There's no sparkor passion

[Jennster]

So I don't want to get into a whole lot of details...but the past 2 weeks have been really busy for me with starting Fall semester and having big work committments - so I haven't had sex with my boyfriend at all...we used to do it once or twice a week at least. We also live together. My problem is...last night we *could* have had sex because I didn't have to wake up as early and my boyfriend did a tiny bit of caressing when we got into bed but I just DID NOT feel like doing anything with him so I pretended to be asleep and I eventually did just fall asleep.

 

I just don't feel any spark...I've brought up this issue many times before to my boyfriend about how I need him to show me his affection and he always says he'll do better...but nothing ever comes of it. The last time I brought this up he said some of his problem was my weight issue (I made a previous post about a month ago and got good advice) Since then I've been working out hard and been busy with committments and I'm being active to improve myself...problem is he doesn't do much for me.

 

I'm afraid to bring up this situation to him again in fear he's gonna hurt my self esteem again (albeit unintentionally). I sort of want to just let it go as far as it goes before he questions it. I'm sure he's already questioning why we haven't had sex for 2 weeks. I sort of want him to wake up and realize I'm not just gonna do it when he wants to - he needs to make me feel special and get me in the mood. All the previous times we've had sex I had to make myself get in the mood....I've told him how when he touches certain places it gets me aroused - like when he lightly touches my back...but he only brushes by it and hardly takes time focusing on my needs. I know I need to communicate this to him...it just seems like common sense when I spend all this time caressing him and pleasing him - I think he'd reciprocate...most people do to other people what they'd like. There was one night I gave him oral sex for about 20 minutes and he loved it but he didn't return the favor and we just had sex afterward...that was 2 weeks ago and the last time we had sex.

 

Anyway - I guess my point of writing this is just to vent about this. After discussing this over and over with him I don't feel like beating a dead horse - so I'm just not gonna give in anymore...I don't feel physically like having sex with him and I feel more like a roomate to him than his lover. I can go as long as I have to until he wakes up and realizes he needs to do something to show me he desires me. I know I'm going about it the wrong way - I know the best way is to talk to him...but talking doesn't seem to get through his head...my actions need to show I'm not happy...

[friscodj]

Three phrases really jumped out at me in your post:

 

1) "There's no spark or passion"

 

2) "I don't feel physically like having sex with him and I feel more like a roomate to him than his lover"

 

3) "I just don't feel any spark"

 

4) "After discussing this over and over with him I don't feel like beating a dead horse - so I'm just not gonna give in anymore"

 

I hate to say this but it sure sounds like you do have a roommate there and your relationship has run its course...

 

What else can you do? How much more effort are you going to put into this? It sounds like you guys just aren't a good fit for each other in terms of a serious relationship...

[Jennster]

That's actually something I've been debating internally with myself. We are great compatibility wise...we're great friends and get along great. But as far as feeling passionate...I've sort of had to pressure myself into feeling sexual for him. There was a time a few months ago when I was really into him...and in the beginning of our relationship he appeared really into me. But as time has gone on and especially since we've moved in together things have fizzled and I question whether I'm just settling for someone I get along with. I've never had butterflies with him - ever...and I really miss that feeling I'm kinda upset with myself for letting things go as far as they have.

[friscodj]

Hey Jenn-

 

Your second post sealed it for me, no question. This thing is done...that's what I think...

 

From everything you've written, you are calling a friend and roommate your boyfriend...

[NJRon]

I have to agree with frisco here.. though it pains me to agree with him in general

 

How long have you two been together. People speak to each other in different ways. Show affection in different ways. Perhaps, you should, instead of waiting for him to do all the work of "courting" you... you should show him the physical affection while still letting him know what *you* need.

 

While you are saying that you aren't getting what you need from him.. he isn't either from you. One of you has to budge here.

 

My advice.. since he seems a little hard-headed here (and sorry for any crassness in this post) is to put out when he doesn something that *does* please you. I mean.. mention it. If, say, you really wish he would just sit quietly and listen to you vent about stuff... if that's what you want (not saying it is.. just an example). Tell him.

 

Scene Indoors:

 

Jenn: I really need to vent and I would like it if you would just listen to me and be there for me... let me get it all out because it's really bothering me.

 

Jenn's Dude: Umm... ok... [probably staring at your breasts]

 

Jenn: Well.. you see... I have a lot of stress... blah blah blah... [let it out]

 

Jenn's dude: [smile and nod]

 

Jenn: Thanks for listening... I feel much better [Reaches for him and kisses him] I like the fact that you listened to me... that makes me feel safe [Kisses more]

 

[cut scene: Bedroom]

 

... let your fingers do the talking...

 

Give and take.

