11 Months Later & Still Hurts Like Day 1

[TramatizedSoul]

Its been 11 months since my ex boyfriend left me for his ex girlfriend...it still hurts like it happened yesterday. We don't speak on the telephone but we email each other here and there. He's made it clear that its over because he doesn't call or even speak of anything that would trigger a conversation about us. The thing is when we was together I took care of him paid all the bill and things for 2 years because he didn't have a job and made it perfectly clear that he didn't want a job. Now since we've been apart he has a job and has been basically takin care of his new girl buyin her expensive gifts and things in this nature and its very hurtful. Is it wrong for me to wish he lost his freekin job and things like that. For some reason I can't let go and I've tried sooo many things. I just wanna stop lovin him cause its doing nothin but hurtin me more. How do I let go of all these feelings I have for him and live my life like he is doing.

[melrich]

You are wasting your life! How old are you 25? If so, you have spent 4% of your life consumed by a guy that does not want you. Another 12 months of this and that becomes 10%.

 

Move on with things. Life is way too short to waste like this.

[southerngirl]

You are wasting your life! How old are you 25? If so, you have spent 4% of your life consumed by a guy that does not want you. Another 12 months of this and that becomes 10%.

 

Move on with things. Life is way too short to waste like this.

 

wow great way of looking at this.

 

melrich is right, its time to let it go.

 

Why even talk to him at all you are hurting yourself! Let him go and dont contact him anymore, its only for your own good.

[shes2smart]

How do I let go of all these feelings I have for him and live my life like he is doing.

 

The simple answer is: You just do it.

 

If you catch yourself thinking about him, you remind yourself that his part in your life is OVER and you consciously MAKE yourself think of something else.

 

You keep yourself distracted with interests & hobbies you may have been unable to pursue when you were together.

 

You don't have ANY contact with him. The e-mails have got to stop. You do not need to know what is going on with his life.

 

If you have thoughts wishing him ill (like losing his job), try to change them to something good or at least neutral. What you send out is what comes back to you. If you go about wishing ill things towards others that will eventually come back around to bring that sort of ill will to you.

 

Get out and meet new people (not necessarily new love inerests...but just new people in general), even if you don't particularly feel like it.

 

Finally, remember this -- as long as you hold on to the past and what you had, you will have no room, time or attention to notice and welcome new things into your life.

 

The relationship is dead...don't hang on to the corpse.

[TramatizedSoul]

Its so easier to say than do. I was used to speakin to this man everyday numerous times a day for two years and I've managed to email him here and there and that's only because I drive myself crazy wonderin how he's doing. I know he's happy with his new girl but I'm obviously still in love and am tryin to let go but it just isn't easy I am really tryin.

[melrich]

It is easy to do.I lived with someone for 8 years. We spent just about every minute together that we were not working. Yes I still miss her occasionally but you have to be strong in yourself and say "It's over. I am wasting my life and energy focussing on this individual"

 

It's only not easy because this pining gives you an excuse not to go out and do something positive (because that is harder than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself).

[TramatizedSoul]

You gals are so right! I'm going to stop the emails altogether and just stop talking about him/ thinking about him and hoping he gets heart broken as well. I'm going to make a promise to myself to think only about my future and abandon all thoughts and pain from my past. I'm tired of thinking about someone who isn't thinking aout or caring about me.....

[melrich]

I think that is the attitude to have. Be positive. You have to WORK to get over these things. Your life is looking better already.

[TramatizedSoul]

My friend told me everytime I feel like emailing him I should listen to a song that makes me think about him and makes me upset....over and over and over until I get tired of it and the urge of emailing him leaves.

[kadvati79]

My friend told me everytime I feel like emailing him I should listen to a song that makes me think about him and makes me upset....over and over and over until I get tired of it and the urge of emailing him leaves.

Well, thats a lovely idea. And I am sure you friend meant well. But,... Im not sure how to put this diplomatically... I think your friend is....mistaken. (hehe)

 

We don't speak on the telephone but we email each other here and there.

Ok, thats problem number one. In fact, thats probably the BIGGEST problem. Why are you still talking to him? What exactly are you achieving by talking to him by email? I'm going to come back to this later in my post.

 

He's made it clear that its over because he doesn't call or even speak of anything that would trigger a conversation about us.

 

This is an extension of the problem above. Not only are you still contacting him, but you are contacting him under his terms. Why is this acceptable to you? Again, I'm going to come back to this.

 

The thing is when we was together I took care of him paid all the bill and things for 2 years because he didn't have a job and made it perfectly clear that he didn't want a job.

 

Now this isn't a problem, this is just how you feel. Thats quite natural. Looking at this from what you have posted, it seems he acted the way he did with you because he could. He continues to act according to his own rules because you let him set all the rules. Why do you do this? (don't worry, I'm getting to an answer...)

 

Now since we've been apart he has a job and has been basically takin care of his new girl buyin her expensive gifts and things in this nature and its very hurtful.

