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Untrusted...and needing help...


Nudak
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The Backstory:

I've been with my girl, Jenn, for a year now. And before we officially became a couple, we were "seeing" each other for almost 8 months. When we met, Jenn was with her boyfriend of 5 years, and I had a girlfirend of 14 months. 5 months after our first meeting, we started seeing each other. In the interim, I broke up with my girlfriend, and a good friend of mine was killed. I took this very hard. By the time we started seeing each other I had become a drug addict, a borderline alcoholic, and depressed. I hid this from everyone, especially her (and to be honest, she still doesn't know). The only person that knew was my roommate, because she saw how many days that I could get out of bed without a joint and a couple of drinks. The only thing that kept me the least little bit together was the thought of seeing her at the end of the day. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to be with this girl I was going to need to change my life. So I did. I quit the drugs, and got the drinking under control. A few months later she moved from Guelph (where we both lived for those of you who know Southern Ontario) to Brampton, or about 50 minutes away. We kept seeing each other. Eventually we officially became a couple. And for the most part things have been a fairytale. I have fallen for this girl like I never have before. She is the love of my life. She has some trust issues dating back to when her best friends sold her out 4 years ago, so needless to say she has had problems trusting me fully. The only really rough patch we hit regarded smoking. When we met, I was a smoker, but I NEVER smoked in her presense. One night after we had been together for 8 months, I was really drunk, and I stepped outside with her friends and had a smoke. When we got home, she told me that it was really hard for her to be around a smoker since she had quit only 2 years previous. So I quit. I haven't smoked since. And things have been better than I could have ever imagined.

 

and now the Problem:

Jenn is a teacher, and school is very, VERY important to her. I've been suspended from my University for exceptionally poor academic performance before I met her. But since I met her, I've gone back, and am doing much better. This summer I was taking a course, and through a clerical error, I was deregistered from the course. I couldn't bear to tell her. My Dad didn't talk to me for a year after I was suspended from school. I thought that she was going to be disappointed in me, and I couldn't handle seeing that in her eyes. We went away to Cuba just before my final exam. The week before we left, I found out that there was nothing that anyone could do, and that I was out of the course. So when she asked me if I was going to take my books away with us, rather than coming clean, I didn't tell her what had happened and just said no. Then the week of the exam, I lied a couple of more times when I said that I was studying and about the time of the exam. Eventually the day before the exam I told her that I had just found out that day that I was out of the course. She called me on the fact that I lied about the exam time, and eventually it all came out. I told her the truth. That was a couple of weeks ago

 

Now she says that she can't trust me, and she questioning things I've told her.

 

and now the Even BIGGER Problem:

I had a cell phone when I was seeing her, but I disconnected it before we officially became a couple. Just a few weeks ago I got it connected again. I was with her last night, and we were going through the pictures on my phone, and I had forgotten to delete a picture I had of my ex-girlfriend naked. The picture was from when I was still with the ex. She saw it an freaked (which is understandable). I told her the truth. That I had forgotten it was there and that it was from a long time ago, when I was still with her. And that if I had known it was there, I would have deleted it.

 

Now she says that she doesn't think she can get past this. She doesn't believe what I'm saying. She thinks its more recent than I'm saying.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought that I've hurt her. That I might lose her. For the last year, she has been the best thing in my life. I'll do anything not to lose her.

 

HELP!

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Welcome to ENA Nudak! Great to have you around here bro...

 

Wow, man, I've got a lot to say but you won't like what I have to say I suspect. Here goes...

 

1)

The only thing that kept me the least little bit together was the thought of seeing her at the end of the day.

 

I'll do anything not to lose her/

 

My friend, need is not a sound basis for a relationship. This woman is holding you together. That is very unhealthy. I think you want to share your happiness vs. making her the source or controller of it.

 

2) There sounds to be a lot of dishonesty going on here. I actually think it might be becoming habitual for you. Not good...

 

3) You've got to get yourself together before you share yourself with someone else. You've got school and some bad habits to situate here...

 

OK, so what can you do, what can you do to move forward. One step at a time man. Pick one thing and get it in order.

 

I'd start with the honesty issue. No more lies! No more deceit! What happened in the past is done, bury it. From this point on no more lies and no more deceit! Even little things that seem irrelevant in your life, nothing. Tell her why you lied and that you want to get better at this. Then show her this is the case. Starting tomorrow, you are a new person based on honesty...

 

While you're doing this, focus on getting your school back on track. Take some "easy" courses, don't overload your schedule, get your GPA up, get your bearings, start getting some academic confidence.

 

And also start focusing on yourself here. She's going to have a hard time trusting you again. Tell her what's going on, your plan here. Start detaching from this relationship as she very well might bail on you. Be prepared for that...start doing so now... If it happens, you'll have a head start on the grief, if it doesn't, you'll be a stronger and more independent person...a win-win situation...

 

So roll with those ideas and let the chips fall where they may...

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