I'm such a fool...

[paulapalooza]

My ex just left my house. He was picking up the rest of his things.

 

On wednesday he called me to ask if he could pick up his things. I said sure. He wanted to "talk" and hang out for a bit. I had this romantic notion that he was going to admit that he was a fool and ask for me back. I haven't cried in a week, and now that he left, I'm a wreck. I can't stop crying.

 

The conversation started by asking me how I am, how work was, and what I was doing. I tried to be strong and say that I was ok. Then the coversation got into "why we broke up". I'm not sure if he was trying to reiterate that we're over or what. He basically said that one of the major problems was with him. He didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and he was trying to be fair by not taking it any further. He didn't want the commitment. He didn't want to answer to anyone. But, he wanted to see if we would be friends because he still cares about me.

 

Why was a such a fool to think that he would come back with open arms? I felt that the whole time that the ball was in my court and I'm the one left crying. I felt so strong going into this meeting that I was sure something would work out. As we talked, I asked him what he was thinking about. He said that all week he was trying to figure out if he made the right choice. I asked him if he was sure. He said he was. Gosh, that hurt to hear those words. I'm trying so hard not to cry as I'm writing this. I asked him if he even feels a little out of sorts because he looked so unemotional. He said of course it's hard. He feels bad for hurting me. But, he was more concerned that he needed his space so that he could figure out what he wants out of life. I'm having the toughest time coping with the fact that what he means is that he doesn't want me in his life. He also said that one of the reasons that we broke up is because he didn't feel like we had the same values and that I didn't have any passions. I asked him what a passion was to him, and he replied "something that you want to do no matter what". He said that it felt like I didn't really want to do anything that I liked unless it was with him. I tried to tell him that I have passions, but I also like to share them with the people I love. I like doing the things I love with others, so that they can experience what I feel is important.

 

We were together for two years.

 

I was supposed to go out tonight too, and now I don't even feel like leaving the house for the whole weekend. I can't stop the tears.

[annie24]

you weren't a fool - you just had hope.

 

I am sorry for your situation. (HUGS) it is hard, but ultimately, maybe it was for the best. it is better that he break up with you now, than another 2 years down the road when he is still not ready to committ to you.

 

hang in there. go rent a comedy right now. call some girlfriends, see if they will go get dinner with you.

 

in the coming weeks, try to get out of the house, have fun. look through the newspaper and see if you can't find some fun events going on. take a walk, go to the gym, get your nails done, etc.

 

why don't we plan your weekend out right now?

[friscodj]

Hey paulapalooza-

 

First off, you are not a fool. Break ups and heartbreak stir up the emotions for sure. There is absolutely no shame at all in what you're feeling.

 

Your description of the situation and your tears resonanted feelings within me. I have been there my friend, and I feel you...

 

So from here, my suggestions are to keep crying, I always feel cleansed after a good cry.

 

Then, forget about trying to prove yourself to this guy and absolutely forget about being friends with him anytime even remotely soon. You need the distance right now...as hard as that may be to take...

 

It sure sounds like this guy is gone like yesterday, but your life is today and there is more of it to live tomorrow...

[paulapalooza]

Thanks Annie. I appreciate it. I was starting to think that I could get over him quickly. I went back to yoga to get some zen in me. I went to the gym three times this week. I hung out with girlfriends. I watched movies with my guy friends.

 

It just seems that after just 20 minutes of hanging out, all of my confidence is gone. That strong, confident person I was a moment ago is now a hopeless mess. I know I'm going to get through this. It just seems so hard right now.

[annie24]

you will absolutely get over it. unfortunately, it will take time. you were together for 2 years, you can't just erase those feelings in an instant. I am glad you are getting out there. keep doing it. it's ok to cry.

[paulapalooza]

Haha, and the funniest thing is that this refigerator repair guy is coming over and he's going to see me all upset. He's late too. I hope he doesn't think that I'm crying because he's late : )

[paulapalooza]

You guys are right thought. I should go out. I know I should. But, with all these tears and hurt, I feel like I wouldn't be that much fun to hang out with anyway. I don't want to bum out my friends. The last thing I want to do is get drunk, or worse, high.

 

Maybe one of the reasons why I feel like such a fool is because I promised to myself that I wouldn't cry in front of him. I swore that I was going to be strong. I held out for probably 10 minutes before I broke down. The last thing I want is for him to feel sorry for me.

[annie24]

Haha, and the funniest thing is that this refigerator repair guy is coming over and he's going to see me all upset. He's late too. I hope he doesn't think that I'm crying because he's late : )

 

LOL! You should totally play it off like that! Tell him you feel really upset that your veggies have been getting warmer by the minute. That would be funny.

[annie24]

Nah, with my last breakup, I let the waterworks flow! if he's going to make me feel bad, then he should feel bad for a while too!

[paulapalooza]

My veggies did go bad. I was totally pissed actually. I spent $100 on groceries that had to be thrown out. I would have rather have put my money on a blackjack table or something.

 

You're right though Annie. I have to get out of here. I just feel a little helpless. Whenever I come on this site though, I instantly feel better. I think that the number one reason why I'm doing better than I expected is because there's so much support on this forum. I've decided that I have to just plug along and hope that I'll get better fast.

 

Ever get that feeling that you just space out all the time?

[tyrant]

Its good for you to want to get over him, but don't force yourself to go out if you don't want to. After a breakup I tend to go through a 'mourning' phase as if the person I was with is dead. Listening to sad music, watching sappy movies, drinking a glass of wine in a bubble bath all seem to work for me. Just kind of let grief sink in and evaporate. It never takes more than a couple days to a week to get over it this way, and its nice to have some alone time to sort things out for myself. Plus I never ruin my friends' nights by breaking down while we are out. (which has happened to me before I started doing this)

[paulapalooza]

Thanks Ellie. I'm trying not to beat myself up. It's just one of those things that take over your very existence. You eat, sleep and breathe of what things "could have been". The proverbial "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" take over.

[annie24]

I bought the entire Sex and the City series in the collector's edition pink velvet box. It's amazing therapy post-breakup.

[paulapalooza]

Come to think of it, I was watching Sex and the City with a girlfriend last night. Damn that was a good show.

 

Alright, I have to take off before that refrigerator guy shows up and sees me with the ol' heroin chique makeup I got going on right now.

 

Thanks so much for the support, I'll be on later.

[annie24]

honey - no worries. it is ok to break down in front of the refrigerator guy

 

the day after a breakup, I broke down in a taxi cab, and you know what - the taxi driver actually had some really amazing advise for me - advice that none of my friends or people on eNotalone had. one issue that was a problem between me and my ex was alcohol abuse, something that I don't have and none of my friends have either. the taxi driver told me he was sober for 28 years, and he had interesting insights into the minds of alcoholics that i certainly never thought of....

 

who knows? fridge guy might have words of wisdom for you also! he is a captive audience anyways, stuck in your apartment while he is fixing it! lol