She's pregnant and I resent her...

[BornToResist]

I found out my yesterday one of my good friends is pregnant. I feel resentment towards her because of it.

 

I also am pregnant, and when I found out, she was one of the first ones I told. She was one of the few who encouraged me to keep it, which was good. However, she proceeded to lecture me on birth control. She told me that she knew I would be the first to have a child out of her friends because I was stupid about it.

 

She talks badly about the father of my baby when it's not invited (she did this yesterday). He has done some terrible things to me, but if I say something positive about him or our situation, she quickly shoots it down and begins talking trash. She also started telling my friends that I was pregnant when she knew I was keeping it a secret, and we had a huge fight about it.

 

She told me the news yesterday and I was excited for her, because it's not really my place to say anything bad. I wish her nothing but the best.

 

I know the obvious advice is to just get over it and be happy for her. I'm not upset that she's having this baby or anything, it just makes me more mad about how she acted towards me. Instead of bonding with her and going through this together like I want to feel, I feel like I want to do the same things to her to show her how it is. I know that is low and immature, and honestly it is too much effort and I'm not really like that.

 

How can I overcome these feelings? I know it's not my business to feel this way about her, but I don't know how to make it stop. I feel bad that I'm being so catty. Maybe my pregnancy hormones are making this more of a big deal when it really isn't. Any insight would help.

[southerngirl]

Oh that brings memories of when I first found out I was pregnant at 19! My friend and her aunt proceeded to lecture me about how stoopid I was and how I should have been more careful and blah blah blah..

 

Turns out my friend was pregnant too! Its like some sort of cosmic paybacks... The babies were born one month apart and we can laugh at it now. I had fun telling her how stoopid she was, when she should have known better seeing how she lectured me.

 

Just be her friend and be there for her, now Im sure she does regret some of the things she said to you. Shes in the same boat. Sometimes friends should forgive eachother and just love eachother even when its not easy.

 

Next time shes saying things that you feel are out of line about your babies dad, just tell her that shes out of line. If you cant speak freely shes not much of a friend.

 

But at the same time, if shes really your friend and is speaking out of love? Sometimes she may say things you dont want to hear even though she should say it if she loves ya. I guess its time to analize where she is coming froom, and what her motivation might be.

[Scout]

I'm not upset that she's having this baby or anything, it just makes me more mad about how she acted towards me. Instead of bonding with her and going through this together like I want to feel, I feel like I want to do the same things to her to show her how it is. I know that is low and immature, and honestly it is too much effort and I'm not really like that.

 

How can I overcome these feelings?

 

I absolutely agree with you that your resentment towards her is because of her words and actions. Which frankly, I can completely understand. While I can sort of understand why she trash talks the father of your baby...outrage with him at how he's treated you...the part about telling other people you're pregnant when you wanted it to stay a secret is definitely a breach of trust. Whenever a friend compromises our trust in us, we're going to feel hurt and angry.

 

I do think you can overcome your feelings, but I'm not sure if you can change your friend. Just sort of warning you about that in advance. It might be worth it to sort of weigh the pros and cons of her friendship, as objectively as possible, and then if you feel the friendship is worth salvaging, you might want to have a talk with her. And be honest about how her recent actions have upset you.

[minnie]

congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

Just be happy for you, even if she is not. You will always get people like that - i have them in my family.

 

Every situation they find themselves in - however similar to yours is totally different to them.

 

I thinks its self esteem issues or some kind of resentment or jealousy towards you, because if getting pregnant was such a silly idea why didn't she prevent it from happening to herself.

 

I would be tempted to say something just to make a point but thats me.

 

No arguments or anything but you know.

 

You are doing what you feel is right for you, so next time you hear her badmouth, just kindly tell her what you think about it.

[Dilly]

I agree with the above posts!

 

I wonder if each of your friends (BTR and SouthernGIRL) were envious and if your pregnancy may have made them realize how they would like to have another child. I see each of my family members getting pregnant within the next year, mainly because we're all old and have been postponing it for so long.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't let her talk trash to you anymore, BTR. Draw the line again and let her know you don't want to hear anything else derogatory about your baby's father.

 

Hang in there!

[Scout]

Anyway, I wouldn't let her talk trash to you anymore, BTR. Draw the line again and let her know you don't want to hear anything else derogatory about your baby's father.

 

I agree with this, but I would temper it a bit with, "I know that you've got my best interests at heart, and don't appreciate the way he's treated me. And I appreciate the times you listened to me when I needed a friend to talk with about what was going on with him. But, now that I'm pregnant, I'm trying to focus on as little negativity as possible in every area of my life, for the sake of my and my baby's wellbeing. So, if we could kind of ease off on trash talking my ex, it would help."

[southerngirl]

Yeah speak up and tell her when shes out of line. Its her loss if she cant respect your wishes, but you certainly dont have to be a doormat.

[BornToResist]

I agree with this, but I would temper it a bit with, "I know that you've got my best interests at heart, and don't appreciate the way he's treated me. And I appreciate the times you listened to me when I needed a friend to talk with about what was going on with him. But, now that I'm pregnant, I'm trying to focus on as little negativity as possible in every area of my life, for the sake of my and my baby's wellbeing. So, if we could kind of ease off on trash talking my ex, it would help."

 

I think this is the best idea. I don't want to burn any bridges because I think we will be close once I get over this issue.

 

I know she is the jealous/insecure type, but I don't have a problem with that. She just hurts herself. All her friends were getting married (like 5 within a couple months), so she and her boyfriend got married too. She was divorced 4 months later. She mimicks other people. Now she's having a baby, and although I'm concerned about that being her intention, it's not my place to say anything. This child is wanted and might be the best thing to ever happen to her. I am also happy that I will have a friend who is also a parent, since all my other friends are consumed with bars, partying, etc and I will have her to go through this with.

 

I will talk to her and then go from there. I bet she has good intentions in mind, but they are not welcome at this point and she needs to know.

[Scout]

Let us know how it goes, BTR. It also might help if you stress to her that the two of you need to be absolutely supportive of each other while you're both pregnant, as it's a challenging time.