Its over for the very last time - need friends

[flooglebinder]

This is a mess. I've been seeing someone over the last 2.5yrs. I'm 37 shes 24. She still lives with her parents who are very controlling, I'm divorced with 2 kids. We are/were soulmates and best mates. We've broken up in the past, last time for 8 months but she still came back bcos she does love me, I love her with all my heart, she's in my mind 24/7. Reasons are always the same, We were seeing each other in secret cos her parents dont approve, so time was limited, she had to lie to get out. but when we were together it was heaven. But now she cant take it anymore, she sees no future in us and won't be strong enough for me to deal with her folks - she wants that perfect life. I'm gutted, I moved away for my family to be near her (and work) a year ago, I have no real friends where I am and no social circle. The most NC we have ever had was 3 weeks and usually we are in constant contact but this time I know she has to do it for her own sake. Its hard, its day one, I need friends, i need to know I'll be ok. Thank you all for listening.

[southerngirl]

You deserve more than a hidden relationship. You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you.

 

Breaking up is hard, good luck getting through this. I think that you should just let her go and try to heal yourself and move on with your life. Her parents shouldnt be controlling her at her age. She allows it. They can not do anything to her that she does not allow.

[flooglebinder]

Thank you and you are right. At the moment I cannot see a way forward, I hope I'll find one soon. She was so in love with me just 3 weeks ago and has suddenly changed. but sees like that. Yes I feel a fool, But somehow a little calmer today, I think I have to put her in a box and throw away the key. As far as her parents are concerned they want to pick her a husband, I was never allowed to show them who I really am, a very kind, loving, considerate person. Do all the nice people always get hurt?

[southerngirl]

No I think that nice people can be very happy. YOu just have to find the right one..

 

Wow so they want to pick her husband too? Just sounds so backwards to me. Think about all the negative things, theres got to be something about her that annoyed you.. Think about that... It may help you to move past it.

 

Its going to hurt. Let it hurt. But dont wallow in it, know the the faster you move through the stages to full acceptance that its over, the faster you can heal. The analogy that you said about putting her in a box is a good one.

 

At this point you should have no contact with her. It will only hurt you. Think of yourself for a while. There is someone out there for you that will love you, be proud of you, and be compatable to your path in life.

[flooglebinder]

The only thing that annoyed me about her was her parents and her lack of real commitment to me. They are helping her financially to buy a house and I think thats what has kicked it off. They drove her brother away 3yrs ago being similar with him, he stood up to them and its taken 3yrs to to get him back. How can these people do this? so she feels she has to be perfect for them. I know she will miss me soon as I know her better than anyone tho Im pretty convinced she wont call, but I cannot contact her for both our sakes otherwise it will happen all over again. I really appreciate your words - I think its all starting to come out now - I want the mists to clear and my path to become visible. I think its gonna get harder before it gets better.

[southerngirl]

it does sound like what she has grown up in is emotional abuse. Its all about power and control.. She would have to learn to stand up for herself to make it stop, even seek counseling with a psychologist to empower herself.

 

If you think shes never been able to stand up for herself till this point. If she lets it go on they will do this to her till they die. YOur right it may get harder before it gets better, welcome to enotalone. People here to talk to, and also posting to help others will help you in turn.

[flooglebinder]

I think because she gets treated like a kid she still is a kid. Everyone says I she was messing about with me but I wouldn't listen, you never do tho. Why am I trying to justify the way she is? will it help me get over this? I'm glad I found enotalone, you people are here to help and I aim to do the same. Reckon I'll be a regular at the moment.

 

the times when I'm alone will be the hardest, I must not be afraid to call my family. I'm the kind of person that doesnt like burdening other people with my problems.

[southerngirl]

You are right that she acts the way she does because of how she was treated.. Thing is none of that will change unless she wants it to. You can not help her, you have done all you can.

 

Your right this is probally counterproductive to justify her actions.. moving on is whats important now.

 

I guess stay busy, get involved in a new hobby or stay involved if you already have one... you said that you are there with no family where you live.

 

If your only reason to move was for her perhaps its time to move back 'home' ..... maybe ssee if you can find a job in that area and look into it. Sometimes moving will help you get over something, especially since you say you dont really know anyone but her where you live now.

[flooglebinder]

I cannot help her, I dont want to help her, yes I want her to realise I'm more important to her than anything else but the truth is I'm not. I accept that but it hurts. She is selfish but she has to be. I do love her and reckon I always will but I hope the love will change.

 

I have to try and keep busy, somehow I will. I cannot rush things but I am spending too much time on my own.

 

I work here and like my job, I cannot think about moving right now so I have to get out there and pull myself together. It is up to me. I moved down here for a fresh start with her after my divorce (which I have locked away in said box). so I cant keep running.

 

I deserve better than this, or do I? is it because of the person I am that I find myself in this situation? I don't know

[Shane13]

Sounds very similar 2 me mate!Split up with my ex gf who i had bin with 4 2years and her mum is trying to find her a new bf. i went out with my mates every sat,which is fair enough because i saw her every other day!,and her mum hated it.because when she rang i was drunk.im 18, surely i can do these things! its been a month since this started and i still feel awful.goin out 2mz nite tho with a very tasty girl!hopefully she can stop the pain i feel at the moment!

[flooglebinder]

What is it about controlling parents??

 

You are young enough Shane, make the most of your youth you only get it once! get out there be yourself the pain will go for us all eventually.

 

We all learn from experiences, but I stand here being 37, wasted 10 yrs in a marriage, and now nearly 3yrs with the one I truly love.

 

Keep all your mates and family around you and ul get there.

 

I will but it will take alot of doing at the mo.

 

Let me know how you get on with the tasty girl!!

