Cross-country relationship, need for intimacy

[tyrant]

About a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because I no longer felt attracted to him and wanted to see other people. Because of this and money issues, I transferred from the college in that town (small liberal arts school, very small town) to a larger university where many of my friends from high school are still attending college. Shortly after that, I met a wonderful man and we have been together ever since. Our relationship is fairly serious, with many conversations about the future, marriage, kids, etc. Problem is that a few weeks ago he left for graduate school on the other side of the country. We have the same cell phone company so calling each other is free, though the three-hour time difference and class schedules only allow us to talk during early evening hours. We will only see each other at christmas, spring break, and then next summer I am planning on attending graduate school near him so we will likely be together again. So, only twice until next June, with three-month gaps in between.

 

Now I am faced with my senior year with some of my good friends from high school but without anyone to kiss, hold me, go out on dates with, etc. Add to this men I admired in high school are also taking classes here and showing me attention now that I am here attending this university. I really love my boyfriend but I'm afraid that the desire for physical attention and the jealousy of friends who are able to have it is going to create resentment and I will let it build up until it causes a big fight. I cannot and will not go behind his back to have physical attention, but I can see the desire to do it driving me crazy if things keep going the way they are. I know that no one can compare to how he makes me feel and he is the most talented person I have had in my bed, that I would never have these feelings of desire for other people if he was still here, and that I want to be with him next summer and for the rest of my life. There should never be a time that we are separated like this for so long again so this would be the only time it is going to happen.

 

Is it reasonable for me to want to take a break from being monogamous while he is so far away while still having the intention of being with him after I graduate? He has never slept with anyone before me and this is his first serious relationship, so I have no idea how he would react to this. Has anyone else done this with success at having the relationship survive after coming back together? I don't want to lose him over this but I also don't want my sex drive to push us apart.

[Aschleigh]

If this is serious I would suggest moving to be near him soon. Long distnace relationships I find are fraught with this kind of longing, non-monogamy, frustration.

Can you move to be with him and then continue school there?

There is no way to tell what will happen if you open the can of "taking a brake from momagamy". All sorts of feelings appear when you have sex with someone.

It's a huge risk to the relationship that you want to be permanent.

If you must , I would have sex with someone you definitely don't care about and never tell your boyfriend.

If you open things up into an open relationship, he will have sex with other women. Women who will become attached. Women who will be physically there when you are not. Women who will become his physically available girlfriend.

[Hope75]

Is it reasonable for me to want to take a break from being monogamous while he is so far away while still having the intention of being with him after I graduate? He has never slept with anyone before me and this is his first serious relationship, so I have no idea how he would react to this. Has anyone else done this with success at having the relationship survive after coming back together? I don't want to lose him over this but I also don't want my sex drive to push us apart.

 

It's really not reasonable to expect him to agree to this. What you are basically telling him by asking this is that physical intimacy is more important to you than your relationship and physical intimacy with HIM. It's pretty selfish to expect him to be OK with you sleeping with other people and for him to wait for you to finish up with that and then take you back. Even if he is "allowed" to sleep with others during this time- how can you expect a relationship and those feelings to survive that?

 

Are there other ways to achieve physical intimacy with him while you are apart? (like, say, phone sex with him with a vibrator or other toy?) Web Cam mutual masturbation?) This is 2006, there are ways to get creative and still enjoy physical pleasure with him- even if you are touching yourself while talking to him.

 

I think if you propose what you are suggesting to him- you will lose him. Even if not right away, because I don't know anyone who would be comfortable with this. Think carefully before you choose.

[SarahRose]

It's only been a few weeks and you're already thinking about sleeping with other people?

 

At least you are in the same country.

 

My bf and I go for 3-6 months without seeing each other. I'm a very horny girl and I manage well doing without for that time. Sure there are plenty of attractive men around and I don't lack for attention from men but the point is, I only want to be with him.

 

If you really feel you can't remain faithful then maybe your feelings towards him aren't as strong as you think they are.

 

Maybe you should just end things with him. High school relationships seldom last anyway and there's lots of sowing your oats left to do before settling down.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with your sex drive. It just means you are not as committed to him or interested in keeping the long term as you are in having a variety of sex partners. If you marry this man, the vows you take presume you will be tempted by members of the opposite sex and will forego that temptation for the sake of the commitment. If you tell him it is because of the distance and your sex drive I doubt he will understand - I wouldn't. Simply tell him that until you can spend consistent in person time together you would prefer to date other people (since I am sure he won't go for dating other people and him if you are going to have sex with others).

 

My parents were separated for 4 years ages 17 to 21 and saw each other once a month while they were engaged. They've been faithful to each other for over 50 years.

[Rabican]

Either move to be closer to him

 

Tell him you need to see other people (if you cant handle the distance anymore)

 

Or buy the occasional $59 plane ticket and go and see him for a night or two at a time. Can you squeeze in a friday night- sunday afternoon flight once or twice in a month or two?