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Finally hit me


Sinead
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It's always going to be over. I have mulled through each day for nearly 9 weeks - have done the whole NC thing for that long, so has he (even tho we never told each other we were doing NC).

 

End of the day, if there is NC from your ex and you want them back, sad but true, they're not contacting you because they dont want you, simple as that.

 

I was with my ex for nearly 4 years and obviously that time we had meant zero to him. I broke off with him because he gave me reasons to and he wanted it off more than I did. the way I sense it is he's not moping over me. He's having the time of his life - probably has a new gf.

 

Im more annoyed at myself for giving him my heart, my soul, my body everything, for worshipping him, from bringing the man out of him, the list goes on... some people dont want you to do that cos they have been spoilt with all that already.

 

I swear I will never again in my entire life give any guy my whole heart and I will never follow my heart. I will follow my head.

 

My advice dont ever follow your heart cos when you do you will spend your life suffering. The people who follow their head are always the happier ones from what I have seen.

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It is difficult to go through a breakup and totally agree with putting in every effort, emotion, heart and soul into the guy that you had thought loved you very much. It is unfortunate when they don't respect that and lose sight of it.

 

It is alright to follow your heart and your head but yet it is sometimes to listen to both. It always ends up being one or the other sometimes. The best thing that you can do is just learn from this experience and then move on. If you are done with that relationship, then move on. If my bf does not respect me or the things that I do, then I am ready to move on immediately. Why would I want to be with someone who does appreciate what he has? Instead of worrying about him having a gf, why don't you go out and find yourself a bf that will suit you best. Make yourself happy.

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I just feel so angry for being angry and upset over him and for allowing the good memories we had in. i hate him and I hope the wheel turns for him cos he deserves it. I hate myself for trusting him and loving him and for following my heart cos I swear i have done that and it never works, ever.

 

Yet there are guys here who seem really sweet and real men. My ex is a snail, the shell of a snail, beneath any guy I have spoken to on this forum and he has the audacity to just spend nearly 4 years wit me knowing he had no interest in me whatsoever. I hate saying stuff like this but people like him deserve to be in pain, not me!

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I am a firm believer of God and angels but now even though I believe they exist I dont understand y they arent helping. I lost my job a few weeks after I lost my ex.

 

Im jobless, heartbroken, spending so much time looking for a job. Im well qualified yet its taking me weeks to secure a job, if I dont find one soon Im gonna lose my nice studio appt and be back living with lunatics like I did before.

 

I wasted money on stupid angel cards where you shuffle the pack, pick a card up and its your "thought" for the day. I got a victory card and a passion card last week, and I saw no bloody victory or passion for me.

 

I saw a huge spider in my kitchen - and im terrified of them! But I thought the bigger the spider the more luck I would get. Usually when I do see one I get luck but not this time of course. I have absolutely no life. My friends arent that interested anymore in me cos Im always broke. In this day and age people only want your company when you have money.

 

Sorry for the digressing but I have all this crap in my head and I am so hot tempered right now and I wish I could leave it out but I have to control myself. im so angry and the so-called "powers to be".

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when it rains, it pours. but just like the clouds do not rain indefinitely, your life is not going to continue to get worst indefinitely.

 

sometimes when i'm struggling in life, you want to channel that energy into something where it can be productive. for instance, i've been hitting the gym on a consistent basis since i broke up w/ my ex a few months ago. i feel better, a relative and another friend commented how much better i look. i've gained ~20 pounds (and i plan on gaining another 20). i've started to set goals for my life (still need to get around to starting some of them). art, working out, writing, finding internal happiness... find what you enjoy, you can do it too.

 

but you have to be optimisitc and goal-oriented. YOU HAVE TO. otherwise, what's the point of living? sometimes breaking up with someone brings incredible clarity to your life, meaning to life, purpose. believe in yourself and you will find redemption.

