i'm jealous, he isnt sensitive, and porn

[ald]

I will start off saying i am a jealous person and very insecure. That is b/c every bf i have had has either cheated on me or left me for someone else. I have been with my current bf 3 years and we only fight about 2 things....my jealousy and porn. I love my bf with all my heart. Dont get me wrong, but i sometimes think he does me wrong by making me think all our problems are my fault. Granted some are. But when he hurts me he turns it around and puts the blame on me.

 

here are a couple of examples of when he said i was to jealous. He had the friend that was a girl. When he was single they would email back and forth all day. It continued when we started dating. i was fine with it. Met her and everything. But one day he couldn't get his email to work so he gave me his password to look at something for him. I saw all these emails from her, so naturally i looked at them. they would banter back and forth about me! She would tell him to ditch hanging out with me tonight and come hang out with her! And he would tell her he would try. There was about 20 like this. A couple had just kidding in them, but i didn't appreciate him joking about me or our relationship with another girl. He understood and did feel bad. But then got mad at me b/c i didn't like her anymore. So i automatically became overly jealous to him. Another one is he had another friend(female) that called him to tell him she was leaving her husband and she was proud of herself. And asked him to go to lunch sometime. That kind of bothered me but i got past it. A couple of weeks later he left his work email up at home. Naturally i read her emails. he told her that i wasn't comfortable with them going to lunch alone. She said i didn't need to be b/c they were just friends. Then she added, why didnt anything ever happen between us?he said i dont know, why didnt anything? And once again, b/c i said i wasnt comfortable with all that, i became ultra jealous gf.

 

Is it wrong for me to not feel comfortable with things like that? In a nice way he tries to make me think i am the only one that has a problem.

 

the other issue is porn. I obviously dont like it b/c i am insecure. When we didn't live together at the beginning of our relationship, he would look at it like everyday. Now that we live together he doesnt have that much time alone and maybe does it once or twice a week when i am not there. Unlike the other girls on this issue, i HAVE told him how i feel about it. And how it really hurts me, makes me sick to my stomache, and makes me feel horrible about myself. he makes it look like he has cut down a lot for me, but he had to b/c i live with him and i am around more. I really have tried to be ok with it, but i just cant ignore my feelings about it. We have talked about marriage a lot, and when we argue about this subject he tells me that i either have to get over it or leave. Is that fair for him to do that?

 

he does love me, and he tells me that he does and we do have a wonderful sex life. And we love being with eachother and doing things together. But i feel sometimes like he is ok with losing me but not porn. he tells me he has cut down, but him and his buddies have this email group b/c they all have computers at work. They do talk about sports and such, but mostly they send porn that they find to eachother. And it is an everyday occurrence. he saves everything they send him. he has about 300 pictures and videos of girls. One set is a girl they went to highschool with and one of the guys got pictures of her. i told him i didn't like him having pictures of someone he knows. I just dont think it is right. And once again i am stupid and ultra jealous and he doesnt see what the big deal is. The last fight we had about this subject was a couple of months ago. I got in the shower for us to go out with some friends. i just had a feeling he was doing something. I got out of the shower and walked in on him masturbating to the porn pics from his little email group. I could tell he felt bad by his voice and look on his face, but all he did was say i'm sorry. And thought that fixed the problem. And he couldnt believe that the next day i was still upset about it.

 

What should i do? this is what the majority of our fights. And i have talked to him about it and nothing changes. Is there maybe something else i should say. I dont want to leave, but maybe there is something i need to say that i havent.

[InaneCathode]

In a nutshell, you admit to being overly jealous and insecure. You want to get rid of the things that you are jealous and insecure about, the girl and his porn. I suggest, instead of doing that, eliminating your jealously and insecurity as they won't go away, they'll come up again with different people and different subjects.

 

As a side note thats completely subjective, it comes off like you're proud of being jealous and insecure, like a namesake you dont want to lose. Just an opinion of course.

[ald]

I am not sure i understand what you are saying?

 

I didn't mean for it to sound like i am proud of being jealous and insecure. Sorry for that. I am just asking for advice on if i am being stupid and jealous about these things, or if it is normal that they bother me. Also asking for advice on if he is being fair to me with all of this.

 

The girl is not a problem anymore. That was just an example. he told his mother i was way too jealous. ( she is a psychologist) and she talked to me about it. but he didnt tell her the whole truth about those examples and when i did, she understood why it bothered me.

