His trust issue is tearing us apart.

[DreamsCometrue]

Hello everyone. I know this is long, but please read it because I really need your help. I've got a MAJOR problem that's almost tore me apart. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. I'm 21, but he's a couple years younger than me. I trust him completely with all of my heart, and I expect the same from him, but he's been cheated on before, and seems to hold it against me. I have done NOTHING to make him not trust me.

 

I had to move to a different city because of school, so we don't get to see each other but on the weekends. He almost broke up with me because he said he didn't believe in 'long distance' relationships. The thing is, I only moved 30 min. away. That's not long distance in my book. He says he loves me more than anything in the world and can't live without me, wants to marry me, and spend the rest of his life with me. He says he trusts me, but acts otherwise. The thing is, he is constantly worrying and paranoid that I will cheat on him. I could never ever cheat on him, even if I tried, it just wouldnt happen. Every time I go out with my friends, or do anything that involves leaving my room, he gets mad at me. Even if no guys are around, he still gets mad and makes me feel guilty for going out and having any fun at all. For example, a couple nights ago, a few friends of mine (which were all girls) were in the hot tub at our apartment complex just hanging out and chatting when he called. Of course I told him what I was doing, because I was doing nothing wrong. There were no guys there, just us girls, and he gets mad because I'm out there with them. Of course this pissed me off and it lead to a huge fight. That was just one example, there are a ton more that i'm not gonna sit here and list, but you get the idea. If I'm out anywhere, with friends or by myself, the first thing he asks is 'Are there guys there?' in a smart tone.

 

I can understand him being concerned if I'm around a bunch of guys, but I still expect him to trust me and understand that just because I have guy friends doesn't mean I'm trying to get in their pants. The only guy friends he feels comfortable with me being around are the couple gay guys that are like a brother to me (or sister haha). He has tons of 'girl' friends that he talks to, and I'm ok with that because they are just 'friends'. He has never cheated on me, and I honestly don't think he's capable of it because he once said that he would rather die than even look at another girl in a sexual way.

 

I feel like I can't do anything without his 'approval'. He wants to know exactly everything I do, who I'm with, and where I'm at. He never goes out with his friends, and very rarely does anything fun for himself. I try my best to get him to go out and have fun. I'm not constantly breathing down his neck asking who, what, when, where about everything, because I trust that he will behave and not do anything to lose me. If I had one wish, it would be for him to trust me, or at least for me to figure out a way to prove to him that he can trust me. This is really starting to tear our relationship up, and I fear that it will cause the end of us if some changes aren't made. I'm not going to sit in my room all semester and be a wall flower just because he has a trust issue. Yes I will try my best to help him overcome it, but I feel the only way for him to gain my trust, is by me going out with friends and actually proving to him that I won't cheat on him, and that he can trust me.

 

And its not like I'm going out to get away from him. What time I do get to see him, I devote myself completely to him and we spend as much time together as possible because we dont get to see each other during the week. My friends invite me out at least twice a week, but I usually end up turning them down and just sitting in my apartment alone, miserable and bored to death just because I don't want to have to go through another argument with him. It usually ends with me crying myself to sleep every night because I'm so miserable and afraid.

 

All my friends ask me why I put up with it, and tell me that I dont deserve to be treated like this. I'm so afraid of losing him that I usually just put up with his BS and act like it's not a big deal. I've told him before that everytime he does this he's only pushing me away from him, but yet he still does it. I do think he is the 'one' and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I love him too much to break up with him, and I feel like if I do break up with him that I will be miserable and love-less the rest of my life. I know there are more fish in the sea, but now that I have the (almost) perfect catch, I'm afraid to let him go. I just don't know what to do. Please help, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

[melrich]

I agree with all your friends, why would you put up with this. Tell him to cut his crap or it's over. You are too young to be in a relationship that is making you cry yourself to sleep.

[BornToResist]

I agree with Melrich. If you are miserable, let him go.

 

He is playing mind games with you and you are obviously being controlled. Whatever he is doing is working, and so you would rather be miserable and by yourself than out doing things a normal 21 year old would do.

 

He is limiting you. He is making you miss out on life because HE has a problem that you had nothing to do with.

 

This simply is not fair.

[DreamsCometrue]

Thanks guys! I feel like a prisoner when it comes to doing things besides sleeping and going to class... I know what I need to do, but it's easier said than done. We have broken up once before over this, but I only went about 3 days before I realized I loved him too much to let him go. Even though he puts me through this, I feel like I would be even more miserable without him. If only I could just help him get over his 'issue' so he would actually trust me, then our relationship would be close to perfect. We get along great on everything else under the sun BUT the whole trust thing. I feel like I've lost my identity, it's just not 'who I am' to sit in solitude while everyone else is out there having the time of their life. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? I wish he would understand that it IS possible to have a relationship and still be your own person at the same time..

[Aurian]

He is being controlling. Sounds like you have given him no reason to mistrust you, yet he treating you very badly. If he is the "One" you will probably have many evenings sitting at home alone while he goes out with his friends - male and female. Is this something you want to live with?

 

You may enjoy spending time with him, but this lack of trust will only cause a lot of hurt and pain down the road.

 

EDIT - have you thought about counselling?

[Fallout]

Just tell him if you wanted to cheat on him it would be the easiest thing in the world and he would never know it, so he needs to get that or get the door

[Aurian]

Or tell him that he is driving you away with these trust issues and he needs to decide if he's going to trust you (or go to counselling for it) or end the relationship.

 

Otherwise, he's comfortable with the way things are and probably won't change.

[Rabican]

sounds like he is not over the past baggage from when he was cheated on before. Now you are paying the piper... which isnt fair to you.

 

Hes either still too hurt, or too immature to be in this relationship. He shouldnt be freaking out on you every time you are not there with him or when you want to do your own thing. You have every right to have your own life and friends. So long as that life doesnt take a crap on your relationship with him (ie if you cheated on him).

 

I would tell him that his actions, and lack of trust is hurting you, and is not what you want, or are looking for in a relationship. If you have time and feelings invested, then give him a chance to change. Try to assure him that you are on the up and up, but if the situation stats status quo.. then end it. That wont be a healthy relationship if he continues.

[confusedcheryl]

if you think he's worth the trouble, why don't you try reverse phsychology? Most often guys don't know what he's doing hurts the other party so much. So put him in your shoes. That's what happened with my friend. One day she was so pissed off, she called him every 30 min to ask where he was and what he was doing and who he was with etc etc etc. After a few days, he finally snapped and told her she was being really irritating. And she casually said, well now you know how it feels. And he got it. So now they're ok.

 

Guys are really dense like that. I guess they only think about stuff from their point of view. Obviously, telling him how you feel doesn't work.

 

I know this feels like you're playing mind games with each other. And there's no guarantee that he'll get it at all. But if you really think you love him, then it's worth the try?

 

Just my two cents..

[DreamsCometrue]

Thanks you guys SO much. I like the reverse psychology idea though, that might actually work... Maybe he'll get a taste of what he's dishing out. I do think he can change, but it will take ALOT of work, and I'm willing to help him, but at the same time, I feel like I'm about to lose my mind from having to deal with all this. Thanks again everyone!