In need of advice on getting past insecurities...

[Moving Forward]

I'm new to this site, so here it goes....

I'm engaged to the love of my life, he's always treated as the #1 priority in his life...We've only ever fought about 1 topic...Porn. I know it's a common one in relationships. I always would get angry and yell and cry and never really stopped to think about where all the anger and sadness was coming from. We have a great sex life, he can never keep his hands off me so I know I'm attractive enough for him...And then I realized why it bothers me so much. The relationship I had before him was horrible I was with him for 3 years and always treated like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough...Now I'm so insecure about myself I automatically beat up myself thinking if my fiance is looking at porn something is wrong with me or he's not happy with me, when I know that's not the case at all. We're planning our wedding, and I want to be the confident person I used to be and not let the porn bother me, it's not like he uses it frequently.

 

Has anyone overcome those feelings about themselves? I really want to change the light I look at myself in to better myself and our relationship. He's forgiven me for all the arguments I've caused, but I feel horrible. I need words of wisdom

[Scout]

Actually, while the subject of porn as a source of relationship conflict is commonly raised on eNotalone...but I'm not so sure it's a common issue for relationships in general.

 

To be honest, I've never had a boyfriend that was really into porn. And I would have a real problem with one who is.

 

I just don't get the need to use it on a fairly frequent basis, actually at all, if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone you are attracted to, love, and have a happy sex life with.

 

Why wouldn't you feel insecure that your boyfriend is getting off to strange women? I know I'd wonder if my boyfriend felt there was something "lackiing" in me, and I consider myself a fairly secure person.

 

Finally, I have problems with the porn industry in general. I've read statistics that say the majority of women who end up in porn were sexually abused as children. I think there's something very sad about someone whose earliest memories include being exploited, and then growing up to exploit her body for money. It's a tragic circle.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone!

 

let me ask you some questions... does he include you when he is viewing porn? do you watch it together?

 

does he pay enough attention to you? would he rather watch porn or be with you? is he losing time/money/sleep over all the time he spends on porn sites?

 

my instinct is that if it's a once in a while thing, and you have a good intimate life with him, and he includes you, then it doesn't sound serious. it sounds like he loves you, but many men like a bit of variety, and porn is one way to get it. and if you say it is infrequent, then it's probably not much to be concerned about.

 

i would be concerned if he'd rather watch porn than be with you.

 

you are beautiful. don't let your past messed up relationship get between you and your fiancee.

 

good luck

[Moving Forward]

Well my reason for putting the post in here is I feel like it's more of an internal conflict I'm having with the way I view myself. It doesn't bother me because he doesn't use it frequently. If he did it would bother me a lot more. But I feel like it's the way I view myself from my previous relationship that is making me so self conscious about it all.

[Moving Forward]

No he doesn't include me, I don't really have a desire to be included in it though because I've always made it to be negative. And I would probably be comparing myself to them more than anything. He doesn't isn't constantly on there. We still are intimate on a daily basis.

[Scout]

How often does he use porn? What form...Internet porn? Videos? Magazines?

[Moving Forward]

Internet porn, maybe 3 or 4 times a month.....

[annie24]

the guy from the previous relationship was probably just a jerk. why would he stay with you for 3 years if he really felt you weren't good enough? some people just get a kick out of making others feel bad. don't let that previous bad relationship define you. you obviously have a man who is crazy about you, so that should say something. the guy before wasn't the one for you. but don't let that make you feel bad about yourself.

[Scout]

Internet porn, maybe 3 or 4 times a month.....

 

Ok, I don't want my opinion on your boyfriend's porn viewing to be construed as an overall opinion of him...but frankly, I think that's pretty regular viewing of porn for someone who is in a committed relationship. I would not consider this infrequent viewing, at all.

 

And it obviously really bothers you. Take away, for a moment, that we're talking about porn. Instead, consider that once a week, your boyfriend is engaging in an activity that particularly hurts you, makes you feel insecure, and often ends up sparking a heated argument between you two.