 

Thank you for your reply, but i must have not worded things correctly. I just wanted to see if to other people it looked like i am overly jealous or if they are things that should bother me and that would bother other people.

 

As for the porn issue, i just wanted to see how other people would approach the problem. he shows no signs of stopping ever, even though he knows it hurts me.

[NJRon]

InanCathode said what I was going to say.

[ald]

I am sorry. i must have not worded things right. i do tend to be a little jealous. I am not proud to be insecure. I was just letting you know that about myself, so that it would maybe make a little more sense why these couple of things bother me. Sorry about that.

 

I am looking for advice to see if i am being ridiculous, or if it is normal that these things bother me.

 

Also i am looking for advice on how to approach the porn issue. i really dont like it, and he knows that it hurts me yet he still does it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Ald,

 

Sounds like you've got a really nice guy there, to be honest. In that you can talk to him about whatever it is that you've found on his email, and he's willing to talk it through with you. (Personally I would not take well to someone looking at my email account, but there you go). The emails don't sound incriminating, just friends with women.

 

The porn thing - well, he's modified it to accommodate your feelings to some extent, hasn't he? I doubt very much he will give it up, and it depends if you're comfortable with that. I don't want to generalise, but I would say that the majority of men that I know like porn; do you want him to give up porn altogether? I wasn't quite sure what your point was about that.

 

He sounds like a nice guy who makes you feel loved; and also someone who you can *tell* all these feelings too. I would try to work on your jealousy, and carry on communicating with him. These are your issues, as you acknowledge, and him changing his behaviour is just not going to help you. You would merely switch it to something else, to be jealous of something else.

 

Good luck - jealousy is such a hard emotion to deal with.

[ald]

Thank you honey pumpkin. I think the first 2 replies may have taken what i was saying the wrong way. i am not proud that i am insecure or have issues with jealousy.

 

He is a nice guy but when i share my feelings about porn to him, he basically ignores them. I just hate the thought of him looking at other girls in that way.

 

I have tried to compromise with him and be excepting. I told him i would try to be ok with just pictures of random girls, but not pics of girls that he knows. I just dont think that is right. Which of course may just be my

opinion. But i asked him to get rid of the pics of the girl he knows. And he said that he did. And then come to find out he never got rid of them. Just told me that he did. And out of the 300 pics, those are the only ones i asked if he could get rid of them.

[ald]

one thing i didnt put in my first post, is that every chance he gets that i am not at home, he looks at porn. A while back it was my dad's b'day. And my whole family was going to dinner. For some reason he didnt want to go. It really hurt my feelings b/c i am close to my dad. When i got home he forgot to delete some things. He looked at porn while i went to my dad's b'day party by myself. Is that right?

 

I sometimes think that he is obssessed with it. Is it crazy to think that? And we have a healthy sexual relationship. So what need does he have for it? i see the need for single people.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone!

 

I have to agree with the other posters. He sounds like a nice guy and you both had some awkward moments. I too, walked in on an ex watching porn and masterbating. Woah, I do not know who was more embarressed, me or him.

 

Jealousy is a tricky emotion to contend with. So, the first thing on the list is to figure out where the insecurity and jealousy is coming from. I think your boyfriend's female friends and his porn may exasberbate the already present issues. So, in saying that, you may want to backtrack a little and find out why you feel this way. Perhaps, therapy can help you with these emotions. Youn mentioned early in your post you seem to attract not the greatest men. Well, let's examine the common demontator....you. What it is that causes this? What is about you that attracts these type of individuals?

 

I found an awesome link about coping with jealousy and I will paste some experts from it....

 

'Several investigators have attempted to classify the strategies people use to cope with jealousy. One of the most extensive classifications includes nine strategies for coping with jealousy. link removed The nine strategies fall into two groups based on their goals. Problem-solving strategies are aimed at changing the situation to reduce the threat from a rival relationship. These strategies include:

• Improving the primary relationship
  - The goal of this strategy is to make the primary relationship more appealing to the partner than the rival relationship. This is accomplished by increasing the partner's rewards or lowering the partner's costs. Examples include making oneself more attractive, doing more household chores, participating in more activities the partner enjoys, and engaging in more frequent intimate communication.
  
  
• Interfering with the rival relationship
  - The goal of this strategy is to make the primary relationship more appealing to the partner than the rival relationship. This is accomplished by increasing the partner's costs or lowering the partner's rewards in the rival relationship. Examples include interrupting interactions between the partner and the rival, inducing guilt in the partner for seeing the rival, verbally or physically assulting the rival, and witholding affection from the partner.
  
  
• Demanding commitment
  - The goal of this strategy is to force the partner to make a decision which increases the difficulty of leaving the primary relationship. Examples include pretending one has another potential partner who desires a more committed relationship, asking friends to pressure the partner into making a greater commitment, proposing marriage, and getting pregnant.
  
  
• Self-assessment
  - The goal of this strategy is to change oneself in a way that reduces the tendency to experience jealousy or that minimizes the effects of jealousy on the relationship. Examples include undergoing psychotherapy, developing better relationship skills, reading books on how to make oneself sexier, and taking up meditation."

"

Emotion-focused

strategies are aimed at regulating the emotions that occur after one perceives a threat from a rival relationship. These strategies include:

• Derogation of partner or rival
  - The goal of this strategy is to preserve a positive sense of self by discrediting one's partner and by lowering one's opinion of the rival. Derogation of the partner helps prevent the partner's behaviors from provoking negative emotions. Examples of derogation of the partner include beliefs that the partner cannot be trusted, name calling, and pointing out character flaws. Derogation of the rival puts the rival in a less favorable position when compared to oneself. Examples of derogation of the rival include noticing the rival's faults, fantasizing about the unworthy aspects of the rival, name calling, provoking the rival to behave inappropriately, and manipulating the rival into a humiliating situation.
  
  
• Developing alternatives
  - The goal of this strategy is to find other sources of attachment, support, affection, self-esteem, or other qualities that are being threatened by the rival relationship. This strategy reduces dependence on a particular partner to meet these needs. Examples include seeking new romantic partners, spending more time with friends, spending more time with one's children, wrapping oneself up in work, getting a pet, and joining a hobby club.
  
  
• Denial/avoidance
  - The goal of this strategy is to manage emotions by supressing or avoiding them. This can be accomplished by denials ranging from ordinary rationalizations to major distortions of reality. It can also be accomplished by avoiding situations or stimuli that provoke negative emotions. Examples include pretending that one does not feel jealous, walking out on a date, getting drunk, or performing an activity that requires constant attention.
  
  
• Support/catharsis
  - The goal of this strategy is to manage emotions by expressing them in a safe situation. This is accomplished by expressing the emotions to supportive family or friends. Although cartharsis, a cleansing release of the emotions, is always a goal of this strategy, it is not always achieved.
  
  
• Appraisal Challenge
  - The goal of this strategy is to manage emotions by changing the way one thinks about situations or thinks about oneself. Examples include changing the way one thinks about sex roles such that one becomes less jealous, or looking at a partner's outside friendships as something that benefits the relationship by making the partner happier (rather than threatening the relationship through rivalry)."

Here is the link if you want to look the whole thing....

link removed

 

 

 

[ald]

thank you kellbell for the info. I know i need to work on jealousy issues. It would make me and him feel better. There is one thing that i would like an opinion on. Is it wrong that i dont think looking at porn is right, especially when for whatever reason it hurts the other person in the relationship?

 

I know why guys look at it, but i feel like if your in a wonderful, long-term relationship(epsecially one with a great sex life) what is the need? Liike other girls on this issue, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

[ald]

kell bell, i read the article and i think i might have given the impression that i am horribly jealous. Most of those do not apply to me. I am jealous about some things, but not where i want to confront or fight the person i am jealous of. And i am not jealous of anyone actually. In my first post, i mentioned 2 examples of where my BF said i was being ultra jealous. I was not jealous of those girls. i just didnt think the conversations with those girls were appropriate. But i have never and would never confront those girls. We see them from time to time, and b/c they are his friends, i am friendly with them.

 

I just wanted to know if others agree with him and i am being jealous or am i in the right and he shouldnt tell some other girl that he tried to ditch me but i wouldnt leave?

[kellbell]

Well, maybe not horribly jealous but there was some good things in there.

 

Porn seems to be an issue that couples deal with and can cause some conflict. I personally do not mind it, as long it is in healthy and moderate doses and is not causing a rift in my relationship or being a subsistute for our (me and my boyfriend's) sex life.

 

This may be a silly question, but have you entertained the idea of perhaps viewing it with him? Many couples do that, as a way to enhance things, to get ideas, to get in the mood, for a variety of reasons.

 

Now, the issue of addiction comes up. Addictions are tough to deal with, as with gambling, drugs, alcohol. If that is the case, you have a bigger issue at hand, an issue that requires professional attention.

[InaneCathode]

Cross the statement of mine that said you're proud of being jealous, i misinterpereted autolableing as pride.