 

If he doesn't come around.. then you really need to find someone that will meet your needs. But, he seems like he may be trying.. he just doesn;t know *how* to try... positive reinforcement.

[kellbell]

"..I've sort of had to pressure myself into feeling sexual for him."

 

I speak from first hand experience on this one. Your relationship with your boyfriend is over I am afraid. That same thing happened to me with my ex, the exact words you wrote in your post, there were times where I had to comsume alcohol to get in the mood to be intimate with him.

 

I know exactly how you feel, you do not want to hurt him, you get along great, hardly any fighting, and so forth but without the passion or spark, your relationship has been put into the friendship zone. It is best for you both if you end it, sooner or later. By not doing so, you are depriving you and your BF the chance to be with a person you feel passion for and your BF too. You both deserve that.

[friscodj]

I have to agree with frisco here.. though it pains me to agree with him in general

 

Get used to that pain NJ, because I got a house of it right here...

 

Loved the story dude! Made me laugh...

 

Look, you can't paint the Mona Lisa without paint, canvas, or the desire to paint the Mona Lisa. I don't see any of those three elements here...

 

You can try to force this, make something out of nothing and find some semblance of satisfaction and fulfillment in in kidding yourself like this (which I have done before and had done to me)...

 

...or you can pull the ripcord and land with a parachute open now before waiting, and waiting, and waiting and slamming into the ground headfirst later on...

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with NJRon, give it a chance, talk to him. If he knows the relationship is on the line, he might work on it and put his heart into it. I really dont agree with people who say that the relationship is over with and that they both should move on. Relationships have their ups and downs, and if every time someone said that one should move on when the relationship is down, then people would be breaking up all the time.

 

I just have a hard time with people saying that breaking up is the best thing when feelings are gone. Feelings are feelings. They come and go and can be revived with a bit of work and dedication.

[friscodj]

If he knows the relationship is on the line, he might work on it and put his heart into it.

 

Yeah, for how long? Do you think he and the situation will do a 180 and stay that way until death do them part?

 

And what about her heart? She said she never felt the butterflies for him...never...

 

How would you then define a situation where a relationship should end? Because this is about it word-for-word in my mind...

[Jennster]

Wow I really appreciate all the advice in this thread. As a matter of fact I even thought about getting drunk one night to see if it'd get me in the mood for him...but I haven't drank for over a year and it's not appealing to me anymore.

 

Although I do fear that I'm kidding myself...I do feel it's worth a try to keep it going. I'm gonna have to suck it up and find a way to explain to him in a way he can seriously understand how this is affecting me. I can honestly see myself marrying him and having a family...but it's more on the front of security and I know we'd have a happy life...I just wouldn't have passion and intensity - which is something I apparently crave. I guess the lack of drama in our relationship is something I want.

 

I need to spend some time really thinking what I really want. Thanks guys for all the advice!

[renaissancewoman101]

Jennster, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping it going. You have a good thing there. He cares about you and isnt leaving you or mistreating you. Sometimes, the butterflies and the sparks of a relationship are only transitory and it is not the real "blood and guts" of the relationship. Sparks dont last forever. It is the endearing love, care, compassion, etc that one has for each other, and the desire to work things out, that make a relationship what it truly is.

 

I have been in the shoes of your bf before and have been dumped over the lack of feelings, so I understand how he feels.

[babypink61]

Hi Jenn,

 

Wow I'm on the same boat as you! Lately I haven't been feeling the need to have sex with my bf and we have gotten into an argument about this because he thought I was either not attracted to him anymore physically or cheating on him. Neither one of those is true but for some reason I just didn't really like having sex, couldn't explain it, I was just never in the mood! I think it's mainly because I'm bored with the same thing that we always do so we talked about being more *creative* to spice up our sex life. I don't think you should give up just yet. Like you said in your last thread, it seems like your relationship is worth a try to keep it going. Communicate with him and let him know what turns you on. Hope that helps! Good luck girl!

[NJRon]

Who said never? Did I miss something? I reread the post.. but I am a bit dense sometimes...

 

Jenn... you are doing the right thing by thinking here. But, don't let your thinking get in the way of doing. A lot of people make that mistake.

 

It sounds like you two are in a 'make or break' lull. He is not a bad critter. He may come around.. or he may not.

 

Your heart is in the right place. Don't fear for it. Don't force yoursel finto altered states of reality in order to submit yourself. There are much deeper issues here. Attack them head on.

 

While stability is nice, you need to drive your life through passion. All I am saying is help create that passion... build it. If you had it before, then there is a possibility you can get it back. If you never had it, then yeah... you really need to move on.. for both your sakes.

