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Long rant for anyone that has the time...


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whats going on guys:

 

i have so much on my mind, so i thought i come here and vent a little bit, im just gonna start typing whatever pops up in my mind, i apologize in advance if it gets a little incoherent...

 

i went through a breakup, it has been about 5 months now, and surprisingly, i can still feel it here and there.... we're back together now for about 3 months so far, and i have never went through the rollercoaster of emotion like this before.... i will throw it out there and say this summer has been amazing with her, we went everywhere, but at the same time, i believe this has been the hardest time i ever had to go through so far...

 

i felt betrayed, hurt, lied to and disappointed throughout this summer... from being lied to so many times, from being knocked down emotionally so many times, from being let down so many times.... at this very moment, i feel really tired, mentally and physically.

 

i believe it's both parties' duty in a relationship to at least try to protect each other...and to stand up for one another....i don't think i'm expecting too much by saying that. why do i feel like that i'm the one trying to protect "us"? maybe her definition of it is different from mine, but how different can "protect the person you love" be? she has talked behind my back to other people, to her weird 40 yrs old manager at work, to her friends...etc...this has happened a while ago, and it's not like i'm not letting go, but certain things come up that reminds me of them, and on certain occasions, worsen these memories (ie. finding out her lies)....

 

i have mentioned all these to her before, and honestly speaking, i STILL after all this time, feel that she just brushes it off thinking "not this again" like it never mattered to her.... for crying out loud, she told her unprofessional manager to look me up on this forum and read my posts, and then writes email to her making fun of my comments... since we're on the subject of this manager of hers...yes it bugs me, she still works with him....he is 40 some odd yrs old, divorced, screwed up family, 2 failure kids, and he is taking my gf out for drinks, pulled me aside on one occasion saying "i just see your gf as a really good person thats why i like to hang out with her....etc"....but remember guys, my gf is 21 yrs old.... see something fishy? im not discriminating against age, but im concerned on his motives and intentions....

 

yes, i can already hear it, that now it is my gf's duty to speak out, at least for me and for this relationship (since it bugs me).... but she thinks, at least this is what she tells me (god knows if its true), that her manager is just being nice, is really funny, easy to talk to...etc.... and that when he was emailing her poking fun at my painful moments (my posts), that it was "just in his character" to do so... she will agree with me that he isn't professional, these kind of things aren't acceptable...etc, but again, it always seems to me that after she feels that she has reassured me, she goes off and do the same thing again, with a difference, not tell me about it...

 

it isn't like i want her to tell me EVERY aspect of her life, i understand everyone needs their own space, heck, so do i.... but i feel like the things she tells me, is alot more insignificant than some of her real issues or surrounding people/events...etc.... i feel like although she tells me all the time that she loves me, she would act like a totally different person to her friends, to her (definitely pedaphile) manager...etc.... and we went rafting with her work a while back, and apparently her manager felt "awkward" sitting in the same raft as her (and I), why would he? that leaves alot of questions in mind (i had to find that out myself, but as you guys can see, i constantly am finding out something, its not suspision alone).... and she expects me not to suspect anything at all!

 

on another note, i feel like she's always so busy worrying about her friends and how they feel about her, that she completely forgets that i'm here...i mean yeah i understand feeling lonely and stuff when her and her friends falling out here and there, but its like, i strongly sense she just thinks its the end of the world, even though i tell her all the time "hey hun, im here, i love you"....i know i cannot replace people, but at the same time, shouldn't I as the significant other in this relationship, be able to at least COMFORT her?? i feel like now whatever i say to her is just not enough, that she just needs to hear it from other people, other than me. yes i understand it is extreme to say that, and i can already hear the questions "than why is she with you?" maybe she loves me for real, maybe im not just being blind to all these things, but than again, i might just be day dreaming...

