Jump to content

Too much gaming or hobby?


ender1
 Share

Recommended Posts

I play multi-player on line games, sometimes at night when my wife is asleep. Sometimes if I'm really stressed out from the day and she is sleeping in the evening or we have no plans other that sit in bed and watch tv I might want to relax and go online for a few hours instead. I do sometimes spend the entire night on line and then come to bed late.

 

My wife has a big problem with this it seems, she says I am not giving her enough love and affection. I counter this with saying that I do satisfy her emotional needs, but I simply want to have my own time once in awhile. She has no hobbies and very little interest, so maybe if she did she would understand.

 

I do use my game as an escape sometimes because it takes my mind off some of the stress of the day, since I have supported her entirely since the first day we moved in together.

 

I also do not let my "fun" interfere with any normal activities. If we have movie plans, or family events I don't go online instead. I mainly go online at night when she's sleeping, and sometimes during the day if we're just doing our own thing.

 

I have no idea why we're fighting about this. I really have no other hobbies, don't watch sports, don't go to bars with the boys or whatever most guys probably do. I just indulge myself online and I do sometimes get addicted and play for a long time, which is true.

 

But my point is, if she's in bed half asleep, why does she just want me to be there in bed when I'm not tired. I don't get it. Is it because we're married I have the obligation to be in bed with her? It isn't like she wants me in bed for anything. Am I living too much like I was single?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funny. An ex of mine used to have the same problem... then I introduced her to the game... I would come home from work.. she would still be in her sweats. Nothing done in the house... no food... I would have to sometimes run to the school to pick up her own kid because she forgot!!

 

Sometimes, people are in bed, half asleep because they are trying to just pass the day away... it's sad.. just like you pass the day away on the computer... she's passing it away in her own head.

 

Stop this insanity now! You don't have an "obligation"! You formed a pact.. you treated one another a certain way and your vows were meant to continue that. I doubt seriously, while you were courting, that you spent most of your time sitting on your * * * playing video games while the woman you adored and cherished slept...

 

Use your brain... if you don't start now.. you will end up like me... spending my time sharing all the mistakes *I* made... hoping others won't fall into the same trap.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm third born... lol

Older brother and sister.

Good book.

 

As for the games... please, find a way to stop them, any way, before the addiction gets any worse. I was addicted to video games up to a few months ago, and I can tell you it's a cycle of pure hell.

 

If it's at all possible, put your energy into finding ways to please her... the simple things seem to matter most. You married this woman, right? Try and think back to the early days of your marriage, when you would've done anything for her. And be honest... if you're feeling stressed, maybe talk with her so she knows what's going on?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm almost willing to bet that your wife's frustration has nothing to do with the game you're playing. My husband plays Magic the Gathering as stress release, and it doesn't bother me at all. Even when he plays till 3 in the morning, or goes to work an hour later than normal (he can show up to work whenever he wants, so he's not shirking responsibility), or blows something else off so he can play. It doesn't bother me.

 

Have you asked your wife specifically what you can do to meet her emotional needs? Have you asked her what a good time for you to play this game is? How long she would like you to play it? If you ask her these things, don't be confrontational. Sit down with her at a time where you're both in a good mood, and let her know that you would like to find a good balance between playing your game and tending to her emotional needs.

 

The two of you need to sit down together and talk about your involvement with this game. Until this issue is resolved, you should probably stop playing. Your wife's feelings are definitely more important than this game, so please, stop playing for a little while until the two of you reach a compromise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

she wants you to be in bed with her as a sign of caring and being close to you. People like intimacy and being cared for. Just do it once in a while or get a psp and sit beside her and play your game. jkjk

 

yeah my mom hate it when my dad just played video games, eventually it stopped b/c it was too much lol.

 

do you two have some time to just sit down and chat? women need emotional satisfaction and i think that's what she is missing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the relpies. Well, we did talk about it after a big late night blow out, and the next day she said she understood that I get stressed with supporting us and I like to escape on the game sometimes, but then the same thing happened again. She is being treated for an illness and right now she's always tired and goes to bed at like 6pm sometimes. She says I don't support her emotionally.

 

I get upset about this because I do this, and more. I make calls for her, I've supported us finanically for 3 years, we've gone on trips, I've sent her flowers, and gifts. I ask her how she's doing all day and night. I guess what she wants is for me to be in bed comforting her. I DO THIS, which is my frustration, but there are times when I am emotionally drained and find it difficult to be constantly comforting her. It is hard taking care of someone who is sick because it is a round-the-clock care-taker role for me.

