Jump to content

Confused and hurt. Should i go on?


Recommended Posts

Hi all, this time i'm really desperate and i really need someone to tell me what to do. It's a really long story...so pls be patient.

 

My bf and i have been together for 7 years, since our sch days. I'm currently 24-yrs old and he's 26. Last year, we decided to start a company together. This company is registered under my name, but the capital came from us both.

 

Before this, he was working as an art teacher in a secondary school. 3 months before we opened the company, he cheated on me with one of his students! This girl is 17 years old!! They went out a couple of times, fetched her around in my car, held hands and kissed once. It was the girl who initiated everything. They never had sex, but i still think that as long as he has physical contact like holding hands and kissing, it's considered as cheating. He said after they kissed, he felt really guilty and ended everything with her.

 

I found out about it just before starting the company because one of his friends accidently mentioned about it. And i had to drill the rest of the information out from him. I was crying so hard and we had to sit there for at least 4-5 hours as he slowly, bit by bit, admitted to everything. Even after i found out, he couldn't come clean and tell me everything without me having to force it out from him.

 

We broke up for a week but then i finally decided to give it another shot because i really do love him and we've been together for so long!! I know that he loves me too and he never had any intention of leaving me for this girl...but he just wanted to have some fun.

 

So after that we started the company together and everything went ok. Of course, my trust in him was crushed and i was really paranoid...constantly checking his phone for suspicious calls/msgs. He knows i do this...but he also understands that he did give me a reason to be doubtful. But then knowing this..i think he purposely deletes certain msgs and received calls that he doesn't want me to know about.

 

So a few months down the road, i find out that he's been talking to this other girl on the phone and purposely hiding it from me. He claims it's totally innocent, but they only talk and msg in the middle of the night when i'm sleeping next to him!! Apparently, they did meet up before but with a group of other mutual friends. I believe that this was platonic, as they msgs were just simple "how are you" type. I believe it was the girl who keeps calling him and msging him...but he was the one who entertained her calls/msgs. Even in the middle of the night. He knows that i'm really paranoid from the previous experience, so he purposely hid this from me.

 

Eventually, i forgave him and got back together.

 

Then after that, one morning, i used his phone to msg one of our mutual friends. But in his composed msg box was this msg saying "ok dear i'm going to sleep now. love you". i confronted him about it and he admitted to typing it but said he never did send it out. It was apparently meant for his ex girlfriend (from 7 yrs ago!!) and it wasn't in his sent msgs folder. He did tell me before that his ex gf and him would once in a while msg each other just to say hi and how's it going. And i was fine with that.

 

For the sake of the company, we got back together.

 

Then a few days ago, someone msged him to call him back. Casually, i checked it and called back, making him pick up. It was the 17-yr old student from the first incident. My bf initially pretended to not know who she was. But i knew cause it;s not something i can ever forget. I spoke to the girl on the phone and told her that we were planning to get married and get a house etc (we did talk about it before, but no concrete plans) and asked her why she keeps butting into our lives. She told me that they've been together ever since the last incident and they've held hands and kissed and met up almost every week.

 

But the thing is...i'm with him pretty much every waking moment! He stays at my place, we go to work together and everything!! But i confronted him anyway, and he said she was lying. His story was that 2 months ago, she called him asking for help with her art exam piece. He had even asked his mother (who used to teach the same class and knew about the previous incident) and his mum said he should help because it's his responsibility as their teacher. I called his mum and she verified this. But she also warned him not to do anything. So they met up 3 times...each time they weren't alone and he helped her classmates with their art as well. But he admitted that there was one time where she put his hand on hers...that's it. But he didn't pull away. And they haven't met up since.

 

But i didn't believe him cause that's not what the other girl said. Then the 17yr old girl calls me again to say that she was sorry and admitted that wat she said previously was a lie. And that she just wanted to have him for himself. She said that she didn't expect me to pick up and she didn't know what to do so she lied. But after speaking to her friends, she decided to come clean and admit it. So i asked her what the real story was....and her story checked out with his story.

 

So now...althought he didn't really cheat..i think there's major trust issued here!! He didn't tell me about it cause he knew i'd be upset...but still that's not a good enough reason!! And the thing is that it's not the first time he's lied!

 

Other than the above incidents. Our relationship is a dream! He's the most loving and most caring guy i know and he really really takes care of me!He's my best friend and he's always there for me. It'll be the perfect relationship, if not for these few incidents.

 

So i just don't understand why he feels the need to lie. He says he just couldn't bear to risk losing me. but dishonesty is never an answer!! Especially if he's done it before and we've broken up so many times because of it before!!

 

I just need help. Again, he promises to change and that he'll never do me wrong again. He's been calling me and msging me every day! But i still see him once in awhile because of our company. But it just leads to me screaming at him and him apologizing again.

