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GALS: The right to be "self-concious" and even shy...


Baby Carrot
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I've seen -and been in that situation- where several males tend to strongly require/expect their partner to be really confident, wild and shameless in bed. Sometimes even like pornstar-shameless...

 

Things like...

 

 

  • I expect you to walk around naked infront of me
  • Take ur top off, NOW
  • Spread completely
  • Jerk off infront of me
  • Don't even think about doing it with the lights off, I NEED TO SEE YOU

  • Take explicit pictures for me

 

Sheesh! And if you just don't feel like doing it, they go like... "What's ur prob?", "Don't be ridiculous", "What are you so affraid or ashamed of?", "Seriously, you can't be THAT shy", "Gosh, they're just boobs, get over it", "What's with the lights off?!?!" And so on...

 

Have any of you been in that situation?

 

How did it end up? Who got mad first? Should that kind of guys be sent to hell immediately? LOL

 

Is it because they're so sexually open or they're just being plain bullies?

 

______________________________________________

*Boys: I'm aware not ALL of you do that... so please avoid posts like "Hey, I don't do that..."

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Ive been with someone who was like that to an extent but he couldnt understand how i wasnt comfortable.

 

to be fair..he wasnt abusive, he said things similar to that more tactfuly but i guess, meaning the same things. he got aggressive at times but it was understandable to a degree.

 

he wasnt sure why things werent happening, he took it personally, rejecting him so to speak.

 

which could be understoud due to the circumstances of the relationship.

 

anywho.. we worked through it (but like i said, it wasnt as blunt as what youve written.. he just wanted me to be confident. he couldnt understand, why if i felt so strongly i could still remain conscious).

 

dont get me wrong, i bite back if someone argues so.. i never felt cornered by anything. we had an amazing relationship, i guess thats why it became an issue (if that makes sense)

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id just like to clarify.. i was never forced into anything.

 

im just saying. ive been with someone who has wanted me to be more confident i guess. and it became an issue in the relationship. things were said in the heat of the moment or a debate but never just relationship day to day wise.

 

what i dont want to do.. i wont do

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Oops... maybe I made it sound like I was abused, but I wasn't.

 

There were just this obnoxious situations where you are a little pressed and asked to be more confident, because "you should" or "there's nothing really wrong with that"...

 

And is annoying also to be labeled like a pouting baby if you just state ur not gonna do it and period. Like you don't have that right or something. Hell, you have it. And you shouldn't be questioned about it, should you?

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I find anyone who pushes me after I say "no" to be going too far, but it's probably something to do with things that have happened in my childhood, really though you should sit down and talk with them and say "this is the way I am, if you don't like it, that's not my problem"

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"this is the way I am, if you don't like it, that's not my problem"

 

Isn't that a little bit too risky and extreme?

 

At what point ur supposed to give in and at what point you can just simply refuse? For example, I can't stand people wanting me to appear in pictures, but everybody finds it verrrrrry odd and pick on me, and question and tell me I'm a weirdo... Really annoying actually.

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Isn't that a little bit too risky and extreme?

 

At what point ur supposed to give in and at what point you can just simply refuse? For example, I can't stand people wanting me to appear in pictures, but everybody finds it verrrrrry odd and pick on me, and question and tell me I'm a weirdo... Really annoying actually.

if they can't accept you for who you are, then they want to change you, if you don't want to change then why be around them?

 

I refuse to do anything I am not comfortable with, I don't pose in pictures, I don't go into the aviary at the zoo (bird phobia) I don't go swimming.......

 

I don't do anything I don't want to, if someone around me can't understand when I say "no" then they don't deserve to be around me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How you manage not to do things that bug you without ending up looking like a feminazi?

 

maybe, I am not the best person to answer, but if you don't want to do something and you don't do it then you are doing good, if someone tries to make you feel bad about it, they have a problem, not you.

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My ex was a jerk like that.

He would constantly pester me for naked pics, and I'm just not into that.

He got nasty about it. Nastier than most I guess.

If he has a problem with you not being a 'wildcat', you're better off finding someone who actually makes you feel comfortable.

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All of those expectations sound reasonable enough and if the girl doesnt comply then she will only be around for so long. The street works both ways if she isnt willing to do those things then I will take note and act accordingly. I dont care to put up with the insecurities or the whole repressive sexuality act. Then again I dont know of many guys who are that bold.

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INFJ:

Thanks! I love ur answers. Is true... it really doesn't feel right to "make an effort for him not to keep seeing me as shy and uptight..."

 

HELPME2:

It is really easy just not to do whatever that bugs you. People around are the ones that get difficult and * * * * *y about it. Is bothersome to be dealing with interrogations and feel like u owe explanations because you don't happen to like something everybody else do.

 

DAYWALKER:

I didn't quite get that... Anyone did?