 

Instead, if we're not real close, we'll just kind of chill out. Not super-close and petting each other, just kind of doing our own thing. The problem happens when I get on the game and my attention gets absorbed into it. She just seems to totally despise the fact that I get absorbed in the game and don't drop it when she walks in the room.

 

In short, I deleted my account. The game is not that important to me. It was fun outlet for me, my only real source of personal recreation. But I figure I can buy good book or do something else that will take less of my time and make me more mentally available when I'm doing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have shared a lot of things that you do. And she still says that you are not emotionally supporting her. Have you thought about sitting her down and calmily saying "I want to emotionally support you. However, it doesn't seem like the way that I show it makes you feel emotionally supportive. What can I do that would help you feel the way you want to feel?"

 

I have been in a situation where we both were giving 100% ... yet, for whatever reason, we instead started experiencing a lot of frustration with one another and our arguments typically revolved around how much we were doing for the other person and how little it was appreciated. I am a pretty firm believer now that the reason was not *how much* we were giving, but*what* we were giving. We probably could have worked a lot less has we worked a little smarter...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yah, that's a good point. I can list all the things I've done for her because I care, finanically, trips, surprise bed and breakfasts, etc... But she's told me that all she wants is for me to tell her it is OK and hug her. She's said if you're on your game just give me a hug so I know you love me.

 

Unfortunately, this is what she thought is all she wanted, but it was not the case.

 

I guess a lot of our issues revolve aruond her illness and not feeling well right now, which causes stress. What does the caretaker person in the relationship do when their spouse is not feeling well every day? I feel guilty that there are some days when I am just really frustrated with having to be in a supportive role. If she is not feeling well, it is usually the same symptoms she has all the time, but she feels better to "complain" to me and wants some response, and honestly, I sometimes just do not have the emotional energy to do that. I can do it for awhile, but then one night when I'm not providing that immediate comfort it turns into a huge issue. Very frustrating. ugh.

 

Thanks for the replies.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess

 

That's the worst thing you can do. Stop guessing. She said one thing about hugging her and telling her you loved her. How long ago was that? I highly doubt that that is the only thing she wanted... I mnean, if your idea of being loved was her taking care of the household I doubt that if all she did was laze around on the couch all day drinking beer but managing to take out the garbage would qualify. You would say, "I want the household taken care of", and she would say, "but, I took the garbage out."

 

Sit down and discuss. It may not come out all at once. But, make a pact to tell the other when you do something that shows love. Because that's the only way that you will know.. is to *know*... not *guess*.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What does the caretaker person in the relationship do when their spouse is not feeling well every day? I feel guilty that there are some days when I am just really frustrated with having to be in a supportive role. If she is not feeling well, it is usually the same symptoms she has all the time, but she feels better to "complain" to me and wants some response

 

Wanted to add. You are doing a LOT... I know. It's tough feeling the caretaker. The funny thing is, when you are feeling the caretaker you are sometimes taking care of more than you need to.

 

Ask her these questions. She's the one that can answer them, no one here can.

 

You see it as complaining, maybe she sees it as venting. She wants some response but you don't know what it is. have you asked what response she wants?

 

It's ok to not know how to offer support. I suck at it and am constantly trying to figure out how to do it. In the end though, the only way to know how to give support is for the other person to tell you. It is very uncomfortable for a person to outright ask how they want to be taken care of. It can make them feel like they are weak... like they can't take care of themselves. It's also a fine line to walk between caretaking and enabling. It's a line you need to learn... and the best way to start is to find out how this particular significant person I your life needs to be taken care of. You also need to communicate how *you* need to be taken care of, because *your* needs aren't being met.

 

I wish you both the best in opening up to the intimacy you have the potential to experience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, NJ.

 

I think what she wants is to say I don't feel good this way or that way. I being the problem solver male type, will make sure she has taken the right pill for what is bugging her. But what she wants is to be physically comforted and tell her everything is going to be ok, etc...

 

Who wouldn't? The strain I feel right now is maintaining that level of support, day in and day out, through stressful days at work, etc... I get upset because I just want to be cut a little slack and do my own thing for a bit. I don't think that is asking too much.

