There's no sparkor passion

[kellbell]

Jenn,

 

If you NEVER had those feelings of passion and spark for your boyfriend, then there is a very slim chance you ever will. My word, I was in the EXACT situation as you last year, to the tee. I never felt a spark for my ex, I would have to get a buzz to get in the mood. It was awlful, it just felt wrong.

 

If you stay, it will only get worse, at least in my experience. Of course, it is up to you but I because your situation is virtually identical mine, I have to express caution.

 

I truly hope for the best and let us know how you are doing.

[friscodj]

It was awlful, it just felt wrong.

 

Ask yourself, Jenn, and be honest with yourself and put aside all your extraneous feelings of pending lonliness, detachment, grief, heartbreak, etc....do you feel this situation with your b/f is just "wrong"?

 

There's your answer right there...it will come from you...not a bunch of Internet strangers...

 

I bet you already know the answer but are just afraid to face it or deal with it...

[psu11]

Jennster,

 

i think you should talk to him immediately, whos to say hes not feeling the same way you? maybe he is internally contemplating the same things you are.

 

my ex and i broke up a few months ago because he to was confused and wasnt sure if he was in love with me. although im still in the process of healing, i think him breaking up with me was the best thing he could of done for the both of us. if your "in love" with someone, its not something you contemplate. i have no doubt that i was in love with him, but if he isnt reciporicating the same feelings toward me, than he doesnt deserve my full heart in the first place.

 

last i spoke to him, he was still confused...on various levels of his life, and this is something he needs to figure out on his own time. i believe your best bet is to talk to your bf about how your feeling. and if you really dont think your in love with him, move on. if you still have caring feelings for him, dont waste time in this relationship any longer. for his sake and yours.

[renaissancewoman101]

If I still cared for the guy and like the guy, although the "in love" feelings were gone, I would still stay in the relationship. Give it some time and a little effort. Who knows, the "in love" feelings can come back.

 

You are taking the cowards way out by saying you lost the "in love" feelings and not working at the root cause of this loss. If this relationship means anything to you, you would work at it, not just write it off.

 

I have been in the shoes of your bf and it aint fun. I dont ever want to be in those shoes, or put anybody in those shoes again.

[kellbell]

RW,

 

"You are taking the cowards way out by saying you lost the "in love" feelings and not working at the root cause of this loss. If this relationship means anything to you, you would work at it, not just write it off."

 

Earlier she mentioned she NEVER felt those in love feelings while being with him, she never felt the passion. It is scarey because everything Jenn described in her post was me last year. It gave me the creeps. I did try everything. I tried reading books, talking, going on small vacations, spicing things up, everything. I was not a coward by leaving him. Actually, it was the other way around, I was a coward for carrying on in the relationship far too long and not ending it sooner. I was not in love with him and I knew it for a very long time. I was wasting his time and mine.

 

It was NOT there nor was it ever. I was miserable, lonely and started thinking about others. I was terrified and felt trapped.

 

I do not want to highjack Jenn's thread. All I want to say is that if you never felt the spark, the attraction, the in love feelings, I am afraid you never will, no matter how hard you try. It was like jamming a square peg in a round hole. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and so does your boyfriend. I hope you feel better soon.

[Jennster]

I'm still so confused on how I should react to all of this. Last night I refused to kiss my BF when he tried and all I could say to him was "I just don't feel like it"...needless to say we went to bed on opposite sides of the bed and me feeling like a jerk not knowing what to say or how I felt...I've been thinking about it all day and I'm hoping to talk with him tonight.

[friscodj]

Talk tonight and share with him what you shared with us...not easy but necessary I think...

[kellbell]

""...needless to say we went to bed on opposite sides of the bed and me feeling like a jerk not knowing what to say or how I felt"

 

Yup, the same thing happened to me and it is only going to get worse. It got to the point where my ex would call me to let me know he is on his way home from work, I would want to smash my cell phone against the wall, I felt rage. Believe me, I know this is hard but you have to talk to him. Do not suffer in silence for a minute longer. We are here whenever you need us.