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I would love to join the gym cos i think running around the block is boring but it costs a fortune to join a gym in this flipping ridiculous country. I have tried being positive, tried "moving on" got myself busy as much as I can but now my anger is growing, im losing hope in everything. I know ppl say if ur positive in life things work out, well its very hard being positive when im going through wat im going through.

 

im drinking bout 2 or 3 times a week(and I shouldnt be because my money will drop a lot quicker) on my own while watching a movie or playing my xbox. I hate the weekends because I have no interviews to go to and there isint as much to do as there is during the week days.

 

The first month I broke off with the ex, i went to a cousins and got into this whole meditation and angel crap to "find myself". Well it didnt work. I give up. Im sick of trying. "God helps those who help themselves" hahah. that is such crap. Ive been working my * * * trying to get a job, sort myself out, move on and nothing is happening. It has been 2 months and 1 week since the break off and I put everything into the 4 yr waste-my-life-rels and I got a nice degree education wise and a teaching qualification and I cant get a job. So i have done everything possible to make something out of myself and all I have found out is, why did I bother trying? why did I waste 5 years in college? Why did I waste nearly 4 years with an immature little boy?

 

So I dont care what happens to me anymore. Im gonna get a half bottle of bacardi and diet coke and drink. I know its stupid but i have no interest in anything else anymore. why should I when I work my * * * off to give myself a life and "God" wont ALLOW it.

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you sound like you need a giant reset button. i think a lot of people could use that. but unfortunately, it doesn't quite exist... yet.

 

you know what also makes me feel better in life? comparing my own suffering to the suffering of other people in the world. i'm not sure if you've had a chance to travel, but understanding and seeing the deplorable conditions that people live like in the world make me grateful and more compassionate as a person. it makes problems you feel like are the END OF THE WORLD seem small. seeing people who work in a shoe factory for X hrs a day doing the same thing over and over again, it very much changes your perspective on life and i think you need something like this to raise you up.

 

i know you're unemployed and feverishly looking for a new job. but instead of drinking bicardi and diet coke (i love how you're drinking it "diet"), go look to volunteer at the local church, woman's shelter. you will feel immensely better and i think it will help a) your outlook on life, b) help you get a job as you will be more determined and have a better attitude.

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I know I should compare myself more to people who are worse off than I am. I watched the Passion of The Christ about a month ago and I cried all thru the movie. I cry at movies but that movie brought a waterfall out of me. It made me feel better about my situation because of what Jesus went through but that lasted me about a week then I was back to feeling crap. Think I need to buy the movie.

 

I cant understand why something so nice and heartfelt as love can be so cruel. how can someone be made to fall in love and then fall out of love so easily. I just dont understand it. If im in love - and I usually really know that after 6 months to a year, i have no intention of flipping the switch off, i start thinking of the future, but in this day and age it seems to be called being needy and clingy. the only way to keep a man is to treat him mean. Im sorry guys but it seems that way from where Im looking.

 

Every single gal i know - including my older sister - who has treated their men like dirt get all his respect plus because off their hard nosed attitude, get everything else in life too.

 

but gals who give their men utmost respect and love are totally mistreated. Its like a gal's kindness - or even a man's kindness - is treated as a weakness.

 

This world really is something else. i dont believe in selfish acts like taking my own life and I certainly would never do that but i really feel I dont belong to this world. i love when i go to bed and hate getting up. Because when I sleep im not hurting that much - even though I dream of the evil ex bout 5 nights a week.

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Sinead,

 

I'm certain that things will improve for you. As your signature says 'when you're at rock bottom, the only way is up'. Keep your faith! Read the bible, your prayers will be answered but you can't decide the timing. You are going through this difficult time because God wants to teach you something. As you learn and grow, better things will come your way.

 

When your facing more than one difficulty at a time, the break up, your job situation, it can be very hard to feel positive. Anger and negativity prevent us from being creative in finding solutions. When we're happy, many things seem possible, or less important.