 

I'm just sooo sick and tired of this. How many times must we have the same argument about trust?

 

And now he says that he was planning to propose within the next year. And that he's even spoken to his parents about it. This is not an issue, as i'm not gonna let it pressure me in making my decision. But if he's really serious about us...why doesn't he just be honest with me?

 

And it very complicated now...because of this company we have together. I can't just kick hiim out cause then it won't be fair to him. I mean business is business. I'm not going to let our personal issues affect the company...and he has invested capital in this as well.

 

What do i do now? Do you think there's still hope for us? I still really really really love him and i believe he really really loves me too.

 

I just feel he doesn't realize how much he's hurting him, even though i've told him many many times before.

 

What if he still doesn't get it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It doesn't really add up. Women don't run after men if they are not getting clear signals that the man is receptive to the attention. Be very careful with him. He sounds a bit too slippery. Lots of men talk the talk about love and marriage but chase after other women. Trust your gut. Your gut is telling you this is not right. Believe in it. And please be careful about the business. Make sure you protect yourself so that he can't take the business out from under you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you jneed to sit him down, first and explain. Calmly, and let him know that you just cannot have a relationship with a man who you cannot trust, a man who does things like this, and you are running out of chances that you can allow him to have. Explain how it makes you feel, a little.

 

And let him know that you are going to make him responsible for making you feel secure. List the things that make you feel insecure, and ask him how these things should make you feel. And tell him that it is now his job to make sure you feel secure. Blow that job, and you're done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He *was* planning to propose... after 7 years... it's about freaking time. Saying that you *were planning* on proposing is about as useful as saying you *are planning* on retiring wealthy. Show me the money.

 

There is something really fishy going on here. I don't think I could trust him. Once the trust is damaged, no matter how much you care about someone, the relationship really starts deteriorating. He is also not doing anything to rebuild that trust, but is instead continuing to flirt with disaster.

 

The fact that you are afraid to shake the boat because of the business and that you are constantly checking up on him to see if he is telling you the truth come off as really insecure.

 

I assume that when you formed your company, you had an exit strategy in place. It sounds like you set up a sole-proprietorship in which he provided start-up capital. What were the stipulations? Business is business. treat it as such. Don't let it be a giant chain to your boyfriend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm with crazyaboutdogs... It's not really adding up. And if it wasn't for his friend you still wouldn't know about him cheating & if it wasn't for the textmsg you found you wouldn't know he's calling someone else "dear & saying I love you" to her. The lack of honesty is a serious issue, because you don't know what else he's not telling - because you haven't caught him yet.

Your gut is telling you it's not right. Believe in it. Cause you deserve more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks for the replies!

 

and seriously, if someone else put up a post like mine...i would be the first one to tell that girl to run far far away from this guy.

 

but i really just don't get it. if he's interested to be with other girls, why does he still show so much love to me? It'll be so much easier if he was showing all the classic signs of cheating like getting angry at the smallest things, or spending less time with me etc etc. But it's the exact opposite!

 

Yes i know he's fully capable of saying "i love you" to any girl. But it's different when (aside from these incidents), he puts in so much effort to show me that he loves me. And we've been best friends before we got together...and i know for a fact that he never treated his previous girlfriends like this.

 

And yes, the thing that is haunting me is if there are other things he's not telling me cause i just haven't found out yet.

 

I think he just doesn't realize what a big deal lying is to me. He thinks that as long as he doesn't do anything physically and if his intentions with the girls are purely platonic (regardless of what the other girls think)...that it's ok.

 

Am i being too petty about the whole thing? I mean, he promised after the first time that he wouldn't cheat again and technically he didn't.

 

His friends are msging me daily to tell me that he's taking it pretty bad. He's starting drinking (and he doesn't drink!) and he'll just wander the streets alone. And the other night, he drove and parked outside my house and slept in the car the whole night.

 

He's even said that he's willing to give up the company and all his capital to me, just as long as i take him back.

 

I really don't understanding. Would the guy try so hard to make me happy during our relationship and try to win me back now...if he didn't really love me or wasn't really sorry?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you dont trust him. he keeps giving you reasons not to trust him. then he hides stuff from you because he knows it will make you not trust him even more....

 

so either tell him hes got one last chance or its over...

 

or end it now.

 

or prepare to live a LONG LONG LONG life of being paranoid. Becuase it seems to me that thats just who he is, and he most likely wont change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow..... that is a hard one...2 options.

 

option 1. either tell him hes got one last chance or its over...( if so-Take the offer of giving up the company and all his capital to you...protect yourself & he can prove himself)

 

option 2. end it now.

 

What does your gut tell you to do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...