negative, that's all you get.

 

So, for me, what feels best is the end result. Attraction, love and full acceptance. People just tend to reach that end in different ways... and both paths can lead to prematurely cutting out wonderful potentials.