 

sometimes i feel that she only sees faults in me...after we got back together, she would make comments to her friends like "oh i feel like im finally in an adult relationship".... what the heck does that supposed to mean???? i made a HUGE effort to improve upon my flaws, and no i am not perfect, but i have honestly tried to improve upon the stuff that i felt were more my fault than hers.....i dunno.....and another thing, before she broke up with me, i used to buy her things, at the time i thought it was a way of showing affection...i would be DEAD BROKE with almost no food left in my fridge, and i would go and buy her a new cell phone for valentines day....cuz all i wanted was to see that happy surprised face when she sees it.... but she basically already knew when i walked in her room with it (this was a long time ago)... and she just pretended to be surprised that i bought her some thing, but really she was just happy that she got a new cell phone.... and what happens? she told her manager about it and they go and start making fun of my inital good intentions like "oh what will he get you for your bday? another cell?" and she would say stuff like "hmmm i hope not, i actually want an ipod" and meant what she said....

 

i know i may be a little extreme, but this is the kind of stuff that has been bugging me, but i keep pushing them back, farther and farther, and who can i talk to about this kinda stuff???? i tried to talk to a relationship counceller, and all she told me was that i was too intense and too controlling, but let me ask EVERYONE out there, WHO THE HECK DOESN"T HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF CONTROL OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP???? if you have absolutly no control, how can a relationship work?? im not saying control by one party, both parties has to have some kind of grip on the relationship in order for it to work! at least thats what i think....

 

anyways....thats my ranting session, its just one of those nights when all the horrible memories just pours back in my head... and all the unanswered questions (probably will never get answered) starts popping up again...i hate these nights, it makes me feel like how i felt when i was younger, when i couldn't trust anyone, and that even the closest person i hold in my life at the moment, can and did backstab me.... its the worst feeling in the world....

 

but i guess im just in love...

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Wow, that's quite a love story. But in many screaming ways, not a healthy love story.

 

Yes, you are absolutely right: you're girlfriend shouldn't be someone who walks all over you and makes you feel small and irrelevant, shouldn't turn your acts of generosity into acts of shame, shouldn't talk about you behind your back and have questionable relationships with old men. One would assume these things are somewhat basic and fundamental to having an honest, real relationship.

 

I don't know you're story or the background to the breakup, but you seem so unhappy and insecure about your status with her, that I have to ask not why is she still in the relationship, but why you are! She makes you question yourself and make you feel bad about yourself and make you wonder about the relationship, whereas she seems to be freeloading and having a jolly old time ripping you off. You shouldn't feel "betrayed" and suffer the "worst feeling in the world" regularly at night!

 

A relationship is a two-way connection: if you're putting all the effort into establishing it and into nurturing it, while she is doing nothing and making legitimate concerns seem unimportant or reassuring you that she won't do something yet continues to do it behind your back, then it's not a healthy relationship at all.

 

I get the sense that you're in this mood and leaving out the positive side (hopefully there is a positive side), but I have to wonder what care are you getting? If this is the way things are now, how can you realistically expect them to get better if nothing changes? You have to exert yourself and stand up to her if you want her to take you seriously. She makes you happy in some ways, but in many flaring other ways she makes you upset: communication is key, and if this is an "adult relationship" to her then she'd be more than open to discussing these issues.

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ummm...so your girlfriend has made fun of you behind your back with another man?

 

i could never do that to someone i love or loved. to make someone your private joke is downright cruel...but someone who you are in a relationship with, who loves you? that's insane to me.

 

sorry you're going through this crap, i hope you find someone better.

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thank you guys for the response...i didn't think i was expecting too much and i agree totally that these concerns are supposed to be the fundamental and basic building blocks of a healthy relationship...

 

i did just throw out there the negatives, there are lots of positive sides to this relationship, but these are just some real bottled in stuff....

 

i am very happy to be with her, but at the same time, i look back at these incidences, and i look back at what has happened before, i question wether or not she is for real this time...do u guys catch my drift?

 

i understand i'm supposed to have "faith" and give her the "benefit of doubt" for us as a couple to move past these terrible memories, but how can i if i was lied to over and over agian? and at the same time, finding out things one after another?? i KNOW i shouldn't snoop, but why is it that EVERY time that i snoop, i find something?? and how can i feel good in this relationship if she tells her friends and her weird manager (by the way he reads my posts so lets say whatsup to him) that i'm a psycho??? i know im not, but i CANNOT HELP but TRY TO PROTECT MYSELF....yes it sounds wrong, i shouldn't have to protect myself in a relationship, at least this strongly, but why do i feel like i have to???