 

(((hugs)))

[Jennster]

Thanks guys I really apprecaite the support. I feel like the biggest jerk ever...I've never experience this sort of thing before and I was so hopeful we were going to be so happy...now I doubt if we'll even have a future anymore and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. What if what I have really IS great and the best that I'll ever have?

[friscodj]

What if what I have really IS great and the best that I'll ever have?

 

From what you've written here, it sounds like the lonliest and emptiest place on earth...

 

I guarantee you you will find much better...and you can hold me to that...

[kellbell]

I know exactly how you feel. I too, was afraid of hurting my ex, I felt like a monster, and second guessed my decision.

 

Believe me, there is something beautiful out there waiting for you. I felt I would never find anyone better but look in my profile, me and my honey. I have never been happier. In life, we have to close the door on parts of our life in order to open new doors.

 

I totally agree with Frisco, you sound like you are in the emptiest place right now and the longer you wait, it is going to hurt more.

 

You can do this. Like I wrote before, we are here whenever you need us and you are NOT alone.

[Jennster]

Well we talked and probably to the dismay of many people in this thread I didn't end things...I just don't feel like giving up on things. We are too good of a pair for me to just throw it away because I don't feel enough passion. I explained how I felt to him and he understood...he's always told me his way of thinking and it's completely different from mine. If he's told me once that I look great then he thinks that's all he has to say - he just assumes I know that from now on. Unless something changes he won't say anything...but obviously most people need constant reassurance and that's how I am.

 

We talked in depth again about all of my concerns and I explained to him how much effort I've put into pleasing him and I don't think he's done much for me. He was pretty shocked to hear me say that but he understood how it was affecting me. So I'm hoping he will take it to heart this time...Part of me knows my issue is that I have to understand how he operates as well.

 

I just cannot see myself giving up when I have a glimmer of hope still in my heart.

[annie24]

i understand. you just don't want to end things until you are 150% sure that things aren't going to work. kellbell, I bet you must have felt a similar way also? even when things weren't going well, you tried to hang on longer?

 

maybe you just have to let boredom sink in. maybe one day, you just won't be ok with settling anymore.

 

it's ok, no one is mad that you didn't break up today. LOL we just want you to have a happy relationship, if not with him, with someone else. like my old roommate used to say to me, "you know what you have to do." if you feel like you need to hold on longer and see where things go, that is totally acceptable and fine.

[Jennster]

Thanks for the reassurance. I know I'm not unhappy...but I also know I can improve the situation and make it better and that's what I'm trying to do. He tells me all the time how he's never been happier and because of my past it's hard for me to truly believe that...especially when I'm not feeling the love 100% of the time...I need to learn a little more give and taken

[annie24]

but don't give up what you really want in the process!

 

you are too young to settle for a semi-satisfying relationship. it would be a different story if you were 60 and divorced and just looking for companionship, but you are a hot young thing, no need to put up with a semi-satisfying relationship when there is so much better out there.

[kellbell]

I am not dismayed at all. You have to do what feels right. We will be here for you not matter what. Let us know how you are doing 'kay?

[Jennster]

Sure Thing

[doyathink]

OH girl, I've been where you are now. I know I'm late into this thread but I will tell you this. My ex and I had the most wonderful friendship one could have, we enjoyed the same hobbies, we had the same parental ideas..you name it...we seemed to be a perfect match. I never had the 'butterflies' either...ever! In the beginning there was a 'lust' I had for him but nothing more and it didn't last.

 

Seven years into our marriage, the boredom became over powering and I could not stand to have sex with him! I spent the next three years trying to just deal with the situation so as not to break up our 'happy' home. I never wanted to hurt him or the kids, I felt so much guilt the day I told him I was leaving and he was SHOCKED!