 

I think the basics here have been said. This needs to be unfortunately, discussed in a very specific way. Such as, I will do this for 3 hours on wednesday, so that there is no feeling of lack of attention during that time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think ... I think ...

 

I *think* you are doing the right thing by sitting down with her to discuss specifics... I *think* that you should let her speak her feelings...

 

I *feel* you should respect your boundaries... I *feel* that creating a welcoming and secure environment in which to share will benefit the intimacy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funny to read this post. It went random there for a min and I got lost. I think that we are talking about your wife feeling like you don't have intimacy in your relationship. Movies, dinner, gifts... they are nice, but they don't fulfill the incredible yearning to be connected with another human being.

 

My SO just discovered the internet. (wow, I know) What a monster I have unleased. Or mabe not. Maybe I am letting my previous marriage of 10 years that was destroyed by internet porn skew my perspective. Maybe his discovery and subsequent awe of the internet's powers are just a normal part of his develpment, in no way related to the way he feels about me at all.

 

I have to take this stance - everything anyone else does is NOT ABOUT ME. That's right. His activities, choices, actions - they are all about him. About his world and his dream. About how he chooses to spend his life and his time. Not about how much he loves me, not about how much my worth is based upon the amount of time he spends on the internet.

 

I can see her point of view, however. My man has a busy schedule, work and school and he's a coach of his son's baseball team. That leaves our time together very limited and I do watch how we choose to spend that time.

 

Lately, after his exposure to the wonders of the world on the internet, he has come home from his day, ate dinner and plopped in front of the computer to search for his destiny. Do I feel left out? Heck yes! @%&* Do I feel like the computer is more important to him than I am? If I allow myself to base his love for me based on his computer voyaging, yes. If I allow myself to see that he works all day to provide for his family, makes love to me like I was the last woman on earth, holds my hand, expresses his feelings to me and continues to have an intimate bond with me, than I have a new perspective. I understand that my worth and his love for me are not based upon how he spends his "down time" when we would be doing nothing anyway.

 

***** There is an intimacy in falling asleep together, I believe. First I would say that the TV in the bedroom is the precurser to absense of sex for long term committed couples. Just my layman's opinion. Why don't you seek a compromise? Have her watch TV in the room you are in and chat with her on the commercials? Come give her a kiss now and then to let her know you care. Stop the gaming at bedtime and lay down with your lover to rejuvinate. After she falls asleep, if you can't sleep, go play. But put a time limit on yourself lest you stay up all night.

 

Help any? It helped me just posting this. I can see my situation differently now as well. Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the replies. Most helpful. I closed my account, and I don't intend to play my game anymore. I think it is good because I've lost hours in that game, as much as an escape it was.

 

I think what bugged my wife in particular is that a couple of times while I was playing the game in a group she came in and I could not give her my full attention because I was in the middle of working with the group. It sounds childish that I was not able to pay attention to her at that moment because I was killing a stupid dragon (hehe), but it should not matter what I am doing. If someone is distracted or engrossed in a subject, is the other person who interrupts suppose to get offended? If I don't drop everything I am doing immediately am I being a bad husband?

 

I often have to deal with a lot of issues like this with my wife, unfortunately. I think it stems from her always feeling neglected by her parents and feeling like nobody loves her or thinks she's important.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hehe...I'm on the recieving end in this situation...

 

Yesterday I was at my boyfriends house and for 5 hours (the whole time I was with him) he played the game. Of course, he hugged and kissed me during A LOADING SCREEN.

 

Today he blew me off for his game. Completely.

 

I lay on the bed when I'm with him. I watch TV. Roll around. Sleep. I ust wait for him to stop for those few seconds, lay with me, iss me, and get back up. It's very frustrating and pathetic. I wish I could just ask him to stop playing his game for a bit but I know I'd just get argued with.

 

That he needs 'time alone.' I wish I could ignore him as well as he ignores me...

 

I haven't read this entire thread, but just stop. It really hurts, even if she's just laying on the bed, I understand pretty much everything she might be thinking while lying alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As someone who played MMORPG's for more than seven years, I made all of the arguments you did, over, and over, and over. While they might look good on paper, your wife isn't a child you are putting to bed and kissing good night. It just doesn't cut it.

 

I learned the hard way how damaging those games and my addiction to them were to my marriage. Don't make my mistake. Quit. If I could go back in time and never have started I would. I quit cold turkey about 4 months ago and am happy I did, its not too late my friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...