 

what is worse? everyone around her tells her i'm controlling, and i'm this and that, and she believes them, even though we have been going out for almost 3 yrs! she doesn't even take the liberty and at least the decency to protect me...to stand up for me, like i would for her! every time i bring up what i think is legitimate concerns and issues regarding this relationship, it always blows RIGHT BACK in my face as like im trying to control her actions!

 

let me ask you guys....is having a concern about her manager a controlling behavior?? is asking her pls have some decency and NOT tell her friends or whoever personal information of this relationship controlling???? I HONESTLY DON"T THINK SO...

 

i understand i am an intense person, and she always say "nothing is ever good enough for you" (when we argue)...but when i have these kind of deep rootes questions....IS HEARING ANSWERS LIKE "I DUNNO" or a automatic "NO" a GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER?? its not even about these answers being good enough, its like she DOESN"T understand how hurtful these things are to me...even when i tell her "look i don't appreciate you talking to your manager about our problems", she will say "ok i wont, and i understand these things hurts u" but she would go and do it again!

 

just for the record guys, she is not a bad person, money is really not an issue and i know she isn't the kind of person to try to rip me off, she has been taking me out for dinner...etc and i appreciate it...

 

anyways at work, so lets hear ya'll feedbacks!! and thanks again!

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It seems like you've already got the answer to your own questions. You know well enough that you're not the controller but the victim of her lies and backstabbing. You know that what she's done is wrong.

 

These seem like WHOA issues to me, as in, "Why are you still with her?"

 

You shouldn't feel like you need to justify her behaviors and accept your flaws: you need to start justifying your OWN behaviors (why are you still with her if she takes advantage of you, doesn't take you seriously, doesn't make an effort to work through the holes in your relationship, backstabs you, lies to you, etc.?) and accepting HER flaws as legitimate.

 

Three years is a long time, and if things haven't changed thus far, what reason have you to believe that they will in the future?

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thats the thing....i do know the boundaries....but i keep asking myself is it because of me?? that caused her to do these things? I guess i'm hoping things would change...

 

and since we're on the topic of 3 yrs being a long time...i guess i'll fill u in a little bit about our relationship...extra short version...

 

we went out for almost 2 yrs, many problems occurred near the end, me not paying her enough attention and not spending enough time with her, corrupted life style..etc... she fell out of love with me and did god knows what with another guy (who was her good friend) throughout march break...broke up with me 2 weeks after "clicking" with this other guy...ii had to find out by snooping around, found out she was gonna go 7 hours away to visit this guy at his university...etc...i asked her straight up "is another guy involved?" and she lied to my face...

 

either way, we were broken up for almost 2 months...in which time i wrote her a letter that was my only attempt...she found out about this forum, started reading my posts, had her fcked up manager read my posts...

 

she came back wanting to give this another shot at the end of april, i obviously wanted to give it a shot as well....i tried my best to change my flaws, but after her lying to me over and over again, and hving her friends butt in, and her manager...and everything...i just feel like she doesn't even want to protect me, and this relationship...even when im trying my best to protect her...

 

she lied to me about going to ottawa, she lied to me about her manager, she lied to be about "not lying to me", she lied to me about anything and everything up to a month ago....

 

alot of these things have happened long ago, and she always just ask me why i cannot let go of it? well....what do u guys think? why cant i just let go of it? i have tried to talk to her about it...many times....

 

although all these happened along time ago....its like the last time we had a serious conversation about this stuff was 2 months ago...and i thought everything was fine, but 3 days ago i did a lil bit of "protecting" myself...i saw the sentence "paul(manager) felt awkward sitting in the same raft as me (gf) and him (me)".... that was dated about a month ago....now...why would things be awkward????? isn't that kind of suspisious?

 

i dunno im rambling on again... thanks for all your replies tho!! makes me feel a lot better that finally someone doesn't think that its my problem...

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