[desertnomad]

I hear you floogle. I wasted 6.5 years in a marriage and 3.5 now with a relationship that ended this summer. I am 38. didnt expect to not have a family at this point in my life. Only people still around are family but far away from me. I truly loved my ex also much more than she loved me thats very obvious to me now. take care

[flooglebinder]

Thanks Desert.

 

Expect you'll know how I'm feeling, and I feel for you. Should I blame myself for wasting so much time to be in this situation? I have 2 lovely kids from my marriage who I need to be strong for. U coping ok? whats youre outlook on where you stand at the mo being in a very similar situation? I'm struggling to find a way forward, but it will take time I suppose.

 

respect.

[desertnomad]

No your not to blame. How could you know it was gonna end badly? No more than I could have or anyone. These were people we loved and cared about and just cause something isnt easy or perfect doesnt mean you shouldnt stay committed. But maybe there were warning signs early on and maybe now we will be more experienced so that we wont ignore those warning signs and get so deeply involved in the relationship in the first place. I know in my relationship early on there was a few signs that troubled me that maybe her and me for that matter werent healthy enough to be in a relationship. I guess thats ok if your young and want experience but not for me anymore. I want to get into something that at least appears from the start to be healthy and me and the person I am with are healthier also. I still miss her alot after two months and if she called and started to sound real and honest and more mature instead of blaming me for everything then maybe there would be a chance albeit a long distance chance right now. But thats a pipe dream. Some hours are better than others but the mornings are still hell and the days off are to. My ex was my world outside of work and we had so much fun. I just try to remember how she betrayed me or treated me like I was not worth having around after she left.

[flooglebinder]

There were warning signs, but I chose to ignore them thinking in the end she would realise I was the most important thing. Just three weeks ago she was so in love with me, but I know her better than anyone, and I think she doesnt know what she's really looking for, she wants this perfect life where everyone is happy. I know she will miss me, as I will miss her every minute of every day. She too was my life out of work and there is now one huge hole to fill. She is ruled by her head whereas I'm ruled by my heart, but I can't help the way I'm made up. If she finds someone better than me then she will have done very well for herself. Me, I want a normal life back and Whoever ends up sharing that with me will be very lucky, Tho I doubt they will ever get the whole of me - but thats just the way I'm thinking right now.

[desertnomad]

I hear you. I want something 'normal' again to. Never liked the single life and never expected to have to go through it again. It was so far from my mind. I was focused on paying bills and buying a house and taking trips. I knew we had issues but didnt think they were so bad that she was flirting with leaving for months. But then it wasnt all she was flirting with. I feel the same. I took my ex to places she never even heard of and she had alot of fun and good times. Along with all the other positive things I thought it was more than enough to make up for the shortcomings. But if there is a next person they will get even better if not like you say all of me.

[flooglebinder]

Single life is tough for me too, I'm just not that kind of person. Its lonely being single and if you're just not cut out that way then its a struggle to keep your head above water. I'm sure there are people out there in excactly the same position as us. Life doesnt seem fair right now, We have alot to give but its getting others to notice our qualities when we are so wrapped up in ourselves and our situation. I feel like standing on a rooftop and shouting my heart out at the moment to tell the whole world. I've come to the conclusion that single life and my age just dont go. every single one of my friends is either married, or has someone. its a very odd and uncomfortable place to be desert.

[flooglebinder]

Its only day 2 of NC. Had a bad night in bed last night. But got to work this morning and an email was waiting for me from her. It was only to ask to send some theatre tickets on that we had booked, was very matter of fact and just said 'sorry for contacting' at the end. I was going to send them on anyway. Stupidly enough I replied and said 'never be sorry for contacting' AAARRGGHH!! I am weak. Though I know I wont contact her I will always reply. Anyway hope thats the end of it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think anyone should beat themselves up about "warning signs". From what I have seen of other relationships around me and what I have read on this forum...most relationships are screwed up in one way or another because most people have hangups and issues which they take into relationships. There is no perfect relationship. Even the ones that look wonderful on the outside (you know, the people into public displays of affection), you have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. When you care about someone, you overlook certain things because you care about them. That is not wrong (as long as you are not getting abused). We all hope for the best. Face it, I am sure that every partner someone has, there is some character flaw which over time can cause problems in the relationship. If the relationship breaks up, then we call them "red flags". If the relationship works out, then we don't view them as "red flags". The important thing is being capable of love. If outside influences and control by outsiders dooms a relationship, that doesn't mean the person doesn't love you....it just means they are too weak to be their own person and make their own decisions. The issue is about them and their hangups and issues and not about their love for you. I am sure she loves you very much.....she is just not strong enough to stand up to her parents.

[flooglebinder]

somebody keep me going!! its only day 3, and I'm feeling worse. when does It get better?!

[melixah]

Let me tell you it gets so much better after a week! Hang in there! Aren't you proud that you've gotten through 3 days so far?! You should be, because I know how much it hurts. Invest in a good self help book like "Its called a breakup because its broken" by greg behrendt and amiira ruotola-behrendt. You're doing good!

[flooglebinder]

I really hope it does get better soon. This is so uncomfortable. day 3 is worse than day 1. Gonna get a book and write my feelings in it every day I think. That way I can look back to see my progress. good idea?

[kimmie11479]

flooglebinder day 3 we still have little to no contact???? I have not called and I'm proud of myself.

[flooglebinder]

Kimmie! Great News!! you will break the spell and so will I!!

 

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she will never contact me again. Its a scary thought but but once I'm comfortable knowing that, I know I will be fine. But I dont know how long i will take.

[melixah]

i doubt very much that she will never contact you again but take pride in being able to not contact her! The fact that you're not calling her shows you're strong and she'll notice it believe me.