[NJRon]

I know we'd have a happy life...I just wouldn't have passion and intensity

 

By the way.. that's contradictory. A happy life REQUIRES passion and intensity. [me

 

Don't ever settle for less. In fact... I feel that most poeple find a mate that is so totally great.. so perfect... so everything in everyway... that they overlook those attributes... passion and intensity. Either they don't have it, or they don't allow you to have it through other means (e.g. activist groups, hobbies, children, etc.)

 

If someone compromises your *true* passions and doesn't support you (or at least accept it and show shining love in every other way) ... then begone with them. You deserve to live your life the way you need to live it...

[annie24]

part of me wonders if he won't finally wake up and start being affectionate right after you head out the door....

[NJRon]

Yeah... basically annie... there are ways to head that off...

[friscodj]

I've never had butterflies with him - ever...and I really miss that feeling I'm kinda upset with myself for letting things go as far as they have.

 

What more does one need to read?????? There is simply nothing here. Period.

 

And what solid grounds are there for thinking things will change besides a hopeful heart?

 

Look, I really want to say with all my heart that there's an appreciably probable chance that these two will live a happy, fulfilling, and complete life together...but for the love of god...look at the situation for what it is...and read this quote again!

[Jennster]

You're right - a happy life isn't one without passion. There needs to be passion for your partner. I did say there was a time I had it months ago...part of me wonders myself if I concocted it in my head. I debate with myself all of the time if I really am IN love with him or if I just love him - because I do love him...just not sure if I'm IN love with him. The reason it's so hard is because I want to be IN love with him and I want him to be IN love with me.

 

Perhaps I am just bored...our life is the same everyday for the most part...there's no excitement. I try to create activities to get excited with him about but he never gets excited. We went to a local amusement park that I LOVE...he didn't seem like he had much fun...it's like he never has much fun even while doing the things he LOVES to do. I think part of my issue is his lack of passion in his own life - or at least lack of expression of it. He is such a laid back person and I LOVE showing my emotions about things I'm passionate about - perhaps this is the ultimate root of my problem. Now I have to figure out a way to bring this all up to him without it being overwhelming.

[NJRon]

Yeah.. missed that. If you have NEVER felt butterflies... then you are never going to feel them... depending upon the length of this relationship... how long have you two been together?

 

I have been on both ends of the NO butterfllies thing.. as much as it sounds like happy faerie talk... it's true...

[Jennster]

We've been together just over a year - living together almost 6 months...we were friends for 4 years long distance before we got together.

 

During the relationships where I had butterflies I would wish them away cause I would phsyically get ill...but now that I haven't experienced them in such a long time I miss them - it's odd but true. Once you have them it's just that feeling in the depth of your body. I think at the beginning I tried convincing myself that real love isn't about butterflies..maybe I'm really wrong.

[renaissancewoman101]

If you once had the "butterflies" feeling before, you can get them back. Sometimes all it takes is reinventing the relationship. I would hate for you to write off a relationship all because the "butterflies" feeling is gone. A lot of times, the "butterflies" feeling comes from lust and lust is a feeling that doesnt last long in a relationship, that is why people get the heady, "lusty", butterfly feeling in the BEGINNING of the relationship. Once that wears off, is the blood and guts of the relationship where people have to compromise and work on it, each equally.

 

I have been on the receiving end of a breakup because of the loss of the "in love" "butterfly" feelings and it isnt a good place to be.

[Jennster]

You have a point as well...perhaps I never had the initial butterflies with him because he was a friend for so long. Like I said there was some passion months ago - but still no butterflies. Part of the reason I'm working on my own physical appearance is to hopefully increase his passion for me...but how do I explain I'm getting nothing from him? I just dread bringing this all up again after we went through it all before...I feel like ignoring him to the point where he just comes out and asks me. My way of dealing with my frustration is to not talk to the person or acknowledge their existence...it's not fair to him if I did that...ugh.

[NJRon]

I have been through a lot in my short life so far.

 

Butterflies are right. If you train yoruself to wish them away... you will succeed. That's not a happy place.

 

I can get physically ill when I feel unrequited love.. or, when someone I love is distant... yes.. it makes me sick sometimes...

 

Those are overactive butterflies... quell the bugs

[renaissancewoman101]

I can get physically ill when I feel unrequited love.. or, when someone I love is distant... yes.. it makes me sick

 

 

I found that interesting. How/why do you feel physically ill when you feel unrequited love? Do you mean when YOU have unrequited love for someone else, or someone else has unrequited love for YOU?

 

Unrequited love is painful, sometimes I wish the recipient of it would understand how we felt.

[NJRon]

It's when *I* have unrequited love for another. How can one feel ill from the feelings of another? You can never feel them as they do...

 

The recipient is the one who needs to adjust their feelings. You can only control yourself. unrequited love is a temporary thing... you just refocus yout love on those that return it.. like cats.. or daisies... or air.