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Introspective vs. Not Caring Enough to Say Anything


LostInAGoodBook
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There are many people who are deep and take things in without talking a lot. They absorb information and are really listening to what you have to say. I would rather have a deep person than someone who talks a lot and says nothing of value and doesn't really listen. However, if you need someone who talks a lot, perhaps this is not a good fit. Introspective people won't suddenly change.

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A great book I am reading right now regarding the differences in teh way men and women communicate:

 

You Just Dont Understand by Deborah Tannen.

 

It gives some great insight into how men and women resolves issues conflict etc.

 

Your BF may not say much because typically men do not want to always be talking about personally or relationship stuff.

 

For example Ms. Tannen highlights that for most women talking about the relationship is a sign of its healthy-ness whereas for men talking about the realsionship all the time signifies something is wrong. His silence may very well indicate he is happy and trying to get him to talk may make him think that you dont see the relationship that way.

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A great book I am reading right now regarding the differences in teh way men and women communicate:

 

You Just Dont Understand by Deborah Tannen.

 

It gives some great insight into how men and women resolves issues conflict etc.

 

Your BF may not say much because typically men do not want to always be talking about personally or relationship stuff.

 

For example Ms. Tannen highlights that for most women talking about the relationship is a sign of its healthy-ness whereas for men talking about the realsionship all the time signifies something is wrong. His silence may very well indicate he is happy and trying to get him to talk may make him think that you dont see the relationship that way.

 

I didn't see where she said this is just about talking about the relationship, though, this is about everything.

 

Also, I'm a woman, and I find that most often it's the men I'm dating who want to talk at length about 'us' whereas I'd rather not.

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I didn't see where she said this is just about talking about the relationship, though, this is about everything.

 

Also, I'm a woman, and I find that most often it's the men I'm dating who want to talk at length about 'us' whereas I'd rather not.

 

Of course there is always differences liek I said "tend to." Maybe you date guys who are more "sensitive." Who knows.

 

Men generally fall into "report" style communciation. That is talking abotu facts figure etc. This is why for instance newspapers are overwhelmingly read by men.

 

Women generally fall into "rapport" style communication. That is talking about relationships (not jsut romantic), community etc. This is why "gossip" magazines are more popular with women.

 

As for my reference to relationship talk I used it as a example. To me the way the OP titled the thread says a lot. Its assumed by her that his not talking at length is a sign of not caring. To me it indicates a lack of understanding of what he is thinking or feeling.

 

The book is a great book. Very insightful and offers a lot of clarity into what happens regarding communication. She is a linguist and writes other books regarding cross cultural communication.

 

The main point is women and men learn differnent styles. Doesnt mean everybody form a certain group uses one style all the time. Reading the book however gives again insight into what may be happening. For me I realized years ago that 99% of the worlds problems stem from miscommunication.

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I agree that men and women tend to communicate differently. But it sounds to me like in her particular circumstance, that her boyfriends lack of paticipation in conversation may cause problems for them in the future. The two may not be compatible. I've known people similar to what she discribes. I say "Hi, nice day outside." They say nothing. I say "So, this new database transition is going to be interesting." They say nothing. I don't know if they're supposed to be deep, shallow, or just 'above' simple conversation, but people like that can grow tiresome.

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I agree to an extent. It doenst sound like he is withdrawing at all. But having different communcation style can present serious challenges to any relationship, intimate, family, work. Its up to each individual to understand that it takes some work and how much work they are willing to put in.

 

Some people look for "someone who understands me completely" what they are saying is someone who can hear what I am saying. Essentially it adds up to not wanting to work at understanding.

 

In relationships both parties have to "come to the table" sadly some people do not want to understand these differences and feel that people should just understand them.

 

As Ms. Tannen says :

 

"Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own style because we assume we all live in the same world."

 

It cant be said better than that. Thats why its important to understand how other people may be cdommunicating so you can adapt your style. This is what is known as "Situaltional Leadership." Ideally both parties will have this understanding otherwise one party may be doing all the work.

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Hmmm.... I would be interested to know what kind of conversations that they are having when he stops responding, or is it just all conversations?

 

Why do you think he just doesen't care?

Are you saying he just dosen't care about you, or about what you are talking about?

 

When he does speak on his own (not something you were talking about), does he go on at lenght?

Does he seem to always veer back to the same conversations, the same topics?

Is he moody or just mood-less?

 

Sorry for all of the questions, I just want to get a better understading of the situation before I comment....

 

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If he is that deep in thought that he cannot hear what your saying, he has something on his mind. Too much introspection isn't good, it makes the mind tired which in turn makes you think even more and even more introspective.

 

Ask him what's on his mind rather than trying to force things out of him. Try to draw him out of it. Take some time out for you both to have fun in a busy place. Do you both good.

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I thought they didn't get to spend that much time together...

 

Hmm...

 

Maybe what it is is that you have just exhausted how far conversation can take you between the last visit and the next....

 

Maybe it is time for a spontaneous face to face for you to spend some time making NEW things to talk about, and the upside is that if he DOES have something on his mind that he needs to get out, you will be way more likely to get it out of him while looking him in the eye...

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I know exactly what you are going through because my wife is exactly the same as your boyfriend! She is a very quiet person, sometimes infuriatingly so.The other day I dropped her off and said, "Take care and see you tonight." She did not reply, just got out of the car and walked off. Later I sent her a text message asking, "RU angry & upset with me? Why?" She replied, "NO! I'm ok." This kind of behaviour is not uncommon. Is she so introspective she doesn't even hear me or is she deliberately not answering me just to piss me off or because she thinks it's beneath her? Buggered if I know!

 

We hadn't had an argument or anything (how do you argue with someone who won't say anything?! That's a plus anyway...heheh!)

 

Is your boyfriend depressed or worried about something?

Has he always been quiet or is this something that's just happened recently?

 

My wife has always been quiet and depressive. At first I found this refreshing because my first wife was a chatterbox and never shut up, her mind flitted from trivial subject to trivial subject and this annoyed me intensely. But at least we could talk things through. There's nothing more demoralising in any relationship than feeling like you are being ignored, that you are not even worthy of being responded to. Quite apart from that, its damn rude!

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