 

About once a week this is occurring.

 

That can't be good for your relationship.

 

What steps have you two tried to work on this issue together?

[NJRon]

Separate yourself from the porn.. you are totally tied into it.

 

porn is porn... bicycle tires are bicycle tires.

 

 

Is he spendig more of his time focussing on other things?

 

That seems to be the real issue. I am sorry that you feel compelled to compare yourself to these wacko nymphos that appear on the "boob" tube. It's the way it is. I treally doesn't matter what your BF is focusing on... if it isn't you.. then move on.

 

Porn is an excuse.,.. it isn't an obsession... [ in ordinary cases... if it is.. move on... quickly ! ]

[annie24]

ok, so I am of an opposite view... I think that once a week is pretty typical for men in their 20s/30s. As long as it's not all day.

 

are these nights when you are unavaliable and he is bored?

[Moving Forward]

We've talked about it but that's about it, and he'll go 2 or 3 months without looking at it and then he'll have a month where he looks at it 3 or 4 times in a month.

[Moving Forward]

More so when I'm not available or when he's bored. We also have opposite schedules right now for the next 6 months. Which makes it hard I would 8-5 and he works 3-10 so we only have a little time before bed to connect either talking and spending time together or sexually. We only have all day together on Saturdays

[annie24]

ok... but you said that this isn't even really about the porn... you said that you feel insecure about yourself. what is it your ex did that made you feel this way?

[Moving Forward]

Right, considering how opposite our schedules are I don't look at it as frequent. My ex was a cheater, and not always honest about where he was, he talked down to me a lot...He always compared me to other girls.

[annie24]

does your fiance do these things?

[NJRon]

3 to 4 nights a month.. you make it sound so much mor perverted than once a week.

 

Truly.. if it is once a week... then.. geez.. lock me up.

 

This is not about porn.. this is about sexual fulfillment... seek to satisy that first! Go for it...

[Moving Forward]

No not at all!! That's why I know it's completely me. He's done nothing but compliment me and constantly show love and affection, I don't want to make it seem like he's the bad guy. I know it's the way I look at myself that is making me upset. And I'm blaming him occasionally looking at porn for my self esteem issues...

[Moving Forward]

Right I know I'm displacing my bad feelings on him about porn even though that isn't the whole reason...It's just comes out that way.

[annie24]

so the root of it is essentially self-esteem issues. I guess that is where you need to focus - build yourself up again. remember all those great things that your fiance says to you and does for you. after all, he is marrying you! he wouldn't be marrying you if he didn't think you were a spectacular woman.

[Scout]

Right I know I'm displacing my bad feelings on him about porn even though that isn't the whole reason...It's just comes out that way.

 

Well...that's what this forum is for. To sort our feelings out! And most relationships hit some rough patches. What else is going on with you and your boyfriend that could be constributing to a more accute sense of insecurity than usual?

[Moving Forward]

Thank you Annie24! See when I try to explain why i'm upset he doesn't seem to understand that it's all me. He doesn't understand it's something I need to work on with in myself. He looks at me and doesn't see why I feel that way about myself.

[Moving Forward]

I think it's also the lack of time we have for ourselves. As I explained we don't get much alone time. We both still live with our parents right now until we find a house. So since I work early I go home to go to bed early. It's like we have 2 hours a day to cram everything into. I think I'm more insecure because we don't have much time to connect like we did when we had the same time schedules.

[NJRon]

Moving Forward - I can take stabs and jabs. Without knowing the root of the cause none of us can help.

 

You can vent.. and well you should. But, beyond that, unless you spill the *whole* story... and not just the bits and pieces you want to share.. no one can help.

 

If you need to get stuff out there that you don't want to share... hide your face and SHARE... this is an Anonymous BBS... don't feel like you have to post a personal ad...

[Moving Forward]

forget it.