 

I have had butterflies and I have had BUTTERFLIES! I have felt the 'temporary' lust and I have also felt the ever lasting lust that never goes away!

 

After all that my husband now has put me through, and believe me, most of the time I feel like hanging him from a meat hook and bleeding him out like a side of beef, I still lust after him -and the butterflies, I still get them everyday ( even when he has pissed me off). I truly must love him, he has given me good...very good reason to leave him but he just turns me on!

 

If these feelings are gone or never were there, it won't get better! If it were possible then I would have 'bought' them for my first marriage. I too thought that since he was such a good man and we had so much in common that I would eventually get the butterflies and lust, but it never came around, we were friends, nothing more, nothing less! You can't make it more than it is, I was young and foolish but believed I could make things happen!

[renaissancewoman101]

Isn't "butterflies" really something that lasts?

 

I always associated "butterflies" with that feeling of lust that you have for a person. Sad thing is that I did have "butterflies" for my ex but that didnt last, although for my ex-best friend, I sometimes still have "butterflies" in my stomach when I see him dressed up well, being nice, etc., but he and I are NOT friends anymore.

[Jennster]

Doyathink - your story is definitely eye opening for me - as well as the other stories posted in this thread. While I do understand the relevance I don't think I'd have the heart to marry my boyfriend if he asked me and I still didn't feel it was right.

 

If it gets to that point I will deal with my feelings then and in the mean time I will work on the relationship up until I know there's nothing to question anymore - whether it be I KNOW I'm in love with him or whether I know I will never be.

 

Thanks again for all this great advice!

[friscodj]

I just cannot see myself giving up when I have a glimmer of hope still in my heart.

 

Oh believe me I understand. As easy and as sensible as it sounds, very rarely does it happen that a person up and decides to end a relationship and then just does it. It is a process that takes time and motivation to do so...

 

So I believe something will happen at one point, some event, some crossroads, some realization, that will snap the rubber band on this thing.

 

Just please, if/when you come to this crossroads, seriously consider the ramifications of bringing children into a situation like this. Get married, maybe get divorced, then hurt, heal and move on. But I have seen too many kids short-changed because of the results of their parents not loving each other the way they should...

[doyathink]

.

Just please, if/when you come to this crossroads, seriously consider the ramifications of bringing children into a situation like this. Get married, maybe get divorced, then hurt, heal and move on. But I have seen too many kids short-changed because of the results of their parents not loving each other the way they should...

 

ummm...yes! Oh God it's terrible pain! Have you ever witnessed the heart of a child broken in two?

[Daligal83]

perhaps I never had the initial butterflies with him because he was a friend for so long.

 

Hi, I know I'm really late in this thread but I had to comment on this point. I was friends with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years before we started dating. I had never really felt butterflies with a guy before, but I definitely do with him. We've only been together a month, but we haven't seen each other for a few weeks (LDR) and I still feel the butterflies. Don't let the friend factor convince you that it's OK not to have those feelings. That being said, I completely understand not being able to give up yet. You just have to be ready. You'll know when you've had enough and need to take action. Good luck!

[Jennster]

ummm...yes! Oh God it's terrible pain! Have you ever witnessed the heart of a child broken in two?

 

 

I've been that child who witnessed their parents not loving eachother the way they should...so I totally understand that extent. If and when the time comes for us to get married I will be right back at this place again questioning how I really feel because I will only marry once and I want to make sure it's the right thing for everyone involved - especially myself!

[Batya33]

I don't think there's a right answer here because I think the butterflies feeling is subjective in that some people believe "if it was never there it never will be" or that it is temporary, or that it just means lust not love, on and on and on. I know of couples where it was there, then wasn't and then was revived, couples where they were both perfectly content without that "feeling" and couples where the butterflies feeling was such a top priority that the minute it faded so did the relationship with no attempt to revive those feelings (I happen to believe they can be revived and that you can be just friends with someone for years when boom you have those feelings - I also believe basing a decision to marry on the extent of butterflies is not the best idea).