 

Don't try to tackle it all at once. Even a small change can set the wheels in motion.

 

Ok, you can't look for work at the weekend so put that problem out of your mind on weekends. Try not to dwell on that and concentrate on healing your broken heart. Do things that make you happy, even just getting engrossed in a good book. Go to church. Reach out to friends and family. Remember who you were before your ex and think about what you want from life....and be honest with yourself if your past, that you are mourning now, was what you wanted. Couldn't this be an opportunity to start afresh?

 

I'm talking almost as much to myself as I am to you. I know it's not easy! Try not to drink. I don't know about you but it gives me the serious blues the next day...

 

It's true that there are people worse off than ourselves and it's important to be grateful for our blessings in life but it's ok to feel down too.

 

Hugs to you hun...

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Thanks Nilli. I appreciate your advice. I just hope that whatever God is trying to teach me wont take long more, because I really dont know how much more I can take of it. i dont know what sort of change i should make first. I tried the whole change thing for a while and it didnt work.I just cant get him out of my head and it hurts me so much that I just know he could care less about me.just feel like sitting down and waiting for a miracle at this stage cos I have tried everything.

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Don't try to make a drastic change, it won't stick. Make small changes. Piece by piece. Just a small thing every little while and it will come to you.

 

You can't assimilate a new lifestyle in one massive thrust. It never works and you end up getting frustrated and fall back on old patterns.

 

I think the first change to make is to start doing some things you never did. You say that you spend a lot of time indoors on the weekends drinking and playing on your xbox or watching tv. try something new. Go for a walk. Just look at the life around you and appreciate it for what it is. Read a book in the park.

 

Sometimes, something will just click and you will be, "Oh, this *is* nice afterall". Don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. You haven't tried everything until you have actually tried everything... that takes much longer than anyone can hope to accomplish in this lifetime.

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Thanks NJRon. I actually like the park. I would probably rather start making a change in reading a book in the park. I love reading and have so many James Patterson books un-read.When I lost my bf I just had no interest in reading or anything.I dont even cook anymore just buy frozen foods the whole time. But I think going to the park and reading would be a nice first change for me. i'l try getting up earlier tomorrow and doing that.

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That sounds nice. I hope you enjoy it. I also found that, after a break-up, I had a lot of spare time and didn't know what to do with myself. One thing I started doing was, instead of buying groceries for a week, I would go to the gorcery store every day and buy just the food I needed for that night. Then, I would go home and prepare it. It would kill a couple of hours but, when I was done, if felt good because I was taking care of myself. I would clean the dishes right afterwards. It was something really simple for me... something that I stopped doing... but, I need to start it again. It was really satisfying for some reason.

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i still got the bacardi and diet coke though. its Friday night. Couldnt help myself. well i wont be having a drink for bout whole week after tonight as i'l be with my parents for a week and they barely like me smoking enuf as it is. i no im an idiot for drowning my sorrows but i never get inebriated enough to make foolish phone calls if you know wat i mean.

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sorry Viper its not back there. my pc has been skipping pages all day.dont know whats wrong with it but my norton has been scanning all day.

 

anyway I love this part of your post:

 

For me, my struggle was the way it always has been. To be there, support, commit, and love my partner like everyday was my last. I don't regret anything I have done. I feel good that I went through all I did, because the next time I love, that person will feel happiness from a stonger, healthier, more mature love.

 

I would love to be that person some day.

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Oh Sinead!

 

I don't know if this will help, but I really feel your pain...I lost everything I loved; my friends, security, home, dreams, goals, self respect, sanity, savings, reality, joy-- all in one day. (Well, about a week, actually, but time stopped making sense, and it esssentially boils down to the chain reaction from one day....) It's taken me a year, slowly working, hanging on and climbing out of the hole I've been in, to even get half-way near a shadow of the person I was. And I've only started to get better within the past couple of weeks!