 

Occam's Razor tells us that "the simplist explaination is usually the correct one". The simplist explaination is that he acted the way he did because you tolerated it, and this new person will not. There is undoubtably more too it, but at a simple level, I'd hedge a bet on that. People will naturally gravitate to being lazy alot of the time. He probably wanted to do something, but he could get away with being lazy.

 

Is it wrong for me to wish he lost his freekin job and things like that.

Yes. But I am thinking of your health perspective, not his. Thinking of him any more than the odd "I remember when" is a sign that you aren't quite on the track for healing.

 

For some reason I can't let go and I've tried sooo many things .

Lets get into some answers here. All the way along I have asked you "why", I have asked why you tolerate what you have, and put up with his behaviour. Why have you continued to contact him, but only on his terms. I'm not sure what you have said in your mind, but in my mind I can see you saying "because I love him". And too you, I suspect, this is an acceptable answer. After all, isn't that what we do for the people we love? Sacrifice for them, be there for them? Well, yes to an extent. But is he doing that for you? Are you, and have you, ever got out as much as he put in? From the appearance, it looks like he hasn't. Just because you love someone. Whatever it is that you have tried, I fear that it has been based on the principle that "time heals all wounds" or something similar. That theory is absolutely useless in my opinion. Time heals nothing, for it is growth that will heal you.

 

On one hand, you tell yourself you are "trying" to stop loving him, you try and tell yourself to stop loving him. But on the other hand, you continue the act of loving him. For god's sake, stop the ACT of loving him, and forget about TELLING yourself not too! You can't stop the way you feel but you CAN stop your actions. Following me here? You need to cut all contact, and make it so that he and you have no option to contact each other.

 

I just wanna stop lovin him cause its doing nothin but hurtin me more.

As I said above, if you want to stop loving him. Stop acting on the love. The feeling of not loving him will come later.

 

How do I let go of all these feelings I have for him and live my life like he is doing.

Right, now its time for an action plan.

 

THE ACTION PLAN

1. Change your email address; at least temporarily. Give the account details to a friend you trust and get them to change the password for a specific period of time, but at LEAST TWO MONTHS. Nobody dies from not being able to access their email. You are not going to be able to stop yourself emailing him, or worse yet, replying to his, unless you put some serioius barriers in the way.

 

2. If you ever text each other, change your number. I don't care about the impact on your social life. This is ELEVEN MONTHS. Its time to get real here. You need to tear this heartbreaker from your life and commit to some serious change.

 

3. Remove everything that reminds you of him, and your old life. This man reflects the past. What is your future? You future is precisely whatever you choose to make it. Stop living in the past and get out there and find what your future is. You cannot say "I will never love like that again" because you are not clairvoyant. You cannot see the future. So unless you actually start LIVING in the future you will ALWAYS be stuck in the past.

 

4. Pick three things to improve in your life. For me it was: Gym, Social life, and setting up a new business. I picked on these three things and started doing little projects for each of them. For each step I took I rewarded myself.

 

You need to carve this man from your life, give him no hope, no avenue, with which to contact you. If you do this, you will force your mind, body, and heart to let go of this man. If you (and most importantly he) has NO method to contact you, at all, then you will be forced to accept the reality of it. Suddenly you will see the world as it really is. The future. And its a future where you will be happy, if you just let yourself.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT tell him what you are going to do. You owe this man nothing. He owes you nothing. NC is not something you announce or proclaim. The time for talking is over. Now is the time for DOING.

[Donster]

If you think about the fact that by contacting him or by pining away for him, all you are doing is feeding his ego, and getting nothing in return, you will realize that you need to direct your time an energy elsewhere.

 

Take time to focus on you, your needs, and your want. Do something new that will challenge you and make you feel good about yourself. Try a new hobby. Meet new friends. Take a class. Read some good books. Do something with someone who will make you laugh. Listen to the old song "wash that man right out of your hair"--and then take steps to move forward and do positive things for yourself.

 

You will be amazed at how soon your ex will become an afterthought, like a whisper, or a leaf blowing by in the breeze.

[shes2smart]

Its so easier to say than do. I was used to speakin to this man everyday numerous times a day for two years and I've managed to email him here and there and that's only because I drive myself crazy wonderin how he's doing. I know he's happy with his new girl but I'm obviously still in love and am tryin to let go but it just isn't easy I am really tryin.

 

I'm nearly 100% sure that everyone who has replied to this thread (and many, many others on this site alone) has been in a similar place. We have all had SO's who were there everyday, and then one day the realtionship was over and they were gone. In some cases it was a living together arrangement that broke up (I've gone through that scenario 3 times in my life...and that doesn't count non-living together relationships that broke-up), in some cases it was marriage that broke up.

 

After every break-up there's always come a point where I've had to make a conscious decision to stop wallowing in the misery and get on with life. It's hard at first, but developing any new habit is hard...just as breaking any old habit is hard. It requires decisive, consistant action. Icemoto boy also brought up this point and outlined some very sound specifics for you, IMO. It also requires determination to put yourself and your needs first. Personally, I've always found that some professional counseling helps move the process along, but it's not definitely not necessary.

[TramatizedSoul]

Icemotoboy thanks so much I really really read every word of your post and I agree with everything you say. I will put your advice to use.