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I am saying that those expectations sound reasonable enough to me. If a girl didnt want to do them then fine but I dont do well with girls that have those type of insecurities. This doesnt mean that you have to mean about not liking her insecurities but I am sure it will cause problems since they tend to extend into other areas as well.

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TYLER:

 

What if "liking me for who I am" includes being OK with some insecurities? It would be really that hard?

 

 

Yes it is that hard when you have expectations of them. What your talking about here is reversing the expectations.

 

You are in effect saying "YOU cannot have expectations of ME, but it is ok for ME to have expectations of YOU."

 

No one is really totally secure but people have differing opinions or preferences of what insecurities are "acceptable."

 

Generally the less insecurities you have the more comfortable people will feel around you.

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Is it because they're so sexually open or they're just being plain abusive?

 

WHOA!!!!! Put the brakes down on your bandwagon! How is a guy (one you date and have consentual sex with) asking you to leave the lights on abusive??? Sexually open? Definitely! Not very tactful? Defintely. But abusive? Hell no. If he threatens you, exploits you, blackmails you, assaults you, or keeps bugging you about it, then THAT is abuse. But if a guy asks a girl to be a little more open with something, and she says no, THAT IS NOT ABUSE. If he persists, or does any of the things I mentioned, then yes that is some form of abuse.

 

Abuse is not a light word to throw around. If I was dating a sexually open girl, and she wanted me to do something I was uncomfortable with and she pressured me and I didn't do it, than that would make me "less of a man". But if it were reversed and I pressured a girl to do something, then I am "abusive". I hate this double standard society has.

 

The street works both ways if she isnt willing to do those things then I will take note and act accordingly.

 

No one has said it better!

 

In theory, abuse is a two way street. In societal practice, it is a 6 lane freeway on the women's side, and a one lane road with a toll booth every mile on the men's side.

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HELPME2:

It is really easy just not to do whatever that bugs you. People around are the ones that get difficult and * * * * *y about it. Is bothersome to be dealing with interrogations and feel like u owe explanations because you don't happen to like something everybody else do.

you just have to remember that you can only do what you can do. you have no control over how they feel and they shouldn't have control over your choices. If you don't like yourself you can change it, but if you don't feel the need to, then don't. don't ever try to change because someone else makes you feel bad, you can only truly change if you are ready to, otherwise you will just be miserable.

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DAYWALKER:

Thanks for explaining. But having certain sexual insecurities doesn't necesarily means ur as insecure in other areas IMO.

 

TYLER:

I never meant to imply the guy was not supposed to have expectations of me. Of course he can. Guess is just that I've never ever picked on any guy for him to do something he's not comfortable with, and I expected the same treatment (which I didn't get of course).

 

LUCK OF THE IRISH:

OK! OK! Wrong term! In my deffense I'm not a native english speaker, sometimes I tend to translate literally. I guess this word in english has a harsher meaning than in spanish. Anyhoo, I meant some guys kind of bully you into do things u don't feel like to, and then pick on you saying ur being a total nun and a prude and what's the big deal....

 

HELPME2:

Thanks! I really need to remember that! Seriously.

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While I disagree with pressuring anyone to do something they are uncomfortable with, I'd be pretty disheartened if the person I was seeing wasn't comfortable enough around me to walk around naked or do it with the lights on. Unless it's like a one-night stand or a brand new relationship. If you aren't comfortable enough to do those things, you probably shouldn't be having sex.

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I'm not saying that a woman should "want to walk around naked all the time", just that if you can't handle being naked in front of your lover while having sex, something must be wrong. I just don't see how you could be comfortable having sex if you can't be comfortable with the lights on. That's all.

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I think whoever wrote it has to do with sexual compatability was dead on.

 

I do not like having sex with someone who is self conscious. I think it completely ruins the mood.

 

If one of the people (man or woman) puts themselves out there and gets sexually aggressive, I don't think it should be counteracted with a sit down "listen, this is how I feel about this" conversation. It completely ruins the mood.

 

Some people are very sexually aggressive and like their partners to be the same way. They do not understand why someone would get offended by a request just because they are afraid of what their thighs might look like with the lights on.

 

If a guy suggested something to me that I wasn't completely okay with, I'd say maybe "slow down tiger" or something like that, or distract him by doing something else. I wouldn't take it as a personal attack, as it seems many on this post would.

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Yea, no problem. As far as your parent's, if they could have said what they were thinking, it prolly would have came out as "The only appropriate time to be naked is while bathing/changing, and having sex!" Prolly not the most appropriate thing to tell your kids though! =P

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I wouldn't take it as a personal attack, as it seems many on this post would.

 

 

I would take the insecurity as a sign that the relationship hasn't hit a point where we should be intimate together.

 

Let me point out however that I am not talking about things like taking nude pictures, being sexually "open", etc, but simple things like seeing each other naked and having the lights on.

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