 

I know what it is like to have a million things to deal with at once, when every day is a losing battle for your sanity, when it seems like everything is terrible and there is no hope in sight. I had absolutely no support system, no where to turn, only destruction and loss in front of me. I literally could not escape the pain, everywhere I looked there were reminders of all that I'd lost. I couldn't even retreat into my mind, because it was filled with the images of the happy past I'd had, and the terrible, terrible present; the life I have now pales in comparison... Taking my life wouldn't have even been selfish in my case, because I didn't think there was anyone left in my life to miss me! And therapy-- completely out of the question. There was no one around at the time, and by the time there was, help wasn't within my budget) I even bought those same angel cards!! (but I had to return them for grocery money, lol!) Just as you, I had, as i have now, only myself to rely on.

 

So knowing that you have only yourself to rely on, if it gets worse, you have only yourself to blame. Think about it, if your situation gets worse, you lose your apt, you'll just feel worse...why do that to yourself? For example, you said you liked the park, right? Well go out there, enjoy it! Try and discover something about it that you can be grateful about, and spend your time basking in gratefulness to God instead of hopelessness and anger at God. That may sound silly, but think about this: what if you never enjoyed that park to it's fullest, and it just disappeared one day? Knowing that you could have enjoyed it when you instead chose to hide indoors and xbox (?? don't know what this is) would make you feel even worse than you feel now. See what I mean? I have a hard time explaining things these days, so let me know if you need me to clarify...

 

Step one: First you have to prioritize: take the things you need to do, make a list, and decide which is most important. Make teeny tiny goals for yourself, goals that you think you can surpass. If you accomplish your goal for the day, pat yourself on the back! If you don't, give yourself a break, and make the next day's goal smaller....but if you surpass your goals, think of how wonderful that will feel! Does any of this make sense? Try it out, tell me what you think. Once we get step one down, we'll move on to step two together...see? Small, manageable goals.

 

Fortunately, I couldn't afford the booze, ha ha! But keep in mind, it is a depressant. Sunlight and excercize are natural stimulants; I suggest you get more of both of these things!! Let us know how you're doing, OK?

 

xo

-silly

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you so much for that lovely reply Sillygurl. It feels weird calling you Sillygurl cos you're not silly at all.I wasnt online for over a week because my internet was down. It was lovely to see what you wrote and Im relieved you understand.

 

Im feeling a little better at the moment. The only people that are really there for me in my life is my mum and my younger sister. They're great help. I only have two friends - one of them doesnt really give a damn about my situation, the other girl is SO there for me but she HATES my ex so much - well she hates guys in general (she's gay). She said if my ex and I were ever to get back, she would kill me cos he hardly ever saw me when we were together. Well there's no worry of that happening. Cos its nearly 3 months and he could care less about me.

 

Well my priority is to get a job. I went for 3 hours assessments and interviews for Dell the other day, and I should know my result before the weekend. I would LOVe to get the job. My recruitment agency is also trying to set me up for an interview with Google.

 

My bed seems so big and empty now. i miss the nights where we just held each other and looked into each other's eyes. About a week before we broke off we went to a nightclub and we had a fantastic time, the day before I called it a day with him, he was all over me. He didnt even want me washing the dishes cos he wanted to hold me all day. So I know he must have loved me a lot. But now he just doesnt care. If he really loved me, he would have called me and asked me to reconsider. I know I was the dumper but he was lying a lot to me and he hardly ever saw me. Its a long story, but just as well I did because from what I have seen he's obviously happy with the decision.

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Hi again Sinead,

Hope you got the job at Dell!! You'll find that once you start thinking positively, positive things will start happening again. For instance, you can think "I only have two friends" or "I am so lucky to have two true friends!" Once I changed my outlook from one of having too little- mourning the possessions I had lost- into an outlook of abundance- feeling grateful for what I still had, I started feeling a lot better.

 

If your bed feels big, get some huge body pillows to snuggle into! Trust me, it'll get better!

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