Me update.. FEars

[southerngirl]

This is just an update about me.

 

I put it under parenting although this would cross, grief... pregnancy,,, parenting..... personal growth.

 

I am now 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I am expecting my daughter to be born in Dec. Im so excited and such a nervous wreck all at the same time.

 

Im naming her after my mother. Im excited and scared to do this all at the same time but I really feel its the perfect name. I hope she likes it.. I know that my mom loves it wherever she is.

 

What in the world am I going to do with three kids? How will I manage!!

 

I have two boys ages 8, and 20 months... How will this new one fit into the family dynamic? How in the world will my husband support us all..

 

What in the world am I thinking even having more kids? WAs this right? I planned this I want this... We will be married 3 years in March. He wanted children I wanted more children, but I was a single mom for 5 years before this. I have been there before being the only parent a kid has. What will I do with three if this doesnt work out.

 

My mom passed away in AUg of 04.. This past 25th marked the two year aniversary.. I watched her die from cancer, a slow an agonizing process. She was abusive toward me emotionally, verbally, and physically.. I am finally free from all that.

 

When I joined the forum about a year ago, actually nov of last year, i was so depressed. It has been so hard.. i am finally seeing through the fog here but is the depression going to hit me again like a sledge hammer when the holidays roll around? What about when I have this baby without my mama here.... Yeah we had our problems but I love her... I allways will. I have to come to grips with it all and find a way to forgive her.

 

Im going to counseling now, have started to see a psychologist for therapy. So far we havent got into to much.. Just background info and last time I went I took, some tests... Dont know the results yet. I am going every 2 weeks I hope he can help me.

 

I need help. Im an abuse survivor... How do I put my guard down? Ive got such a dont BS me attitude... I can go from Zero to full on war in 60 seconds if I even think someone is out to hurt me or my kids.. Will I ever calm down?

 

Im a rape survivor. I repressed what happened when I was 14. Oh yeah, I wills ay that doesnt affect me but does it?

 

How do I forgive my mom and move past all the things she did to me? How can I be sure I wont do this to my kids? How do I assure them and myself they wont be as screwed up as I am?

 

Im so glad I found enotalone, I hope Im able to help out other people in my own small way... YOu all have been a big help to me more than you will ever know. Im not as big of a basket case as I was when I joined Nov 05... Just a smaller one.

 

If I fall apart over the next few months with the holidays, the birth of my baby... BIrthdays of my first two.... starting with moms death aniversary just a week ago.. you know why.. Thanks for being here.

[southerngirl]

*sigh* I guess no one wants to reply... yeah I know the post rambles etc.... thought someone would have some kinda perspective or support.. anyways..

[redrose85]

I'm finding it hard to reply to your post, but I can relate with the Mother bit. I'm not on good terms with my Mother, and I haven't been for years. My greatest fear is not having her around when I get married, and have babies one day. I know how scary it can be without a mother, but your mother doesn't sound like a very positive figure in your life at all, but of course you love her unconditionally, and I get that. Try not to worry so much. Your man is with you because he loves you. "is the depression going to hit me again like a sledge hammer when the holidays roll around?" I can promise that it won't, because I seem to get depressed every holiday that goes by, and I'm still depressed from my brother's wedding last weekend, when she was there and did her best to pretend I didn't exist. I fell into a major funk after that, but I've started to pick myself up, dust myself off. I think you are having pre-baby jitters, just try to relax, and focus on the positives, get your new little one's room ready, etc... Is there anything about your relationship that is sending you red flags or causing you doubt? I know it's tough, but you need to be strong for your kids, and for the new little one. You're stronger than you think you are.

[southerngirl]

Yeah me and husband get along great. I just cant help but worry.

 

My mom was abusive and never gave me unconditional love I felt she should. Shes gone now though, not to come back. Still its hard going through this and not having her to talk to.

 

I can relate to your getting into a funk over how your mother treated you. My mom used to do that to me too. Parents just dont realise how they really can damage a child with abuse.. how the things she would say to me can last for years. Maybe the counseling will help, Im hoping it will.

 

Here where I live I dont have many people to talk to. Just my husband and his family . We go to church but I dont confide in the people there. Guess im just nervous about the new baby and wondering if Ill be able to handle it..

[justpaisley]

What in the world am I going to do with three kids? How will I manage!!

 

The same way everyone else with 3 kids manages! You can do it!

 

How will this new one fit into the family dynamic?

I can imagine that he/she will be very close to your 20-month old. Children that are that close together are a bit of a hassle at first, but when they get older they will be very close. Your 8-year-old will be a GREAT big brother, and will be able to help out even more than he did when your 20-month-old was born. When you have to breastfeed, or sleep for a few minutes, or something, your boys can play quietly for a few minutes in their bedroom(s) until you're finished.

 

How in the world will my husband support us all..

Strict budgets, lots of beans, and hand me down clothing.