 

Sounds like you're a perfectly reasonable person capable of self reflection, you should see a counseler and see what the best way to help yourself.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

The porn part leapt out at me.

 

He is part of a porn ring/online club thing?

 

Jesus, I'd have dumped his pathetic * * * * * for that alone. That's sick - why would you marry anyone like that???

[Momene]

Lots of blokes find it easier to talk emotional stuff with other girls, me included. I don't see his friends as a threat.

[Rajjj_2005]

Here is my case and for you it is from opposite angle. I am a married man having jealous , ill-tempered wife with sex as big no-no. May be your husband has same feelings which i am suffering from . Whatever he is doing , same thing I am also doing but the only difference is that I keep everything hidden from my wife. The question of loving my wife is difficult to answer but i am still a single woman's man. I don't how for it will be true. Think about my case and try to behave with your husband as polite and open as possible. Hope you both live happily. You can write to me at sak20011attherateindiatimesdotcom ( email removed) if you feel my experience may help you in peaceful life

[ald]

thanks everyone for your replies.

 

Just to clear up some things, he is not my husband and he doesn't want to be a single woman's man. he does not talk to those 2 examples of girls i mentioned. And one good thing about him, i did not ask him to do that.

 

Also he is not a member of a porn club. trust me, if he were then i wouldn't be with him. Him and his friends from college and highschool have this email group. While they are all at work they all talk about sports, eachother, etc.... But they also send eachother porn they find. Some of it is stupid, funny ones, but then are some for material.

 

Forget about him talking to those girls, the thing that i have a big problem with is the porn. he does only do it once or twice a week when he happens to be at home and i am not. But it just really bothers me for some reason. Example, yesterday is when i joined here and started tlaking about this. he had a meeting yesteday afternoon and it ended at 4pm. So instead of going back to work for 45 min., he just went home. he got home around 4:30, and i dont get home until 5:45pm. And i knew he would look at it. And he did! I just dont see the point.

 

But just so that everyone will know, i did talk to him about it last night. And things are good now. i dont want to tell any personal details, but we both agreed to work on things. I know he won't stop , but i think he really realized last night how it makes me feel. And it may be stupid i dont like it. But people are different and i am just one of those that is not ok with it. Thank you all for your input. We don't have a bad relationship and we dont argue all the time or anything. but this is just the only subject we argue about when we do argue. But i think things will be great now. he said some really wonderful things to me last night. Thanks again everyone.

[doyathink]

All I have to say is been here, lived it, still living it, accept it, it won't change! EVER!

[candy604]

about the porn, glad to hear he has cut down. But most girls do get mad at it b/c it's degrading to women. Nothing is wrong with you, guys just tend to look at porn ( even married men, kinda sick though!) But when porn starts intereferring with your life and events, there's a problem ( like your dad's bday). It can become an unhealthy addiction.

 

And guys like to send porn to each other, I don't know why. I did get mad at my bf for it and told him why he wants to accept it. I think he felt bad after a while.

 

Maybe you should look at some porn and have ur bf catch you and see what is reaction is lol. I wonder if he'd care if your looking at other guys. Maybe he can see how it feels when he looks at porn. But nothing changes, b/c he doesn't see why it should bother you or since all his friends do it, why can't he. That's why. Tell him in moderation, not like 24/7 and missing events. yeah and i think you have to be there to actually see the pics get deleted ( and trashed). I'd be utterly mad in your situation!!

 

Um..lets see..i have an idea, instead of wanting to watch porn, can he just go and spend his time playing sports or hanging with his buddies, watching tv shows or something, do the chores? something more productive than watching porn.

[ald]

thanks candy604,

 

I actually thought about it and if that is the worst he does, then i have a good guy. About missing my dad's b'day, that actually spawns off of him being an only child and not being close to his family. (Broken home). He didn't stay home just to look at porn. he works out every night and that is what he did. That was him just being a little selfish and doing what he wanted to do. But he got home from working out like an hour before i got home and that is when he looked at it. he is not a bad guy at all, and he is not by any means addicted to it, I just don't like it. But things are good since i talked to him.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. That was the only problem i had. I am not meaning to sound rude, but since my bf and i have worked things out, i dont want to keep thinking about it. Time to move on. Thanks though for all the replies. They did really help. It is nice to talk to people who dont know anything about the situation or the parties involved. Friends tend to be partial. Everything is good and i am glad to say i am moving on. I am glad i came accross this site. Thanks.