 

What in the world am I thinking even having more kids? WAs this right? I planned this I want this... We will be married 3 years in March. He wanted children I wanted more children, but I was a single mom for 5 years before this. I have been there before being the only parent a kid has. What will I do with three if this doesnt work out.

Sweetie - you know what this is. Every pregnant woman goes through this. I went through this, you've gone through this before... You're getting cold feet and the jitters. No matter how textbook "ready" we are for this, we still get scared and wonder how we'll handle things. If things don't work out between you and your husband (which you don't even need to worry about!!!), you will take that no good deserter for everything he's worth and make sure his child support payments leave him with enough money to feed himself and get back and forth to work and nothing else.

 

My mom passed away in AUg of 04.. This past 25th marked the two year aniversary.. I watched her die from cancer, a slow an agonizing process. She was abusive toward me emotionally, verbally, and physically.. I am finally free from all that.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. First, for all the abuse you had to suffer, and second for having to watch your own mother die of such a horrible disease.

 

When I joined the forum about a year ago, actually nov of last year, i was so depressed. It has been so hard.. i am finally seeing through the fog here but is the depression going to hit me again like a sledge hammer when the holidays roll around?

It might. You'll be giant pregnant and/or caring for a newborn right around the holidays. Both are difficult. But if the depression does hit you, you know the address to go to for help and support. enotalone.com.

 

Im going to counseling now, have started to see a psychologist for therapy. So far we havent got into to much.. Just background info and last time I went I took, some tests... Dont know the results yet. I am going every 2 weeks I hope he can help me.

I'm glad you're going to counseling, I would have suggested it if you weren't. Keep up with it, it WILL help.

 

I need help. Im an abuse survivor... How do I put my guard down? Ive got such a dont BS me attitude... I can go from Zero to full on war in 60 seconds if I even think someone is out to hurt me or my kids.. Will I ever calm down?

Talk these things out with your therapist. And going from zero to full on war if you or your children are threatened, I think, is normal. At least, normal for a mother.

 

Im a rape survivor. I repressed what happened when I was 14. Oh yeah, I wills ay that doesnt affect me but does it?

Probably on some level. I have been sexually abused, and have spoken to my therapist about it. While those feelings of vulnerability and the overcompensating for that vulnerability will probably always stick around, I just have to deal with it on a day by day basis. Also, people deal with things differently. Don't look at other rape survivors or abuse survivors and compare your grief and emotions to theirs. You are you.

 

How do I forgive my mom and move past all the things she did to me? How can I be sure I wont do this to my kids? How do I assure them and myself they wont be as screwed up as I am?

One day at a time. You have to live one day at a time. Tell yourself when you wake up in the morning that you will not be emotionally, physically, or verbally abusive to your kids today. Give them extra hugs. You are not your mother.

 

I know you said that you don't open up much to the people at church, but is there some way you could ask for help? Three kids ARE a handful, even if one of them is older. I know it seems like a ding to your pride, but people want to help. After I had my baby, and he was in the NICU, people were offering to do so much for me and I was all super-mom and could do it myself. I wish I had asked for more help from more people, because it would have made my life a lot easier. Let people help you. If anyone says "let me know how I can help!" Have them make a casserole. Excuse me for this generalization, but if you're a southern girl, and you go to church, I KNOW those people can cook, and would be more than happy to. You know how you feel when your loved ones are distressed - you just want to help? So do your friends, and your church friends, so let them. Let someone come do your laundry, or babysit your boys so you can sleep, or mow your lawn... anything. What about your mother-in-law? Do you have sisters, or sisters in law?

 

You are one of my favorite people here, and *I* want to help you. You don't live in central Mississippi, do you? Because I'd be over in a second. (Well, unless one of your boys was sick - gotta be careful with my preemie!)

 

BIG hugs to you - you WILL get through this. One day at a time, remember!!

[sonjam]

Hey girl, just the fact that you actually care and worry about these things means that the fight is 90% won from your side. WANTING to be a better person, a better parent and having the "wolverine instince" to protect your offspring will put you in the driver seat of all your fears. YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. Im sure you were worried about your family dynamic when your second child was born too, and that worked out just fine didn't it?

[southerngirl]

Thank you for your replies, it means alot to me.

[southerngirl]

I keep buying these stuffed chicken breasts that are stuffed with brocoli and cheese... put it in the microwave for 2 minutes hmmmmmmmmm...

that or Grilled STuffed burritos from taco bell =)

 

Probally fattening but it sure tastes good!

 

I finally got a new changing table/dresser for our newest, and some clothes for her.. Its so unreal I halfway cant believe I am finally going to have a daughter!.

 

Oh we still have a crib, from the older baby, bouncy seats, bottles (need nipples) and other things.. but clothes we need alot more pink. I guess Im starting to move past the 'what am i going to do phase' and into the nesting phase.

 

I cant wait till I can hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright.